Poll

What should be our next move!?

Abandon ship!!!: disconnect with my cousin and try to get over our feelings for each other.
0 (0%)
Confess to my mother that i am falling in love with my cousin and leave it like that.
1 (11.1%)
Hold off from telling my mother, and just secretly pursue a long distance relationship with my cousin.
7 (77.8%)
Pursue the relationship with Nicholas, and try to let go of my cousin.
1 (11.1%)

Total Members Voted: 7

Author Topic: me and my Cousin are falling in love  (Read 23812 times)

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purplexy54

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me and my Cousin are falling in love
« on: Jan 27, 2012, 10:06 PM »
I have gotten back in touch with my cousin last year after not having any contact at all for 13 years. i felt that i was falling for him, but i wasn't exactly sure if he was feeling the same way for me...so i tried to find someone else, to latch on to, hopefully fall for and let my cousin go. and i found Nicholas. he is EVERYTHING that i could want in a boyfriend, but there's only one problem...i can't seem to fall in love with him. because my heart belongs to my cousin. i told my cousin about Nicholas, he was very upset...but i didn't expect him to be so upset. me and Nicholas was about to go on our 3rd date, and i knew that this was going to be extremely important because i knew Nicholas was going to ask me to be his girlfriend, but i didn't know what to do! then the night before our date, my cousin says "can i tell you something? without you taking it too seriously?" and i said "okay?...I'll try" and he says "I'm falling for you."
      my cousin told me to get with Nicholas, because Nicholas was a nice guy, and overall he wanted me to be happy...so i accepted Nicholas' relationship proposal, and my cousin went crazy. he was very upset...my cousin has been hurt many times before, and he has a good sweet tender heart. (BTW, i live in Texas, and my cousin lives in NY...so it makes our predicament even more so difficult). that night, we stayed up all night talking on the phone, then texting each other poetry to help soothe the pain. my cousin has such a way with words, and i also like to write poetry for a hobby. my poem that i wrote to my cousin as a reasons to the poem he written me:
                                          "I loved the flower that did grow
                                           The beauty of it too complicated to show
                                           the ache we feel as we pluck the petals one by one
                                           Is all too great, but needs to be done
                                           His honest sweet eyes of the darkest brown
                                           Could never meet my own, instead look down
                                           His lips in which only my imagination would kiss
                                           Are of the softest pink, too tender to not miss
                                           Stand back and watch as our flower gives in
                                           To it's own creator's hands...such a sin 
                                           In this soil, in this spot, in this life it wasn't meant to be...
                                           No matter how beautiful you can be."
       but anyhow...with the guilt and confusion i felt afterwards, i came to a moment of realization: i can't handle a relationship right now. so the very next day i told Nicholas that i couldn't be with him...that i had to figure some stuff out. and that i couldn't tell him because it was a "private family matter" (i still think it's pretty funny, at least i didn't lie to the guy! lol)
      i finally came out to my sister (me and my sister are very close) and she believes that i should completely disconnect from my cousin and don't lose Nicholas since he's such a great guy. She has been praying for me to have the wisdom to make the right decision, and the willpower to go through with it...meaning, she is praying that i will abandon my feelings for my cousin.
      so my heart rests in the hands of my cousin, and although i may love Nicholas, i can never be IN-LOVE with him as long as that fact remains. what should i do? and it's not like it's easy to just pursue a relationship with my cousin since he lives all the way in New York and has no intentions of moving down here since he has so many obligations up north.

daughterofeve

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #1 on: Jan 28, 2012, 04:27 AM »
Hi Purplexy,
my answer to the poll there is just a suggestion, so don't take it too seriously :)
Anyways, I'm also pretty new at this, and when I told my best friend how I feel about my cousin she also said I should go out with someone else, get a distraction from him... I don't really have anyone else in sight, but you do and he seems like a nice guy but I think it would be unfair to Nicholas to give him hope like that when your heart belongs to someone else. If I were you I would try to have a relationship with my cousin, but I would try to take it slow, and I would not tell my mother until we both knew that we're strong enough for the family to know. I'm sure there are lots of people here that can give you better advice, but I hope this helps :) How old are you and your cousin, btw?

