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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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  1. 4 points
    wow. ok, first let me ask that (for the sake of those trying to read your post) you go in and add a few more periods here and there. it's not terribly difficult to read, but some of us wise old owls stumble a bit with run-on sentences i'm glad you and your boyfriend haven't had sex. think about this for a sec... in the beginning you probably felt that he was the love of your life. but less than a year later, the two of you are drifting apart. (not to mention that he's a 'bad boy', which probably was part of what drew you to him in the first place... no, i'm not criticizing... it's totally normal! i don't know why but it seems to be natural instinct for us women to be attracted to the bad-boy-persona.) he cheated on you multiple times, he's got some sort of criminal background since he's on probation, you don't get to see him much, and now you're falling for someone new. aren't you glad you didn't give such a precious part of yourself away to someone who was just temporary in your life? now, what to do about him. girl, i know it's hard, but you need to let him know that you don't want to be with him anymore. it won't be the end of his world. in less than a year, you know of three times he's cheated. he's probably STILL cheating, especially since you don't see him often these days. out of sight, out of mind. but you do need to be fair and let him know that you are moving on. as for your cousin, please take things slow. you have a lifetime ahead of you. if you two are right for each other, then taking it slow will make the relationship much stronger than if you jump in too soon. plus, you're still living at home... and taking it slow will also be to your benefit when you (someday) tell your mother. the longer you two have been together the far more likely she'll take it seriously and not freak out.
  2. 4 points
    This is a post I've been meaning to write for a while, because I see so many people struggling with their feelings, and with how the world will/is responding. And I too struggled for years, and thought the idea of being with my cousin was impossible, and thought that if we were together, if by some chance he felt about me the way I felt about him, things would be impossibly hard. We've been married for about two months now. At the very least, members of our family(ies) accept us, and some of them are very happy we're together. Our friends all know and accept us. We are very lucky, and our world is not going to be what everyone gets, but I've learned that there are some advantages to cousin relationships that most relationships don't have, and I want to share that, because I think a lot of you don't know that, and are scared and confused, and I want you to know that not only are cousin relationships NOT impossible, but there are some things that make them special. So, for one thing. If/when your family accepts your relationship, here's a big plus: you are both invested in the same people. When our mutual grandmother (she just turned 87 and lives by herself) needs help, we are both right there to do everything we can. If one of us is more available than the other, that person spends the night at her house. If she's not feeding herself right, we both remind her of that, and if one of us decides to buy her nutritional supplements out of our grocery fund, the other one is happy about that. This is our family. We take care of them, and we both know why, and we both agree on that. Related, if there is a disagreement in the family, we send in the one of us who is best positioned to handle it. So, my husband/cousin's mother's husband (no relation to either of us) emailed the family saying he thought we should all come together and force our grandmother (again, no relation of his) into assisted living. And we talked about how to respond, and in that case my husband/cousin handled it beautifully. And I'm the one who calls our grandmother at least once a week, and tells her we both love her, and checks in on how she's doing, because I'm better on the phone. All of the above is about family, which is really important. But the personal is even more important. My husband/cousin and I saw each other a couple of times a year when we were kids. We didn't see each other for about ten years from adolescence to adulthood. After that, we saw each other again about twice a year, until I moved close to him and things got complicated. But at that point, I already knew him. I'd known him my whole life. We always talked freely about our relationships to each other. I watched him be a father to another woman's three girls, who weren't his, until she made it impossible for him. I knew what he would be like in a relationship before I was ever with him. I knew his strengths, and his flaws, just as he knew mine. And I knew that his strengths were exactly what I needed, and I knew that I complimented his flaws. I walked into this relationship knowing exactly what I was walking into, and loving him for who he is. To me, that's the most powerful potential about a cousin relationship. That you can know the other person, so well, on other terms, before you become romantically involved or commit to them. That's not something most people get to have. Anyone who reads this and is struck by it, or anyone who is struggling with the possibility of a cousin relationship, please feel free to respond here, or to message me directly. And for those of you who are in happy cousin relationships: anything to add?
  3. 3 points
    I have been with my first cousin for 33 years and we are still very much in love, there is a bond between us that can never be broken. No matter what anyone has ever said or whispered about us we don't care, God has put us together and we have a very happy and rewarding life. Love knows no bounds! Eric
  4. 3 points
    Fourth Cousin? I don't even KNOW any of my fourth cousins!! There is NO prohibition against fourth cousins that I've ever heard of. You are being abused by a bunch of bullies. Don't let them control your lives. I'd tell them to take a long walk off a short pier and mind their own business. I recommend a book that helps you deal positively with bullies: NASTY PEOPLE: HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter. Welcome to our group. We are here to give you support and encourage you. HUGS Nat
  5. 3 points
    This whole thing is creepy. Either make a move or don't. So, she hasn't returned any of your advances and is ignoring your texts. Do you really need someone to tell you that she's not interested? And in the future, try to be more of a gentleman. You may find women more receptive to you if you do.
  6. 2 points
    Walk away. Run away. Don't come near her. Don't be alone with her. Don't call or text or chat on social media. Block her phone number. Delete her phone number. Unfriend her on FB. Snapchat, and Twitter. Be mature and just don't.
