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  2. To the unfortunate souls who fall in love with their cousins, This is a cautionary tale that I hope helps demonstrate what happens when you don’t listen. I came to this site a few years ago looking for some information after a strange meeting with a cousin I hadn’t meet until adulthood. It was just like all the other stories about needing to be near each other and an immediate affinity, etc It was early days and all a bit overwhelming, so I looked at a few posts and made the decision that they seemed a bit extreme and I just need to stop being stupid. A big mistake. One of the repeated themes in the advice given to people was that if it couldn’t work out YOU NEED TO FINISH ALL CONTACT. This is the part I thought was the silly and extreme bit. Surely as a mature person I could manage myself without needing to be kind of mean and childish by cutting him off. Well no. Flash forward a few years and I have all but ripped the wheels off my life and there is nothing left of the relationship with my cousin. I certainly wasn’t looking to meet someone new and was in a long-term relationship which was pretty good. We had the usual day to day issues everyone has but a solid foundation in friendship and always protected our relationship. Sadly, the perimeter is breached unknowingly in these situations because you don’t think you need to have a perimeter with your family members until its already too late. I had the best intentions trying to maintain this relationship but if it can’t work out don’t bother. It feels special but it’s actually just like anything else when it goes to rubbish, only there is more to lose. There is something about it that is hypnotic or additive or something like that but the spell can be broken. I could go into a lot of detail listing reasons and mistakes but there is no point. Life will keep moving on and with each step further away from an opportunity to be together it will destroy you over and over again. I eventually sabotaged this relationship to finish it. Mostly subconsciously to begin with because I wanted to stop hurting but at the same time not lose him that kept me going back and he would always forgive me. There was a point at the beginning I might have been able to walk away but after that I was out of control. This began from the first eye contact and I honestly couldn’t stop myself until one day I looked around at my now fragile husband and the rest of my life that had changed a lot, and it was as if I had woken up from a dream. We stopped contact and it took about 3 months to feel like myself again. I was grieving that whole time and if he had given in to talking to me I would be back on that rollercoaster without a doubt. But not anymore. I thought I would be miserable without him and I was initially but it was the best thing I could do. It doesn’t even feel like I could care about him that way anymore even with effort and there’s so much more in life to enjoy rather than wasting time on something you can’t have or someone that doesn’t want you. I can see that if it did work out it would be amazing and the bond of a lifetime but when it doesn’t you need to burst that love bubble or you will go crazy. It will become an all consuming living hell if you don’t. Sadly there were casualties for us. I did lose a friend and he was a good one. There was no saving this. Our two extended families won’t likely have any further contact. I did stupid stuff and made a fool of myself but who cares. I hurt other people and become someone I’m not which is not cool and not right and it was all for nothing. I’m was lucky to have a husband who loved me a lot, stuck around and our relationship is even better now largely because of his commitment to making it work. But I was lucky! We are in our 40’s. I’ve been married some time and had relationships that didn’t work out before with none of this crazy b/s. There is something about this that is like nothing else and I can tell you I would never have hung in so long for anyone else. I was convinced my cousin and I should be together but that was never going to happen and I couldn’t see it at the time which is an insanity I just can’t account for. I think when you feel so strongly about someone, it’s a long life not to tell them about it so I wouldn’t change that. What I would have done differently is walk away when I got my answer. This is an all or nothing situation whether you like it or not because it is so intense and nothing else they or you can offer will be enough. This post doesn’t begin to capture how terrible and wonderful and devasting this has been and its only my side of the story. If after the initial freak out at the intensity of your feelings for each other you can’t have a conversation, there is a problem for one of you. DON’T DO IT! Just go your own way and don’t look back. It wasn’t worth it and we ended up with nothing anyway so I could have avoided years of pain before I even begin to consider the humiliation of my desperate attempts to be close him. MANY other posts suggest it never really goes away, and people reconnect years later or they long for the other person indefinitely. I feel pretty good now but will heed the warning this time rather than learn the hard way and won’t be taking any chances and seeing him again. I’m not inviting comment in particular with this post but hopefully it might help someone else make better decisions.
  3. Today
  4. Ha, well I am forced to take it slow anyhow, seeing as I have few methods of contacting her. I manage though. The reality is that no communication exists except through my letters and the occasional phone call. She is deprived of having a phone by her parents, and has no personal computer for email. I can talk to her only by calling her brother, which is awkward. I believe my letters are quaint and polite. Though you might be thinking of love letters, these letters are actually just myself addressing ideas and asking questions. But I value honesty, and withholding information seems wrong. Sure she might not be ready for it, but on the other hand she might go on thinking I don't feel for her in that way and thus won't express herself to me. So far I've been gradually introducing the idea to her, through subtle remarks about her in the text of the letters. I totally want kids. I actually find this trait very appealing. I want to be a bio-robotic engineer, specializing in advanced prostheses. I am currently attending a community college, majoring in Computer Programming, but intend to move on to a larger university and majoring in Bio-molecular engineering there. I have been trying to transfer into the Georgia Institute of Technology but they keep declining my application even though my grades and test scores are great. My next try is for the United States Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, Colorado. I work part time (27-30 hours/week) as a line cook at a Red Lobster.
  5. Turbogs