purplexy54

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #2 on: Jan 28, 2012, 09:24 PM »
hey there  Ms. Daughterofeve!
       the advice you gave me is great! and i have been debating that option very often, but i cringe at the thought of losing Nicholas if things dont work out between me and my cousin! and plus...Nicholas is in love with me...and i told Nicholas that i loved him back. i realize now that it was wrong, but it was true.
       the last person i wanna be is the cold stone bi-atch that breaks sweet guys' hearts. over all what i'm saying is, what should i say to Nicholas if my cousin says "yes"?
 oh! and btw, i am 20 years old and my beloved cousin is 28. i know we've got a bit of years between us, which was one of the reasons we didn't expect for us to bond so much! thanks again for reading and taking the time to reply, it means so much to me.

Offline 恋しいのうめ

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #3 on: Jan 29, 2012, 01:27 AM »
purpleplexy54,

Welcome to the forums, first of all!  :biggrin:

Before you decide to do anything, the first thing would be to sit down and do a bit of thinking/talking with your cousin about your current situation, starting with how you both feel about cousin relationships. Do either of you feel the your feelings for each other are wrong at all? If so, I would suggest stopping right now while you are ahead. Any bit of doubt between the two of you would only make your relationship that much more difficult to handle. Cousin relationships are definitely not for the weak, it usually comes with a lot of drama (depending on your family background and both you and your cousin's living situations). If you decide that the both of you don't want this, then I suggest cutting ties off with your cousin for a while so that the two of you could move on in peace.

If the two of you are indifferent, then the next thing would be to ask whether the two of you are able to handle a long distance relationship. As if being in a cousin relationship isn't already difficult enough, being in a long distance relationship makes things even more difficult. You are more prone to become lonely and yearn for the company of the other person a lot more, causing a lot of heartache and stress if you aren't emotionally strong enough to handle a relationship like this. If you both are willing and ready, then Skype (or other video chatting services) and your phones would be your best friends. Also, depending on your living situations, making efforts to see each other would also be a good idea. If the two of you are still living with family, it might also be a good idea to get your lives settled before pursuing the relationship seriously. Just take your relationship slowly and get to know each other, as daughterofeve said. Make sure the two of you are both emotionally mature enough to handle a steady relationship and be prepared for a long emotional battle with the family, if necessary (depending on your cultural background). Also, be sure you both are seriously committed to each other before telling the family anything.

As for your situation with Nicholas, it is up to you whether or not you would like to keep him around. It really depends on which option you pick. If you choose the first option, do you think you could learn to love Nicholas the way he loves you if you choose to pursue a relationship with him? I don't think it would be quite fair to him if you used him as a means to get over your cousin, even if your intentions in the end will grow to be good. If you would like to pursue a relationship with Nicholas in the event that your cousin rejects, I would suggest waiting until you are fully over your feelings for your cousin first. It wouldn't be fair to him if he was just the rebound. You could also choose to keep Nicholas around as a valuable friend in the event that you feel you are not ready for a relationship in general. Just don't instill any false hopes of a relationship within him or else things will get awkward.

In the event that you and your cousin decide to pursue  relationship with each other, I don't think it would be fair to Nicholas if you kept him as a "back up" in case things don't work out between you and your cousin. I would suggest either keeping him strictly as a friend (if he can handle seeing you happy with someone else) or cutting ties with him if you can. You can tell Nicholas as nicely as you can that you actually are in love with someone else and would like to be friends instead. Just do it quickly, smoothly, and without instilling any false hope of a relationship in the event that you and your cousin decide to break things off.

In conclusion, just tell Nicholas the truth. If he really loves you like he says he does, he would understand. I hope this long essay helps. Good luck and give us frequent updates!  :ok:
« Last Edit: Jan 29, 2012, 01:32 AM by 恋しいのうめ »
Call me Plum, makes your life a lot easier than copying and pasting my name.

purplexy54

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #4 on: Feb 01, 2012, 11:08 PM »
Well guys, this is my plan. Since i am 20 years old still attending college and still very dependent on my parents, i've decided to wait before pursuing a relationship. In the meantime of me trying to get my life together, i will date other ppl, and i've told my cousin to do the same...after i am able to take care of myself, and if me and my cousin still feel the way we do about eachother, then i will come out and tell my parents, bt if not, then the love spel has been broken and we'd move on with our lives.

i know full well what drama would lay ahead of me. my family is a very close onne, we are all so very close, and me having to be disowned by them will not be a difficult thing to undertake. so i want to be good and ready for that...
although right now, i'd love nothing more than to be with my cousin...i mean just to be around him just to know what it feels like to be with him...but first things first. if we were meant to be, it will happen, but i will not go to NY to be another urden for him to bear. he has so much on his plate already. my poor cuzito.

