On Sat, Aug 23, 2003, Porscha wrote me:
> Hello Abigail,
> Its Porscha here and im very confused about my cousins actions.
> Is it normal to massage your cousin on a bed and also tickling of backs
> and necks? I have very strong feelings for my cousin since a holiday a year
> ago and I thought it was mutual as he sent me regular emails which were
> suggestive (not sexually) then suddenly they stopped. He even told his dad
> that he had stopped emailing me. Just seems strange and I wasn't even being
> forward. I just can't seem to shake him from my thoughts, what do you think?
> yours Porscha
Ofcourse it's normal to massage a cousin and play tickling games... if yer
in love with a cousin! I'm thinking that maybe his e-mail correspondence
was intercepted or perhaps he fell in love with another damsel. You'll
never know unless you ask him what's going on, tho. Why aren't you on
the phone yet ?
On Sat, Aug 23, 2003, Robin wrote to me:
> It's good to talk to you. I have a question. If I live in a state that does
> not allow cousin marriages (Missouri) and I go to a state to get married that
> does allow it will the state I live in accept our marriage license or do I have
> to move.
From what I understand you'll need to move to another state. Missouri does
not recognise first cousin marriages performed in another state. I found
the information you requested at :
On Fri, Aug 22, 2003, Katie wrote me:
> Dear Mother Abigail
> I hope you find the time to reply to this, there is no one else I can turn to.
> Well to start with, I am 23years old and live in London, England. When I was 18 my parents
> and I went to Florida to visit my family. When I was there I saw my cousin for
> the first time in years, he was 24 then and I've always secretly fancied him since I was
> 12! After spending a lot of time together...it happened one night and we began
> dating. He came to London and I flew out there and we stayed in hotels in secret, only
> close friends knew, we made plans to marry later on as we were in love. Then
> the family found us out as threatened to tell the older people and said if we
> didn't end it we would bring shame and illness to the family. we ssaid we'd end it but
> continued in secret.
> Then after 3 years I ended things with him, I couldn't bear being apart and
> felt like we were drifting apart with the calls etc. He was my first love and I felt I needed
> to spread my wings a little before i settle down. However I saw him again when
> i flew over there for the first time in years this May, he has been with another girl for
> 18months and i guess he loves her now, she is in another part of the U.S. He
> was very cuddly, kind and attentive as always to me and we slept together twice...
> it was wonderful.
> But I am back in London and he calls me every day and always e-mails me.
> Mostly we talk about every day things like we used to and occasionaly flirt.
> Do you think he wants to start up again, or is he playing me? If he is
> playing me I don't understand because it's not for sex as I live here. He
> hasn't said anything about ending things with her but men don't stay friends with their ex
> for no reason.
> I think about him all the time, he is visiting her in a month and I feel sick
> thinking he will be there. I still love him. Is it too late? Please sort my head out!!
> Love from Katie
You come across as a smart young woman who knows what she wants and what she
needs. They say all is justified in love and war, but it must have been a
fool who wrote that, because I disagree with a passion. As long as he's in
a committed relationship, he should be off-limits. And he should not be
sleepin' around, even tho old love doesn't rust. It's a weak excuse for
not being able to remain faithful. It makes me wonder what would happen if
you two got together again and he'd get hungry, if you know what I mean.
It does look like he still has feelings for you, but I think that he's not
being fair to you and his girlfriend. He must make a choice, show
responsibility. My advice is to find out what he wants. A direct approach
gives the most clearity. If he needs time to sort out his feelings, give
him that space.. but not for too long! Don't let him play games with your
heart, nor your head. I hope this helps!
On Fri, Aug 22, 2003, L+J wrote:
> Dear Mother Abigail,
> We don't know what too do. My 2nd cousin and I have been having
> intercourse for the past week or so. He wants to know if you think we should stop? We
> love eachothers company but at times, our "relationship" gets confusing, at
> least for her, which is me, does. There is a 9 year age difference between us.