  7. 2 points
    you're telling the founding member and administrator to pinch himself and go away? LOL, maybe that's what you should do, allison. he's right. you're delusional. that's the reality. what on EARTH made you think we'd be like-minded people? do you think all people who love a cousin must therefore be polygamous? newsflash... bigamy is still illegal all across this country. he can't marry you. not legally. so if marriage is what you want, you can't proceed. if you want like-minded people, go find a polyamory site. if you want honest, realistic advice that is based on WISDOM (that pesky little thing you have mistaken for judgmentalism), stick around. but what you appear to really want is for others to say it's a free world, and love is free, sex is free, and whatever you want to do is a-ok. well listen up cupcake, we're not in the business of handing out participation trophies. we're here to help people who WANT help. we aren't a group that is politically correct. we're a group that is just correct. period.
  8. 2 points
    Allison We are a forum that believes in monogamy. So, accept that reality. Listen, your biggest problem is not the cousin factor; your biggest problem is the other woman in his life factor. You will never be first in his life. His wife is hesitant about bringing you into the relationship, not because you are his cousin, but because you are another woman! The family connection, as you called it, is her excuse for the hesitancy. You say you want to live for yourself; I get that and have made strides in that direction myself. This relationship, however, is not the key to living for yourself. Initially the sex will be great and you will feel blissful, but I guarantee that long-term, you will find yourself unhappy and resentful.
  9. 2 points
    Run, run, as fast as you can. He got another girl pregnant while sleeping with you also. He will continue to break your heart if you continue to pursue him.
  10. 2 points
    i also wouldn't let what she said bother you too much. she really is displaying ignorance. people fear what social media hasn't yet approved of. there is nothing wrong with your marriage. how old are your children anyway? if they are still very young, don't waste any time. if they grow up with the knowledge that you and their dad are second cousins, it won't be a big deal to them down the road. depending on their age i can recommend some children's books or classic literature (made into movies) that will help break the ice.
  11. 2 points
    And as a inspired journalist that's willing to go to the Navy and be a Navy journalist. I want to be out in the open saying that there's nothing wrong with it. Now I know that I'm not the only one who probably did it. And I know this others that are doing it. But I want to be part of that group. And I don't want to disrespect any other person and not acknowledge that they do it. I'm just saying that I also want to do it. So Count Me In. But anyway I really do want to thank any other reviewer that look at my story. It's very personal to me. And I appreciate any advice you have for me. I'm glad to be with the CC community
  12. 2 points
    Glory! No more guests! They can read the board but not participate. There is now some kind of express registration process. I haven't had time to check out all of the new features yet. I also disabled attachments for my own safety. Who knows when a perv will upload some sickening garbage. I would hate to be responsible for it. Actually I do not know what's what. I need to create a regular member's account and check it out. As an admin, I can do anything.
  13. 2 points
    ITGeek, I know you don't want to push her. But, you have to at least try. It's been a long time since I was real active on here, so the several threads that could be pieced together telling my story are long gone to updates of the site. Even the CliffNotes version is windy. But, I'll try to not get too carried away. I have a cousin who I'm very fond of to say the least. The feeling is mutual. We love each other very much, and have always been favorite cousins. We are actually second cousins. We were born one week to the day apart, me being the elder. We'll be 55 this summer. When we were 20, we had a similar "moment", but it only lasted a couple weeks, and she got scared. Sound familiar? And, at the time, only her Mom, and her best friend and her husband, a good friend of mine, knew anything was going on. My Mom found out immediately afterwards, when Cuz got scared and we backed off. Our Moms, first cousins, would have been fine with it. Her Dad would have been fine with it, and my Dad wouldn't have minded either way. But, she had bought into the old taboos, and was worried about what some of her other friends might say, and what mine might say. I would have straightened my friends out in pretty short order. Some of her girlfriends though, lets just say they were some rough and tumble girls. She was the wallflower of the bunch. I would have told them to kiss it too, but, I could see it being a problem if some of them got smart with me. Plus, there was no internet as such, more less a site like this with so much good and accurate information. Anywho, she got scared, I didn't want to push her, and we let the whole thing be quite awkward for DECADES. Probably about 8 years ago now, I found this site, and eventually became involved. About 7 years ago, a few months after I joined, we got back in contact, had an occasion to speak candidly, and aired it all out. We're agreed that way too much water has passed beneath the bridge to go back at this late date, to relive our youth. Plus, at the time, I was married, and she still has the same long term BF. We're also agreed we have no stomach for cheating with each other, and even though I'm divorced, I still won't cross the line with her. At any rate, the night we aired it all out, I already knew all the facts, having been here a while. I was telling her the laws, the actual relation, (she didn't get the whole 'once removed' thing either, and thought we were THIRD cousins.....LOL) and the genetics, religious aspects.... the whole nine yards. On occasion, I would see her look at me funny, like she didn't believe me, or didn't believe I knew as much as I did. I always assumed she would be extremely upset if she knew I was here, but, I took a chance. I told her at one point to log on, and come here. So, she did, I showed her the info pages, and the conversation continued. It eventually