Offline Hawk

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #5 on: Feb 02, 2012, 12:37 AM »
purplexy54,
 I'm proud of you child. Had I thought things out like you have, I would have had a much different life. I don't regret it to where I would want to change it now, but I would have done as you are and take my time. The big difference is, back then there was no sort of resource like this to just google and find. Don't jump into anything until you are ready. If you really feel so strongly about your cousin, you must have this same conversation with him. He needs to know you are interested, but you are just not yet at the point you are willing to go further. I posted to another new member who is of Puerto Rican decent. She is somewhat unsure as to where it is heading as well. I'll link that thread for you, and see if anything sounds familiar.
 http://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php?topic=4832.0
 See if my advice to her might be what you are coming to on your own, and be of further help to you. I have a feeling there are issues I brought up for her to consider, that you may wish to modify to your particular situation. Age wise, you are right about at what I consider a "sweet spot" to start considering just where it is you want to go, and what you want to do with your life. You have been an adult for a couple years and are starting to see the world for what it is, but still young enough that it lays at your feet. I think for the moment, you have started to lay out a good plan.

purplexy54

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #6 on: Feb 02, 2012, 10:39 AM »
Dear Hawk,
      I very much appreciate your advice and support. This morning was a lil rough for me. I told my sister my plan...and she is upset with me for even considering putting my family through that. i've made a promise to my mother that i wouldnt move so far from her...and if i still feel for my cousin, i'd have to move to NY whereas we live in Texas.

Sometimes i wonder "why?"...you know? If i wasnt meant to be with my cousin, why did i fall for him? I know it's not right to question the Lord....but why? is it, that this will make me stronger? refusing my cousin will make me stronger? fighting to be with him against all odds will make me the person God wanted me to be? sometimes i feel like denying myself the pleasure of spending the rest of my life with someone. Sometimes i feel like disconnecting with my cousin AND Nicholas. and just be alone and cry. just be left alone wth my own pain and sorrow, never to marry, never to break anyone's heart ever again...

me and my family are very close. i am close with my mother, my father, and my sister. and for them and for the sake of keeping them happy, i have to give up what makes me happy. i would always look back to these moments and think "what if?" or "damn, i was crazy"

i'm a wreck right now...i wish i could just fly to ny with no one knowing, and turn off my fone, and just be with my cuzito. just to feel what it would be like...

i just feel like my life is not my own...this body, this life belongs to my family. and i have to make sacrifices, because if i dont, i'm the selfish one...i'm the inconsiderate one...i will burn in hell, because i am the worse daughter you could ever wish for.

Offline Hawk

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #7 on: Feb 02, 2012, 12:22 PM »
purplexy54,
 Calm down, you are not going to burn in hell for being the worst daughter ever. Stick with your plan of putting any relationship with either on the back burner for now. Get you in a better situation first, then start figuring out exactly who you really, truly want to spend the rest of your life with. If your family is willing to disown you over your cousin, they do not love you as much as you love them. That is the bottom line. They may think they are making you do what is right, but they get to make their choices, not yours. If they will not look at the facts and the religious aspect of it honestly, then it is all about manipulating you into what they want, regardless of your happiness. That is NOT loving you, as much as you love them. Ignore their drama for now, get you in position to ultimately make a decision. If you let them live your life for you, I will tell you now, you will at some point say "what if."
 Disconnect with both right now, and go be alone and cry if you feel like it. But when you are done crying, take a deep breath and realize you are ultimately going to have to live your life for you, then go live life your way.....

Offline 恋しいのうめ

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #8 on: Feb 02, 2012, 11:54 PM »
purplexy54,

Hawk has given you excellent advice, as always. You are not going to burn in hell because of your feelings for your cousin. God gave you these feelings for him for a reason, but he also gave you the free will to do as you want with those feelings. I don't think God will hate you if you decide to act upon them one day. I'm glad you have a good plan and you are sticking to it. You know you always have support here on those days where you feel like crying.  :hug:
Call me Plum, makes your life a lot easier than copying and pasting my name.

