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Showing content with the highest reputation since 03/26/2018 in all areas

  1. 1 point
    This is a post I've been meaning to write for a while, because I see so many people struggling with their feelings, and with how the world will/is responding. And I too struggled for years, and thought the idea of being with my cousin was impossible, and thought that if we were together, if by some chance he felt about me the way I felt about him, things would be impossibly hard. We've been married for about two months now. At the very least, members of our family(ies) accept us, and some of them are very happy we're together. Our friends all know and accept us. We are very lucky, and our world is not going to be what everyone gets, but I've learned that there are some advantages to cousin relationships that most relationships don't have, and I want to share that, because I think a lot of you don't know that, and are scared and confused, and I want you to know that not only are cousin relationships NOT impossible, but there are some things that make them special. So, for one thing. If/when your family accepts your relationship, here's a big plus: you are both invested in the same people. When our mutual grandmother (she just turned 87 and lives by herself) needs help, we are both right there to do everything we can. If one of us is more available than the other, that person spends the night at her house. If she's not feeding herself right, we both remind her of that, and if one of us decides to buy her nutritional supplements out of our grocery fund, the other one is happy about that. This is our family. We take care of them, and we both know why, and we both agree on that. Related, if there is a disagreement in the family, we send in the one of us who is best positioned to handle it. So, my husband/cousin's mother's husband (no relation to either of us) emailed the family saying he thought we should all come together and force our grandmother (again, no relation of his) into assisted living. And we talked about how to respond, and in that case my husband/cousin handled it beautifully. And I'm the one who calls our grandmother at least once a week, and tells her we both love her, and checks in on how she's doing, because I'm better on the phone. All of the above is about family, which is really important. But the personal is even more important. My husband/cousin and I saw each other a couple of times a year when we were kids. We didn't see each other for about ten years from adolescence to adulthood. After that, we saw each other again about twice a year, until I moved close to him and things got complicated. But at that point, I already knew him. I'd known him my whole life. We always talked freely about our relationships to each other. I watched him be a father to another woman's three girls, who weren't his, until she made it impossible for him. I knew what he would be like in a relationship before I was ever with him. I knew his strengths, and his flaws, just as he knew mine. And I knew that his strengths were exactly what I needed, and I knew that I complimented his flaws. I walked into this relationship knowing exactly what I was walking into, and loving him for who he is. To me, that's the most powerful potential about a cousin relationship. That you can know the other person, so well, on other terms, before you become romantically involved or commit to them. That's not something most people get to have. Anyone who reads this and is struck by it, or anyone who is struggling with the possibility of a cousin relationship, please feel free to respond here, or to message me directly. And for those of you who are in happy cousin relationships: anything to add?
  2. 1 point
    Rachael - you and your cousin are adults. Cousins are legal in the UK. You have the right to live your own life without getting permission from your parents. I think your cousin is right. It is scary but if I were in your position, I would rather be with my cousin. Do please let us know how things go with you. HUGS Nat
  3. 1 point
    The age difference may be an issue right now. Not that 2 years is problematic, but simply that she is getting ready to head off to university and you are still in school at home and the timing is bad for you. This is a difficult time to embark on a new relationship with her. The best advice I can give is to spend as much time as you can with her right now; become her friend. If she does have a boyfriend, you will need to refrain from romantic overtures. Once she goes off to university, her world is going to change and enlarge and you are correct that she might find a young man there that she likes. And a long distance relationship is never easy. If things are meant to be between you two, then it will happen.
  4. 1 point
    That's a tough situation. I haven't been there, but I've often thought that if my cousin (first cousin, now husband) and I had gotten together when we were younger/ when I was still financially dependent on my dad in college, he would have totally freaked out. The way it went for us, I was 28, financially independent, and living in a different state. I'd had feelings for my cousin forever, but it never occurred to me that a relationship was possible until then. My dad wasn't thrilled when I first told him, but he also knew that he didn't get a say, and he'd had several years to deal with me being an adult and making decisions he didn't always agree with. You are absolutely right that you should get to decide who you want to be in a relationship with. Being an adult who is financially dependent on a parent is tough for lots of reasons though, and this is a big one. You shouldn't have to hide this from your mom, but if she's going to threaten your living situation and/or education because of it, it's probably the best option you have right now, and I'm sorry about that. Do you have a sense of why she was so freaked out? She's your mom, so she loves you, and she thinks she's protecting you from making a bad decision. So why does she think it's a bad decision? For example, if she's worried about genetic issues with her future grandkids, you could show her the science that the increased risk of birth defects is extremely small. It doesn't matter if you think you'll want kids or not, since it's just about her fears at this point. Like I said, my dad wasn't thrilled when I told him, but over time, he saw how happy I was, and how great we were together, and I talked to him about the reality of the genetic risks to his grandkids and explained that we were consulting doctors and being responsible about it. By the time we got married, about a year and a half after we got together, he was completely over his initial hesitations. I think most parents do, because in the end, what they want is to see is that their kid is having a good life. I bet your mom will too, but as long as you're financially dependent on her, that complicates things. She thinks she still gets to direct part of your future, and it sounds like she's ready to use whatever leverage she has to do it. She's put you in a bind, and while her intentions are probably good, it doesn't leave you with a lot of options. Good luck!