> For the past four-five months, we've been together non-stop. We go places, or
> just sit back and relax. I think I may be developing strong feeling for him, the
> thing is that I have a boyfriend. I also don't know his exact feelings about
> me. I've told him that I do like him and I've given him hints. What shoud we
I don't know both of your ages. If either of you is still a minor, I strongly
suggest the relationship be put in the fridge until you are emotionally ready
to deal with it. Nine years is a big gap, but not overcome'able. The owlder
you get, lesser the difference will be. I don't think anyone would care
if my partner was 101! If you're both consenting adults,
I see no reason why anyone would have a problem with your relationship, and
certainly no reason to 'stop'. I do wonder why you feel uncomfortable in
the relationship at times tho. Look deep into your soul and you'll realize
that you already know the answer. In any case, don't worry about the
'cousin thing'. A handfull of prejudiced people may give you some grief,
but you get to have the fun of setting them straight.
Now i'll address the second part of your e-mail. You have a boyfriend.
The mere fact that you're being unfaithful says enough. You're missing something.
And most likely you've found that in your cousin. In all fairness, if you
choose to persue a relationship with someone else, you should break off the
relationship with your current boyfriend. You can't have both, dear.
It reminds me of a song named 'Too Much Love', from Queen.
It says a lot! For the occasion, i've included them below.
I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me
I'm far away from home
And I've been facing this alone
For much too long
I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been looking back to find
Where I went wrong
Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster
'cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems like there's no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine
Now all I ever do is bring you down
How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see that it's impossible to choose
No there's no making sense of it
Every way I go I'm bound to lose
Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you
Too much love will kill you
It'll make your life a lie
Yes, too much love will kill you
And you won't understand why
You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul
But here it comes again
Too much love will kill you
In the end...
In the end.
On Wed, Aug 20, 2003, rj wrote:
> hi am new to all of this and i am in need for some advice
> i have been seeing my second cousin for about 3 months now but she is younger then me i am 19 and she is 16
> we have been sexualy involved and we really love each other but we are hiding our relationship from our familys
> i live in another state and i see her every weekend
> she is still in school and i work and when she turns 18 she is going to move in with me
> but i really love her but how to i know if she really loves me
> she turns 18 in like 2 years and how can we keep our relationship quite till then
> truly yours
It is not my place to give you advice on how to sneak around with
your cousin without being caught. It is your choice wether or not to
keep it quiet. I don't know what the age of consent is in your state.
Make sure you're not violating the law. Second cousins have very little
in common -- genetically. Your relationship should be a non-issue for
your family. Ofcourse, prejudices and plain ignorance can make a difference.
My advice is to arm yourself with facts from this site and
cuddleinternational.org, and break the news to the family. Their reaction
might not be half as bad as you anticipate!
On Sun, Aug 17, 2003, nat wrote:
> Please explain "doublefirstcousins."
"Double cousins" are cousins from two separate sets of common ancestors. A
simple case would be this:George Smith has two daughters, Mary and Jane. Jack
Jones has two sons, Tom and David. Mary marries Tom Jones and Jane marries
Mary's daughter Susan Jones, is first cousin to Jane's daughter Helen Jones
and their common ancestor is grandfather George Smith. But they also have a
common ancestor in grandfather Jack Jones because their fathers are brothers.
Helen Jones and Susan Jones are double first cousins.
On Sat, Aug 16, 2003, gregory wrote:
> Abigail , I am unable to find an advice for my situation , so I hope it is ok to ask you ?
> I am having a sexual relationship with an aunt , my mothers youngest sister.
> She is 16 years older than me , but I am a grown man in my 40's so its not
> like we don't know what we are doing.
> Is there any place , any where , that we could be married ?
> We want to live as man and wife for the rest of our lives. thank you. Steve
I'll be direct, short and honest.
How to get married is the least of your problems, Gregory.
The sexual relationship you're describing is clearly defined by law as incest.
There is no way you can marry your aunt. I'll refrain from passing judgement,
as that is not my place. It is God's, and His alone.
On Thu, Aug 14, 2003, Amy wrote:
> Mother Abigail,
> I have fallen in love with my second cousin!!! We had not seen each other in
> 20 years and from the moment I saw him walk across the parking lot I knew I
> had to have him.... at that time I did not even know that he was my cousin..
