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ColoradoMarried

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  1. ColoradoMarried

    A VACATION I WILL NEVER FORGET - Lots of Detail haha

    That's a pretty amazing story. Because you are now married, I don't suppose I have to caution you but will anyway - be VERY careful because your cousin is still in your life and you are still tempted. Your marriage is young and the real challenges to it are just around the corner. In those moments when you are frustrated or even furious with your husband and not feeling loved at all, you may feel tempted to talk with your cousin. After all, he is also a good friend and confidant. Unfortunately, that's also a recipe for disaster. He cares for you at least in some way and any advice he gives designed to help your marriage in that circumstance is almost certain to backfire and cause you to fall head over heels for him in some way. Of course, for as long as you can resist that and maintain a close and trusting relationship with your husband (and the fact that he knows actually reinforces that trust - bravo you because that's courage!), you'll also be able to hold these memories with some degree of fondness and I can think of a lot worse things Thanks for sharing, best wishes, and God bless! CM
  2. ColoradoMarried

    New to site

    Welcome to the site! What do you mean "first cousin through marriage"?
  3. ColoradoMarried

    Long Distance relationship with my cousin.. help!

    Well, this is what I get for reading too fast (skimming): I missed a lot of important details! Pooch, Romalee, and LadyC all picked up on this pretty quickly. Honestly, LadyC called it exactly what it is - an "emotional affair." So let's get to the root of what an affair is. First, this has nothing to do with the fact that he is your cousin. That fact only allowed the access and closeness for nature to take its course. You're a woman and he's a man and you have very specific needs that he was meeting. In this case, you need and crave the affection, the conversation, the apparent honesty and openness you share - all of this hits you in a place you just can't resist and you're head over heels. At that same time, he very likely finds you physically attractive, you admire certain things about him and presumably tell him so. Maybe you enjoy doing things together or have similar hobbies or like the same types of movies. If I'm right, it won't be long before he tries to persuade you to share some of those intimate moments online (FaceTime, SnapChat, etc.), because that will ultimately hit him in a similar place. Because of how he makes you feel, maybe you'll even agree - after all, you'd likely enjoy the rush of feelings. This is a death spiral for both of your current relationships or family situations and nothing good can possibly come of it. There are children involved and, though you're not married to the father of your daughter, you rightly see that you can't just up and leave where you are because you have roots there. He has children he likewise cannot uproot. Are your current relationships suffering? Yup. And they will continue to decay and rot and stink and fester until they eventually die if you don't turn the ship around. So, are your feelings normal? You bet! Normal and natural and very human. They're also destructive and wrong - not wrong because you're cousins but wrong because of the damage they'll cause and because their source isn't real (it's not that you love one another this way, but rather that you love the idea of what you wish your current relationships could and should be). The good news, now that I've rained all over everyone's parade, is that you CAN have a full restoration of your current relationship and have in that relationship exactly what you're experiencing in your affair. You really can! It will mean breaking off the affair, thanking one another for being there in a season of drought and doubt but understanding that you simply cannot continue any kind of private relationship going forward if you are to succeed in repairing your current one. I say this because you had a child with this man and he's still in your life. That usually happens because you actually were passionate for and about one another at some point. At some point, you called one another all of those cute names and used silly voices when you'd talk and all of that other mushy stuff couples do early on. You can repair that. If you're interested, I recommend a couple of books (or Audible books): 1) The Five Love Languages 2) His Needs, Her Needs Start with those and see where they lead. Best wishes and God bless, CM
  4. ColoradoMarried

    Long Distance relationship with my cousin.. help!

    As I read through this, the thing that stuck in my mind is his question, "are you sure you're okay with this" (or something like that - sorry, too lazy to scroll back up! LOL). I don't remember seeing anything explicitly stating that you're BOTH single. Is that the case? Are there any kids involved for either of you? If he's asking that, I suspect he's gauging to see if he can move this to the next level, which would probably be a lot more intimate, or at least as intimate as two people can be over remote distance. The Internet has certainly closed some of those gaps with things like Skype, FaceTime, SnapChat, WhatsApp, and the like. My only advice, if that is the case, is to be very careful with what you share of yourself and how. If you both have strong romantic feelings toward one another, I'd say continue exploring this through friendship. Develop a strong friendship and get to know one another much more deeply. What motivates each of you in life? What are each of your life's dreams and goals? How do you see things in terms of world view (politics and religion)? On what points do you agree and disagree? These things seem small and insignificant when two people are in that initial stage that feels like "in love" but they balloon into "irreconcilable differences" when not resolved early on. Distance is negotiable. One, the other, or even both of you may at some point decide that a relationship and life together trumps whatever you have that's keeping you in your current location doing whatever you're currently doing. But before you get to that point, exercise great patience and get to know one another on levels beyond what you presently think possible. Win, lose, or draw, in ten or twenty years from now, you'll be glad you did. Best wishes and God bless, CM
  5. ColoradoMarried