got deep enough, I told her "Log back on, and go back to that site." She did, and I said "You're probably going to kill me, but, click on where it says 'Forum'. " She did. I had posted recently, so, I said "See where it says 'Hawk'?" She said "Yyyyeeeaaaahhhh....." I said "That's me......" I then told her how I found this place, and had been intrigued, and seeing as how our little moment hadn't turned out like I would have had it, I stuck around to advise other young members on how to not make some of the same mistakes, and general mistakes I'd/we'd made. I told her what my "broken record speech to young members was." She didn't say a word, but got misty eyed, and nodded quietly. (I had always known she would agree with what I was advising) So, we aired it all out, are still in some contact, and face time is nowhere near as awkward as it was for all those years. In fact, I'll probably see her this weekend, and may spend the night up there, since she's about 3 hours or so away from home now for work. Not sure, we just talked briefly. We'll see. I would say we'll at least get together for an adult beverage or two. All that said, I was not able to convince her to join and give me a hand with the advice. She's a very private person, with no real inkling to do so, and that's fine, I still don't push her. BUT, I CAN assure you that she would have a nice long talk with your cousin if she could. Y'all being in your 40's, and, (I'll assume) both available, I have no doubt what she would say. She would tell her that if she has a chance to be happy with you, she'd damn well better take it. Life is very short. I was maybe a little older than you when I showed up here, and it seems like only yesterday, but it's getting closer to 8 years now. A lot has happened. For me, a lot has changed. Much of it came out of the blue at me last year. I WAS happy, but that all went away. I'm not as jaded as I was immediately after my divorce in 2013, but, I'm much more guarded with my heart. I won't let it be broken again. We have so few chances at happiness, I'd hate to see you two walk away from one. When the "what if's" come, and they will, you want to be sure you did everything you could have to convince her. You may not be able to convince her, but you'll know you tried, and didn't just let her walk. The stigma is still so strong in mine, that I'm not totally convinced if she was available, she'd go for it even now. BUT, I can assure you, YOU have MUCH more information now than I did in 1983, to at least TRY to convince her. She may not be able to wrap her head around it, but, if you don't put some effort into trying, I can guarantee she's gone. You may not want to push, and you can't BE pushy, but you'd best at least push the envelope. I won't tell you to beg, but it does behoove you to do everything you can to get her here to this site, and show her all the facts. Feel free to show her this thread, and the replies, including this one. This should, if at all possible, be done in person, quietly, with only the two of you there, where you can both speak candidly. It's time to test the waters. Don't be scared. When you think you're in over your head, put your foot down. You'll find it's not as deep as you thought it was.......js
  14. 2 points
    I will most definitely keep you both in my thoughts and prayers ❤ Sounds to me your family has a lot of growing up to do
  15. 2 points
    You will find nothing in the Bible against cousin relationships, God has blessed and encouraged those unions at least 6 times that I know of. If you are certain you are 4th cousins then you share about as much DNA as any unrelated couple and can as far as I know of marry anywhere you wish. You and your cousin are adults, your family gets no say in your relationship at all, did they ask you for permission when choosing their significant others? I know their judgment can be cruel but it is their problem not yours. Be with who makes you happy and if their verbal abuse continues cut them off, either they will come around or they won't but you do not deserve that type of treatment especially from family. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your relationship and in life ❤
  16. 2 points
    Sorry Lady C I jinxed the site lol 😜 If you care for her even in the slightest then hit a bar and try your luck there. Cousin relationships are already stigmatized and complicated enough, you shouldn't use anyone for sex especially family!!
  17. 2 points
    I will get back to you on this one very soon. Right now I am elbows deep and preparing a brisket for the smoker. I'm sure others will weigh in if they're available today also
  18. 2 points
    spare her the misery if you just want to get physical. at this age, i can promise you that there is more of a chance of a snowball fight in hell than of her wanting casual sex. if you think she may be wanting some type of relationship, then trust your instincts... the key word there is relationship. if that's not something that is first and foremost in your mind as well, then pass on by.
  19. 2 points
    Jack001, quarter here has read my mind. It's an example of what we rednecks call "Uncle's Brother's Sister's Kids and them...." LOL It sounds as though, (unless your uncle's wife is actually a cousin of him and your Dad) that there is NO blood relation, and legally, anywhere in the world, you would be able to pursue this......
  20. 2 points
    I get that this is rough right now but the two people you are being snippy with are administrators. Lady C has been married to her 1c1r for I believe longer than you've been alive, same with Colorado married, though I believe he's married to his first cousin. Humor can be helpful to some by taking their mind off the situation for a bit, she was being playful not rude 😟 All that being said, this is a vast group, you may very well get advise you really don't like or possibly people who just jump in with out addressing what you've wrote at all, try not to get to worked up about it. Not pursuing anything right now is probably the best bet in my opinion. As Colorado said and I pointed out in two of my responses, this isn't just any relationship. I started mine with my cousin when I was 24 and though I didn't get much "backlash" I still got ear fulls of people thinking they knew what's best for my life, which again like Colorado said is a lot harder to deal with when you're a teen. Hope you guys will still be great friends and who knows maybe some day something may happen.
