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LadyC

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LadyC last won the day on April 17

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About LadyC

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    Politically Incorrect Old Bat

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  1. you're very wise to recognize that you can't continue a 'just cousins' relationship. yeah, that's like going back to being just friends with a recent lover. not happening. you've taken the first step letting him know you have to cut off ties... make sure to follow through and block him from contacting you! and keep us posted on how things go with your husband
  2. you're not dying, it just feels like it. but that's why the first and most important step is to STOP talking to your cousin. no amount of advice we can give is going to be worth a darn thing if you don't end all communication. cold turkey. yes, it will hurt like the dickens. but believe it or not, that pain is nothing compared to the agony of dragging this out. how long have you and your husband been married? i've been married (this time) for 19 years. it hasn't always been bliss, but the number of awesome years is quickly approaching the number of not-so-fabulous ones. i promise, you can get the fire and passion back with your husband... if you WANT to. have you ever heard of the "love dare"? made popular by by the movie 'fireproof' about 7 or 8 years ago. you should get a copy. in fact, audible.com offers it free to keep with a trial subscription that you can cancel. https://tinyurl.com/freelovedare if you will read that book and follow the daily dares, it will do you far more good (in far less time) than any marriage counselor. every day you'll have a new 'dare' to accomplish. for example, the first day, your dare is to be patient and say nothing negative no matter how annoyed you get with your husband. . on day 2, your dare is to continue to be patient, but to add one random act of kindness towards your husband. Day 3, continue your resolve to not be critical towards him, and buy him something that says "i was thinking of you today". 40 days and it really can transform your marriage. but you have to be willing to try. you CAN be madly and deeply in love with your husband again if you are willing to try. so if you really want our help here, start with these two steps... get a copy of the love dare and START it. send your cousin one final text letting him know you are putting your energy into your marriage and that you are cutting off all means of communication with him. and then do so, without waiting for him to respond. if you let him respond, it will only become a major drama that steals your attention and affection from your children and your husband. once you start the dare, please keep us updated! i'd love to hear how things progress!
  3. a vacation might be good!but seriously, talking about the great times you've already shared is probably the most effective way to rekindle some feelings that have gotten lost. i'd love to hear some stories of the best times you've had together!
  4. good grief. i can't even make sense of the post... what kind of illiterate, inconsiderate moron doesn't bother to use any punctuation and expects a serious response?
  5. What do you guys do to have fun

