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  1. 3 points
    for the record, i see no reason why you could never be with him publicly. i've been married to my first cousin once removed for 19 years. and in your circumstances, apparently at least one family member that noticed the connection between you two has no problem with it.
  2. 2 points
    https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.popsci.com/amp/marrying-cousins-genetics Not sure if someone else has already shown you guys this, but good to see this info mainstream papers!
  3. 2 points
    he's right, ya know. if you do want to repair your relationship with your child's father, you absolutely can. it will take work, but it can be done. that's the other part of my story that i didn't share... mine and mark's marriage was definitely on the verge of collapse at one point. in fact, it was on the verge for several years. but we overcame it, and for the last six years, i've had the marriage of my dreams, with the man i made a commitment to 19 years ago. there's another book that i would recommend along with what CM suggested... the love dare. you can get the audio book free here: http://bit.ly/lovedareaudio (it's free with a 30 day trial to their audio service, but you can cancel and keep the book.)
  4. 2 points
    Well, this is what I get for reading too fast (skimming): I missed a lot of important details! Pooch, Romalee, and LadyC all picked up on this pretty quickly. Honestly, LadyC called it exactly what it is - an "emotional affair." So let's get to the root of what an affair is. First, this has nothing to do with the fact that he is your cousin. That fact only allowed the access and closeness for nature to take its course. You're a woman and he's a man and you have very specific needs that he was meeting. In this case, you need and crave the affection, the conversation, the apparent honesty and openness you share - all of this hits you in a place you just can't resist and you're head over heels. At that same time, he very likely finds you physically attractive, you admire certain things about him and presumably tell him so. Maybe you enjoy doing things together or have similar hobbies or like the same types of movies. If I'm right, it won't be long before he tries to persuade you to share some of those intimate moments online (FaceTime, SnapChat, etc.), because that will ultimately hit him in a similar place. Because of how he makes you feel, maybe you'll even agree - after all, you'd likely enjoy the rush of feelings. This is a death spiral for both of your current relationships or family situations and nothing good can possibly come of it. There are children involved and, though you're not married to the father of your daughter, you rightly see that you can't just up and leave where you are because you have roots there. He has children he likewise cannot uproot. Are your current relationships suffering? Yup. And they will continue to decay and rot and stink and fester until they eventually die if you don't turn the ship around. So, are your feelings normal? You bet! Normal and natural and very human. They're also destructive and wrong - not wrong because you're cousins but wrong because of the damage they'll cause and because their source isn't real (it's not that you love one another this way, but rather that you love the idea of what you wish your current relationships could and should be). The good news, now that I've rained all over everyone's parade, is that you CAN have a full restoration of your current relationship and have in that relationship exactly what you're experiencing in your affair. You really can! It will mean breaking off the affair, thanking one another for being there in a season of drought and doubt but understanding that you simply cannot continue any kind of private relationship going forward if you are to succeed in repairing your current one. I say this because you had a child with this man and he's still in your life. That usually happens because you actually were passionate for and about one another at some point. At some point, you called one another all of those cute names and used silly voices when you'd talk and all of that other mushy stuff couples do early on. You can repair that. If you're interested, I recommend a couple of books (or Audible books): 1) The Five Love Languages 2) His Needs, Her Needs Start with those and see where they lead. Best wishes and God bless, CM
  5. 2 points
    As I read through this, the thing that stuck in my mind is his question, "are you sure you're okay with this" (or something like that - sorry, too lazy to scroll back up! LOL). I don't remember seeing anything explicitly stating that you're BOTH single. Is that the case? Are there any kids involved for either of you? If he's asking that, I suspect he's gauging to see if he can move this to the next level, which would probably be a lot more intimate, or at least as intimate as two people can be over remote distance. The Internet has certainly closed some of those gaps with things like Skype, FaceTime, SnapChat, WhatsApp, and the like. My only advice, if that is the case, is to be very careful with what you share of yourself and how. If you both have strong romantic feelings toward one another, I'd say continue exploring this through friendship. Develop a strong friendship and get to know one another much more deeply. What motivates each of you in life? What are each of your life's dreams and goals? How do you see things in terms of world view (politics and religion)? On what points do you agree and disagree? These things seem small and insignificant when two people are in that initial stage that feels like "in love" but they balloon into "irreconcilable differences" when not resolved early on. Distance is negotiable. One, the other, or even both of you may at some point decide that a relationship and life together trumps whatever you have that's keeping you in your current location doing whatever you're currently doing. But before you get to that point, exercise great patience and get to know one another on levels beyond what you presently think possible. Win, lose, or draw, in ten or twenty years from now, you'll be glad you did. Best wishes and God bless, CM
  6. 2 points
    Welcome to the site. First off you are not second cousins, but first cousins once removed. As opposed to Pooch, (no offense intended) I fail to see what his looks have to do with the relationship. But I do think he makes some valid observations otherwise. My personal opinion, and it is only mine, is there is just infatuation and maybe lust going on here. You neither one really KNOW the other, and four months is a very short time, being you are so far apart. Texting, talking etc. just doesn't make up for actually spending time in each others presence. I'm not saying that it isn't possible, but there are other considerations. If you want to proceed with cousin then it would be best to end it with boyfriend. You then start with a clean slate and it allows said boyfriend to have one also. If you and cousin really want to be together, there is always a way to work things out for being able to live in the same area. Otherwise, to me, this appears to be a FWB type of thing. OK, maybe I am wrong about the intentions of both sides, if I am, sorry I misunderstood. Best wishes as you work thorough this on your journey.
