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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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LadyC last won the day on November 12

LadyC had the most liked content!

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About LadyC

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    Politically Incorrect Old Bat

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  1. Needs advice

    i can't answer those questions, luna. i'm only taking shots in the dark based on what little information i have... he may have missed you, and maybe he does love you. but it doesn't sound as though the two of you have the same concept of love if he's already trying to brace you for the inevitable end. i could be wrong, though. and the only way for you to find out is to ask him point blank if he WANTS a future with you. maybe he just thinks it will end because he is scared. if that's the case, then maybe coming here would ease his concerns and pave the way for you two. but if it's set in stone in his mind that the two of you will come to an end, then he's not committed and probably won't become that way. sit him down. ask him to define his love for you. does he "love" you? or is he IN love with you and want to grow old with you? "love" to a man can mean many different things. i would definitely recommend you continue keeping sex out of the picture, but seriously.... sexting is just as much of an emotional minefield for a woman as 'coitus'.
  2. Needs advice

    you're not stupid for falling for him, but chances are he's being honest about his feelings when he says it will eventually end. it's natural for a woman to fall in love with someone she's intimate with. (and it's normal... not necessarily natural but definitely normal) for a woman to agree in the beginning that the relationship will just be casual sex. the problem is, a woman can't keep that part of her life separate from her emotional part the way a man can. so yes, your feelings have changed. you have become attached. it doesn't sound as though he has become attached to you, tho. to him, the forbidden fruit syndrome is probably keeping the sex exciting, but it sounds as though he recognizes that it's purely physiological from his point of view. and when things end, it's very likely that you are going to feel used... and he will feel like you tried to trap him. of course, neither of those two things will be true. you didn't set out to snare him anymore than he intended to use you. it's just that he took you at your word (that you wanted a casual relationship.
  3. Can you develop feelings if....

    of course you can. especially us women, because our brains are wired to associate intimacy with love, romance, and security. like it or not though, men are not wired the same. men can fall in love with someone they've been intimate with, but it is far more common for women to read things into their intimate relationships than the men have in mind. no, this isn't me just being cynical, either. you can call it biology or you can call it divine design, but men are hardwired to propogate the species, and therefore they can (and by nature, DO,) compartmentalize and keep sex and love totally separate. women, on the other hand, are hardwired to be nurturers, and in most cases have extreme difficulty compartmentalizing like that. sex is an expression of love, and love is fulfilled through sex.
  4. wow. ok, first let me ask that (for the sake of those trying to read your post) you go in and add a few more periods here and there. it's not terribly difficult to read, but some of us wise old owls stumble a bit with run-on sentences i'm glad you and your boyfriend haven't had sex. think about this for a sec... in the beginning you probably felt that he was the love of your life. but less than a year later, the two of you are drifting apart. (not to mention that he's a 'bad boy', which probably was part of what drew you to him in the first place... no, i'm not criticizing... it's totally normal! i don't know why but it seems to be natural instinct for us women to be attracted to the bad-boy-persona.) he cheated on you multiple times, he's got some sort of criminal background since he's on probation, you don't get to see him much, and now you're falling for someone new. aren't you glad you didn't give such a precious part of yourself away to someone who was just temporary in your life? now, what to do about him. girl, i know it's hard, but you need to let him know that you don't want to be with him anymore. it won't be the end of his world. in less than a year, you know of three times he's cheated. he's probably STILL cheating, especially since you don't see him often these days. out of sight, out of mind. but you do need to be fair and let him know that you are moving on. as for your cousin, please take things slow. you have a lifetime ahead of you. if you two are right for each other, then taking it slow will make the relationship much stronger than if you jump in too soon. plus, you're still living at home... and taking it slow will also be to your benefit when you (someday) tell your mother. the longer you two have been together the far more likely she'll take it seriously and not freak out.
  5. first cousins can't marry in michigan. the closest thing i can find to just 'being in a relationship' dates back to 2008 and appears to be only felony offenses if the 'relationship' is with a minor in your own home. but here's the chart... scroll down to michigan and read for yourself. if i'm understanding it correctly, assuming you are both consenting adults, you'd be considered (worst case scenario) a 4th degree misdemeanor. but even that is when one person was coerced into the relationship. http://www.ndaa.org/pdf/criminal_incest chart _2010.pdf
  6. Help please. Anxiety through the roof