    Catholic marriage

    My pleasure. Just make sure that if you do go with the Anglican church, it's affiliated with the ACNA. They split from the Episcopalian churches in North America several years back as the latter decided to move to a much more liberal position on many subjects, including marriage, which make their once friendly relationship with the Catholic Church very strained to say the least.
  6. ColoradoMarried

    Catholic marriage

    This is a difficult situation because you are both "devoutly Catholic" and your hopes and dreams on this are in the hands of the Church. It may be possible to obtain a dispensation to marry but will take some time after finding the right priest in the right diocese. Were I a priest in WY, I might be very hesitant to provide the premarital work because it is illegal for you to marry there. However, in FL or GA, you may find more supportive priests, in part because it is not illegal in the eyes of the state. It does remain illegal in Church Canon Law but, again, dispensation may be possible. Should you decide to get a civil marriage anyway, you correctly assume that the Church will not recognize your marriage. I don't know how the Catholic Church views this through the lens of "ask forgiveness later" - can you get a later dispensation and then be married in the eyes of the Church? Great question! I suspect the answer is yes after much difficulty but only a priest in the Catholic Church can answer that with certainty. I can tell you this: I once married a couple, one a Baptist and the other a Catholic. I had to counsel them ahead of time that their marriage, performed by a Baptist minister, will not be considered valid in the eyes of the Catholic Church (both were previously divorced and the Catholic had also not gone through the appropriate Church annulment process). That was over six years ago and, while the bride has started going through Confirmation courses, I do not believe they have completed the necessary work to be married in the eyes of the Church. If you are absolutely intent on being married and will live as if married anyway, I would say check first with the Church and see if you can find a priest in GA or FL willing to do the work to get you the dispensation. Failing that, get married anyway. My first choice, were I in your shoes at that point, would be to see if a priest in the Anglican Church of North America would be willing to marry you. This way the rites are compatible and the ACNA has a generally friendly ecumenical relationship with the Catholic Church, which would be helpful later on as you seek dispensation for your marriage in the Catholic Church. I hope this helps a little. Best Wishes and God Bless, CM
  7. ColoradoMarried

    Help! My cousin and I are in love.

    Hi, PSPARTAN and welcome to the site! The whole time I was reading your post I was thinking, "just marry her" and then I saw your ages and hit the brakes a little. My best advice right now: slow down. You're still in high school and getting over that hurdle needs to be your first goal. The age difference is a bit of a concern for me right now as well. That will diminish in time but 16 and 21 is a world apart. 18 and 23 a little less so and 21 and 26 almost not noticeable. I'm also a realist, though. In two and five years from now, the whole foundation of your lives will have shifted. On one hand, that's the very point I'm making about age: there's a world of difference between who you and she are today and who you will be in five years, and especially in your case. If you head into a relationship now, it has strong odds of disaster. On the other hand, I can tell you that the difference between 35 and 40, while small in the eyes of the world, is still huge - you won't be the same person at the beginning and end of any five-year span. What will make or break your relationship, whether you got married right this minute or in ten years is how you both approach marriage itself. Why does it exist? What is your role and what is hers? Presently, your relationship works because you are mutual therapy partners. You sustain one another. That's awesome! Every relationship should be that way. On the other hand, it's a recipe for a future co-dependency disaster. Or you'll both grow out of these challenges as you grow into future better versions of yourselves (we should all hope for that for ourselves anyway) and if you don't have a clear other-than-self understanding of your relationship, you'll "grow apart". For her part, I think she has a little soul-searching to do but at some point she may have to realize that family only gets a small vote in this "'til death do us part" thing because they aren't going to be in that house, raising kids, paying bills, making life-altering decisions for you and your progeny. Naturally, if you and she are willing to let them do that (and if they're willing to do it) and you're both willing to pay the price in freedom and liberty that comes with it, by all means, go that way. But I've learned from experience that some family will "forgive" and come around and some will "disown" and you'll be best suited to evict them from your lives permanently (even parents and siblings). Let them know you love them and would prefer they reconsider but in the end, they get to decide whether to love you in spite of your decisions that they don't agree with and you get to decide whether to allow them to manipulate and run your life until one or the other of you dies. I hope that frames some perspective on this. Also, I want to conclude with this thought: you both are helping one another through this tough time but don't go this alone. You need to get professional (preferably sound spiritually-based) counseling. Life is hard and it can suck a lot but you need someone who can help you find a personal resilience to survive the storms and you can't depend 100% on each other for that; you will fight and when you do, what will you have to depend on? Best wishes and God bless, CM
  8. ColoradoMarried