  7. 1 point
    Hi there WBT9802 Welcome to the forum. I hope you enjoy your stay here. I have read your post and honestly, this is the kind of posts I love to read... I was 18 and she was 15 when I fell in love. I have the same feeling with you in wanting to have physical touches with her (holding her hand and stuff) and at the same time resisting urges in me. She, on the other hand, is also curious about what's going on her body, in her environment, and all these feelings. You are a young couple like me and my cousin a decade or so ago... Oh, and we were caught too! We slept in the same room when I decided to sleep beside her and cuddle. Supposed to be I plan to that be just some brief time but I felt sooo comfortable and I fell asleep. And so in the morning, I was awoken by some words from the "adults" to put it mildly. Good times... Good times... Here's my response: I feel like you are a good guy. Really. You love her so much and she also feels the same. And believe me, you got her. You got her already. You got her heart. It's yours, she's yours, my brother. You. Got. The. Girl. And pretty much just take care of her and everything will go well for you in the long run. Believe me. I don't believe in the "dating game" in today's society where you "collect and select" and go from date to date and people just give their hearts to many people like cookies. That's horrible. In my experience, it is 100 times better (if not the only way) is actually to know one person deeply...as far as you can go...since you cannot know a person all too well. I am with my cousin girlfriend for more than a decade now and I am still knowing something about her every single day...and she as well is still knowing something about me every day. The "mine" so to speak is inexhaustible. That's the good news. I will give you some bad news though. Well, not really bad....but sort of given what we have here. She's yours but not yet yours. Sounds contradictory but it's a fact. You guys are on the early stage... in my 'mine' analogy above, still on the 'entrance' of the mine. And I really do hope that you guys be together in the end. You know what I'm saying? The length of your post is also an indication that you really love this person. Oh, and feels good after writing your lengthy story and clicking that "post", eh? On to my advice: Slow down a little my friend. Yes, slow it down. When I read your post, I feel like you are ready to propose to her and give her an engagement ring already or something after a week! Know what I'm saying!? And I really believe that you do that -- coz you love her. And I bet she is incredibly beautiful...And you think that she deserves it. And yes, maybe she does -- but I do not know that. You know more than I do. Nonetheless, slow it down. If you are driving a car, I feel like you are in the fifth gear big time my friend... step away from the gas for a sec and cool it down. It's becoming way to hot. I remembered my situation with my cousin and everything also happened sooo freaking fast... But I was able to slow it down. Partly, the reason is that my family has to migrate to another country as well so that also helped. However, my point is both of you should slow it down. It is going way to fast. I am not saying go full stop, nor I even said step on the breaks....but "step away from the gas". Let her miss you...Let her miss you some more... Don't go pursuing her some more.. You got her already. She likes you. She is attracted to you.. And she have those feelings at 15 and I'm not sure if she loves you in a mature way at this time, but I do believe that she loves you. This love is real to her. But at the same time dude slow down a bit. Know what I'm saying? And because you are the man, you are the one who should control the steering wheel in your relationship. She does not know this coz she's just 15. But I believe that you know what you are doing ('...that would make my own parents in their 30 year marriage jealous' -- honestly this made me smile, chuckle, and cheerful) so you will take care of her and at the same time be able to provide for her. With that in mind, I suggest that you prepare yourself so you can provide for her. How is your studies? What are your long term plans with her? The separation anxiety you have must be fought. She will not run away -- believe me. She will not break up with you. You got her already. And I need to repeat this because it's gonna be good for the both of you. Oh and did I mention that I like that you are willing to wait!? Perfect. In the meantime, make sure that you go to a good school and a good job so you can 'snatch her' away from her parents (metaphorically). When my cousin and I had LDR, my last words with her when we were on the airport was "Make sure you study hard". I did not tell her to do anything else. Coz I know that I don't have to. I just want her to study hard because I will study hard. And I plan on us having a good future. And that I will have the respect from her parents. And that she will gain respect from my parents as well. And that we would be able to take care of our parents when they grow old. And that we will have a brighter future together, not being able to be "looked down upon" in whatever. And that they will see a cousin romance that blossommed out of love and not out of lust. And that I (we) will not fear about getting disowned by whoever...be it our family or our clan. And that we will not be talked down upon since we have a reputation and a standing in our social circle and the people around us. And that I would be able to transfer her from one place to another so I can marry her (we were from country where cousin marriage is illegal, looked down upon big time and even have the horrible social stigma). Know what I'm saying!? These are the things that is running on my head when I was 18... I can say some more but I think this post will suffice from now. I really really wish you all the best, my friend. So yeah, give time for yourselves to grow... She will not lose interest in you because you will be there for her. And hey, if that happens, we will cross the bridge when we reach it, aight? No biggie. We are man and we got this. Know what I'm sayin? Pooch
