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ColoradoMarried

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ColoradoMarried last won the day on October 26 2017

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  1. Please answer...

    You're going to have to be patient. I know, telling a 16-year-old to be patient is like telling a puppy to wait for a treat that you're holding six inches from its nose, but consider that picture. Right now, you're full of emotions, desires, and a desire to grab life and run with it. That's a VERY GOOD thing! However, I don't know where you are in life. In some places, 16 is old enough to get married, start a profession, and raise a family. In others (America and Europe), 16 is considered "childhood" and marriage is supposed to be set aside for after you complete your primary and secondary education (and many would argue, post-secondary as well, whether that be university, community college, or trade school). In my view, it's good to know what you want - I *knew* I wanted to be married from a very young age and it was just a matter of finding the "right" girl and doing the work to be a good husband. Of course, at 16, I had no *real* idea what any of that meant! My grandmother used to call the emotions I felt for girls in my youth, "puppy love". Yup! As I look back, that's exactly what it was (though the term used to irk me terribly). So, now let me get to your question: "How can I tell her?" Well, again, that depends on your own family and cultural surroundings. I would have been absolutely terrified to say such a thing to my cousin with I was 16 for fear of being utterly rejected AND humiliated before the entire family. I did, however, float the idea to her once when we were quite young (15 and 13) in the form of a joke - "you know it's legal for us to get married in New York?!?" At the time, that was the only state I had heard of where such a thing was legal and I truly did think it was a joke - had NO intention of pursuing that, even if I did find her cute as could be. Needless to say, she gave the expected, "ewww, you're gross!" and then we resumed whatever we were doing, picking on one another and just generally hanging out. Fast forward almost five years, when we were 20 and 18, and we actually had a conversation on the phone one night where we discussed boyfriends and girlfriends, as we usually did over the previous five years, and she asked if I'd ever wondered what it would be like to kiss her. Needless to say, that conversation escalated as we ended up asking one another a lot more questions than that. Over the years we had confided our deepest, darkest relationship secrets in one another. It turned out that we were each the "model" against which we always measured others and so, naturally, we had both wondered, on some level, what a relationship would be like, even if we supposedly knew it was impossible. When we next saw one another in person, it was a bit awkward but very "electric." Well, five months after that conversation, we were married! That's not to say that you will end up married to this girl of your dreams in five months but rather to say that the best approach to finding out *if* she finds you at all interesting in that way may be the subtle approach. Find out what she looks for in a boyfriend. What does she say the ideal man should be? Does the man she describes sound at all like you? Find out what you *should* look for in a girlfriend from her perspective and let her know that you think she's the ideal and you'd love to find a girl just like her someday. Does the ideal girl for you, from her perspective, sound at all like here? I haven't asked, but do the two of you come from families that you believe would be accepting of you getting married? In my case, the answer was an emphatic "no". Some folks on here are from families that not only support it but even encourage it. Others are in between.
  2. Things have gotten complicated