> then my mother introduced us and he has been the only thing on my mind ever
> There are so many things wrong with us seeing each other... to start with,
> he's married. He is not happy with his marriage and has not been for quite
> some time. He is very open and honest and he did tell his wife about he and
> I and our relationship. His wife had two children when they married, the
> oldest was 4 and the youngest was 9 months old. My cousin (Chris) adopted
> both of them and has raised them well. He is a good father. Their daughter
> has cystic fibrosis and is nearing a double lung transplant probably in
> October. He does not want to hurt his daughter but he does not want to be
> with his wife any longer....
> My parents are so very mad at me as Chris is my mothers first cousin. They
> also know his wife and daughter so they are calling me a home wrecker and
> told me that I will go straight to Hell if I pursue this relationship with
> him. No one in my family will ever support my decision to be with him. I
> know that they will always love me but I would really like to have their
> approval when it comes to matters of the heart. I am very close to my family
> so this has been so hard on us all. My grandparents told me that second
> cousins are too close to marry and that if we had children together there
> would be something terribly wrong with them. Is that true? Are second
> cousins too close in the blood line to be married and have children
> I can see myself being with him and being happy for the rest of my life. He
> makes me happy.... truly happy in a way that no one else ever has. He is my
> every fantasy and wish and dream come true.
> Please give me your advice as I have no one else to "talk" to regarding this
> very sensitive matter.
> Thank you for taking the time to read my letter and thank you in advance for
> your reply... I just know that you will be able to tell me something....
> Amy and Chris
That is a complex situation you've found yourself in, dear!
I understand that your cousin wants to be there for his daughter, and not
put the children through any unneccesary stress. That is very commendable!
From what I understood his wife knows about his affair, and that they're
still together due to their daughter's nearing double lung transplant.
In essense they are married by law, but they have parted in heart and
spirit. Ofcourse, the pretense-bubble of a happy family will inevitably
burst. It cannot sustain, because if it would be unfair to the children
to give them a false sense of security. The subject of divorce will come
up again at a later time. I'm confident that he will be just as good as
a father after the divorce. He'll continue to play an important role in
their children's lifes.
Your parents need to accept your and Chris' choice. With or without their
blessing you're going to persue a relationship. Be frank with them.
Be blunt if you need to... but you need to get that point across. If they
chose to reject you because of it, so be it. It's time to make a stand!
Now, your grandparents are talking out of their asses, I tell ya!
Excuse my french... but second cousins have genetically very little in
common. The increased risk for conceiving children is almost nothing.
Even the increased risk of first cousins procreating is very small.
You have nothing to worry about. You can marry your cousin, and no one
will even frown!
There is a lot of information on this site and another one named
www.cuddleinternational.org, that effectively disspell the myths. I
suggest you do your homework and share it with your family. You
might be surprised!
My apologies for my late reply. The move to Colorado took up my time!
On Tue, Aug 12, 2003, Samantha wrote:
> I get to visit my relatives on the east coast every 4 years or so, and I
> have been in love with my cousin since 1999, when I was 12 years old (he
> was 11). This year, my family took the trip back east and, my cousin told
> me that he had been in love with me ever since he could remember. We
> started getting romantically involved behind our relatives' backs, and when
> I had to leave we exchanged e-mail and instant messenger information. For
> a while we kept in close contact, we would meet secretly every night and
> talk online. But, about a two weeks ago he told me that our relationship
> was getting too weird and that he wanted to break it off. I tried to
> explain everything that I learned online when I was having doubts about our
> relationship, but he still broke it off, he didn't even say goodbye. I
> haven't heard from him since, and I'm falling apart because of it--I cry
> for what seems like no reason, only to find that I've been thinking of him.
> I know he still loves me, and I am still very much in love with him--I
> don't understand why this shouldn't be able to work. It's getting harder
> and harder to carry on with my life when this pain inside of me keeps
> wearing me down. I don't know what to do anymore. Please, help me.
I am very sorry to hear you're in pain over matters of the heart, dear.