    Confused

    The only other thing she has told me was that I’m to clingy
  6. Ambra_Flows

    Confused

    Does she know about the cousin-marriage facts? You need to learn them first from this website, and then discuss the issue with her. If she has no information on cousin-romance to counteract her concerns, then it makes sense that they will get to her after a while. Best of luck Ambra
  7. Yesterday
  8. Are you the guy or the girl? From the order of your post, you are the girl, yeah? At any rate, the reason why I ask is because Let's pretend the stars aligned differently and you know the future and that both families will accept you...or make it no big deal. (again, let's pretend). My question would be: will your answer change? Like... it sounds to me that your desire (or lack thereof) for marriage is contingent to the families reaction, am I right? Since I want to isolate marriage itself, that's why I asked. Now, you plan of moving in together -- to be honest, it is almost like marriage in the practical sense. I mean, you will be living with him man.. Sooo..it's really not the marriage issue. If you would commit to life-long secrecy, then you cannot be moving in together, am I right? Or.. perhaps you can enlighten us on your plans. Again, thanks for the thread coz I can relate to this. Thanks for opening this. Pooch
  9. pooch

    Confused

    There are lots of things you are not telling. There are definitely a reason as to why she does not to be with you anymore. You said, "one of her reasoning...". Can you tell me other reasons that she give you? Pooch
  10. Turbogs