  21. 2 points
    Oh my goodness. I wasn't on a tangent, and I wasn't strawmanning anything. Where is your sense of humor? I was just responding in that silly kind of way that you do when you get overtired. It was late. I think I even said in my post that I wasn't really trying to be helpful in that one. Nor was I being condescending to you. I was just being silly. And no you didn't say anything about us old farts. I was stereotyping US! If I was being condescending at all, it was towards MY generation, because I was being... You got it... Silly. try not to be so sensitive! Oh, and I didn't say damn hormones. I said nasty hormones. Not that I've never said a cuss word, I just try to set a decent example by keeping my language clean most of the time. Gosh didn't you even get a kick out of the story I told you about my daughters ex-boyfriend? I thought that would at least get a chuckle. 😕 For the record, here's one thing I got out of what you wrote. You're a talented and gifted writer. Not saying that you're writing fiction, so don't get your knickers in a knot. I'm just saying you have a very good way with words. Most 15 year olds that come here can't spell a word or form a complete sentence because all they know is text shorthand. You have received a lot of good advice from some very wise people. I'm sorry that you couldn't see the humor in what I wrote last night. I wasn't in an advice giving kind of mood. Still not. It's rare, even if there is no way you could know that, so I'll just say goodbye and see myself out of your thread. 💃
  22. 2 points
    That's cute. To say LadyC was "strawmanning" is to assume she was arguing in the first place; she was not. No one can possibly tell you what another person may or may not feel for you except that person but given your story, I'd say she does quite fancy you in at least one way. Having been 15 for about a year of my life (though admittedly many years ago), I'll just reiterate what every other person of age and relative wisdom has- yeah, it's hormones as the greatest driver. Whether not you agree with that is irrelevant; the tendency of the age is to disagree with that. It's a lot harder to understand the situation you're smack inside of. Finally, to the point of problems you may or may not be seeing, I'll grant this: relationships of our youth tend to be very rocky and short-lived. They feel like blessed eternity while we're going through them but then end rather suddenly. Its just the reality of "teen romance", or what my grandmother called "puppy love". With that in mind and fully understanding that relationships tend to go sexual a lot faster now than, say, 30 years ago, understand that such a relationship going south with a cousin in your teens can forever change your family dynamic. Even if everything is kittens and roses, at 15 (and 16 and 17) your parents and her parents get a veto vote on everything you do, including dating. If any find out and disagree (and at least one is bound to), all hell can break loose in the family, creating drama that lasts years and spreads into places where uncles and aunts and cousins you didn't even know exist will come out from under the woodwork just to tell you (and her) how wrong you are and often using most colorful language to do so. Just a heads up that you may want to prepare for.
  23. 2 points
    hawk is a very wise person. 12 is also too young! ahhh, those nasty hormones. they always interfere with common sense! and haha, of COURSE we know how a 15 year old works! LOL what cracks me up is how 15 year olds (and 25 year olds) always think that us old fogies don't know a darn thing about ______ (fill in the blank with nearly any topic you can think of). dude! we know! we know because we've survived it! and our children have survived it! and in some cases our grandchildren have survived it... although my grandchildren haven't started through that quite yet. one of them will in a year or two though! we also know that kids don't listen to us old farts. it's some crazy human nature that makes us all think that our own generation is the one to invent (or re-invent) the wheel. or to be more on target, to invent sex. LOL yeah, crazy, huh? that's ok, we thought the same thing about our parents generation. when i was your age, my parents were stupid and couldn't possibly understand diddly squat. here's a funny for ya. just because i'm in that kind of mood tonight. my oldest daughter was sneaking out her window and having sex at the age of 13. she eventually grew up and married him (it lasted almost a year before she divorced him). recently i ran into him. he has a 14 year old daughter who is becoming a little boy crazy. this guy was telling me how he wants to stand guard with a shotgun, because she's way too young for that. and my response was.... "SAYS THE GUY...." and then he got embarrassed and ducked his head and said oh yeah. i was that guy, wasn't i? YUP. moral of the story is that we all grow up and suddenly realize just how stupid we were when we were our kids age... and how right our parents were. i don't really have any advice tonight. it's late. my husband (who is my first cousin once removed) has already gone to sleep. i should go lay down next to him and play with games on my cell phone. why did i stay up again? oh yeah, because he's the old fart that has to get up before dawn to go to work, and i'm the old fart that gets to sleep in until my grandsons wake up and start bouncing off the walls. everybody's working for the weekend.... (look it up on youtube. good song.)
  24. 2 points
    i drafted this years ago for others to use... edit it as you see fit. i'm stickying it so it doesn't get lost again. Dear Mom, I have something to tell you that is very important to me, but am having a difficult time knowing how to bring the subject up. I decided that writing it in a letter might make it easier. I have fallen in love with the most wonderful person. We share an incredible relationship. We know each other's every thought. We respect each other, understand each other, and give each other unconditional love and support. I have never felt so comfortable in a relationship before. I feel completely at ease with this person, without having to try and pretend to be someone or something which I am not. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is the person I want to share my life with. Our choice, however, may be seen as somewhat controversial. In fact, even we struggled with our feelings, knowing we would face opposition. You see, the person whom I've fallen in love with is my cousin. But rather than deny ourselves the chance at happiness, we decided to pursue our relationship very slowly, and with a great deal of caution. It is important to me that you know we seriously considered all aspects of a relationship such as ours after doing a great deal of research on the subject. It is also very important to me that you research the issue of cousin marriage also, before you draw any conclusions. What we've discovered in our research is that marriage between two cousins is not nearly as uncommon as people would think. We've also learned that we had preconceived notions about cousin marriage that we have learned from society, but which have no basis of truth. We have learned that cousin marriage is fully supported by the Bible, as well as almost every other world-religion. We've learned that the risk of genetic defects is only very slightly higher than any other couple, and in fact much lower than many other couples based on lifestyle choices. We've also learned that genetic counseling is something to be strongly considered if we decide to expand our family in the future. We've looked into exactly what genetic counseling can and can not do, and are confident that a qualified expert could determine if we are at a higher risk. We've learned that cousin marriage is legal throughout the majority of the world, including much of the United States. We've even discovered that until about 150 years ago, cousin marriages were common, and much more accepted by society than they are today. One of the most important things we have learned is that we are not alone. An average of one out of every 1000 marriages are between two first cousins, and many more relationships occur between cousins that choose not to marry. We are both fully aware that marriage is a serious commitment, and that such commitments are not always easy. A strong marriage takes alot of work. There will always be obstacles to overcome, and we realize that social prejudice is adding one more hurdle for us. But we also believe that those who love us will be supportive of our decision once they, too, have looked into the issue and separated fact from myth. I love you. We both do. Your acceptance and your blessing are very important to us, but are not required. We are both old enough, mature enough and wise enough to know that true love is something to celebrated, never wasted. With or without your support, we intend to pursue this relationship. I will always value your feelings and respect your opinions, but this is a choice that only we can make. I hope that this letter brings you joy and not despair. If you are disappointed, I am asking you to look at a couple of websites which provide an enormous amount of information which is thoroughly researched and documents the sources of the information. Those websites are www.cuddleinternational.org and www.cousincouples.com. All my love,
  25. 2 points
    I on the other hand have to disagree with Sophia. No hard feelings intended. My take on the situation is that you make yourself available as a friend. An ear to listen if she needs it . Since she has just experienced a broken engagement, regardless of who broke it, she may need time to get over it. And usually "rebound" relationships rarely end up being something long lasting, I feel you may gain more by the friendship route at this time. No need to profess your long love for her yet. Give her the time she needs and who knows what might happen. Best wishes on your journey.
