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  1. 4 points
    for the record, i see no reason why you could never be with him publicly. i've been married to my first cousin once removed for 19 years. and in your circumstances, apparently at least one family member that noticed the connection between you two has no problem with it.
  2. 4 points
    wow. ok, first let me ask that (for the sake of those trying to read your post) you go in and add a few more periods here and there. it's not terribly difficult to read, but some of us wise old owls stumble a bit with run-on sentences i'm glad you and your boyfriend haven't had sex. think about this for a sec... in the beginning you probably felt that he was the love of your life. but less than a year later, the two of you are drifting apart. (not to mention that he's a 'bad boy', which probably was part of what drew you to him in the first place... no, i'm not criticizing... it's totally normal! i don't know why but it seems to be natural instinct for us women to be attracted to the bad-boy-persona.) he cheated on you multiple times, he's got some sort of criminal background since he's on probation, you don't get to see him much, and now you're falling for someone new. aren't you glad you didn't give such a precious part of yourself away to someone who was just temporary in your life? now, what to do about him. girl, i know it's hard, but you need to let him know that you don't want to be with him anymore. it won't be the end of his world. in less than a year, you know of three times he's cheated. he's probably STILL cheating, especially since you don't see him often these days. out of sight, out of mind. but you do need to be fair and let him know that you are moving on. as for your cousin, please take things slow. you have a lifetime ahead of you. if you two are right for each other, then taking it slow will make the relationship much stronger than if you jump in too soon. plus, you're still living at home... and taking it slow will also be to your benefit when you (someday) tell your mother. the longer you two have been together the far more likely she'll take it seriously and not freak out.
  3. 3 points
    As I read through this, the thing that stuck in my mind is his question, "are you sure you're okay with this" (or something like that - sorry, too lazy to scroll back up! LOL). I don't remember seeing anything explicitly stating that you're BOTH single. Is that the case? Are there any kids involved for either of you? If he's asking that, I suspect he's gauging to see if he can move this to the next level, which would probably be a lot more intimate, or at least as intimate as two people can be over remote distance. The Internet has certainly closed some of those gaps with things like Skype, FaceTime, SnapChat, WhatsApp, and the like. My only advice, if that is the case, is to be very careful with what you share of yourself and how. If you both have strong romantic feelings toward one another, I'd say continue exploring this through friendship. Develop a strong friendship and get to know one another much more deeply. What motivates each of you in life? What are each of your life's dreams and goals? How do you see things in terms of world view (politics and religion)? On what points do you agree and disagree? These things seem small and insignificant when two people are in that initial stage that feels like "in love" but they balloon into "irreconcilable differences" when not resolved early on. Distance is negotiable. One, the other, or even both of you may at some point decide that a relationship and life together trumps whatever you have that's keeping you in your current location doing whatever you're currently doing. But before you get to that point, exercise great patience and get to know one another on levels beyond what you presently think possible. Win, lose, or draw, in ten or twenty years from now, you'll be glad you did. Best wishes and God bless, CM
  4. 3 points
    I married my 1st cousin in a State that allows first cousin marriages. I did not grow up with my cousin but met her later in my teens. I had recently gone through a divorce and needed help raising my child and she needed help raising her two children. We married and have two children together (NO birth defects).We have now been married for 18 years this spring. I find being married to my first cousin as somewhat of a relief, mainly due to we both have a vested interest in the uplifting of our family. We are what you may call the nucleus of our extended family. Family members Come to us for help and advise because we are stable in our marriage and careers. At this point in our marriage, I honestly dont think about the fact that we are related. My wife is my special person, and I am hers. We keep our family business to ourselves due to protection for our children that are now teenagers, Both children do well in school and receive decent grades. This website helped me explain to my children that they are no different from any other children. I would not encourage or discourage anyone from marrying their first cousin, I believe it’s a matter of personal preference and understanding the repercussions with family if it doesn’t work out. Thanks again to this website for presenting needed facts about cousin marriage early in our relationship.
