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ColoradoMarried

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Everything posted by ColoradoMarried

  1. That's a pretty amazing story. Because you are now married, I don't suppose I have to caution you but will anyway - be VERY careful because your cousin is still in your life and you are still tempted. Your marriage is young and the real challenges to it are just around the corner. In those moments when you are frustrated or even furious with your husband and not feeling loved at all, you may feel tempted to talk with your cousin. After all, he is also a good friend and confidant. Unfortunately, that's also a recipe for disaster. He cares for you at least in some way and any advice he gives designed to help your marriage in that circumstance is almost certain to backfire and cause you to fall head over heels for him in some way. Of course, for as long as you can resist that and maintain a close and trusting relationship with your husband (and the fact that he knows actually reinforces that trust - bravo you because that's courage!), you'll also be able to hold these memories with some degree of fondness and I can think of a lot worse things Thanks for sharing, best wishes, and God bless! CM
  2. You're going to have to be patient. I know, telling a 16-year-old to be patient is like telling a puppy to wait for a treat that you're holding six inches from its nose, but consider that picture. Right now, you're full of emotions, desires, and a desire to grab life and run with it. That's a VERY GOOD thing! However, I don't know where you are in life. In some places, 16 is old enough to get married, start a profession, and raise a family. In others (America and Europe), 16 is considered "childhood" and marriage is supposed to be set aside for after you complete your primary and secondary education (and many would argue, post-secondary as well, whether that be university, community college, or trade school). In my view, it's good to know what you want - I *knew* I wanted to be married from a very young age and it was just a matter of finding the "right" girl and doing the work to be a good husband. Of course, at 16, I had no *real* idea what any of that meant! My grandmother used to call the emotions I felt for girls in my youth, "puppy love". Yup! As I look back, that's exactly what it was (though the term used to irk me terribly). So, now let me get to your question: "How can I tell her?" Well, again, that depends on your own family and cultural surroundings. I would have been absolutely terrified to say such a thing to my cousin with I was 16 for fear of being utterly rejected AND humiliated before the entire family. I did, however, float the idea to her once when we were quite young (15 and 13) in the form of a joke - "you know it's legal for us to get married in New York?!?" At the time, that was the only state I had heard of where such a thing was legal and I truly did think it was a joke - had NO intention of pursuing that, even if I did find her cute as could be. Needless to say, she gave the expected, "ewww, you're gross!" and then we resumed whatever we were doing, picking on one another and just generally hanging out. Fast forward almost five years, when we were 20 and 18, and we actually had a conversation on the phone one night where we discussed boyfriends and girlfriends, as we usually did over the previous five years, and she asked if I'd ever wondered what it would be like to kiss her. Needless to say, that conversation escalated as we ended up asking one another a lot more questions than that. Over the years we had confided our deepest, darkest relationship secrets in one another. It turned out that we were each the "model" against which we always measured others and so, naturally, we had both wondered, on some level, what a relationship would be like, even if we supposedly knew it was impossible. When we next saw one another in person, it was a bit awkward but very "electric." Well, five months after that conversation, we were married! That's not to say that you will end up married to this girl of your dreams in five months but rather to say that the best approach to finding out *if* she finds you at all interesting in that way may be the subtle approach. Find out what she looks for in a boyfriend. What does she say the ideal man should be? Does the man she describes sound at all like you? Find out what you *should* look for in a girlfriend from her perspective and let her know that you think she's the ideal and you'd love to find a girl just like her someday. Does the ideal girl for you, from her perspective, sound at all like here? I haven't asked, but do the two of you come from families that you believe would be accepting of you getting married? In my case, the answer was an emphatic "no". Some folks on here are from families that not only support it but even encourage it. Others are in between.
