Dear Auntie Kate:I have this cousin and we love each other. Well we were hanging out at his house and it was just him and me, one thing led to another and the next thing I knew we were having sex. Two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant with his baby. I told him and he said that he was there for me. But how can he be he is in the army and I am 18. He is 20. Here is my question how do I tell my parents without telling them I had sex with my third cousin?
Name: 14 and in love
Then dear, the only thing for you to do is to sit down with your folks and tell them exactly what you have told me. It will take some courage and determination, but you simply have to do it.
I canít tell from your letter if you are fourteen or eighteen, but either way love, you have some growing up to do before you become a mom. Asking for love and support from the people who love you most is the very best place to start.
Having a child out of wedlock isnít what it was in Kateís day, so you may find that your parents are more understanding than you expect. Itís a little late to be shy. You canít hide a pregnancy no mater what you do, so donít worry about telling them you have had sex and donít worry about telling them who. Anyway you do this itís going to come out so you might as well be up front. With third cousins there is no cousin question whatsoever so donít worry about that. At least at some level youíve been a tiny bit responsible. You do know who the future daddy is and your family knows him.
Moral and ethical issues aside, at least your young fellow is employed and will be able to support you in some ways and has offered to do so. Thatís good. You make sure you involve him in whatever you decide to do.
You are going to need a lot of milk and cookies and quiet moments in the next year.
Now speaking of quiet moments, get ready for your first one. Your
Aunt Kate does believe in a woman's right to choose. She also believes
in the sanctity of life and a prospective motherís responsibility to make
a conscientious and knowledgeable choice. Donít let the people who
love you pressure or bully you, or make this decision for you. Donít
let anyone tell you what to
But dear, itís really important that you do make the decision in the next two or three weeks. Critically important, or someone else will make the decision for you. Thatís why you need some time to have milk and cookies, or perhaps a cup of herbal tea and think. Your time as a child has passed whatever decision you make, so you might want to have a nice little cry and build up your courage. Sorry sweetie, youíre going to have a hard introduction to the adult world, so do your best to be calm, responsible and do the right things.
If ending this pregnancy has even crossed your mind, I recommend that you take counseling from a womenís health clinic right away. Today, or yesterday would be better. You just look in the Yellow Pages under health, or women. Start right away by asking the question, ďDo you believe in choice?Ē If they answer ďyesĒ without hesitation, stalling or double-talk, then run, donít walk to talk to them. Learn and understand about the alternatives. Donít you dare make a quick decision, but do learn and understand everything you can. We have fought very hard for that right, and being knowledgeable and responsible has to go with it.
KK dear, you will find that the womenís health folks are nice people who will treat you with dignity and respect. I do not recommend that you see a right to life ďfamily planningĒ group unless you have already chosen to carry your child to term. They will use bullying tactics and try to make up your mind for you. Remember, the ďchoiceĒ side of this argument believes in your right decide to be a mother or not. The ďlifeĒ side has a mission from God and they will do anything necessary to force you to do as they believe. They will even stall and make it hard for you to decide until your alternatives disappear. Do not agree to see or listen to these people unless you have already decided.
Oh I am sorry dear, Iíve lectured you like a commandant. In this situation it is the natural reaction of the people who love you. And dear, itís worth listening to them. Please forgive me.
I have one more little thing to say dear KK. No, maybe two or three. Please donít smoke, drink beer or alcohol. Donít use drugs of any kind. Not even aspirin. Eat healthy and eat well. See your doctor right away and do what she or he says. Be responsible and love that dear little life you are carrying. How sweet to be eighteen and have your mum tell you how she choose to love you and do whatever she had to do to make a life with you.
My heart is with you dear. Do write and tell us how things
Your Aunt Kate
Thanks for the help to answer my question. I am eighteen and I have decided to keep the baby. I found out that my parents really don't want me to have this baby. But I told them that I was going to keep the baby and they were not happy but they said they would support me. I told the father of the baby and he said that I could have the baby where he is or he will come down here with me. I have thought about moving up there with him but still I am not sure. He even said that we could get married when I turn 20 and i agreed so now I am going to get married when I am 20. I am very glad that he is there for me and can support me through this. His parents live down here by me so I stopped in yesterday and I told them that I was pregnant and their chins dropped but they were happy. I just wanted to say thanks and I will do what ever is best for me and my child.
Congratulations dear, you seem to be making well thought out decisions and are well on your way to doing the right things. It's so nice that you've taken the responsible, warm and loving choice.
And congratulations to your young man. I'm proud of him, not for getting carried away and being irresponsible, but for being enough of a man to be supportive and show that he really does love you and care for you. In these circumstances a gentleman's true nature does become apparent.
If you two go where your present attitudes take you, you will be great parents and very happy.
So sweetie, it's not all going to be easy, but it is so nice to have someone to hold your hand along the way. You're right not to worry about that ring for another couple of years. Adding a wedding to a crisis is never the best thing. I just get worked into a tizzy before weddings. Running, organizing, everything just frenetic. Everyone does. The next two years will be your baby's time. When you are twenty you can formalize your sweet little family.
I'm so happy for you, your man and all four grandparents. I think perhaps I'll see if Margaret want's to have a little celebration. Perhaps we could find a little sherry for after dinner and toast your good fortune! Oops.. I forgot dear, that's not quite appropriate.
Don't forget my last paragraph of advice dear. No health risks for the
dear little one, and see your doctor for the best advice!
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