    Confused

    So last month my cousin decides to tell me she doesn’t want to be with me anymore after being together for 2 years. One of her reasoning being that we are cousins and that she can’t make love to me without drinking even though she didn’t have that problem when we first got together. I’m head over heels for her and I do t know what to do I really don’t wanna give up on her. What should I do?
  11. Yeah I've never really wanted to get married and neither has my cousin. I'm wondering how we would be perceived when moving in together. As long as we can live together in the future, I don't care.
  12. Last week
  13. Omg! You are so cool. You know what we considered this as well.. but i dunno... we still want to give it a shot.. And yes, we both hold marriage as sacred and of high standard and seriousness so that's why probably.. Anyways, i will comment more. Nice thread though! Pooch
  14. Whatever you think will work for the moving in thing. Good luck.
  15. My answer was in the post that you responded to. There are no simple solutions to a case like this.
  16. You wrote: "At a recent family reunion, I asked about the first wife and the coincidence in her having the same name as I do. This sent him off the rails , in a spitting nails fit of cruelty and rage, directed at me." I would be concerned about his reaction. I've known people who go nuts over a simple question. He may be a very abusive person, who does not communicate effectively. That should be your main concern. The rest of what you've written, just sounds like this is all your perspective, and none of it his perspective towards you. Going by what you've written, I would NOT pursue a relationship with him.
  17. My first cousin and I (30sF, 40sM) are together and we are both committed to keeping our relationship secret, not out of legal concern (cousin marriage is legal where we are) but because we know our families woild not react well. Neither of us has EVER wanted to get married or have kids so that's a moot point. We intend to keep the relationship under wraps until all our parents are gone. I see a lot of stories about telling families, marriage, etc. but has anyone committed to keeping the relationship largely under wraps? Looking for ideas on how to explain hi eventually moving in with me. We are thinking of saying that he needed a cheap room to rent. I make mror than he does (different fields) so it's not unheard of. Share your secrevy tips!
  18. I have a complicated cousin relationship that I need help with. First of all, I adore my older cousin. He is 10 years older than I am. When my twin and I were little, we would see him at our grandmothers house with all of our other cousins. We have a large, happy family. I have 4 aunts and uncles. He is an extension of my two older brothers to me, and has always treated me with brotherly affection and teasing cousin love. I'm easy to talk to, too. So he grew up, worked with his dad, at 17, and my twin and I grew our separate ways, until, one day, she kills herself. This of course devastated the entire family. The first Christmas without my twin, we spent at our aunt Helen, the mother of my love interest, Henry. My aunt, the mother of my love interest, offered to let me live with her . I said no, so that I could be of comfort to my parents, at home still. Helen noticed that her son, Henry had taken an interest in his much younger cousin (me). They were now both much older, and in his dumb mind, she was 14 when the twin died. In actuality, the twins were 20 when the suicide occured. Henry and I did not talk about this interest, but I have known it was there my entire life. He even married a woman, with my name, and she had a mother commit suicide. I am unsure of the married relationship and how communication and bonding went, but she did divorce Henry after 2 children and 15 years of marriage. This choice in a marriage partner endeared me even more to Henry, so that I felt he cared enough to help resolve this grief, by introducing another participant into the family dynamics. So here now, after the long history, is my question, or situation. This first wife divorced him. I liked her, and now he hates her. I feel like I must choose sides now between his ex wife and his new wife. I never grieved his divorce. At a recent family reunion, I asked about the first wife and the coincidence in her having the same name as I do. This sent him off the rails , in a spitting nails fit of cruelty and rage, directed at me. I think it is the suicide, and grief associated with unresolved divorce , comes out sideways. I am understanding, feel even more bonded and connected, I feel sympathetic, forgiveness, and compassion. At the same time, I want to preserve whatever trust there is in our relationship. I have told him this, and have asked him that we do not communicate on social media any longer, as it is too difficult to resolve interpersonal relationships this way. He has a career that carries him into the wilderness, with no phone or internet access at times. So how do I proceed with this cousin, Henry?
  19. personally, i think his behavior sounds kinda stalker-ish. if it's all just by text and social media, then i don't know what can be done. but if he bothers you in person or at your home or workplace, you might consider filing a restraining order.
  20. Fallon was taking notes lol. Liked that!
  21. Sayang nmn sir @pooch kung wala kayo baby hehe. Anyways basta ba ay masaya kayo yun importante po,
  22. How long was this recent? And also, have you known him since when you guys were little kids? Pooch