  26. 2 points
    maybe you could start with something like 'if we weren't cousins, i think i'd kiss you' or 'like "hey, weird thing, i read that the catholic encyclopedia says that joseph and mary were cousins!' (or that benjamin bunny and flopsy were cousins... it says so on the first page of the beloved children's classic by beatrix potter) and see where the conversation leads ya. or rent a movie like mansfield park, a classic and fun romance between cousins by jane austen. or something a little more tragic, like how i live now. it's a beautiful but very sad wwII era love story between first cousins. keep in mind that 2nd cousins are not prohibited from even marrying, anywhere in the world. there is no reason to fear anything other than fear itself.
  27. 2 points
  28. 2 points
    Guest 1st Cousins: Some advice is more appropriate for young people than for adults. Your poor use of punctuation and your reference to a "tongue kiss" makes us believe that you are a teenager or younger. If English is not your 1st language, fine, we can accomodate. But when another member tries to gain more information for you in order to give you the most beneficial advice, your response should be gratitude and not defensiveness. If you want the best advice, give more information about yourself. Age, cultural differences and religious beliefs are sometimes important factors. If you don't want the best advice, then go elsewhere. But I guarantee you will not find more caring, compassionate and even wise members anywhere else. And stop changing your User Name.
  29. 2 points
    Even with the poor punctuation, I don't need to go past your first paragraph: You're 13. He's 28. Once again, YOU'RE 13. HE'S 28. If you have been struggling with depression since you were 11 years old, it's time for you to go to the doctor. Immediately. There are all kinds of causes of depression; both environment and biology can have a major influence on our mental health. This is nothing to ignore!! You are 13, so hormones are in an uproar for you right now and the difference between infatuation and love can become blurred. I won't dismiss your feelings for him, but I won't encourage them either. At any age, a 15 year age difference is a big one. When you are as young as you are, it's astromically big. My advice: Get to a doctor to have your depression treated then go about the business of being 13. Study hard so you can get into college, join a club or two at school, get a part-time job, be involved with your church youth group, learn to dance or play an instrument..... fill up your time with being a teenager and stay away from this 28 year old man. And yes, that means blocking his cell phone number, unfriending him from social media and not going out of your way to maintain a relationship with him. This may seem impossible to do, but it's not. It will hurt you for a little while, but the more you are involved in school, community and friends that are appropriate for a young lady of 13, the easier it will get. IF when you're 18 you still get butterflies when you're around him, come back to this site and we will help you through. For now, keep your distance and enjoy being 13!
  30. 2 points
    You don't say a word to him. You're 14 and he's 20. And he's about to be married. And BTW, it was most inappropriate for him to give even a hint of attraction toward you. Wait 4 years and if you still have feelings for him and he is not married, come back here and we will steer you in the right direction.
  31. 2 points
    Tell her, "If we were not cousins ..." and see how she responds!
  32. 2 points
    Do you ever get over the feeling of being "in love"? Yes; I had girlfriends I thought I was "in love" with but that faded away completely. Do you ever get over truly loving someone? I doubt it; at least I sure haven't, and it's been 50 years (We're both nearly 70). I keep thinking I'm over her, then I see her (weddings and funerals); I visit her Dad (my uncle) in the nursing home, and once again I'm "a goner." Almost everything I've ever accomplished in my career was done in an effort to show her that I was worthy of her, even though it never worked. (When in my 40s I took the first, and maybe only, step in healing:acknowledging that I didn't have to prove anything to her, but only to myself.) Sometimes when we talk she still seems to genuinely care about/for me; but other times she's like a stranger. I send her a birthday card every year; sometimes she sends one to me but other times not. It kills me. An English poet named Thomas Carew said, "True love can never change his seat, / Nor did he ever love, that could retreat." I think he was spot on. My cousin and I have been married to other people since our college days, but my love for my cousin has never wavered. Do I think this is ideal? No; far from it. It would have been so much easier just to move on. I've tried SO hard, and repeatedly, and yet I end up in the same place, depressed and lonely in spite of a wife, children, grandchildren, and friends.
