To the unfortunate souls who fall in love with their cousins,
This is a cautionary tale that I hope helps demonstrate what happens when you don’t listen.
I came to this site a few years ago looking for some information after a strange meeting with a cousin I hadn’t meet until adulthood. It was just like all the other stories about needing to be near each other and an immediate affinity, etc It was early days and all a bit overwhelming, so I looked at a few posts and made the decision that they seemed a bit extreme and I just need to stop being stupid. A big mistake.
One of the repeated themes in the advice given to people was that if it couldn’t work out YOU NEED TO FINISH ALL CONTACT. This is the part I thought was the silly and extreme bit. Surely as a mature person I could manage myself without needing to be kind of mean and childish by cutting him off.
Well no. Flash forward a few years and I have all but ripped the wheels off my life and there is nothing left of the relationship with my cousin.
I certainly wasn’t looking to meet someone new and was in a long-term relationship which was pretty good. We had the usual day to day issues everyone has but a solid foundation in friendship and always protected our relationship. Sadly, the perimeter is breached unknowingly in these situations because you don’t think you need to have a perimeter with your family members until its already too late.
I had the best intentions trying to maintain this relationship but if it can’t work out don’t bother. It feels special but it’s actually just like anything else when it goes to rubbish, only there is more to lose. There is something about it that is hypnotic or additive or something like that but the spell can be broken.
I could go into a lot of detail listing reasons and mistakes but there is no point. Life will keep moving on and with each step further away from an opportunity to be together it will destroy you over and over again.
I eventually sabotaged this relationship to finish it. Mostly subconsciously to begin with because I wanted to stop hurting but at the same time not lose him that kept me going back and he would always forgive me. There was a point at the beginning I might have been able to walk away but after that I was out of control. This began from the first eye contact and I honestly couldn’t stop myself until one day I looked around at my now fragile husband and the rest of my life that had changed a lot, and it was as if I had woken up from a dream. We stopped contact and it took about 3 months to feel like myself again. I was grieving that whole time and if he had given in to talking to me I would be back on that rollercoaster without a doubt. But not anymore.
I thought I would be miserable without him and I was initially but it was the best thing I could do. It doesn’t even feel like I could care about him that way anymore even with effort and there’s so much more in life to enjoy rather than wasting time on something you can’t have or someone that doesn’t want you.
I can see that if it did work out it would be amazing and the bond of a lifetime but when it doesn’t you need to burst that love bubble or you will go crazy. It will become an all consuming living hell if you don’t.
Sadly there were casualties for us.
I did lose a friend and he was a good one. There was no saving this.
Our two extended families won’t likely have any further contact.
I did stupid stuff and made a fool of myself but who cares. I hurt other people and become someone I’m not which is not cool and not right and it was all for nothing.
I’m was lucky to have a husband who loved me a lot, stuck around and our relationship is even better now largely because of his commitment to making it work. But I was lucky!
We are in our 40’s. I’ve been married some time and had relationships that didn’t work out before with none of this crazy b/s. There is something about this that is like nothing else and I can tell you I would never have hung in so long for anyone else. I was convinced my cousin and I should be together but that was never going to happen and I couldn’t see it at the time which is an insanity I just can’t account for. I think when you feel so strongly about someone, it’s a long life not to tell them about it so I wouldn’t change that. What I would have done differently is walk away when I got my answer. This is an all or nothing situation whether you like it or not because it is so intense and nothing else they or you can offer will be enough.
This post doesn’t begin to capture how terrible and wonderful and devasting this has been and its only my side of the story. If after the initial freak out at the intensity of your feelings for each other you can’t have a conversation, there is a problem for one of you. DON’T DO IT! Just go your own way and don’t look back. It wasn’t worth it and we ended up with nothing anyway so I could have avoided years of pain before I even begin to consider the humiliation of my desperate attempts to be close him.
MANY other posts suggest it never really goes away, and people reconnect years later or they long for the other person indefinitely. I feel pretty good now but will heed the warning this time rather than learn the hard way and won’t be taking any chances and seeing him again.
I’m not inviting comment in particular with this post but hopefully it might help someone else make better decisions.
Ha, well I am forced to take it slow anyhow, seeing as I have few methods of contacting her. I manage though.
The reality is that no communication exists except through my letters and the occasional phone call. She is deprived of having a phone by her parents, and has no personal computer for email. I can talk to her only by calling her brother, which is awkward. I believe my letters are quaint and polite. Though you might be thinking of love letters, these letters are actually just myself addressing ideas and asking questions. But I value honesty, and withholding information seems wrong. Sure she might not be ready for it, but on the other hand she might go on thinking I don't feel for her in that way and thus won't express herself to me. So far I've been gradually introducing the idea to her, through subtle remarks about her in the text of the letters.
I totally want kids. I actually find this trait very appealing.
I want to be a bio-robotic engineer, specializing in advanced prostheses. I am currently attending a community college, majoring in Computer Programming, but intend to move on to a larger university and majoring in Bio-molecular engineering there. I have been trying to transfer into the Georgia Institute of Technology but they keep declining my application even though my grades and test scores are great. My next try is for the United States Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, Colorado. I work part time (27-30 hours/week) as a line cook at a Red Lobster.
Does she know about the cousin-marriage facts? You need to learn them first from this website, and then discuss the issue with her. If she has no information on cousin-romance to counteract her concerns, then it makes sense that they will get to her after a while.
Best of luck
Are you the guy or the girl? From the order of your post, you are the girl, yeah?
At any rate, the reason why I ask is because
Let's pretend the stars aligned differently and you know the future and that both families will accept you...or make it no big deal. (again, let's pretend). My question would be: will your answer change? Like... it sounds to me that your desire (or lack thereof) for marriage is contingent to the families reaction, am I right?
Since I want to isolate marriage itself, that's why I asked. Now, you plan of moving in together -- to be honest, it is almost like marriage in the practical sense. I mean, you will be living with him man.. Sooo..it's really not the marriage issue.
If you would commit to life-long secrecy, then you cannot be moving in together, am I right? Or.. perhaps you can enlighten us on your plans.
Again, thanks for the thread coz I can relate to this. Thanks for opening this.