  8. 1 point
    I know It's nothing we don't already know but I thought it was good to see it being spoken about in UK new articles as it's not really done here.... Hopefully it will continue in good light!
  9. 1 point
    oh, and because i know what the next questions are probably going to be... my ex husband lived in the same state as i. he never gave us any hassle about the fact that the guy i was about to marry was my cousin (once removed). he never even talked negatively to our daughters about it... that's probably the ONLY thing he's never found a way to use as a weapon where the girls are concerned, as a matter of fact. and our family was all surprisingly supportive on both sides. there did come a time when we moved out of state, and spent a decade living in nevada while the girls were still young, but my divorce had given me sole right to determine residency, which meant that my ex couldn't do a thing about it even if he'd wanted to. he wasn't really much of a father to them though, so i don't think it bothered him too much... although when we first moved away, i let my youngest stay with him for a month before joining us, and i showed up early and unexpectedly to take her back with me because she'd told me on the phone that her dad was getting her a passport so they could go live in mexico or something. i don't know if he really would have. he denies it to this day. but i wasn't taking that chance.
  10. 1 point
    jolina, there's the kicker... you're having an emotional relationship. you're just a half-step away from acknowledging it for what it actually is... you're having an emotional affair... which is being unfaithful to your boyfriend. now, you're not married, so it's not adultery, but it is unfair to the boyfriend. i get that it's tough to make a break from someone you share a child with, but maybe it's time to consider co-parenting without co-habitating? (assuming you're living together) it's such a long story!! Mark and i had grown up together more or less. we weren't ever close, but we lived in the same school district, we were in the same high school band (for one year, anyway, before he graduated), all my friends thought he was dreamy back in high school. i didn't think of him in those terms at all. then he graduated and moved and married and divorced and remarried and all that jazz... and then i grew up and graduated and married and moved and had 2 daughters and divorced and all THAT jazz... and then we reconnected (at the stereotypical family reunion) when i was 34-ish... plus or minus a few months. it was instant attraction. we spent the whole reunion sitting under a tree talking. it was an attraction that was more than just skin deep, it was this feeling like i'd finally arrived home. now, backing up, here's a little irony. i don't know if you believe in God or not, but i do. and back in november of the previous year i had a long conversation (i.e. prayer) with God and basically said i was tired of trying to find someone to meet my expectations. i was ready to have a man in my life... someone to help me raise my girls and someone to grow old with. spring would be nice. may, maybe. could God bring him to me by may? well, that family reunion was on the last day of may. meanwhile, also in november of the previous year, Mark had filed for divorce from his second wife. no children involved, no hatred or anger, just issues that the two of them couldn't overcome. and in may, he decided that he would attend the family reunion for the first time in many, many years. his reason was so he could see his grandmother. but he always told me, even on that day, that he'd found himself hoping that i would be there. he didn't have a clue why i had even entered his mind, but he'd hoped to see me. anyway, i totally believe it was a God thing... He brought me His very best for my life... and even did it within the time frame that i'd requested, LOL... barely! and he definitely didn't fit any of my own personal prerequisites for a soulmate. he still carried baggage from his first two marriages/divorces, he had a history with substance abuse, he was not (at the time) likely to be any sort of "spiritual head of the household" because he really wasn't giving much thought to God back then. he wasn't likely to be serenading me by candlelight, strumming his guitar and singing pretty love songs like i was hoping for. but i hadn't asked for God to fulfill my wish list, i'd asked Him to bring me His best for my life. and i sincerely believe that was the prayer God answered. so we became instant best friends. we talked daily, we saw each other on weekends, we went places and did things together like best friends, but there was always that interest in pushing it further. and then finally it became vocalized. "if you weren't my cousin, i'd marry you in an instant". well what the heck? could you do that? and then i started doing my homework and found out that we could... legally, and morally from a biblical standpoint. and so we married on january 1 of 1999. and that's it in a nutshell! funny thing though. you asked how i knew he was the one. i remember one time my mom said something to me... she said she knew that this was really the one for me, because i was so calm about it. i didn't really understand what she meant so i pushed a little bit and she explained (i can't remember what words she used though) that i wasn't on some emotional high of infatuation, but that it was just a deep, steady abiding kind of love that seemed to keep me grounded.
