Author Topic: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???  (Read 2080 times)

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MadlyinLove

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Hi everyone,

I need some advice on my issue...so I have really strong feelings for my cousin and last time he visited we went out, danced and ended up kissing. I felt a really strong connection with him, stronger than anything I had EVER felt in my entire life (Im 20 yrs old) and he's 21. We spoke on the phone about what happened and I found out he feels the same. Just this morning we spoke and my heart just started beating fast, it was like that for a while that even my chest started hurting....
I think I am really in love with him. He is all I think about!! but I am so confused because I was brought up by my culture that 1st cousins could never be together! But when we're together all of that goes away and all I care about is being with him!
...and he even told me "if we werent cousins, you would be the perfect wife for me!"
hearing this made me so happy but so sad at the same time because I know our family will NEVER accept us being togeteher!

What should I do? I am so lost!

Offline 恋しいのうめ

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #1 on: Aug 18, 2011, 10:20 PM »
MadlyinLove,

First of all, slow down there. I know when you first start to have feelings for your cousin it's all you think about. Before you make a real decision whether to act upon your feelings or not, you need to consider the consequences about taking each action. I know you're probably only thinking of the "now," but it would be good to think about the long run as well. Are you ready to face the family if you guys are willing to become a couple?
Also, it would be good to settle your feelings about whether you think your feelings for your cousin are "wrong" or not. Do some research, maybe it will help settle your inner conflict.
Most importantly talk to your cousin about this. Most likely in these types of situations, people don't tend to think on the same "level." Establish what "level" you and your cousin are at. One of you may be ready to throw caution to the wind and start a long term relationship while the other is still contemplating what he/she is feeling. If both of you are on the same page, decide from there what the two of you should do. Communication is important for any type of relationship.
It would also help to elaborate how your current situation is. Do you and/or you cousin still live with your parents? Are you two in school? How does your family feel about this?
Hope this helps!
Call me Plum, makes your life a lot easier than copying and pasting my name.

Offline MadlyInLove

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #2 on: Aug 19, 2011, 10:52 AM »
Thanks for the reply! and the truth is that we both have had these feelings for each other for a long time, since we were kids...only that each time we see each other it just gets stronger! Before this, we also kissed when he lived in another country when I was 15yrs. This time my feelings just felt stronger.
And you're right I am only thinking of the "now" and I know I would'nt be ready to tell my parents or family members any time soon....is just harder not being with him at all. I would prefer to keep seeing him secretly..and that's the other thing he lives in the U.S. now but it is still far away, a 7 hour car ride! :(
I will continue to talk to him to establish exactly how we are feeling...he says he's never felt this way with anyone else and that he loves me so much...BUT that it will be impossible because our family will never approve and we are both close to our family..
About cousins dating, I don't think there's anything wrong with it but yet again I do see it as a "forbidden love" at times, just because that is the taboo in my family. :(
We both do live with our parents. I'm in school and he works. I did speak with one of our aunts and all she said was that it could never happen because we're cousins and that the best thing was to stay far away from each other...:( I just don't know if I could do this...all I can think about is the next time we see each other and we both have been talking on the phone every day. Just by hearing his voice I get really happy....

Offline 恋しいのうめ

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #3 on: Aug 19, 2011, 01:49 PM »
MadlyinLove,

It seems that the "taboo" of the subject is holding you back from establishing anything with your cousin. If you're going to let that stop you, it would be best to let the feelings that you have for your cousin go. Trust me, if either one of you even had the slightest bit of doubt about this, the relationship will not work out.
On the other hand, if you let that go I'm sure you and your cousin could have a long distance relationship. It's extremely difficult to pull off, especially with a cousin, but it could be just as fulfilling as a regular relationship. Again, take every single detail and consequence into consideration before making a decision.
I also suggest getting both of your own lives settled before making a decision as well. It would be easier to establish your relationship without the fear of having your parents watching all the time. Finish school, get your own place, get a job, do whatever you need to do to get our life settled.
I know relationships are supposed to be about love and romance, but the decisions behind them require a calculating, logical mind to keep it afloat. This is probably weird taking advice from someone who is your own age (I'm 20 years old, still in school, and living with my parents as well) but I've been dating my cousin for 9 months and we've learned to keep a rational mind about our decisions the hard way.

Good luck!
Call me Plum, makes your life a lot easier than copying and pasting my name.