  3. Welcome to the forum, Hasan! You may find good answers to your question in the "Shoot the Breeze" or "Help/Advice" forums on the page. There are some pinned posts at the top of those forums and many people have also asked this question and received some really good answers. Honestly, it's hard to say for every situation, but at 16, you're a little young to start a relationship with her, especially if she's 20. I'd say you're at least two to four years away. Also, I do not know where you are or your family or religious background, and these definitely play a major part in how you should approach discussing this with her. If I had one piece of advice that's universal, I'd say treat her as your best friend and become her best friend by being a person she can talk to who listens. You have to be willing to listen to anything she talks about (even other guys) without giving any judgment or advice unless she specifically asks for it. I hope that helps give you some direction. God Bless & Best Wishes, CM
  4. Hi, Beth, and welcome to the site! I've seen a few folks from that part of the world come around here. I'm going to remove your email address and ask that interested folks DM you instead. Please see our posts in the Shoot the Breeze forum regarding media. We do have a strict policy regarding media solicitation and appreciate you reading that first. Best wishes! CM
  5. As a minister of the Gospel in the largest Protestant denomination in America, I'm curious which scripture, especially New Testament, they believe supports their notion that cousin marriage is wrong. CM
  6. ColoradoMarried

    Help

    Fourth cousin is basically same as the general population at large so "chances" of birth defects are not elevated at all. Of course, if you're concerned about anything specific that you two may share, you should ask a doctor. As for shame, honestly, I'm surprised you even know who your fourth cousin is! I'm lucky to know of my second cousins (met one once over 25 years ago). The rest are guesses on Ancestry.com. In your case, it will depend on any cultural particulars of your community and family but from the average American perspective, I'd say none. Finally, congratulations. Becoming a parent is the single greatest privilege on earth. Blessings, CM
  7. Welcome to the site be thanks for sharing your story. I wish I had a better answer but honestly it doesn't sound like it would end well for you if you did manage to get his attention again. Speaking as a man here, I think he is one of those men who is sweet as can be when he wants something and then discards whatever he uses. I believe he would only use you for seasons between other women. If he brought a girl home from a bar and let her think she is his girlfriend, he's a user of women and you should run from him. You can't fix him or make him grow up. If he just said that to somehow make you feel better about it and she really is his girlfriend, he was afraid to tell even you, making him a coward (and probably still a user of women) and you should still run from him. This also cannot be fixed by you. I know none of this is easy to hear. Right now, you have a lot of emotion invested in him and in a relationship you were hoping would be there. I can only recommend you find constructive ways to take your mind off of it. You should be treated better than this. Please do not put your self worth into this relationship because you are worth more. I wish you the very best success. CM
  8. My wife (first cousin) and I have two beautiful adult daughters who are both healthy and completely "normal" (whatever that means). They are both high achieving students attending an excellent private university with scholarships. We married very young, probably younger than I would normally recommend - both of our kids are older than we were. Do what we did and have an honest talk with your doctor. Ours told us the same statistics which now appear on this site and that was before this site (or any other) existed. Your doctor can discuss with you any specific risk factors and hopefully help put your minds at ease. Best wishes, CM
  9. KC... are you talking about the non-forum portion of the site? Let me see what we can do from our end to make it very "Google-friendly". I'll hit you up on the admin side. CM
  10. If you're really 9 and he is 12, what he is doing is wrong. You are too young and so is he. You need to tell your parents what he is doing so they can help you both understand why it is wrong and teach him what is right and what is wrong.
  11. KC explained that pretty well, especially where Jews and Muslims are concerned. Their view has the advantage of having not been influenced by the middle years of the Roman Catholic Church (which prohibited cousin marriage) and minimal influence by the Eugenics movement. Those two events had a significant impact on how Christians, and Western Christians in particular, view cousin marriage. For better or worse, culture influences how Christians interpret Scripture, as is evident in comparing American Christianity to Christianity in places like Iraq and Egypt (the oldest remaining sects that trace their lineage to first century missionaries).