    haha, don't know about the broken neck pain! so.... you're looking for some dare-devil ideas, huh? LOL. try the zip-line. hey, try an indoor sky-diving place! paint-ball... escape rooms... horseback riding! but all of those are good for special occasions... once in a while. unless you're filthy rich anyway. so how about something ya'll can do together frequently without spending a lot of money... tennis might be a good option. long walks on nature trails? oh hey, i have an idea! it's probably too late this spring for you to do it. i keep meaning to do it every year but miss the deadline every darn time. i want to take a master naturalist course. it involves class time and field work, but you learn all about the plants and animals in your area, learn what is edible, what is medicinal, and you can take extended classes to learn how to rehabilitate injured wildlife. i think it would be awesome. and an extra benefit is once you are certified you can have a nice sideline income. and it's something ya'll could to together! check it out... https://www.mecknc.gov/ParkandRec/StewardshipServices/GetInvolved/Pages/CCMN.aspx or you could get involved in something like a food pantry. i used to do that in vegas, and put lots of time in it. i am doing it again now... have a neighbor who started up a neighborhood "take what you need, leave what you can" operation two years ago. it has grown like wildfire and now we have 8 neighborhood (stand-alone) pantries and have two storage units to keep donated food... and a network of volunteers that actually deliver the food to the pantries four times a day. but there are more than just pantries... you could start volunteering together in any local charitable organization, or start one up yourselves! we have a guy that started up a "homeless church" by partnering with a local church that lets him use their building on sunday afternoons for preaching to homeless folks. many of them come for the social outlet, or for the free bread, or for a chance to get out of the cold during winter and heat during summer, but you'd be good at something like that.
  6. yes, it is grieving! no "in a way" about it! it's ok to call it grief, even if it is of your own making. hey, why don't you tell us some of your happiest memories with your husband? that will get ya started
  7. and that is exactly why we're saying you have to cut ALL communication with him. block his phone number, and on all social media. and after that, you need to start training yourself to stop thinking about him. here's the method that worked for me years ago. i allowed myself x amount of time three times a day to think about the other guy. whenever he crossed my mind at other times i would tell myself "nope, not going to think about him until 7 pm for 15 minutes (or whatever time you have scheduled.) stick to it. when thoughts of him enter your mind, that's a good time to compel yourself to think about your happiest and most loving times that you've had with your husband. eventually you'll get in the habit of limiting your thoughts of your cousin. when that happens, shorten the time... maybe to ten minutes... maybe to only twice a day. i sincerely believe that is the only way to get somebody out of your head and heart. and by making yourself turn those thoughts towards your husband and happier times, you'll be getting twice the benefit for the effort, because it will be strengthening the marital bond again. i know it's easier said than done. but i know that you can do it if you set your mind to it. i know, because i did it more than once. the first time was while i was married to my ex-husband. that marriage ended up failing anyway, but it was better that it failed on its own merit and not because i was hung up on someone else. the second time i was single, but had gone through a devastating break-up with someone i'd been dating for two years. good luck to ya.
  8. sure, i'll chime in. and i'll try to chime gently. although frankly, no matter how gently i tread, it's going to feel like i'm stomping, because it's not going to be what you want to hear. marriage is your priority. and i agree with romalee, you absolutely must cut all communication with your cousin. this isn't just because you're having an emotional affair with a man and it is disrespecting your husband, but because the longer you continue this affair, the more your sanity is in jeopardy. you mention not wanting to rip the family apart... i assume that means there are children involved? you also said you got married to 'do the right thing' which also indicates there is at least one child. i'd be willing to bet that at the time you 'did the right thing' you believed you were in love with him. so really, you're already ripping the family apart. they just don't know it yet. i take that back. they probably DO know it, they just don't know how or why their world is crumbling. you don't live in a vacuum. the more emotionally entwined you become with your cousin, the more emotionally distant you become to your husband and children. you may not realize it, but it's a fact that you need to face and understand. the bond of the family unit is disintegrating. it always starts slowly, almost imperceptibly, and then grows and grows until there is this huge divide. and your instinct will inevitably be to point fingers and try to lay at least part of the blame on your husband. but you are the one who has strayed. you're the one that let someone else take his place in your heart and mind. and you're the one who is going to have to do the right thing now, and cut all ties with your cousin. it's going to hurt. it's going to be hard. it's going to feel like someone ripped your heart right out of your chest. (ask me how i know. go ahead, ask!) but it's not impossible to get past. you can learn (literally train yourself) to quit letting this other guy occupy so much space in your head. it takes time and dedication, and it takes commitment. and really, it takes more commitment than i see you being willing to give right now. so this is where you need to be honest with yourself (and everybody else). if you are NOT willing to make the commitment to your marriage, then you need to pull up your bootstraps and tell your husband what's going on, and accept the consequences. sure, you're running the risk of a nasty custody battle, and you might lose. at the very least, it would make things rather complicated even if you did get custody. lucky for you, infidelity (whether emotional or physical) only makes you a bad wife in the eyes of the law, and not a bad mother. it's something you have to ask yourself though... if you're not doing right by your husband, are you really putting the children's best interest ahead of your own? is that the picture of 'good parenting' that you see in the mirror? KC has responded to you while i was typing this. he's right, ya know. right now all these emotions you feel for your cousin are heightened because it's wrong. even if you were to get a divorce today and marry your cousin, i can promise you that a few years down the road the "new" and "exciting" is going to wear off and you'll find yourself in a similar situation... boredom and dissatisfaction making you susceptible to temptation. believe it or not, you CAN repair your marriage and rekindle the fire with your husband. again, it's going to take time and effort and a whole lot of commitment, but it can be done. so what are you going to do?
  9. Vice magazine article

    very good!
  10. Long Distance relationship with my cousin.. help!

    he's right, ya know. if you do want to repair your relationship with your child's father, you absolutely can. it will take work, but it can be done. that's the other part of my story that i didn't share... mine and mark's marriage was definitely on the verge of collapse at one point. in fact, it was on the verge for several years. but we overcame it, and for the last six years, i've had the marriage of my dreams, with the man i made a commitment to 19 years ago. there's another book that i would recommend along with what CM suggested... the love dare. you can get the audio book free here: http://bit.ly/lovedareaudio (it's free with a 30 day trial to their audio service, but you can cancel and keep the book.)
  11. Advice please!