Offline kcuk

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #4 on: Aug 19, 2011, 02:24 PM »
Long distance relationships are hard, as I know but to me a 7 hour drive is nothing.
My cousin is a 23 hour flight away.
Being as young as you are also makes it harder as you are still influenced by your peers.
I am in my late forties and don't bother what anyone says about us.
I say follow your heart

Offline JBunny

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #5 on: Aug 20, 2011, 02:38 PM »
Hey MadlyinLove,

          I've been where you are, I just posted my story a little while ago.  It's wonderful, no doubt...but it only takes a short time for things to go south.  I don't regret a moment of my relationship with my cousin, but pain and heartbreak are also real....I know there are some happy stories out there, but not everything works out like in the movies.  Just keep that that in mind.  Best of luck!

Offline MadlyInLove

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #6 on: Aug 23, 2011, 01:45 PM »
Thanks everyone for the replies! It helps me a lot! Since I cannot talk about this with anyone else, or rather I don't feel comfortable doing so....
So right now I am just counting the days to see him! This feeling is soo amazing, I never want to lose it...sometimes I just think about how easier things would have been if he wasn't my cousin...but who knows, it's probably because he's my cousin that I have such string feelings. I just hate the taboo that exists between cousins dating! I wish it didnt exist since back then it was so accepted!!! I still feel lost....and hopeful that one day we both won't care what anyone thinks and just be together madly in love!

@ 恋しいのうめ, How is the relationship between you and your cousin? Did you tell your family and what did they say?
We both love each other, the only thing standing in our way is our family's opinions. We both think that what is best right now is to keep our relationship a secret from everyone....but I don't know what to do? Should we have a secret relationship until we're ready to tell our family??

@ kcuk, I want to follow my heart so bad!! I guess I'm just so afraid of what my family will think or do? And how long have you been with your cousin? what did you tell your family? and how did they react? Did they end up accepting your relationship?

@JBunny, you're right! I am also afraid of the pain and heartbreak! especially when I imagine my cousin with someone else! I know it's going to be the hardest thing ever....but for now I love what we have...we continue to talk on the phone everyday, we admit that we love each other and we talk about our lives. We also plan the next time to see each other so we could be together. What happened with you and your cousin??


Offline JBunny

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #7 on: Aug 23, 2011, 03:37 PM »
Hey Madlyilove,

It's 10 times harder than the hardest thing ever..!   

I've posted my story here http://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php?topic=4416.0

We were the same, talk everyday, video chats, and discuss what our life will be like together.  We were waiting until we finished school and were able to support ourselves, but with the economy the way it is, that just didn't happen. I say don't wait too long to tell your family...because sometimes the pressures can get to you.  My situation might be a bit different, since I'm indian, and we're quite....rigid.

Hope it works out for you!

Offline 恋しいのうめ

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #8 on: Aug 23, 2011, 06:23 PM »
MadlyinLove,

My cousin and I are still dating in secret, so I cannot answer your questions, unfortunately. Although if you two are just going to start dating, I would suggest dating in secret until you two have the means to sustain yourselves. In other words, if you two really can't wait to date each other after you get your lives settled, date in secret while finishing school, getting a job, etc. Then when you two have stable lives, drop the cousin relationship bomb on your parents. Having a secret relationship gives you the benefits of dating each other without the pressure of pleasing your parents. Of course the only cost is keeping it all a secret, but it really depends on you about how much secrecy you can take.
In general, my relationship with my cousin is ok.  Sometimes we worry about the future (mostly him) but it's good because we take every consequence into account and talk it out with each other. We do not plan on telling our family anytime soon, mostly because my parents are already against me associating with him in the first place. It's tough having a secret relationship sometimes but developing a small circle of friends that know about and accept your relationship makes the situation a lot more bearable.
« Last Edit: Aug 25, 2011, 12:12 AM by 恋しいのうめ »
Call me Plum, makes your life a lot easier than copying and pasting my name.

Offline MadlyInLove

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #9 on: Aug 24, 2011, 11:30 AM »
恋しいのうめ,

Hearing your story has helped me a lot!!! Thank you!!! I now have the courage to tell my cousin I want to try and have a relationship with him, but in secret, of course! lol And as you said, we can keep it a secret until we are both stable! I am going to wait until we are in person to tell him and I will let you know how it goes! (Ill cross my fingers that it works out!:) ) Wish me luck! and I am soo happy to hear you and your cousin are going through the same thing and its working out for the two of you!  :cheesy: and what did your close friends say when you told them? I am also afraid to tell them anything because Im scared of what they'll think.....and I wish I knew you in person so we can talk about this, since I feel like you understand me so well! but thanks anyways! It still helps to talk to you on here :)

@ JBunny- Thanks! Ill pray that it works out too! and I hope your cousin opens his eyes and follows his heart! so you guys can be together!  :smiley: What is going on now between the two of you?