    Now that I have a brief moment to take this in and reply a little more carefully, I hope I can say something of use. However, it looks like LadyC said pretty much exactly what I would have said, so mostly, I'll just say, "what she said." At the moment, I suspect that you're experiencing so much confusion. The "makeout" session sounded like it was amazing - incredibly thrilling. The rest sounds like it wasn't quite as exciting but all the same, that probably has more to do with your emotions after the fact. If we were to take it pragmatically, the sex act itself can be anywhere between "meh" and "that was so incredible; am I even still alive?!?" with just about anyone depending on comfort, practice, familiarity, mutual effort, and emotional investment. So let's get past that because there's a lot more going on here. Your cousin has been an incredibly close friend for a very long time. He's someone you've known and trusted probably longer than you've known and trusted your boyfriend. So, now you're at a crossroads. In retrospect, you realize that your cousin was a fling and probably one that you should have avoided. It answered that question and fulfilled that fantasy that he shared with you (and that evidently provided you some degree of fantasy to indulge as well). It also, as LadyC pointed out, crossed a point of no return. First, you and your cousin have had sex, and like losing virginity, you don't get to put that back. For the rest of your lives, you will forever be two people who've seen one another naked, shared the most physically intimate moment a man and woman can share, and shared what is (at the moment) a secret so deep many people would never mention it to anyone they know. At the same time, any hope you may have had in being faithful to your boyfriend is gone. Of course, this assumes that you have always been faithful before - you didn't say but I'll give the benefit of the doubt - and assumes your intent is a "happily ever after", given the use of "committed relationship". This means that, if you and your boyfriend eventually have children, you will forever know that at some point, you had a moment of decision that led to a tryst outside of that relationship. Of course, this also assumes that you and your cousin didn't create any children yourselves. I don't say all of this as a point of shame but rather of reflection. With that now firmly in our minds, we must look to the future. What is done cannot be undone so the future is all that remains. You and your cousin both have a point of decision. If you truly do not believe you will end up together in your own cousin marriage happily ever after, I'm afraid LadyC is right: you are forced to break all ties with him; thank him for his friendship and for all that he has meant to you, but there are too many reasons that you cannot continue your friendship. First, no matter who you eventually end up with, that person must be able to trust you completely. The risk that at some point in the future, be it next week or in 10 or 20 years, you and your cousin end up in another tryst is just too great. It happened precisely because you have a close, deep, trusting relationship. You have a question about whether, when, and how to tell your boyfriend. If you carry this guilt in silence, it may cause you to act out against your boyfriend in ways you don't realize, and can manifest itself in either insecurity or, worse, more cheating (an ironic form of self-medication), until finally caught. On the other hand, you know quite well that if you tell your boyfriend, he will be hurt and may leave you. When he finds out who, he'll be even more hurt because he likely trusts your cousin to be alone with you and never see you in this light. And this says nothing of your boyfriend's view of sex between cousins (the "ick" factor). It's going to be hard. In my view, you have to completely break off your relationship with your cousin, lay out all of the cards on the table with your boyfriends, and move forward from there. Maybe you'll have a chance to repair your relationship with your boyfriend. Maybe not. However, you're young and no matter how this ends, you'll have learned some things that you likely could learn no other way. Sometimes, our character is defined less by the mistakes we make than by how we handle them. Best wishes and God bless, CM
  3. Things have gotten complicated

    Oh my! Things got complicated indeed! So this definitely changes approach and my earlier response a bit. I’d already guessed or assumed you were both around late 20s from language use but somehow didn’t think to ask about anyone else. important questions: by “committed”, would either of these involve the term “currently married” in the classical sense? And do either involve children? I ask because my advice will be nuanced accordingly. CM
  4. Please answer...

    Welcome to the forum, Hasan! You may find good answers to your question in the "Shoot the Breeze" or "Help/Advice" forums on the page. There are some pinned posts at the top of those forums and many people have also asked this question and received some really good answers. Honestly, it's hard to say for every situation, but at 16, you're a little young to start a relationship with her, especially if she's 20. I'd say you're at least two to four years away. Also, I do not know where you are or your family or religious background, and these definitely play a major part in how you should approach discussing this with her. If I had one piece of advice that's universal, I'd say treat her as your best friend and become her best friend by being a person she can talk to who listens. You have to be willing to listen to anything she talks about (even other guys) without giving any judgment or advice unless she specifically asks for it. I hope that helps give you some direction. God Bless & Best Wishes, CM
  5. Things have gotten complicated

    Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing! I hope I'm wrong, but I think LadyC may be right. There's no way of any of us knowing what's in his heart or mind. Possibly he's a little freaked out right now. Maybe he has much more long-term in mind but doesn't know what to do about that, given the confusion caused by being cousins. No doubt you're also feeling confused, even if he hadn't said what he did. Joining as you have is the most intimate thing a man and woman can do and, given the intensity and depth of your friendship leading up to that, it's bound to have deep emotional impact on you both. The only thing you can do is talk it through. I recommend long phone conversations. Not text. Not in person (lest you end up talking about it the same way you have already twice). And not just once. Talk about it, sleep on that conversation, and talk again. Wash, rinse, and repeat. There are really three conclusions: 1) for better or worse, you'll go your separate ways and it won't happen again; 2) you'll attempt to revert to the way things were before (which will fail); or 3) you'll end up married and having to figure out how to explain this to mom, dad, siblings and others. While that may presently sound shocking, don't be terribly surprised; a quarter of a century later, here my wife and I are as proof that it can work God bless and best wishes, CM
  6. Australian/Kiwi love stories

    Hi, Beth, and welcome to the site! I've seen a few folks from that part of the world come around here. I'm going to remove your email address and ask that interested folks DM you instead. Please see our posts in the Shoot the Breeze forum regarding media. We do have a strict policy regarding media solicitation and appreciate you reading that first. Best wishes! CM
  7. Important pt II