  33. 1 point
    Hi RRj, I can relate to everything you are saying. Everything will be OK, you are just going through a phase. I'm sorry that you are questioning your relationship because of your distant kinship. There is no need for it. It will go away. You are being silly. Hang in there. I married my 1st cousin. We just spent two years apart after 20 years of marriage. Wow that was tough, but I found out that I could be happy being single...after the first year. My mind was scrambled for the first year, like a TV on channel 3. We are back together again now. We have made fresh commitments to each other and hope to start another 20 year chapter. You have no idea how much hurt we are working through. But we are committed to fulfill the vows we made before God and will give it another go. Nobody said it would be easy, right? Things are not great yet. I am in a new city trying to find us a better place to live. I just had my first job interview today. Hmmm. I will say one thing that is amazing. Hey, I was indeed happy being alone but after being back with my wife for two months, I feel like I have my zen back. I can't explain it but it is a sweet feeling of peace that makes me smile for no reason. And when I do, the heavens open up and I can hear the angels singing. I didn't have that when I was alone. As LadyC pointed out, marriages take a commitment to each other and to God. You can't make it alone. Look at the stats. I am a Christian and only went back to my wife because I felt led to. It's as inexplicable as the peace I am feeling -- the Zen! Zen isn't a Christian term I know... but maybe we should adopt it. This Christian has Zen! I'm praying for you and wish you the best. You guys are so distantly related that it is silly to worry about it. Do not let it play in your mind like a broken record. Play some Rolling Stones I'm not proofreading or correcting anything......
  34. 1 point
    rrj, i'm so sorry you're having marital problems! YES! it is normal. this isn't because you two are related, it's because when two people commit their lives together, they will hit highs and lows. it happens! i'm also married to my first cousin once removed... have been since '99, so we're coming up on our 19th wedding anniversary on new year's day. we had a great first year of marriage... and then we hit a rough patch that just kept getting rougher for about ten years. seriously, there were times i just wanted to call it quits. it was a dark, dark time in my life. but i stayed because i had made a vow to stay with him through better or worse, and i took this one a little more seriously than i'd taken my first marriage. i didn't want to be divorced again. i didn't want to be single again. but boy, there were so many times when i questioned God as to why i had to stay married. i don't know if you believe in God or not, but He is the only thing that saved my marriage. it was really hard to put my trust in God to restore our relationship, because i was so full of anger and bitterness and pain. and my husband had so many issues that needed changing. i guess it took so long because i really thought all the changes needed to be on his end, and thought God was doing a crappy job of changing him. it took so long for me to realize i needed to just get out of God's way and quit trying to do His job of fixing my husband. and then i had to also trust Him to fix my husband no matter how those changes affected my life. that was the hardest thing of all. but once i finally got to that point, things changed pretty quickly. i know that sounds preachy, but that's my experience. and i can promise you things were quite bad before those changes. he was so disrespectful to me for so long, and would allow his friends to disrespect me. i just wanted him to stand up for me once in a while, but instead, he'd get mad when i'd finally stand up for myself. i even asked him once if he still loved me. his answer broke my heart... because he said no. but my commitment to honor the vow i made to both him and God when we married kept me there. it was hard. but God turned things around. really! and we have the marriage i always dreamed about now. i have a husband who loves and respects me, who stands up for me, who is my best friend! we do everything together. i can't picture my life without him. listen, i don't think i've ever met a couple who didn't have some troubled times in their marriage when they felt that the love was fading. that's just so normal. the honeymoon gives way to contentment... the contentment gives way to complacency... complacency leads to boredom and to stress, and then heads start turning. your head... his head... thoughts start wandering. kids start demanding attention, screaming, fighting... and if one or the other in the marriage didn't want to run away once in a while, that would be highly unusual. quit allowing the kinship to factor into your stress. there is absolutely nothing wrong with having married your first cousin once removed. there's nothing wrong with your children. there's only something wrong in the pea-brains of society that think everything is ok except cousin marriage. when you and your husband get some of these issues worked through and you feel confident in your marriage again, you need to make sure your children know (if you haven't told them already) about their family tree. they need to understand it from a very young age so that they never feel ashamed. and it's always the ones who were not told that feel ashamed when they find out. when that time comes, the old beatrix potter classic called the tale of the flopsy bunnies is always my first suggestion to introduce the subject. did you know benjamin bunny and flopsy were first cousins? yeah, who knew! but it says so right on the first page. it's a great way to get young children comfortable with the fact that their mommy and daddy are also cousins. as for what others might say, don't even let yourself go there. people are going to talk, whether you stay together or divorce. they're already talking. heck, they've been talking since the day you two started dating. just like they'd be talking if you'd married someone totally unrelated and were going through difficulties. people are natural born gossips. so accept that it's going to happen and stay above it all. ignore what you can, and refuse to associate with those who dare to criticize you (OR your husband) to your face. anyone who has anything negative to say about your marriage needs to be told to keep their opinions to themselves. but that also means you need to make sure you're not complaining to them about him, also. and that's hard, because everybody needs a sounding board! let US be your sounding board. because we're not going to take sides. we're going to be here to encourage you... as long as he's not being abusive to you or the kids, in which case we'd be having a whole different conversation. you can do this. if you're willing to give it a shot, the love you think you've lost for your husband can be rekindled. there's a famous actor, i really can't remember who for sure but i think it was mel gibson, or maybe patrick swayze, who once answered a question about the secret of a successful marriage in an interview. he said most people throw in the towel when the mountain seems too hard to climb anymore... but for those that stick it out and reach the top, they have the best view in the world... and that marriage from that point forward just gets sweeter and sweeter. i have climbed that mountain, and i can honestly say that was the most true thing i ever heard come out of hollywood.