  11. 1 point
    Thank you for stating this!! Not sure if you saw but I have a daughter who I won’t uproot from both of her parents here which is why i say we couldn’t work right now. He also has children where he lives (he’s not in any relationships) and he has full custody of his kids. So it’s just not the correct timing I suppose? How did you know your cousin was the ‘one?’
  12. 1 point
    (Let me call him "Johnny Depp" if you don't mind, aight? ) Hi again Jolina, Johnny Depp is not courting you, is he? When he asked you "if you are okay with this", does it refer to what you guys are doing or does it refer to your situation in general (ie. you guys are living apart and would want to be together someday)? I mean, for the 4 months of reconnection, how do you feel he was really treating you? Do you feel like he treats you as his girlfriend and you treat him as your boyfriend? Like, of course you can only speak for yourself, but whenever you guys text thru social media, was there a "boyfriend-girlfriend flavor"? I think I know what this means: For usually, with other cousins and other relatives, you don't feel that attraction, you know? It is only with him that you felt like "Hmm..." and I would way that it is normal... family or not. I am not sure where but I read that the "aversion" to attraction more likely only comes to relatives who grew up together and so with 'family' whom you haven't had any connection at all (say 19 years in this case) is also like meeting a stranger. I am not sure how evolution kicks here but it's a reason why siblings are not attracted to one another (coz more likely they grew up together) and stuff like that... But in your experience of 19 years being apart, I think I can relate that you would treat him not as family. On his POV, however, the social convention of (cousin = family) is there so pretty much he asked you "if you're okay with this".... But take my comment with a grain of salt though. On to another comment, Hmm.. Then it means you don't miss him now. If that's the case, I would guard my heart against Johnny Depp. You haven't fallen yet soooo.... just watch yourself, know what I'm sayin? Pooch
  13. 1 point
    My current BF, is my daughters father. Which is also the reason why I will not move to another state. I won’t separate my daughter from her father strictly bc I want a relationship. Later in life? Possibly. The “story for another day, or long story” comment I made was about my current BF in reference to my daughter. I just wanted insight into having feelings for someone who is suppose to be your “family.” Like I stated, I don’t see him as my family, but it’s taken me by such a surprise that I don’t know what to do. He also has children where he lives, but has no wife, girlfriend. He has custody of his children; and they’re awesome. I love talking to him, and I am drawn to him. But will not uproot my daughters life for him while she still needs both of her parents present. I don’t know if I only want is just a short fling, because I believe I would miss him. Flings can get messy and dramatic 🙄 But he stirs my insides... but he also makes me smile, makes me think, pushes me forward..
  14. 1 point
    you do seem a little hung up lately on hearing others describe physical appearance and sometimes other things, pooch...
  15. 1 point
    Pooch, why do his looks have to have a bearing on how you comment. LOOKS are the last thing to consider, unless one is so shallow to think that is most important in a relationship.
  16. 1 point
    I made the mistake of going into a relationship at the age of 17 and even though 14 years on we are still together with 3 children it hasn't been the easiest road and I feel if i would have been more mature I possibly would have made different decisions. Please please don't rush this. Give yourself a year or so and remember this may well just be an infatuation stage..... if in a yearor two you still feel the same then act on it. All the best x