  5. 1 point
    Thanks for the advice everyone. I do worry about moving too slow, and I'm trying the best I can to get over the idea to her that I'm in love with her without having to say it. UPDATE: I have told her that if we had met sooner in life, that she would have been my girl. She giggled and wondered what my dad, her uncle, would have said, and I told her I wouldn't have cared. A few weeks later, some friends of ours married and they were in fact, second cousins. She didn't blink an eye at their union, and I used this as an excuse to explain to her that many famous people ended up marrying their cousins. A couple of days after the wedding, we talked about it some more, and she herself said "Well, it would have been like if you and I had hooked up...", which I took as a good sign because if the thought wouldn't had been on her mind, she never would have said anything. Also, the casual way which she mentioned it gave me some encouragement. She told me she had always wanted a puppy when she was a girl, so for the Easter weekend, I took her puppy shopping and let her pick out a dog she wanted. $700 later, with an extra $100 for puppy supplies, she now has the dog she always wanted and is totally in love with it. When I come over to her place, which is often now as she texts me invites, I help her clean. I move her couches and sweep as she focuses on picking up and putting away laundry. Some loser friend was giving her a hard time over on Facebook and made her upset, so I went the Chuck Norris route. I found the guy, and gave him a black eye. She was impressed. She said she never had anyone who fought or stood up for her. Finally, a friend of ours told me that she was talking about me, and she said that "I changed her life in ways I don't even know.", and that she does love and care about me. Not sure about the context, but none the less, still something to be pleased with. This is where we stand right now. My big goal is to kiss her on the lips. I have a feeling when that happens, the dam gates are going to burst and we'll either rise with our emotions or be sunk. I'll be back with updates as they happen.
  6. 1 point
  7. 1 point
    Thank you for the suggestion MissPrice. I'm going for it...I don't know how ny life is going to change after this but I have to do this. Thank you all for your suggestions. The day after tomorrow I'm going to tell her how I feel about her. I'm teaching her how to ride a bike where we get a lot of alone time.. Where I have to create some nice situation to tell her. I hope this is going to work out. Tell me if guys have any other suggestions and I'll let you know what her reaction was. Thank you
  8. 1 point
    Unfortunately, the only way to know is to approach her. No reward without risk. I can tell you that when I told my cousin, I didn't think he would return my feelings. I only told him because we were very close and talked about everything else, and I couldn't stand not telling him anymore. Now we are married, and I'm happier with him than I've ever been with anyone. It's a scary thing to do, to make yourself emotionally vulnerable like that. The question is, if you don't say something, how will you feel? If she goes off with someone else and you never said anything, is that better or worse than taking the chance that she'll reject you?
  9. 1 point
    Ah, I see you did make a separate post here. The standard advice offered on these forums - which seems good to me - is to say something like "if you weren't my cousin, I would like to date you", which gives you the option of backing off if she doesn't respond well. How do you think your family would respond if you two dated? Is it considered taboo for second cousins to date in the area of India you live in?
  10. 1 point
    Edward, you might want to make a separate topic and share some more details, such as you and your cousin's ages, the country/region you live in, whether you are both single, whether you are both financially independent from your parents, etc.
  11. 1 point
    Edward, First of all. take a deep breath and relax. We don't know of any place where second cousins are illegal. Secondly, give us a little more information: how old are you and your cousin and where do you live - just country or state is all we need. That information will help us give you the help you need. HUGS Nat
  12. 1 point
    Hi Pooch, Thanks for the reply What i meant be 7 or 8 is that. We are related by like our great great great great great great great grandma. Sorry for being confusing. Also we live in the UK and yep. Her and my parents are close pretty close. Yes she is super cute. I mean obviously i liked when she cut her hair and also i just told her that she looks very beautiful and cute with the hair and joked about how she cut her hair after i mentioned it and then she just sent a giggly text saying maybe i did it for someone special with some blushing emojis. Hope these answer the question.
  13. 1 point
    Yes it is a demanding program. I’m actually looking forward to being very busy. Thanks for the help Pooch. Hopefully, I’d return to CC in the future with good news, either we are together or not but good news nonetheless.