  5. 3 points
    LadyC was so much more calm than I was when I first read this. I'll have to give her major kudos for having much wisdom to see this through the right eyes. Okay, Ku, here goes: She's right. Sex is not a sport and if you treat it like one, you'll eventually have major regrets... and the ladies who play it with you will have even bigger regrets that none of you can see right now. Now, that aside, let's just suppose that my moral judgment on the matter didn't actually exist or have any basis in reality. Even so, as LadyC point out, sex with your cousin, whether for casual fun or as part of a serious relationship should be entered into with a lot more consideration than anyone else. A girlfriend, "hookup", fling, or whatever can be here today, gone tomorrow, and if you can both pretend there is nothing left over afterward (and if no children come to remind you) - well, that's all well and good and you can just pretend you never met. Not so with a cousin. She'll be part of your life until one of you is dead (and then some). There's just no way around that. Ten years later, you're both married and have kids and it's time for the larger family to get together for a holiday, funeral, or wedding. Guess what? You're both going to be there (or avoiding it because the other might be there) and you'll have to look each other in the eyes and know. Your future wife will know or may find out. Awkward. Trust? Nope. She won't have you spending a minute alone together and with good reason. Just. Don't.
  6. 3 points
    you don't. he either feels the same or he doesn't. you don't say if he is also gay or not. but i have to tell ya, fast heartbeat and sweaty does not mean "love". it means lust. there is a huge difference between the two.
  7. 3 points
    Hmm. Well, I'm sure mine is buried in these pages somewhere but I'm too lazy to go look for it. Here are the highlights: We've known one another most of our lives but grew up in separate states. I developed a bit of a small crush on her when we were young teens but our "romantic" relationship happened quite accidentally when we were young adults (18 and 20). The vast majority of our family was absolutely opposed. A few came around quickly, a few took some time, and some are no longer in our lives. Not the outcome we'd hoped for but we learned we can't (and shouldn't try to) control other people's decisions any more than we should be beholden to their's. We've been married over 20 years. We have two kids, both absolutely amazing, beautiful, brilliant, and in perfect health; both graduated high school with honors and both are currently on the Dean's List at a major private university where they attend with the help of some academic scholarships (I guess that takes care of the "feeble minded" myth of the Eugenics movement). Hope this helps! Best wishes, CM
  8. 2 points
    This is a post I've been meaning to write for a while, because I see so many people struggling with their feelings, and with how the world will/is responding. And I too struggled for years, and thought the idea of being with my cousin was impossible, and thought that if we were together, if by some chance he felt about me the way I felt about him, things would be impossibly hard. We've been married for about two months now. At the very least, members of our family(ies) accept us, and some of them are very happy we're together. Our friends all know and accept us. We are very lucky, and our world is not going to be what everyone gets, but I've learned that there are some advantages to cousin relationships that most relationships don't have, and I want to share that, because I think a lot of you don't know that, and are scared and confused, and I want you to know that not only are cousin relationships NOT impossible, but there are some things that make them special. So, for one thing. If/when your family accepts your relationship, here's a big plus: you are both invested in the same people. When our mutual grandmother (she just turned 87 and lives by herself) needs help, we are both right there to do everything we can. If one of us is more available than the other, that person spends the night at her house. If she's not feeding herself right, we both remind her of that, and if one of us decides to buy her nutritional supplements out of our grocery fund, the other one is happy about that. This is our family. We take care of them, and we both know why, and we both agree on that. Related, if there is a disagreement in the family, we send in the one of us who is best positioned to handle it. So, my husband/cousin's mother's husband (no relation to either of us) emailed the family saying he thought we should all come together and force our grandmother (again, no relation of his) into assisted living. And we talked about how to respond, and in that case my husband/cousin handled it beautifully. And I'm the one who calls our grandmother at least once a week, and tells her we both love her, and checks in on how she's doing, because I'm better on the phone. All of the above is about family, which is really important. But the personal is even more important. My husband/cousin and I saw each other a couple of times a year when we were kids. We didn't see each other for about ten years from adolescence to adulthood. After that, we saw each other again about twice a year, until I moved close to him and things got complicated. But at that point, I already knew him. I'd known him my whole life. We always talked freely about our relationships to each other. I watched him be a father to another woman's three girls, who weren't his, until she made it impossible for him. I knew what he would be like in a relationship before I was ever with him. I knew his strengths, and his flaws, just as he knew mine. And I knew that his strengths were exactly what I needed, and I knew that I complimented his flaws. I walked into this relationship knowing exactly what I was walking into, and loving him for who he is. To me, that's the most powerful potential about a cousin relationship. That you can know the other person, so well, on other terms, before you become romantically involved or commit to them. That's not something most people get to have. Anyone who reads this and is struck by it, or anyone who is struggling with the possibility of a cousin relationship, please feel free to respond here, or to message me directly. And for those of you who are in happy cousin relationships: anything to add?