Offline oneofmany

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #9 on: Feb 03, 2012, 12:31 AM »
Life is messy - no sense in waiting for it to stop being messy. If you want something you should go and get it. Don't plan on losing - plan on winning.

purplexy54

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #10 on: Feb 03, 2012, 08:20 PM »
thanks guys...my mind wasnt in th right place when i wrote that...
i agree all with what hawk has said, excellent avice...but i will not go as drastic to say my family doesnt love me. i feel that this is what they was raised to believe, this was what i was raised to believe and they want me to do what's right in their eyes. they dont want me to get hurt. i understand that, and them getting over me being with my cousin would be very difficult for them to accept.

That same day, me and my cuzito tried to figure out what we should do...and all we could come up with was disconnecting...it was so painful to do. something so crucial having to be done over text messages? i couldnt do it...we even said "good bye" but we couldnt do it. so as of right now, me and my cousin are just trying to hold off on certain topics that we can not discuss...we cant say how much we want eachother, how much we wished the other was here, wishing that the family would just be okay with it.

also, i will pursue a relationship with nicholas, and i know that my feelings with him will grow, and i will no longer feel the guilt of my cousin on my back...although that is so difficult to accept...

i once did a tarot card reading on what life would be if me and my cousin were together, it said that i would look bback to the past, thhat me and hiim would begin to fight...i suppose we'd crush underneath pressure. we probably aren't as strong as we'd want to be...
the woman who get's my cousin, is the luckiest woman in tthe whole wide world...even luckier than me.

Offline starclimber

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #11 on: Feb 04, 2012, 05:32 AM »
I know you have responses to this but this is mine.

CHOICE TO THE POLL?  NONE OF THE ABOVE!

YOU should listen to YOUR HEART.  BUT STAY IN SCHOOL AND STOP THINKING ABOUT ROMANCE!!!

Put those tarot cards down, shut off all outside advice, and ask yourself what YOU WANT.

If you love your cousin, guess what?  YOU NEED MONEY!

From what you write, you should disconnect with Nicholas, put off all relationships (but follow your heart which belongs to your cousin) and HIT THOSE BOOKS!!!

SCHOOL >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ALL.  Above dating.  Above romance.  Above peer pressure.  Above what your friends and sisters say.

Because that is your single ticket to being with your cousin.

GRADUATE first!!!!  Stop thinknig about romance!  That's later on after you get a job, buy a house and have your cousin shack up with you from time to time.

If your family asks, say I want to study hard, get a job and become independent.  That's laudable and admirable.  and if they mention your cousin, say that you are not thinking about that now.

Remain unconvinced?

Want to let tarot cards and what family say dictate your life?

UUSE THIS SITE and REAAAAD what people say on here!   All the people who follow the same advice others gave to you marry someone "good enough" but then end up back on here REGRET that they listened to others and frankly miss their cousin who GUESS WHAT.  MOVED ON!  And imo that's their own fault.   PEOPLE SHOULD listen to their heart, and also *again* HIT THOSE BOOKS to make dreams happen when they can.

As a college student, do not ever put academia as #2.    This is an understatement because back in college all we did was slack off and you cannot afford that in today's economy.

If your dream is to be with your cousin, work for it.  Fight tooth and nail for it and don't back out from that dream.

As for what I want to say about family, it's unorthodox but if they're misguided and you're close to them this is how it is: you need to keep it a secret to protect them.

And if you have a large family it could be that even though your family accepts it, extended may not

My family would accept my loving my cousin.  Why?  Because they love me and they see how he loves me.  When I was close to emergency hospitalization when my kidneys almost failed, my cousin never left my side.  They can see how much he loves me.  And my mom realized it as well.  No other man will ever love me like he does.  However, my extended family would make my confession a LIVING hell.  We would hear no end of it and we've already been "caught" which we nonchalantly passed off as "us watching tv.  want to join?"  (thankfully we were fully clothed).  They are gossipy and overall very unpleasant. 

My family and my cousin does not deserve the backlash from that gossip.