  12. ColoradoMarried

    baptism

    Not being a Catholic, I don't know the rules regarding Church Canon. With that said, I do know that the Church takes a dim view of unmarried couples cohabiting, especially with children. They would very much prefer that you be married before trying to have a child baptized. The reason is that Christening, baptizing, and confirmation are all part of a process of training to understand and live within the doctrine and faith of the Church. If the parents are refusing to do that themselves, it means the child will be raised in a home that is divided and inconsistent. Likewise, if your cousin is Catholic and you are not, they would prefer that you go through the process of learning and ultimately Confirmation to become Catholic yourself. They view marriages between a Catholic and non-Catholic different than between two Catholics. As for your being cousins, yes, the Church will likely express some degree of frustration. With that said, assuming you are in a state where it would be legal to do so, you can apply for dispensation to marry... but I don't see that being approved if you are not both confirmed Catholics. When dealing with the Church, understand that priests are human and each will take a different view and treat you differently according to their individual attitudes and personal dispositions. If you are treated in a way you don't like by one, expect that another may be more gracious. Such is the way with all things human. I hope that helps. Best wishes, CM
  13. There's really no such thing as "disorganized religion". The very notion is contrary to human nature. We are social beings by nature so we naturally find someone we trust and gravitate in that direction. Alternatively, a few of us become leaders, for better or worse, and lead people in a certain direction. That can be political or religious. Can anarchy truly exist? No, not for more than about half a second. In that brief time, someone will decide to put their own spin on how anarchy should work and convince others of the same... thus ending anarchy and replacing it with some other political form, be it democratic, dictatorship, or some other form. Churches are no different. They are bodies of people. They are led, sometimes by great and humble people and sometimes by abusive egomaniacs. In some churches, there is backstabbing, nearly open adultery in the pews, gossip, slander, and all of those things the Bible cautions against. In others, there is great community, family, and rich faith founded in the Bible. In some, you're taught only what to think and in others, you're taught more about how to think. Some are Catholic, some are Baptist, some are Lutheran, and so on. What really matters most is whether YOU are willing to explore what you believe, why you believe it, and whether you're willing to live out those beliefs. If I walk into a church that is full of liars, adulterers, and gossips, that doesn't tell me that Christianity must be a bad thing or even that religion or organized religion is a bad thing. It tells me that people are people, whether they're in a church, a bridge club, or a knitting club. But in the church, it tells me that God must be incredibly merciful, forgiving, and faithful to allow such to have the opportunity of forgiveness and love for such an unmerciful, unforgiving, and unfaithful bunch. It also reminds me that it isn't about me or those people... it's about God. Salvation is not a gift for the believer, but rather believers are a gift from the father to the son... it's about Him.
  14. Ah, so, totallynormal, you acknowledge the logic that something must have been the uncaused cause - a point of origin. The rest becomes self-evident. That uncaused cause must logically be eternal, existing outside of time. It must be transcendent, existing outside of space (which is creation), it must be powerful (enough so to cause creation to come into existence), and it must be deliberate (creation happened because this creator wanted it to be so, not because it was accidental). As human beings with self awareness, we are enabled to observe certain things to discover the nature of the universe around us and, by extension, its creator. We have terrific scientific tools at our disposal, including archaeology, biology, and physics. We are enabled to make use of math, logic, and philosophical disciplines to study and understand these things. Careful examination with the goal of understanding the nature of the creator of this creation (I believe we've already established the necessity of a creator through logic) leads only one direction. So, then, the question was never really one about whether or not there is a God... but rather the nature of God.
  15. Exactly. I'm all for scientific exploration, scientific method, and evaluation of scientific evidence. But that wasn't my question. The question is ultimately about a simple one: cause and effect. The earth is clearly an effect in a long chain of causes and effects. The "big bang" may or may not be that cause (the evidence supports that it is), but the big bang is itself an effect of some other cause. Every effect has a cause but not every cause necessarily has to have a preceding effect (or cause). There can, and logically must be, at least one uncaused cause and a deeper philosophical study reveals that there can and must be exactly one and only one uncaused cause for the origin of the observable universe. One can call that "uncaused cause" God or anything else. The real question, once logic proves the existence of a creator, is to determine whether that creator is intelligent and deliberate or simply accidental, random, and unintentional. Naturally, a deeper study of philosophy is necessary to answer those questions (science is insufficient to answer these because they are and will remain beyond the reach of the scientific method, we must use philosophy). Conclusion: science is great and absolutely essential to expanding human knowledge of our universe, the world around us, and ourselves, but it has limits. Atheism may be convenient and offer some comfort by limiting itself to a particular field of study for its evidence but it fails the logic test and requires a greater leap of irrational faith than most other human religions. Most "Atheists" are really agnostics or deists who borrow the name "Atheist" (and in some cases conveniently redefine the term to avoid that problem). I'm curious how many folks truly believe they are "atheist" (note the difference in capitalization; the former use is more of a religion than most will admit) and how they rationalize that. CM
  16. I guess maybe 15 if a "crush" counts. Fell "in love" - 20. Got married later that year... the same year the first Web browser was invented (and before most people even had a computer to dial into AOL).