  35. 1 point
    Kwento mo naman pag may time ka. Musta trip mo lately? Alam mo may naalala akong sabi ni Florante eh, "...O pag-ibig na makapangyarihan,kapag pumasok sa puso nino man.hahamakin ang lahat, masunod ka lamang..." F. Balagtas Pooch
  36. 1 point
    Preach.. you are 100% right that's why I've been saying to this person. Take her advice you are grown you are paying the bills here. I'm going to be blunt, be a man and take your woman. Take on what is yours and be happy. She will do the same. Eventually down the line they have to accept on who you are as a couple. Be happy for you not for them. You going to end up short if you weren't about what they feel about the relationship, it's about you
  37. 1 point
    Agreed, Betray me and we are done. If I really cared about a gal, she would know it. The passion I have for that person can move mountains. When a betrayal has happened... ,
  38. 1 point
    Hi KC, Sorry to hear about your health and your struggles to quit smoking. I said a prayer for you. May God heal you. Take Care Ambra
  39. 1 point
    ahhh, i knew people would weigh in with some encouraging words! they're right. there is nothing in the bible that discourages or prohibits even first cousins from marrying. plenty that does indicate it's ok though. isaac and rebecca were first cousins once removed. jacob was first cousin to leah and rachel. God instructed moses to tell zelophehad's five orphan daughters to marry their first cousins. realistically, by the time you are further distant than second cousins, you might share a family tree, but you don't share any common DNA beyond what any random, unrelated couple would share. people just have knee-jerk reactions to what they don't understand. i'm curious how many of those who are bashing you would say anything negative about a homosexual relationships. i suspect that if cousin marriage was as politically correct as supporting the lgbt community is these days, your family might embrace you with open arms. it's probably human nature to let society determine what we will find acceptable in and from our loved ones. i know it's hurtful. but God is your judge, they are not. stand your ground. chances are they'll come around after the initial shock wears off. if they don't, then just remember these few things... look them up and hold them close to your heart... isaiah 50:20 genesis 2:24 (echoed in eph. 5:31 and matthew 19:5) phillipians 4:13
  40. 1 point
    Hi there, I just have some questions before I post in length: 1. What ethnicity are you from? 2. Where do you currently live? Do you still live in your cousin's place? Or do you guys rent out somewhere else? If so, where? Is it far from her place or close by? To post in brief: It seems like you have a keeper! :D Homegirl/Wifey personality?! Priority type person?! Never goes out but studies and stuff? Man.. all men (not just you) like those. You gotta put a fence around her right away. lol. I'm just kidding.. Or maybe not. lol Girls in today's generation is so contrary to that, eh? They party outside, spoiled, go home at midnight, drunk, on their social media facebook instagram snapchat 24/7, have guys drooling on them left and right, displays sexuality early (while) young and uninhibited, flirty, aggressive, changes boyfriends very often like every week or something...you know what I mean. lol. No offense to girls who are like this: but it usually attracts the wrong kind of guys. lol So if you find the good qualities above, you have to put a fence around her first. lol Pooch
  41. 1 point
    Its really nice to see someone having cases like mine actually succeeded in marriage with their cousin. Unlike here at the Philippines where cousin marriage is still forbidden, and if we try to get married on other countries, once we go back here it will be nullified, plus immigration costs will be so much pain for us. But then I realized, it's God not the papers, We trusts God that he will shower us the blessings of victory, we're putting all our faith to him, Please pray for our success. Thank you hehe, from here now on, we're claiming our VIctory!