It sounds like your cousin broke off the relationship either due to
peer pressure or to end it before anyone finds out. Cousin relationships
are more complex because of the social stigma. However, I firmly believe
that if you truely love someone you can overcome criticism, peer pressure
and ridicule. I can only speculate about your cousin's exact motivations
to end the relationship, but your tongue ain't gonna win his heart.
If he still loves you in that way, return that love without any
expectations... without strings attached, so to speak. Sometimes we
need to let the ones we love go, set them free. It is an unselfish
yet painful act of love, and I know you have the strength to do just yet.
God will sort it out! He always does. I don't know if you believe in God
or not, but that doesn't matter, Samantha. God believes in you!
Ron wrote to me :
> i am new to this kind of stuff but i need advice i have a female cousin that
> i have a crush on and i love being around her she is 18 and i am 19 she
> makes me feel great inside and i think about her all the time
> i told her how i felt and she felt the same way for me and now we are
> together but for 3 months but we have been keeping it a secret from the
> family and i was wonder what we should do
> because we really love each other and we want to start a family of our own
> some day and i was wondering if we should go on with our relationship or
> break it off now before anybody knows
> truly yours
> ronnie & gina
Mother Abigail's answer :
Hi Ron! How wonderful that you've decided to share your concerns with this
owld lady. Back in 1911 I was so much in love with my cousin
Roderick! We made love in the cornfield, and it was heavenly. Time sure
moves on quickly, Ron. Before you know it you're my age! You haven't told
me about your anticipation of the reaction of your family. I take it you
fear their reaction, dontcha ? Truth is, Ron, you shouldn't allow anyone
to dictate how you run your life. If you both love eachother and want to
be with eachother, take pride in your relationship. Show commitment, and
don't let anyone lead you into the wilderness! Your family should respect
your choices, and support you. If they don't want to have anything to do
with the two of you anymore, so be it. It'll be their loss. My advice is
to break the news to your family, regardless of the consequences. Show
them this is your choice, and that they have no influence over it. Ask
them for their blessing, but make sure they understand that you will
persue this relationship regardless. It could help to prepare yourself.
CousinCouples.com and cuddleinternational.org provide many facts you can
arm yourself with. Teach the ignorant!
Love to both you and Gina,
Kim wrote to Mother Abigail :
Hello Abigail! I was wondering if you could help me with a cousin
Near mid-July, my family went on a vacation. And on that vacation I
got to see my favorite male cousin. I've had kind of a small crush on
him for about 3-4 years now, without him knowing. Anyways, I think my
feelings for him stepped up a level when I saw him for a few days.
During our vacation, my family had a cookout at the place we were
staying. We invited our family members and some of their friends.
Anyways, I talked with my cousin a few times, and every time I did,
I'd start blushing. He brought up our past, and how we used to wrestle
when we were younger. He barely did things with the other people
around...it was mostly me. We laughed and smiled at each other. He
snuck up on me once and started pushing the back of my head.
What I really want to know is, could he have feelings for me? It
feels like he could, but another part of me says no, because of our
ages. I'm currently 16 and a half, and my cousin is.....33. I know
thats a HUGE age gap, but I can't stop thinking about him. I just want
to know if he has any feelings for me. Thanks.
Abigail Freemantle's answer :
Hello dear! I hope this message receives you well. It may not be
exactly what you were hoping for, but I must be honest!
You are a young girl, on your way to becoming a woman. You're
changing every day. Like a caterpillar, you're on your way to
become a beautiful butterfly. The object of your affection is in
a complete different emotional state than you are. A different
phase, so to speak. Therefore I don't feel it is right to
persue a relationship at this moment. Enjoy being young right
now for atleast two or three more years. Enjoy being the
caterpillar! Those times will never return again, so embrace it.
If you still have feelings for him in two or three years, you're free
and emotionally ready to persue them. As to your other question,
does he have feelings for you ? May hap he does, may hap he don't!
But judging from your words, he might feel more for you than merely
'cousinly' feelings. But most important is that if he loves you, he'll
let you be free to become that butterfly.