    How do i get my cousin to have sex with me?

    LadyC was so much more calm than I was when I first read this. I'll have to give her major kudos for having much wisdom to see this through the right eyes. Okay, Ku, here goes: She's right. Sex is not a sport and if you treat it like one, you'll eventually have major regrets... and the ladies who play it with you will have even bigger regrets that none of you can see right now. Now, that aside, let's just suppose that my moral judgment on the matter didn't actually exist or have any basis in reality. Even so, as LadyC point out, sex with your cousin, whether for casual fun or as part of a serious relationship should be entered into with a lot more consideration than anyone else. A girlfriend, "hookup", fling, or whatever can be here today, gone tomorrow, and if you can both pretend there is nothing left over afterward (and if no children come to remind you) - well, that's all well and good and you can just pretend you never met. Not so with a cousin. She'll be part of your life until one of you is dead (and then some). There's just no way around that. Ten years later, you're both married and have kids and it's time for the larger family to get together for a holiday, funeral, or wedding. Guess what? You're both going to be there (or avoiding it because the other might be there) and you'll have to look each other in the eyes and know. Your future wife will know or may find out. Awkward. Trust? Nope. She won't have you spending a minute alone together and with good reason. Just. Don't.
  9. ColoradoMarried

    Consider Deleted.

    I guess I was writing this as you posted (I didn't notice the tab saying that until just now) but please understand that LadyC is being honest. She's not one to beat around the bush. It may come across as "judgmental", and I suppose on some level, it is, but truth be told, everyone is judgmental. It's just a question of whether their judgment aligns with your desires. In this case, it does not. You would be wise to heed what she's said and see it from outside the situation if at all possible.
  10. ColoradoMarried

    Consider Deleted.

    AzProctor, hi and welcome to the site. My initial reaction was to try to figure out the situation from a legal perspective as best I can and not being a lawyer. I know some states may have a "void" clause in cousin marriages and some do not; some permit sexual relationships but not marriage, etc., and I was curious about which state you might be in because it matters where the legalities of sleeping together or being married are concerned. For example, in Texas, you can be married as long as you are married out of state but cannot have sex. In Kansas, you can have sex but not get married unless you did so as out-of-state residents and then relocated there. In Wisconsin, they don't care when or where you were married and will throw you in prison for the rest of your natural lives for blowing a kiss at a cousin (okay, I exaggerate a little). In any case, I read what LadyC wrote and it shifted my perspective. I thought, "hey, dummy, remember that there are multiple human beings involved in this mess!" And she is dead on right. None of us can speak to the nature of your cousin's relationship with his girlfriend but it doesn't take a mind reader to know that the relationship will be strained by the presence of another woman with whom he has ever been intimate. That's just the nature of the beast and, truth be told, if your cousin decided to make you his girlfriend/wife, you wouldn't be thrilled about his current girlfriend continuing to hang around with him alone either. The reality is that you just cannot be a part of his life anymore. He needs to man up, marry this woman, promise to be forever faithful to her (and keep that promise), earn her trust, and fix his relationship with her. If she's a royal witch with a capital 'B', it will be up to him to re-earn her trust and show her the love that she can happily return. Unfortunately, that doesn't leave a lot of room for you in there... not even as "just a cousin". You've crossed a line, for better or worse, that cannot be uncrossed. It may have been with the best of intentions and out of the highest of love but the fact remains that it cannot be undone. It means you don't even talk privately at family gatherings and one or the other of you is ALWAYS in sight of other family members if that should come to pass. I understand that you got to where you are out of a sincere conviction of love. But you must - MUST - step aside and allow your cousin to try to develop and maintain a healthy relationship with the mother of his children. If only for the sake of the children, himself, and his girlfriend. Best wishes and God Bless, CM
  11. ColoradoMarried