    and to answer the question about whether you should only tell them once.... it's not something you need to tell the kids every day, but at their ages, if you say it once they may not remember. talking about your family casually in ways that indicate the relationships is a positive thing. like me and my husband... a lot of our friends are aware of our relationship, and they often find out because we'll say something about a particular relative... for instance he'll be telling someone we're going to be having lunch with his aunt, and i'll be referring to her as my cousin. that happens a lot. we have a clock that is really cool, handmade by my cousin (his father) out of a slab of pecan wood from the old cemetery where my grandparents and great grandparents are buried. at the top of the clock is a photo of my grandparents. on the remaining 11 hours there are photos of each of my grandparents' children. it's a great conversation piece when friends come over. we can show them who each of them are. there is often a quizzical look on their faces when, after showing them Mark's grandmother and my aunt, then a few "hours" on the clock later we get to my mom / his great aunt/ mother-in-law. there are places that will create a beautiful family tree as framed artwork. maybe somewhere down the line you might consider having one made! as the kids grow up and they see how the families are entwined, they will just think it's normal and beautiful
  7. At the bar

  8. Help please. Anxiety through the roof

    rrj, i'm so sorry you're having marital problems! YES! it is normal. this isn't because you two are related, it's because when two people commit their lives together, they will hit highs and lows. it happens! i'm also married to my first cousin once removed... have been since '99, so we're coming up on our 19th wedding anniversary on new year's day. we had a great first year of marriage... and then we hit a rough patch that just kept getting rougher for about ten years. seriously, there were times i just wanted to call it quits. it was a dark, dark time in my life. but i stayed because i had made a vow to stay with him through better or worse, and i took this one a little more seriously than i'd taken my first marriage. i didn't want to be divorced again. i didn't want to be single again. but boy, there were so many times when i questioned God as to why i had to stay married. i don't know if you believe in God or not, but He is the only thing that saved my marriage. it was really hard to put my trust in God to restore our relationship, because i was so full of anger and bitterness and pain. and my husband had so many issues that needed changing. i guess it took so long because i really thought all the changes needed to be on his end, and thought God was doing a crappy job of changing him. it took so long for me to realize i needed to just get out of God's way and quit trying to do His job of fixing my husband. and then i had to also trust Him to fix my husband no matter how those changes affected my life. that was the hardest thing of all. but once i finally got to that point, things changed pretty quickly. i know that sounds preachy, but that's my experience. and i can promise you things were quite bad before those changes. he was so disrespectful to me for so long, and would allow his friends to disrespect me. i just wanted him to stand up for me once in a while, but instead, he'd get mad when i'd finally stand up for myself. i even asked him once if he still loved me. his answer broke my heart... because he said no. but my commitment to honor the vow i made to both him and God when we married kept me there. it was hard. but God turned things around. really! and we have the marriage i always dreamed about now. i have a husband who loves and respects me, who stands up for me, who is my best friend! we do everything together. i can't picture my life without him. listen, i don't think i've ever met a couple who didn't have some troubled times in their marriage when they felt that the love was fading. that's just so normal. the honeymoon gives way to contentment... the contentment gives way to complacency... complacency leads to boredom and to stress, and then heads start turning. your head... his head... thoughts start wandering. kids start demanding attention, screaming, fighting... and if one or the other in the marriage didn't want to run away once in a while, that would be highly unusual. quit allowing the kinship to factor into your stress. there is absolutely nothing wrong with having married your first cousin once removed. there's nothing wrong with your children. there's only something wrong in the pea-brains of society that think everything is ok except cousin marriage. when you and your husband get some of these issues worked through and you feel confident in your marriage again, you need to make sure your children know (if you haven't told them already) about their family tree. they need to understand it from a very young age so that they never feel ashamed. and it's always the ones who were not told that feel ashamed when they find out. when that time comes, the old beatrix potter classic called the tale of the flopsy bunnies is always my first suggestion to introduce the subject. did you know benjamin bunny and flopsy were first cousins? yeah, who knew! but it says so right on the first page. it's a great way to get young children comfortable with the fact that their mommy and daddy are also cousins. as for what others might say, don't even let yourself go there. people are going to talk, whether you stay together or divorce. they're already talking. heck, they've been talking since the day you two started dating. just like they'd be talking if you'd married someone totally unrelated and were going through difficulties. people are natural born gossips. so accept that it's going to happen and stay above it all. ignore what you can, and refuse to associate with those who dare to criticize you (OR your husband) to your face. anyone who has anything negative to say about your marriage needs to be told to keep their opinions to themselves. but that also means you need to make sure you're not complaining to them about him, also. and that's hard, because everybody needs a sounding board! let US be your sounding board. because we're not going to take sides. we're going to be here to encourage you... as long as he's not being abusive to you or the kids, in which case we'd be having a whole different conversation. you can do this. if you're willing to give it a shot, the love you think you've lost for your husband can be rekindled. there's a famous actor, i really can't remember who for sure but i think it was mel gibson, or maybe patrick swayze, who once answered a question about the secret of a successful marriage in an interview. he said most people throw in the towel when the mountain seems too hard to climb anymore... but for those that stick it out and reach the top, they have the best view in the world... and that marriage from that point forward just gets sweeter and sweeter. i have climbed that mountain, and i can honestly say that was the most true thing i ever heard come out of hollywood.
  9. I'm in love with my first cousin. . .