    I think LadyC may be on to something when it comes to the media. I'm definitely not that guy (for a lot of reasons, especially #s 2-4 - I'm over 40, overweight, Ginger, and don't care for television - done it and didn't like it... looked stupid). But in any case, yes, some meaningful media may be useful. To that end, perhaps we should take a different approach altogether... I'd be willing to invest some time building a WordPress for the "static" content and then we could use that same platform for a couple of articulate "bloggers" to write some real articles and publish them right here. As for the maintenance of the site going forward, I've considered whether we should/could start a non-profit foundation that would fund the site and other related educational activities, but those usually require a public-facing spokesperson and I'm not sure such a thing can legally exist with a totally pseudonymous board of directors. KC, the car mechanic analogy is a good one. This site is a labor of love but from my side of it, I think it's more like those really nice bushes that grow up in front of the windows of the house; they can look really nice if pruned and maintained but even when they get really shaggy and grow higher than the top of the windows, they're still alive. We're breathing, boss!
  8. Legal question for the state of Texas

    Wow! I really need to get out there and get to know more of my family. LOL!
  9. I am a lesbian and love my female cousin

    Willeke, which part do you believe is harder for your parents and family? That you're cousins or that your lesbians? I ask this with all sincerity because I honestly am curious about the dynamic and whether one "taboo" has greater influence than the other.
  10. Legal question for the state of Texas

    First cousin twice removed? I'm curious if that's a correctly calculated relationship since it usually implies a significant age difference (first cousin of a grandparent/grandchild of a first cousin).
  11. can parallel cousin Couples have a Healthy child

    The answer, as with all couples, is, "it depends". Do either of you, your siblings, or parents, display any negative recessive traits? As mentioned above, there is a slightly elevated statistical risk but the actual risk depends entirely on what's "under the hood". My wife and I are also parallel cousins to sisters and have two perfectly healthy children, but that's anecdotal. No matter who you marry or have children with, there are risks. That's part of life. How you choose to evaluate and mitigate those is up to you but you can never eliminate them all, no matter what. Best wishes, CM
  12. Is My Cousin Interested? (Am I?)

    That's cute. To say LadyC was "strawmanning" is to assume she was arguing in the first place; she was not. No one can possibly tell you what another person may or may not feel for you except that person but given your story, I'd say she does quite fancy you in at least one way. Having been 15 for about a year of my life (though admittedly many years ago), I'll just reiterate what every other person of age and relative wisdom has- yeah, it's hormones as the greatest driver. Whether not you agree with that is irrelevant; the tendency of the age is to disagree with that. It's a lot harder to understand the situation you're smack inside of. Finally, to the point of problems you may or may not be seeing, I'll grant this: relationships of our youth tend to be very rocky and short-lived. They feel like blessed eternity while we're going through them but then end rather suddenly. Its just the reality of "teen romance", or what my grandmother called "puppy love". With that in mind and fully understanding that relationships tend to go sexual a lot faster now than, say, 30 years ago, understand that such a relationship going south with a cousin in your teens can forever change your family dynamic. Even if everything is kittens and roses, at 15 (and 16 and 17) your parents and her parents get a veto vote on everything you do, including dating. If any find out and disagree (and at least one is bound to), all hell can break loose in the family, creating drama that lasts years and spreads into places where uncles and aunts and cousins you didn't even know exist will come out from under the woodwork just to tell you (and her) how wrong you are and often using most colorful language to do so. Just a heads up that you may want to prepare for.
  13. Is My Cousin Interested? (Am I?)

    Well that was very long! LOL Anyway, it's not "incestuous" - that word has a legal definition and in this case it does not apply. So now the "dad" side of me is like, "you're all too young for that (true story and I'll let others fill in why, especially for cousins and the problems that presents when it goes south for teens - take it slow)" and also, I'm not even sure I want to know how you would know anything about the plot of movies you're far to young to even know exist 😂
  14. Going to Jail?

    I remember the WI case very well. Except they were going by to charge the woman if she didn't testify against the man. It was extortion of sorts.
  15. Going to Jail?

    There is a lot that could be going on here. If the encounter was forced or coerced it would now be impossible to prove so a prosecutor may try for the lower hanging fruit - very easy to prove they are cousins and if she had his child, circumstantial evidence for the encounter is very strong. With that said, Inabsolutely think the charge should be dropped and vigorously fought until it is. I get that he has a long rap sheet, that there *may* have been coercion, and that he has already been convicted of a sex offense in the past (and failed to properly register). However, using something that shouldn't be a crime in the first place to snag him is an affront to liberty for law-abiding citizens.
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