    Please help I need advice

    Good catch, KC... I hadn't noticed this post before. My best advice would be to cross the border over into New Mexico and get married. Texas, last I knew, did not have a "void" clause for out-of-state marriages. I would be very surprised if Texas decided to punish two legally married people for having sex together.
  12. ColoradoMarried

    Mississippi Cousin Couple

    Obviously, family can complicate things a lot. If you are Mississippi residents and intend to remain so, you don't have much for choices as far as being legally married. Honestly, my best advice, if you're serious about being married (no idea how old you two are, so I'm going to assume both at least 18), you may do well to move to another state, take up residence there (get an apartment, get a driver's license, register to vote, get a job there) and then get married in that state. There are several states where you can do this. (SOAP BOX) Marriage is one heck of a commitment. Bigger than a tattoo, which is pretty close to permanent. Marriage is hard; two people making a commitment to be part of literally every aspect of each other's lives. Children may provide some common purpose around which to rally the marital partners but can also expose some serious differences in priorities and individual character. If you're committed enough to get married, you're committed enough to move to another state and start your new life together there. Heck, that's what saved our marriage in its infancy (and we married in a state where it was legal!). Getting over 1,000 miles away from the nearest family and having family who disowned us (so no calling home) actually forced us to learn to depend on each other, solve problems, live within our (very limited) means, "fight fair", forgive when we make each other angry, and ultimately build a much stronger marriage. Having mom & dad to run home to and cry and hear, "it's okay, baby - I told you that scoundrel was no good" may feel good but it's destructive to marriage. You must both evaluate whether you truly do want to be married - if you do, you'll want that more than anything mom/aunt whoever can ever stop. If mom or aunt so-and-so can stop you from getting married, you're not ready to get married. (/SOAP BOX) Some years after you've established a marriage in another state, if you just really want to move back to MS, consider your options then. If family remain a problem, maybe it's not such a great idea. I don't remember whether MS claims to "void" marriages from out of state residents who relocate there (versus residents who get married out of state to dodge MS laws); WI and AZ do, for example, and have no overriding case law that I'm aware of (KS has a "void clause" but has overriding case law). If MS does void otherwise legal marriages, you would be taking a risk moving back there.
  13. ColoradoMarried

    Please answer...

    You're going to have to be patient. I know, telling a 16-year-old to be patient is like telling a puppy to wait for a treat that you're holding six inches from its nose, but consider that picture. Right now, you're full of emotions, desires, and a desire to grab life and run with it. That's a VERY GOOD thing! However, I don't know where you are in life. In some places, 16 is old enough to get married, start a profession, and raise a family. In others (America and Europe), 16 is considered "childhood" and marriage is supposed to be set aside for after you complete your primary and secondary education (and many would argue, post-secondary as well, whether that be university, community college, or trade school). In my view, it's good to know what you want - I *knew* I wanted to be married from a very young age and it was just a matter of finding the "right" girl and doing the work to be a good husband. Of course, at 16, I had no *real* idea what any of that meant! My grandmother used to call the emotions I felt for girls in my youth, "puppy love". Yup! As I look back, that's exactly what it was (though the term used to irk me terribly). So, now let me get to your question: "How can I tell her?" Well, again, that depends on your own family and cultural surroundings. I would have been absolutely terrified to say such a thing to my cousin with I was 16 for fear of being utterly rejected AND humiliated before the entire family. I did, however, float the idea to her once when we were quite young (15 and 13) in the form of a joke - "you know it's legal for us to get married in New York?!?" At the time, that was the only state I had heard of where such a thing was legal and I truly did think it was a joke - had NO intention of pursuing that, even if I did find her cute as could be. Needless to say, she gave the expected, "ewww, you're gross!" and then we resumed whatever we were doing, picking on one another and just generally hanging out. Fast forward almost five years, when we were 20 and 18, and we actually had a conversation on the phone one night where we discussed boyfriends and girlfriends, as we usually did over the previous five years, and she asked if I'd ever wondered what it would be like to kiss her. Needless to say, that conversation escalated as we ended up asking one another a lot more questions than that. Over the years we had confided our deepest, darkest relationship secrets in one another. It turned out that we were each the "model" against which we always measured others and so, naturally, we had both wondered, on some level, what a relationship would be like, even if we supposedly knew it was impossible. When we next saw one another in person, it was a bit awkward but very "electric." Well, five months after that conversation, we were married! That's not to say that you will end up married to this girl of your dreams in five months but rather to say that the best approach to finding out *if* she finds you at all interesting in that way may be the subtle approach. Find out what she looks for in a boyfriend. What does she say the ideal man should be? Does the man she describes sound at all like you? Find out what you *should* look for in a girlfriend from her perspective and let her know that you think she's the ideal and you'd love to find a girl just like her someday. Does the ideal girl for you, from her perspective, sound at all like here? I haven't asked, but do the two of you come from families that you believe would be accepting of you getting married? In my case, the answer was an emphatic "no". Some folks on here are from families that not only support it but even encourage it. Others are in between.
  14. ColoradoMarried