  9. 2 points
    Thanks for the advice everyone. I do worry about moving too slow, and I'm trying the best I can to get over the idea to her that I'm in love with her without having to say it. UPDATE: I have told her that if we had met sooner in life, that she would have been my girl. She giggled and wondered what my dad, her uncle, would have said, and I told her I wouldn't have cared. A few weeks later, some friends of ours married and they were in fact, second cousins. She didn't blink an eye at their union, and I used this as an excuse to explain to her that many famous people ended up marrying their cousins. A couple of days after the wedding, we talked about it some more, and she herself said "Well, it would have been like if you and I had hooked up...", which I took as a good sign because if the thought wouldn't had been on her mind, she never would have said anything. Also, the casual way which she mentioned it gave me some encouragement. She told me she had always wanted a puppy when she was a girl, so for the Easter weekend, I took her puppy shopping and let her pick out a dog she wanted. $700 later, with an extra $100 for puppy supplies, she now has the dog she always wanted and is totally in love with it. When I come over to her place, which is often now as she texts me invites, I help her clean. I move her couches and sweep as she focuses on picking up and putting away laundry. Some loser friend was giving her a hard time over on Facebook and made her upset, so I went the Chuck Norris route. I found the guy, and gave him a black eye. She was impressed. She said she never had anyone who fought or stood up for her. Finally, a friend of ours told me that she was talking about me, and she said that "I changed her life in ways I don't even know.", and that she does love and care about me. Not sure about the context, but none the less, still something to be pleased with. This is where we stand right now. My big goal is to kiss her on the lips. I have a feeling when that happens, the dam gates are going to burst and we'll either rise with our emotions or be sunk. I'll be back with updates as they happen.
  10. 2 points
    https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.popsci.com/amp/marrying-cousins-genetics Not sure if someone else has already shown you guys this, but good to see this info mainstream papers!
  11. 2 points
    1. No she won't. This thought is only on your head. If a girl finds you attractive, then she finds you attractive. The age factor will come in later but since the ball is already rolling, then it's not going to be a big issue. And besides, it's not like you're gonna marry her tomorrow and have 3 kids the next year, eh?! You are just asking whether she has a boyfriend or not! And if you hit on her, then own it in your most subtle way. I'm thinking along the lines of, say she tells you explicitly (or though like) "Are you hitting on me!???" Then have the attitude, by implication, to have the posture of "Yeah.. I am hitting on you. Now, girl whatcha gonna do!?" Boom! There ya go.. Know what I'm sayin? Although you lead the thing, you pass the ball to her to respond. You got nothing to lose... 2. If it doesn't work out, who would know!? Would her brother know? Would her parents know? Who would know? The only people who would know is you and her. It's not like she's gonna tell everybody, make an announcement or something and go like "Heeeey everyone! ESSEX is hitting on me!" blah blah blah... There is no possibility that that will happen. lol. So you know... If it does not work out, in other words if she rejects you, then it's going to be between you and her. Now eventually though, some people would know. But then those are still on the long run and besides, it's easy to deny those...so no harm done. 3. The direct approach will work because it will "shock" her. Make sure though that you have the right timing. Now I wouldn't know that --- you know when is the best time. I suggest doing it when it's only between the two of you. Maybe when you guys are together in the car or when you guys do errands together or something.. But do it when private and not many people around. The shyness won't be a factor especially if you asked if she already has a boyfriend or not. Make her comfortable....and not accusatory. Ask in a soft but stern way, "Have you been seeing some guys?" or something along those lines.. Basically you want to know her status..her love life.. Or maybe ask her "Are you open for marriage?!" Then follow it up with, "Just kidding." LOL. Make it playful, fun and make her laugh....like how you were attracted to her 5 years ago. By the way, is she working right now? Like in McDonalds or something? If she has a part-time job, then that means she has work experience and have been dealing with people already.. So she may not be THAT shy as you have described. 4. What do you mean spotlights? You are not going to court her ora-mismo, my friend... you know? I'm not saying that you go too strong.. What I'm saying is be direct. Say for example, it came upon your conversation with each other that you guys are talking about how your parents got married or how your parents courted one another... or probably you guys are talking about your friend's boyfriend or girlfriend... anything related to boy-girl-relationships, aight? Then that's the time you drop the bomb: a direct question that will show that you are a guy and that she is a girl. Know what I'm saying? Don't think too much my friend! Don't analyze things... See what works.. When do you think you guys are going to see each other? Pooch