Offline 恋しいのうめ

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #10 on: Aug 24, 2011, 10:29 PM »
Well I wouldn't necessarily say it's working out for us, we're struggling with having to live double lives. It's really difficult, especially for me. Lying to my parents constantly about where I am and hiding my feelings from people can be a heavy burden at times, especially when my cousin can see my moments of weakness.
As for our close friends knowing, they were accepting and they didn't judge. Then again, we talked about this beforehand as well. We told each other who we would and would not tell and talked about whether it was a good or a bad idea. We finally decided on telling the people who we would think wouldn't judge us and people we were mostly around; basically people who gave us the most benefit to tell. It's mostly his close friends that know and we generally had positive and neutral reactions. So my advice to you is tell the people who you think would be beneficial to you: ones that would support your relationship with your cousin, ones that would give you sound, unbiased advice about what you and your cousin are going through, etc. The more couples that you can tell, the better. It's good to have at least one couple that you can confide your relationship advice to. It doesn't necessarily have to be a cousin couple, just a couple that understands your situation.
If you would like more personal advice or would like to get to know me more, you can always PM me or email me.
« Last Edit: Aug 25, 2011, 12:17 AM by 恋しいのうめ »
Call me Plum, makes your life a lot easier than copying and pasting my name.

Offline MadlyInLove

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #11 on: Aug 25, 2011, 11:26 AM »
恋しいのうめ,
Thanks for the advice! I am going to see for sure what is going on between my cousin and I first before I tell anyone. And when I do tell my closest friends, I am going to ease them into the subject...maybe by first asking them how do they feel about cousin couples? or probably how would they feel if I told them I had some feelings for him?, etc?
...as for finding other couples, the only one I can think of is my aunt (23 yrs old)...but that's a NO because she already told me nothing could ever happen between the two of us
...SO I guess for now Im stuck with hiding my feelings from everyone, and as you said it is hard! Right now it feels like I have to tell someone, but I know I can't and yes it's hard!!
..oh and how can I get your email? Im new to this site do I dont know how to use it that much yet :) lol


Offline John

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #12 on: Aug 27, 2011, 12:10 AM »
When I had a relationship with my cousin, we didn't tell anyone.  We were content to just tell each other how we felt.  We were also proud of the fact that our great-grandparents were first cousins and if they had not married and had babies, we would have never been born.  We had an agreement that was her idea.  If both of us were still single in six years, we would move in together.  As far as our families were concerned, we would cross that bridge if we ever came to the bridge.  It didn't happen, but the bond between us was tight until her death.

Offline MadlyInLove

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #13 on: Aug 29, 2011, 01:26 PM »
Hi John,

Your story is inspiring! You are right! We should be content with just knowing we both feel the same way about each other!!!! And I already do! I get extremely happy when I hear his voice and right now I am happy with what we have. I need to appreciate the things I have now to the fullest. I am really sorry to hear your cousin passed away :'( and may she rest in peace! It is good to know that the bond you and your cousin had was strong!!! You made me realize that it is NOT our family who live our lives, so we should be able to make our own decisions without them choosing who or not we can be with! We are adults and well capable of knowing what we want, and I will not let them get in the way of us!!! As you said, we will cross that bridge if we ever come to it!!!!

Thank you so much for responding!!! I am seeing things in a whole new light now because of you!!!!!! I send my prayers to you and your family!!  :hug:

Offline Hawk

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Re: I think I'm in love with my cousin, what should I do???
« Reply #14 on: Aug 29, 2011, 11:37 PM »
MadlyInLove,
 You seem to be at the crossroads so to speak. You are at the right age to go for it, but young enough if you aren't careful, you will let your heads get in the way of your hearts. We let that happen when we were your age. We know better now, but much too much water has passed beneath the bridge. Looking back, we would have did things much differently, and probably went for it. Would we have ultimately made it, I don't know. Even though you may be cousins, you are still only human, and we all have our failings and differences. We are very much alike, but have some noticeable differences of attitude and opinion as well. We are still very close, and even after not being around each other all these years, are still close, and enjoy each others company very much.
 If I were you, I would keep this on the down low, until such time as you two can find a way to be together. If you let your family basically "forbid" you to be together, will they guarantee your future happiness for you? No. They will continue to manipulate you in other areas as well. You two will have to make yourselves happy, a manipulative and overbearing family cannot and will not do it for you.