  23. I see... Then its time for a stronger dosage. A harder "No stop it" that will repel him must be done. Otherwise he just wont stop because he couldn't stop. If we like a girl so much, I believe, we need those stronger dosage of rejection --- you know? Make it along the lines of "Hey, what the f---. I am sorry. Please stop. I already said "No" and that's my decision. Stop talking to me". A firm response like that will not drive him away though. But it will make him stop and will be repelled because you are stern this time. He will be afraid of losing you if he continues making advances; hence it will die down. Dont be afraid of losing your cousin though (in the sense of his presence)....coz you wont. But it will make the job done (him stopping these advances). Pooch
  24. So my 2nd cousin is coming out for vacation and we’ve been talking over the phone for the last several months before she gets here to New York. I have a crush on her, but not sure she is interested in me. During our talks she has said she wants to do molly with me and get super drunk. She said that she is down for anything, knows we are going to be sleeping in the same bed when she comes out. We’re both in our late 30’s, and the family is not really a factor. We’ve seen each other maybe a total of four times our whole lives but have always kept in touch She’s been sending me pics of what she’s going to wear when she’s out here, telling me things like her butt is hanging out of her romper and that she needs help from me zipping her dresses up. Then there are moments when she completely shuts down and I don’t hear from her for a couple of days. Then she will hit me back up like nothing happened... however yesterday she was extremely short with me, and I didn’t hear from her today. I’m giving her whatever space she needs. We have already planned a trip for Australia together in the winter and again she knows we’re sharing a bed, and it’s just going to be us and another trip to France in the summer. She says things like “What if you find someone, you won’t want to go with me” and I’ll reply with the same question and she’ll say she never wants to date again She’s single and I’m single... no kids. So I guess my question is, does it sound like she’s open to whatever happens when she comes out here? Knowing she is down to drink and do molly with me, staying in the same bed, chatting back and forth etc, or is she just coming out to have a good time? Am I reading too much into the partying aspect of the trip? She has never alluded to wanting to hook up, but would she? I’ve never alluded either.
  25. It’s a tricky one Asteriia, I think when you are younger stuff is already very intense and confusing before you add in something like this. You both have a long way to go in life and there is a risk a mistake now could make things hard for you both and for your family. A strong friendship is also a special thing to share with someone and a good foundation for the future if that is still what you feel is right down the track. It’s hard to imagine how much time you have when you are young but you have lots. Also if it’s the law where you are you should follow that for now even if you don’t agree with it.
  26. Pooch, I really rejected him, and after a long conversation he gave up and agreed to pretend that nothing happened and i was relieved. But now he's bringing it again... and i don't have a boyfriend and he knows this.
  27. Wala eh.. Hindi rin kasi naming plan na magka-baby. Since nagumpisa kami, wala kaming plan na magkababy. So kami na talaga ever since. We both accepted naman na yun ang destiny talaga namin. Pooch
  28. Although it's off topic, I will only reply once: Of course it is not a sin! Matter of fact, the Bible is FULL of cousin relationships. Lol. A famous one in the Bible is Jacob (the grandson or "apo") of Abraham and Leah/Rachel are cousins. There are more examples. In the New Testament, I think a tradition can even be traced on Mary and Joseph (although I haven't studied this yet). Saying that cousin relationships is a sin in the eyes of God is definitely NOT true. Sure, in the eyes of society, maybe it's a sin... But do you want the society to dictate what your relationship is like? For example, online dating has once had a bad reputation as to how two people meet one another, right? But nowadays, it's becoming more and more acceptable. If a person depends her happiness with acceptance from society, then nobody is going to be happy. You know what I am saying? So as long as God is on your side -- that's all that matters. You love your cousin and that ends the discussion there. Period. Now moving on to the topic at hand.. .:) The Kinship chart is a little confusing but there are charts that are easier to understand. What's more difficult is finding the specific laws that applies to the kinship chart. lol. For example, in the Philippines, Filipinos rely on the "family code of the Philippines". It has been there since forever and I don't think it will be revised pretty soon. Filipinos are largely catholic and a change in the family code might erode some of the rich heritage that our culture holds. For example, we do not allow divorce or same-sex marriage or anything along those lines. The family code protects us in that kind of a way. Changing the family code might endanger our traditional identity so I am in favor for it actually despite the fact that it disallows cousin marriages. Some charts are good shortcuts in identifying plausible marriages though especially if you are considering going abroad (marrying abroad). Pooch
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