So I love my family as well and while they would never disown me if I told them I loved my cousin, they would have so much flack from the other members if they heard about it that it would hurt ME.  It's not fair to my cousin and I but it's also not fair to my family.  Therefore it is a secret and when we are both older, we plan to live the rest of our lives together, without a care as to what others say.

While keeping it a secret is not an ideal answer, life is not an ideal situation to begin with.  But I can tell you this.

As hard as long distance relationships are, what is much much much worse is when the person you're madly in love with wants to be with someone else.

This is how your cousin feels. 

If you love your cousin, stop playing with these ideas of Nicholas.  Stop being cruel.

Do the right thing and get financially secure and settled first and follow your dreams.

When you are both financially well off, you can visit each other with relative ease and no longer need to depend on your family for finances. 

Life does not start and end at 20.  You are at the beginning and you won't depend on mom and your sisters' advice forever.

Remember that today isn't set in stone.  YOU carve it.  You shape it.
« Last Edit: Feb 04, 2012, 05:40 AM by starclimber »

Offline Romalee

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #12 on: Feb 04, 2012, 10:14 AM »
BRAVO,Starclimber!!!!!
purplexy this is some great advice, RUN with it and don't look back!
The thing I most agree with is that you should break away from Nicholas, you are being most unfair
to both him and your cousin. Let him find some one that can give their all to him, he deserves that.

Offline Hawk

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #13 on: Feb 05, 2012, 01:36 AM »
purplexy54,
 I didn't mean to imply they don't love you M'dear, only not as much as you love them. With love comes respect. You respect them MUCH more than they do you, if they are willing to disown you over this. You are concerned MUCH more about their happiness than they are about yours. You will eventually find yourself manipulated by them in other instances as well if you don't live your life for you at some point. Might as well start now. Please listen to me and starclimber. Let's get you educated first, then move forward. Let's look at an instance of why I want you to do so. Let's say you do decide, drama be damned, you love your cousin and want to spend your life with him. You are standing there with an advanced degree in hand. They start the wailing and gnashing of teeth. You look them in the eyes, and say "Look, I have this degree here. I've been to school. I'm not some uneducated child you are talking to. I did learn how to study a subject, and I have studied the subject of cousin couples. While I love you and respect you, you are wrong. If you are willing to learn the facts, I will show you. If you wish to be blissful in your ignorance, that is fine as too, but I know better and I will NOT listen to it." Can you see how, it may not keep them from going off on you, but it puts you in a much better position to make your case?
 I also agree with starclimber on the tarot cards. You may find yourself vulnerable to them if you are not careful. You might as well go ahead and toss them in the trash before you put any faith in them at all. Look to make decisions based on the knowledge you have gained, and not reading things into the random turning of cards, or rolling of dice. I personally think they are dangerous, but at the least they should not be trusted for life changing decisions. Please just go ahead and listen to us. We are not giving you random thoughts here, to be interpreted. We are telling you these things from real life experience, where we see you potentially making mistakes you can avoid.

purplexy54

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Re: me and my Cousin are falling in love
« Reply #14 on: Feb 05, 2012, 07:46 PM »
aw nelly. Ms. Star, you really are a piece of work, and i very much value your advice :) i guess what holds me back is the complications...one: my parents know that i'm seeing nicholas, and know how nice he is and that i do like him, so for me to disconnect with him, they'd wanna know why. second: it would break Nicholas' heart, and right before valentine's day that he claims is such a bad luck day for him. and i'd feel really guilty about that because he didn't do anything wrong. third: the future that me and my cousin would have (besides the family drama) would be so tough to deal with...

you see? my cousin is going to be taking care of his sick mother soon, and idk for how long...but with the condition she is in, she's not going to be getting any better. where would that leave for me? he wouldnt have any room to have a relationship!

Ms. Star, you are absolutely right, what i have been doing is wrong. And you are right, it is not fair to my beloved cuzito that he is broken up about this, although lately he has been pushing me to nicholas, and saying that he'll make me happy...

there's just so much to consider...including the fact that we'd have to marry in NY and we can't come back to texas because i'll get arrested for marry my cousin.
Hope to hear back from you Ms. Star, although your post seemed to show a certain annoyance towards my situation. but still, all the more, thank you very much for your advice.

 

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