    Things have gotten complicated

    Now that I have a brief moment to take this in and reply a little more carefully, I hope I can say something of use. However, it looks like LadyC said pretty much exactly what I would have said, so mostly, I'll just say, "what she said." At the moment, I suspect that you're experiencing so much confusion. The "makeout" session sounded like it was amazing - incredibly thrilling. The rest sounds like it wasn't quite as exciting but all the same, that probably has more to do with your emotions after the fact. If we were to take it pragmatically, the sex act itself can be anywhere between "meh" and "that was so incredible; am I even still alive?!?" with just about anyone depending on comfort, practice, familiarity, mutual effort, and emotional investment. So let's get past that because there's a lot more going on here. Your cousin has been an incredibly close friend for a very long time. He's someone you've known and trusted probably longer than you've known and trusted your boyfriend. So, now you're at a crossroads. In retrospect, you realize that your cousin was a fling and probably one that you should have avoided. It answered that question and fulfilled that fantasy that he shared with you (and that evidently provided you some degree of fantasy to indulge as well). It also, as LadyC pointed out, crossed a point of no return. First, you and your cousin have had sex, and like losing virginity, you don't get to put that back. For the rest of your lives, you will forever be two people who've seen one another naked, shared the most physically intimate moment a man and woman can share, and shared what is (at the moment) a secret so deep many people would never mention it to anyone they know. At the same time, any hope you may have had in being faithful to your boyfriend is gone. Of course, this assumes that you have always been faithful before - you didn't say but I'll give the benefit of the doubt - and assumes your intent is a "happily ever after", given the use of "committed relationship". This means that, if you and your boyfriend eventually have children, you will forever know that at some point, you had a moment of decision that led to a tryst outside of that relationship. Of course, this also assumes that you and your cousin didn't create any children yourselves. I don't say all of this as a point of shame but rather of reflection. With that now firmly in our minds, we must look to the future. What is done cannot be undone so the future is all that remains. You and your cousin both have a point of decision. If you truly do not believe you will end up together in your own cousin marriage happily ever after, I'm afraid LadyC is right: you are forced to break all ties with him; thank him for his friendship and for all that he has meant to you, but there are too many reasons that you cannot continue your friendship. First, no matter who you eventually end up with, that person must be able to trust you completely. The risk that at some point in the future, be it next week or in 10 or 20 years, you and your cousin end up in another tryst is just too great. It happened precisely because you have a close, deep, trusting relationship. You have a question about whether, when, and how to tell your boyfriend. If you carry this guilt in silence, it may cause you to act out against your boyfriend in ways you don't realize, and can manifest itself in either insecurity or, worse, more cheating (an ironic form of self-medication), until finally caught. On the other hand, you know quite well that if you tell your boyfriend, he will be hurt and may leave you. When he finds out who, he'll be even more hurt because he likely trusts your cousin to be alone with you and never see you in this light. And this says nothing of your boyfriend's view of sex between cousins (the "ick" factor). It's going to be hard. In my view, you have to completely break off your relationship with your cousin, lay out all of the cards on the table with your boyfriends, and move forward from there. Maybe you'll have a chance to repair your relationship with your boyfriend. Maybe not. However, you're young and no matter how this ends, you'll have learned some things that you likely could learn no other way. Sometimes, our character is defined less by the mistakes we make than by how we handle them. Best wishes and God bless, CM
  15. ColoradoMarried

    Things have gotten complicated

    Oh my! Things got complicated indeed! So this definitely changes approach and my earlier response a bit. I’d already guessed or assumed you were both around late 20s from language use but somehow didn’t think to ask about anyone else. important questions: by “committed”, would either of these involve the term “currently married” in the classical sense? And do either involve children? I ask because my advice will be nuanced accordingly. CM
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