  14. 1 point
    I transferred all our pictures and videos from my phone to a drive and deleted the ones on my phone. I couldn’t part with them but at least its not readily accessible for me to see.
  15. 1 point
    True. I might go somewhere when I can budget it in. I’m also planning to take up residency in the hospital by the end of the year when it opens. That will keep me very busy for the next 3yrs. He has a good job in healthcare too. I just did. I unfriended him on facebook, unfollowed in instagram and deleted his number.
  16. 1 point
    1. No she won't. This thought is only on your head. If a girl finds you attractive, then she finds you attractive. The age factor will come in later but since the ball is already rolling, then it's not going to be a big issue. And besides, it's not like you're gonna marry her tomorrow and have 3 kids the next year, eh?! You are just asking whether she has a boyfriend or not! And if you hit on her, then own it in your most subtle way. I'm thinking along the lines of, say she tells you explicitly (or though like) "Are you hitting on me!???" Then have the attitude, by implication, to have the posture of "Yeah.. I am hitting on you. Now, girl whatcha gonna do!?" Boom! There ya go.. Know what I'm sayin? Although you lead the thing, you pass the ball to her to respond. You got nothing to lose... 2. If it doesn't work out, who would know!? Would her brother know? Would her parents know? Who would know? The only people who would know is you and her. It's not like she's gonna tell everybody, make an announcement or something and go like "Heeeey everyone! ESSEX is hitting on me!" blah blah blah... There is no possibility that that will happen. lol. So you know... If it does not work out, in other words if she rejects you, then it's going to be between you and her. Now eventually though, some people would know. But then those are still on the long run and besides, it's easy to deny those...so no harm done. 3. The direct approach will work because it will "shock" her. Make sure though that you have the right timing. Now I wouldn't know that --- you know when is the best time. I suggest doing it when it's only between the two of you. Maybe when you guys are together in the car or when you guys do errands together or something.. But do it when private and not many people around. The shyness won't be a factor especially if you asked if she already has a boyfriend or not. Make her comfortable....and not accusatory. Ask in a soft but stern way, "Have you been seeing some guys?" or something along those lines.. Basically you want to know her status..her love life.. Or maybe ask her "Are you open for marriage?!" Then follow it up with, "Just kidding." LOL. Make it playful, fun and make her laugh....like how you were attracted to her 5 years ago. By the way, is she working right now? Like in McDonalds or something? If she has a part-time job, then that means she has work experience and have been dealing with people already.. So she may not be THAT shy as you have described. 4. What do you mean spotlights? You are not going to court her ora-mismo, my friend... you know? I'm not saying that you go too strong.. What I'm saying is be direct. Say for example, it came upon your conversation with each other that you guys are talking about how your parents got married or how your parents courted one another... or probably you guys are talking about your friend's boyfriend or girlfriend... anything related to boy-girl-relationships, aight? Then that's the time you drop the bomb: a direct question that will show that you are a guy and that she is a girl. Know what I'm saying? Don't think too much my friend! Don't analyze things... See what works.. When do you think you guys are going to see each other? Pooch
  17. 1 point
    As I read through this, the thing that stuck in my mind is his question, "are you sure you're okay with this" (or something like that - sorry, too lazy to scroll back up! LOL). I don't remember seeing anything explicitly stating that you're BOTH single. Is that the case? Are there any kids involved for either of you? If he's asking that, I suspect he's gauging to see if he can move this to the next level, which would probably be a lot more intimate, or at least as intimate as two people can be over remote distance. The Internet has certainly closed some of those gaps with things like Skype, FaceTime, SnapChat, WhatsApp, and the like. My only advice, if that is the case, is to be very careful with what you share of yourself and how. If you both have strong romantic feelings toward one another, I'd say continue exploring this through friendship. Develop a strong friendship and get to know one another much more deeply. What motivates each of you in life? What are each of your life's dreams and goals? How do you see things in terms of world view (politics and religion)? On what points do you agree and disagree? These things seem small and insignificant when two people are in that initial stage that feels like "in love" but they balloon into "irreconcilable differences" when not resolved early on. Distance is negotiable. One, the other, or even both of you may at some point decide that a relationship and life together trumps whatever you have that's keeping you in your current location doing whatever you're currently doing. But before you get to that point, exercise great patience and get to know one another on levels beyond what you presently think possible. Win, lose, or draw, in ten or twenty years from now, you'll be glad you did. Best wishes and God bless, CM
  18. 1 point
    for the record, i see no reason why you could never be with him publicly. i've been married to my first cousin once removed for 19 years. and in your circumstances, apparently at least one family member that noticed the connection between you two has no problem with it.