  12. 2 points
    I'm going to share and express my thoughts about cousin marriages... Stay tuned... Good subscribe to Sage Nation.... The episode will come in two weeks... I'm going to start my podcast again on Thursday March 15th.... Please subscribe and support my channel
  13. 2 points
    I was very scared when I found out I was pregnant with my first cousins baby. I was so afraid I would give birth to a baby who had defects. After discussing with my Dr. about why I was concerned about the pregnancy, he told me, I could have a normal & healthy baby like any other woman. He did the normal tests that you get done while being pregnant and everything was fine in my case. I gave birth to a very healthy 8lb 3.5 oz baby boy. To this day, we have a normal, healthy 40 year old. :-) I would suggest you talk with your Dr. first and see what he/she thinks. I am quite sure blood tests can provide the information needed so, you can decide what course of action you and your cousin should take with having a child. Wishing you all the best.
  14. 2 points
    he's right, ya know. if you do want to repair your relationship with your child's father, you absolutely can. it will take work, but it can be done. that's the other part of my story that i didn't share... mine and mark's marriage was definitely on the verge of collapse at one point. in fact, it was on the verge for several years. but we overcame it, and for the last six years, i've had the marriage of my dreams, with the man i made a commitment to 19 years ago. there's another book that i would recommend along with what CM suggested... the love dare. you can get the audio book free here: http://bit.ly/lovedareaudio (it's free with a 30 day trial to their audio service, but you can cancel and keep the book.)
  15. 2 points
    Well, this is what I get for reading too fast (skimming): I missed a lot of important details! Pooch, Romalee, and LadyC all picked up on this pretty quickly. Honestly, LadyC called it exactly what it is - an "emotional affair." So let's get to the root of what an affair is. First, this has nothing to do with the fact that he is your cousin. That fact only allowed the access and closeness for nature to take its course. You're a woman and he's a man and you have very specific needs that he was meeting. In this case, you need and crave the affection, the conversation, the apparent honesty and openness you share - all of this hits you in a place you just can't resist and you're head over heels. At that same time, he very likely finds you physically attractive, you admire certain things about him and presumably tell him so. Maybe you enjoy doing things together or have similar hobbies or like the same types of movies. If I'm right, it won't be long before he tries to persuade you to share some of those intimate moments online (FaceTime, SnapChat, etc.), because that will ultimately hit him in a similar place. Because of how he makes you feel, maybe you'll even agree - after all, you'd likely enjoy the rush of feelings. This is a death spiral for both of your current relationships or family situations and nothing good can possibly come of it. There are children involved and, though you're not married to the father of your daughter, you rightly see that you can't just up and leave where you are because you have roots there. He has children he likewise cannot uproot. Are your current relationships suffering? Yup. And they will continue to decay and rot and stink and fester until they eventually die if you don't turn the ship around. So, are your feelings normal? You bet! Normal and natural and very human. They're also destructive and wrong - not wrong because you're cousins but wrong because of the damage they'll cause and because their source isn't real (it's not that you love one another this way, but rather that you love the idea of what you wish your current relationships could and should be). The good news, now that I've rained all over everyone's parade, is that you CAN have a full restoration of your current relationship and have in that relationship exactly what you're experiencing in your affair. You really can! It will mean breaking off the affair, thanking one another for being there in a season of drought and doubt but understanding that you simply cannot continue any kind of private relationship going forward if you are to succeed in repairing your current one. I say this because you had a child with this man and he's still in your life. That usually happens because you actually were passionate for and about one another at some point. At some point, you called one another all of those cute names and used silly voices when you'd talk and all of that other mushy stuff couples do early on. You can repair that. If you're interested, I recommend a couple of books (or Audible books): 1) The Five Love Languages 2) His Needs, Her Needs Start with those and see where they lead. Best wishes and God bless, CM