    i imagine your dad does have some fear left over from having lost contact with his daughter. but she was a child when her mother took off, and she probably has very little (good) memories of him left. it's pretty likely that she has been poisoned against him for her entire life by her mother. remind your dad that it's a whole different scenario now. you have grown up your entire life loving him, and no matter how far away you might ever travel (short or long term) you'll never stop being his little girl. hope things work out for you!!
  12. Newspaper article

    it's a good article, thanks for linking us to it!
  13. Long Distance relationship with my cousin.. help!

    oh, and because i know what the next questions are probably going to be... my ex husband lived in the same state as i. he never gave us any hassle about the fact that the guy i was about to marry was my cousin (once removed). he never even talked negatively to our daughters about it... that's probably the ONLY thing he's never found a way to use as a weapon where the girls are concerned, as a matter of fact. and our family was all surprisingly supportive on both sides. there did come a time when we moved out of state, and spent a decade living in nevada while the girls were still young, but my divorce had given me sole right to determine residency, which meant that my ex couldn't do a thing about it even if he'd wanted to. he wasn't really much of a father to them though, so i don't think it bothered him too much... although when we first moved away, i let my youngest stay with him for a month before joining us, and i showed up early and unexpectedly to take her back with me because she'd told me on the phone that her dad was getting her a passport so they could go live in mexico or something. i don't know if he really would have. he denies it to this day. but i wasn't taking that chance.
  14. Long Distance relationship with my cousin.. help!

    jolina, there's the kicker... you're having an emotional relationship. you're just a half-step away from acknowledging it for what it actually is... you're having an emotional affair... which is being unfaithful to your boyfriend. now, you're not married, so it's not adultery, but it is unfair to the boyfriend. i get that it's tough to make a break from someone you share a child with, but maybe it's time to consider co-parenting without co-habitating? (assuming you're living together) it's such a long story!! Mark and i had grown up together more or less. we weren't ever close, but we lived in the same school district, we were in the same high school band (for one year, anyway, before he graduated), all my friends thought he was dreamy back in high school. i didn't think of him in those terms at all. then he graduated and moved and married and divorced and remarried and all that jazz... and then i grew up and graduated and married and moved and had 2 daughters and divorced and all THAT jazz... and then we reconnected (at the stereotypical family reunion) when i was 34-ish... plus or minus a few months. it was instant attraction. we spent the whole reunion sitting under a tree talking. it was an attraction that was more than just skin deep, it was this feeling like i'd finally arrived home. now, backing up, here's a little irony. i don't know if you believe in God or not, but i do. and back in november of the previous year i had a long conversation (i.e. prayer) with God and basically said i was tired of trying to find someone to meet my expectations. i was ready to have a man in my life... someone to help me raise my girls and someone to grow old with. spring would be nice. may, maybe. could God bring him to me by may? well, that family reunion was on the last day of may. meanwhile, also in november of the previous year, Mark had filed for divorce from his second wife. no children involved, no hatred or anger, just issues that the two of them couldn't overcome. and in may, he decided that he would attend the family reunion for the first time in many, many years. his reason was so he could see his grandmother. but he always told me, even on that day, that he'd found himself hoping that i would be there. he didn't have a clue why i had even entered his mind, but he'd hoped to see me. anyway, i totally believe it was a God thing... He brought me His very best for my life... and even did it within the time frame that i'd requested, LOL... barely! and he definitely didn't fit any of my own personal prerequisites for a soulmate. he still carried baggage from his first two marriages/divorces, he had a history with substance abuse, he was not (at the time) likely to be any sort of "spiritual head of the household" because he really wasn't giving much thought to God back then. he wasn't likely to be serenading me by candlelight, strumming his guitar and singing pretty love songs like i was hoping for. but i hadn't asked for God to fulfill my wish list, i'd asked Him to bring me His best for my life. and i sincerely believe that was the prayer God answered. so we became instant best friends. we talked daily, we saw each other on weekends, we went places and did things together like best friends, but there was always that interest in pushing it further. and then finally it became vocalized. "if you weren't my cousin, i'd marry you in an instant". well what the heck? could you do that? and then i started doing my homework and found out that we could... legally, and morally from a biblical standpoint. and so we married on january 1 of 1999. and that's it in a nutshell! funny thing though. you asked how i knew he was the one. i remember one time my mom said something to me... she said she knew that this was really the one for me, because i was so calm about it. i didn't really understand what she meant so i pushed a little bit and she explained (i can't remember what words she used though) that i wasn't on some emotional high of infatuation, but that it was just a deep, steady abiding kind of love that seemed to keep me grounded.
  15. Long Distance relationship with my cousin.. help!

    you do seem a little hung up lately on hearing others describe physical appearance and sometimes other things, pooch...
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