  19. 1 point
    Of course there's none.... But don't be too serious my friend Romalee. lol! Howerver, our new forumer here seems like she's enjoying the high of his charm though... Let her ride the roller coaster. Remember when we were young and we first rode the roller coaster? We went "Weeeeeeeee!!!" Pooch We'll deal with the heartaches and the cryings later on. lol
  20. 1 point
    LadyC was so much more calm than I was when I first read this. I'll have to give her major kudos for having much wisdom to see this through the right eyes. Okay, Ku, here goes: She's right. Sex is not a sport and if you treat it like one, you'll eventually have major regrets... and the ladies who play it with you will have even bigger regrets that none of you can see right now. Now, that aside, let's just suppose that my moral judgment on the matter didn't actually exist or have any basis in reality. Even so, as LadyC point out, sex with your cousin, whether for casual fun or as part of a serious relationship should be entered into with a lot more consideration than anyone else. A girlfriend, "hookup", fling, or whatever can be here today, gone tomorrow, and if you can both pretend there is nothing left over afterward (and if no children come to remind you) - well, that's all well and good and you can just pretend you never met. Not so with a cousin. She'll be part of your life until one of you is dead (and then some). There's just no way around that. Ten years later, you're both married and have kids and it's time for the larger family to get together for a holiday, funeral, or wedding. Guess what? You're both going to be there (or avoiding it because the other might be there) and you'll have to look each other in the eyes and know. Your future wife will know or may find out. Awkward. Trust? Nope. She won't have you spending a minute alone together and with good reason. Just. Don't.
  21. 1 point
    do you really want honest opinions? because most people really don't. but here it is, i'll give it to you straight. you should slow way, way down. you're 16 years old (or close to it) for crying out loud! all those raging hormones that you're feeling are going to drive you (or her) straight to heartbreak ridge. it's virtually impossible at your ages to have a sexual relationship without it getting all tangled up in a web of emotion. sex isn't a sport, and having sex with a cousin is nothing you should take lightly. don't you think she deserves better than to be your playmate?
  22. 1 point
    This video was originally done for 20/20, although the segment has been passed around and included on several other programs owned by ABC television. It features me and mark renewing our vows in vegas, and the wagoners, who were once active members here. it's a brief segment, and includes robin bennett, former president of the NSGC and co-author (with Alan Bittles) of a study on consanguinity that appeared in JAMA. And I have to say, John Stossel, the host of the show, was absolutely wonderful. we spent a lot of time with him, and he even had pizza delivered to the studio where we chatted about non-cousin stuff with him over lunch. it was sad that the entire thing was whittled down to 7 minutes. there was a whole lot more footage that went into it.
  23. 1 point
    four years ago was a lifetime in terms of your maturity (and his). the uproar it caused back then may be something that barely gets an eyebrow raised now.
  24. 1 point
    With her being in a relationship, she may not want to be that close with you, even through texting. Her attention is probably focused on her present interest. Don't take it wrong, just be in there if she needs you. She knows how you feel/felt and may not want to unintentionally lead you to think there may be more in store for a relationship with you. She may never be in the place that she feels she could return any romantic feelings. Are you prepared for the event that you may never be that close again? Best wishes on your journey.
  25. 1 point
    This is a difficult subject for me to answer without all up in arms because it gets me a little angry, to be honest. Everywhere you have the gay pride flag waving around...and gay marriage, to my knowledge, has never been legal in US history until a few years ago for everywhere. You have pedophilia that's trying to gain acceptance and there are people/groups that will actually defend pedophilia, saying Pedophiles are just like the LGBT in wanting to love who they love...*eyeroll* Then you have cousins....cousin couples were actually in the bible! Unlike Pedophilia....it's not sexually exploiting and taking advantage of children.....yet it's still looked at as disgusting and vile? Pedophilia's still looked at as disgusting and vile...and it's still against the law, which it always was and always should be. Polygamy and open relationships are celebrated. These are different groups trying to fight for the right and privilege to love and be accepted for who they love(Pedophilia never will, it just can't fly) Why can't that be cousin couples again? At one point in history, it was legal all over the US....but at some point down the line, states started making it illegal...I guess out of concern for how future generations would turn out. It just irks me though....why are is the LGBT being made legal and...well, I don't know what to say about pedophilia....and cousin couples are still looked at by the social circle, the media and legally as 'ick'? To me, this is so unfair....I have trouble comprehending it. So, to answer your question KC...I don't think so. For some reason, the western culture still considers this taboo and seem like they don't even want to acknowledge it or treat it like any other issue. It has to be hush hush and kept under the rug like it's something to be ashamed of.