  16. 2 points
    do you really want honest opinions? because most people really don't. but here it is, i'll give it to you straight. you should slow way, way down. you're 16 years old (or close to it) for crying out loud! all those raging hormones that you're feeling are going to drive you (or her) straight to heartbreak ridge. it's virtually impossible at your ages to have a sexual relationship without it getting all tangled up in a web of emotion. sex isn't a sport, and having sex with a cousin is nothing you should take lightly. don't you think she deserves better than to be your playmate?
  17. 2 points
    LOL well with us, he used the standard line.... 'if we weren't cousins i'd marry you'. i can't remember what i said back, but it may have been something along the lines of 'don't let that stop you', because we didn't. we were married about 7 months later. most states are friendly towards first cousins once removed marrying. i think only 6 prohibit it. you should gather up your courage and toss the subject out there and see where it lands! if her daughter is already saying you two seem close but she doesn't seem to have any objections (and trust me, at 16 you would KNOW if she had any objections already!) then it's likely the daughter is sitting back watching things unfold with a bit of amusement at how long it's taking.
  18. 2 points
    four years ago was a lifetime in terms of your maturity (and his). the uproar it caused back then may be something that barely gets an eyebrow raised now.
  19. 2 points
    he can't do that. he can tell her he thinks someone is bad news but ultimately, he has to let her make her own decisions... even bad ones. i'm a girl. an old one now, but nonetheless i'm a girl, and i can tell you that any good guy who tries to interfere with a girl's attraction to a bad boy is going to lose the girl completely. besides, if he's in love with the girl there will never be anyone else that he thinks is good enough for her. better to just be there to pick up the pieces.
  20. 2 points
    she is still a child. she can't even legally marry you for at least three years, and in most states four years. so here's what you do. be her friend. do everything you can to make sure that friendship is rock solid... long before you ever even try to kiss her, you focus on being the best friend any girl could have. because if that friendship isn't as solid as a rock, you'll never even get to the proposal stage... and if you did, you'd be making a quick trip to the divorce stage. you encourage her to study hard and set goals. YOU study hard and set goals for yourself so that you will be able to one day have a job that will pay enough to support her and a few children. you want a job that will allow you to help her dreams come true, whether those dreams are to go to college or to raise horses. you treat her with the utmost respect and never betray her trust physically or emotionally. you treat her PARENTS with the utmost respect. if you don't have them on your side, you are setting your future up for probable failure. you live your life for the next four years. and you wait. if you don't have patience now, you're never going to have the patience that it takes to grow old with someone. if she's really worth having, she's worth waiting for. so whatever you do, you leave sex OFF the table for the next several years. you allow her to live her life. in the next several years she is going to date other guys. you keep your mouth shut and let her, even when it seems like a long term thing. she needs to learn what it's like to be in a relationship and how to handle romance. that's how a girl learns what to look for in a man and how to (someday) be a good wife. you live YOUR life. you need to be dating others also. because if you don't learn how to be a good boyfriend before you tell her how you feel, you're going to make a really lousy boyfriend if you ever do get to go out with her... and then you can forget about proposing do not confuse 'dating' with 'screwing'. dating is all about respecting someone. screwing is the lack of respect. remember the 3 Ps of a good romance... Protection, Preparation, and Provision. those three words come with a whole new lesson plan. if you're serious, let me know and i'll teach you what those things mean in a relationship.