  42. 1 point
    i agree! and let me add this... in most romantic relationships, both the guy and the girl will put on a mask... trying to be what they think the other person wants them to be. eventually that facade breaks down and you are stuck with the real person that you might not have known existed. in cousin relationships, most times you know each other as cousins, as real people, warts and all, before you begin having any romantic feelings. there is no mask to uncover. you get what you see from the very beginning. that's a huge plus. and the family connection really can't be denied. when mark and i moved back to texas after a decade in las vegas, i had to (nearly immediately) go to florida for a few weeks while our grandson was born. mark was going through a really rough transition... things he had to overcome. quite frankly he was going through withdrawals. and then he failed a drug test which meant he didn't get the job that he'd been expecting to have when we moved back. and he was depressed and trying to find work, and i wasn't there. this is where our aunts stepped in. well, my aunts, his great aunts. my mom and three of her sisters were sharing an apartment and they rallied around him. they invited him over every day after his job search. they fed him meals. they gave him companionship. they gave him encouragement. they told him family stories he'd never heard before. they loved him unconditionally and never passed judgment on him, never criticized him, never made him feel bad. they were a HUGE part of his recovery, and i have no doubt that they were a big part in him being able to stay clean and sober for these last six years. and when, one by one each of them fell ill, he was right there with me, every step of the way. he didn't have to be. he'd barely known these ladies when he was growing up, because they were his father's aunts. but he'd become so close to them during that time when we'd moved back that he was very invested in their every need. my mother moved in with us and lived here with us for five years. mark would move heaven and earth for each of the aunts when they needed something done. if one needed to go to the hospital, he was there to take them. if one was frantically trying to hide in someone else's closet in the middle of the night at the nursing home she'd moved to, mark was dressed and ready to go help calm her and get her back to her own room, no matter what time of night, even when he had to work the next day. when my own mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, my husband took three days off from work just to be here with her and help her adjust to the fact that she was dying. and he would sit up with her well into the night. he would take care of her as best he could. (which reminds me, years 15 years earlier he'd taken such good care of my father in much the same way, always being there to help if he had fallen or if he'd lost control of his bodily functions.. he would be there to take care of the things i was too squeamish to deal with). so yeah, there are a lot of awesome benefits to being married to someone who shares the same family. and i know that a lot of people in non-cousin marriages have spouses who would go above and beyond like that too, but they're few and far between. and here's one other thing, totally on a different subject. there's always a lot of fear regarding things that might be inherited because of the kinship. but many of the wealthiest families in history, even in america, (including the DuPont family, whose empire produces things that we find in nearly every aspect of our daily life, including our clothing and our carpet and our cookware, and kevlar for our military and police, etc.) the Factor family (think Max Factor Cosmetics), the Rockefellers (still big in government today) all understood that cousin marriage could STRENGTHEN the family bloodline because of desirable traits that would be passed down. in those families back in the early days cousin marriages were preferred. because the patriarchs of the family understood that. of course it also served to keep the money in the family. animal breeders understand that same concept that the rockefellers and duponts and factors understood. that's why horses and dogs are often bred with what would be called a cousin if it were humans instead of animals. cousins are far enough distant that deliterious genetic conditions can be recognized and identified (and therefore the pairing of those two avoided), and also that POSITIVE genetic traits (strength, endurance, speed, etc) can be identified and therefore purposely pairing those two to produce offspring with those desired traits. and there's my two cents. now i'm going to sit down with the grandkids and watch a movie.
  43. 1 point
    Yep! I love the honesty. This post also sums up what my would be response to you. Pooch
  44. 1 point
    Sounds like you already know what you want to do: take some time to see if your feelings change. That sounds like a good idea, especially since you've only spent time with her in person twice. Giving it more time will probably also give you a better idea of her feelings for you. If your feelings for her continue to grow, and she seems to have feelings for you as well, then you can decide when/how you want to approach her. You may also want to do some research on how consanguineous relationships are regarded in the culture she lives in, as that will almost certainly influence her response.
  45. 1 point
    Well, according to my mom she already had her suspicions, my brother told me he saw us in another city!! sheesh, and his mom told him that she knew something was going on between us when I saw her last year, at the begining of the relationship, because i wouldn't see her. So, answering your question, we could say that it was never really a secret, just a denial from their part. But until we told them, it's been a year since we started and 10.5 months after we made it "official". Something like that. Other couples have waited years, so, it depends on each couple.
  46. 1 point
    If you go through with this: Yay! It'll have to make its way up the ladder before reaching the Supreme Court and like CC mentioned, will take a barrell full of money. Your lawyer will be able to advice you on the best course of action. If I may, Please don't broach the submit of genetic testing with anyone unless it's to vehemently oppose it. We don't make African American couples test for Sickle Cell or Jews test for Tay-Sachs, so why should we be subjected to genetic testing?
  47. 1 point
    It hurts seeing him with someone else. He has moved on again but this time it's for good. I guess I have forgiven him. He is my cousin we have known each other our whole lives and it's time I move on too. It's time I see him like I used too. Just a cousin I got along with well.
  48. 1 point
    NO! do NOT avoid it. and don't wait til they are older, either. if you raise them knowing you are cousins, it will not be a big deal to them. if you wait til they are older, when they find out they will feel like it is something to be ashamed of, because you were ashamed to tell them. the best way to introduce the subject is when they are toddlers. pick up a copy of beatrix potter's classic book "the tale of the flopsy bunnies". second paragraph: you read that part and say "hey, that's just like mommy and daddy!" as they get older, you introduce them to other classic novels. rose in bloom and the sequel 8 cousins by.... (natt?) louisa may alcott i think. and mansfield park by jane austin. no need to make a big deal of it at that time, but those are good classics, especially for any little girls you might have. mansfield park is a great movie, also. books/movies like that don't shy away from cousin romances. they will be very useful for helping your children grow up understanding the normalcy of cousin marriage.
  49. 1 point
    from where i am at the moment i would answer no. 7 months; lost 15 lbs then gained 30, severely depressed, anger spouts, enduring sadness, feelings of despair, thoughts of ending my life, immense heartache and sick stomach....please tell me this hell will eventually end. curious how some of you are fairing these days.
  50. 1 point
    I can only respond within the context of my own situation. Transcendent of time, distance, and life-altering events, my answer to your inquiry is no. Our feelings developed at the age of five and continually resurfaced each summer we were together, however sporadic. Fifteen years following our last encounter, we began communicating via Facebook. I initiated contact after discovering him, operating under the misapprehension that I was "safe" from any previous sentiments. I surmised that, as adults, we would have little to nothing in common, that nothing could possibly remain of those childhood/adolescent "fancies." How utterly and blessedly mistaken I was! Similar to all of those other instances, it was as though time had been suspended and we had never been apart. There we were, aged 32, madly in love again despite all. He is the only man I have ever adored--absolutely unforgettable and irreplaceable.
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