    i understand what you're saying, but those are questions that you need to keep wondering about for now. i wish i could answer it for you, but of course i can't. if he's really going through a divorce, then the time will come in the near future when you can maybe ask him, or drop hints, to see if he feels the same. but now is just not the time... hang in there!
  10. I'm in love with my first cousin. . .

    maybe, but you should do nothing, let me repeat NOTHING, until the divorce is final. you don't need to become a part of the divorce drama! because if you do, you will inevitably become the sole reason for the divorce. even if you don't think you are, that's what it will become. so wait until the divorce is final and then see how things go before you make a decision to pursue or not.
  11. good idea. i went in and edited the title for him.
  12. right. but neither state (or any other in the nation) will recognize bigamy. had they both been single, we'd have given different advice.
  13. any misconception is squarely on YOUR shoulders. you didn't come here saying 'my cousin's husband has a bad temper, they're going through a divorce, and i want a future with her and her children but we are waiting patiently until the divorce is final before we sleep together". you came here saying 'we're in love, she's married, he's being a shriveled appendage because he found out about us and is trying to use the kids as a weapon to keep us apart, and oh, i don't care if i marry her i just want to live with her, so how can we do it?' ring ring ring telephone line.... i'm sorry, but you have reached a conservative message board. please engage your brain before you open mouth and insert foot. it doesn't change anything. you're still just thinking about yourselves and not what is in the best interest of the children. if you truly want to be selfless, then you will break off ALL intimacy. you act as though the only form of infidelity is putting a penis in a hole. newsflash, until the ink is dry on the divorce papers, she is being unfaithful to her marriage every time she confides in you, every time you whisper sweet nothings in her ear over the telephone, every time you talk about a future together, every time you skype, every time you sext. we believe in cousin marriage here. but first and foremost, we believe in the sanctity of marriage. you're not getting any advice that we haven't given countless others over the years... stay completely out of the picture until the divorce is final. if you are anywhere in the picture, even on the sidelines, then you become one of the reasons for the divorce. no, more than that. you become the frame. period. that is black and white and set in stone, no matter how you try to muddy the lines. yes, people get divorced. it's true. heck, i've even been divorced. and you know what the cause of divorce is 100% of the time? it is selfishness. it doesn't matter who is to blame initially, in the end both are thinking more of their own desires than about the commitment they made to forsake all others til death do them part. but fyi, if you had joined this board and explained things in a more thought out manner, we might have given you the same consideration. wouldn't have changed our position, but we probably would responded in a way that didn't step on your toes quite so hard. but don't take that as an apology. when you act like a selfish jerk, you get treated like one.
  14. New here

    BRILLIANT! absolutely brilliant! why had that never occurred to me before? or any of us for that matter. this is how we need to approach legislative change. so many laws are worded so confusingly from one state to another as it is... if we could get state legislatures to reword their statutes, it makes the laws consistent... or even if they aren't consistent they're at least worded in a way that is consistent and can leave no room for misinterpretation. but the best thing is that it would, during the lawmaking process, take the knee-jerk emotional aspect out of the minds of the house and senate as they debate it.
  15. Got to get this off my chest

    maybe you just need to keep looking for the right person. neither of these two is a good choice.