  21. 2 points
    With her being in a relationship, she may not want to be that close with you, even through texting. Her attention is probably focused on her present interest. Don't take it wrong, just be in there if she needs you. She knows how you feel/felt and may not want to unintentionally lead you to think there may be more in store for a relationship with you. She may never be in the place that she feels she could return any romantic feelings. Are you prepared for the event that you may never be that close again? Best wishes on your journey.
  22. 2 points
    first cousin marriage has been illegal in the state of texas since 2005. however, the laws do not extend to first cousins once (or twice) removed. you'll be fine
  23. 2 points
    Nice to meet you. I’m from the United States.
  24. 2 points
    Hi Sir Pooch! Sorry for the late reply hehe kala ko po kasi wala ng active dito kaya di ko siya naccheck daily. Napadpad po ako dito kasi curious po ako kung may mga ibang cases katulad ng akin at syempre gusto ko din po ma inspired sa mga sucessful stories nila. Yes sir bale 5 months na po this december. For your 1st question po, nag break po kami kasi napuno na po ako nun eh bale nahuli ko po siya. Nakakita po ako ng photo na halos magkiss na sila nung bakla niyang ka work na napag-awayan na din namin dito at inaway din ako. Haha di ko alam kung ano meron sa kanila pero i don’t care na po haha tapos kasi since almost years na kami nun parang nagtatagal na lang kami kasi nanghihinayang kami na matagal na kami. Madaming beses niya na din po ako pinagsinungalingan at nahuhuli ko po siya na may kalandian minsan ang masakit pa dun may mga asawa na. Kaya ayun nauntog na ako sabi ko tama na. Di naman po ako nagpaligaw agad agad bale parang nirespeto pa din ni L yung fresh ako from break up basta nandyan lang siya di niya ako pinepressure na maging kami. Tsaka ayoko po maging unfair din sa kanya. Mas naging malalim po yun samahan namin mga Late Feb or March na parang nahuhulog na ako sa kanya nanaman kasi napakabait niya talaga as in lalo na saakin kahit dati pa nung childhood/ puppy love days pa lang kaya di po nakakapagtaka na naging kami agad haha ayaw ko na din po siya pakawalan kasi sobrang mahal ko na siya at alam ko ganun din po siya.
  25. 2 points
    I was 29, he was 32. Too many beers, and I'd broken up with my fiancee of three years a week before. I was complaining that I'd never be with the guy I wanted, and would grow old and die alone, because that was better than settling, and I'd finally figured that out. He told me I'd find that guy. I told him "finding" wasn't the problem. He asked me what was. I didn't want to answer, because I truly believed he'd reject me, and maybe never want to see me again. But I couldn't lie to him of all people, so I said: "The problem is that he is you, and I know you won't like that and I'm sorry, but I don't know how to change it." And he kissed me. My world shattered. It was what I had always wanted a kiss to be, from the first clumsy encounter when I was fourteen and every disappointment after, through a seven year relationship with one person, and then a three year engagement with another. It was perfect, it was sublime. The particles of the universe rearranged themselves around us, and all the things I'd thought were supposed to make sense but never had, suddenly did. We were not okay with that. We talked about it, and we decided that what with family and the fact that he was living with a girlfriend, it was not okay. That lasted about 48 hours. We decided that family would deal with it or not, and he decided he couldn't stay with his girlfriend regardless of what happened between us. He broke up with her, found an apartment, and we started seeing each other whenever we could. A month later, I bought my first house. I gave him a key the next day. We've been living together for about a year and a half. That kiss changed my life, my reality. Sometimes we're in a store, and he goes around a corner, and I think "This is it. None of the last year and a half ever happened. I'm crazy, and he never loved me, and I imagined him here with me. I'm a crazy woman, and he's not coming back, because he was never here." And I blink, and he's back, grinning at me and making jokes about spices. This is how I want to spend the rest of my life.
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