  17. I'm not sure how big a deal age differences and relative youth are in relationships in Hungary or Sudan - I know in the United States, 14/15 is pretty much off-limits for all adults and even with adults, we tend to look suspiciously at large age gaps. Granting for the moment that 15 is considered old enough in Hungary to make life decisions, and granting that the culture in Sudan or Hungary doesn't have much problem with large age differences, I would have to simply wish you both the best in your lives together and wish you a very long and happy marriage in Switzerland. Now, taking a more Western view toward relationships, I have serious concerns with any man in his 30s who sees a 14/15-year-old in a sexual or romantic light. From that perspective, it's predatory behavior that preys on innocence and relative inexperience for purely prurient desires. Youth aside, I still have concerns about the large age gap. At 18 years, you're nearly a full generation apart. Your life experiences (aside from you being raised in Europe and him being raised in Sudan) are going to be extremely different. How you relate to one another will be affected by that age gap, making it difficult for you to be truly equals in the relationship. It increases the odds of the relationship becoming abusive (physically, mentally, or emotionally) through dominance and manipulation. Other than that, my only remaining advice is to learn the language and integrate quickly. The Swiss aren't known for enjoying "outsiders" as permanent residents CM
  18. Hi, Jaybrooke, and welcome to the site. First, I must beg, please use paragraphs to make your post more readable. You'll get better responses. I usually don't read giant blobs of text. Too hard on my old eyes. :wink: So, if I read this right, you guys have been together for a year, give or take some months. I would say that you're awful young but then I'd be a total hypocrite - my wife and I were 18 and 20 when we got married, oh so long ago. We now have a pair of daughters your age (one older and one younger). I tell you this to give you some hope in a possible reality of a happy ending. I'll encourage you to both continue to get to know one another more as friends and closer. You've already crossed an incredibly intimate line together and there's no going back from that, no matter where you relationship ends. Please, just realize that what you're doing has a long history (about 10,000+ years) of ending in children. If you're not both willing to accept that responsibility, you need to give some very real thought to that. Not saying children are a bad thing - they're absolutely the best thing - but rather that you MUST accept the very real possibility. I hope your cousin is able to continue healing his old wounds. Best wishes, CM
  19. I'll be the first to admit that married couples "fall out of love" in the sense of love being a feeling. But that's not love. Those same couples, when they love unselfishly as an act, fall back in love and find love even stronger than they ever realized possible. "Falling out of love" is not sufficient Biblical grounds for divorce. I didn't ask what the Church says about annulment; I asked to know where your intent is Biblical. That's a big difference. I'm pretty familiar with the Bible and can't think of a single passage that can even be twisted to support such a fantasy. I don't pretend to know all of the rules under Canon Law for annulment but I don't think "falling out of love" is one of them. I do know that marriage between first cousins IS prohibited by Canon Law and requires specific dispensation. I can't imagine a priest or bishop who would approve of a divorce (annulment, tuna sandwich, or whatever you want to call it) only to turn around and grant dispensation for what amounts to an adulterous marriage (under Canon Law). Judgmental? Maybe. But I'm not just putting my own belief on it; I'm going with what's Biblical.
  20. Well, after your other post said to read your story, I did. Thank you for being so honest. I must say that I find your situation puzzling. Does her husband, Tom, know how you feel about each other? Does your wife (are you still married or did I miss something)? You mention that you both believe in God but you also seem to believe that God wants you to be together. I will say only this: instead of reading feel-good books by authors who twist logic and pop-psychology to make you feel good about bad decisions, read God's book and see what He has to say on the subject. Show me where it's Biblical for you and your cousin to divorce your spouses so you can be together. Show me where it's Biblical for you to lust after your cousin, the wife of another man. Trust me when I say, this is NOT God's intent for your lives. I hope that puts things into the right perspective. CM
  21. That's probably one of the saddest things I've heard all day, pepe. If that's really how you feel about love and relationships, I sincerely hope that your cousin continues to struggle (and struggles successfully) with her marriage because you don't deserve her or any other woman until you learn to be selfless with love as an action, not selfish with love as an object. CM
  22. I gave up on TV service a long time ago (before marriage). The thing mostly collected dust until our kids were in school and used it for school DVDs. Once they were approaching their teens, we finally started watching movies on it with DVDs. Today, my family does have a TV but no antenna or cable connected to it. We use Netflix and Apple TV for external content. Also been known to watch 30-minute long Cat Vines on YouTube :azn:
  23. Hello, Sassy Chick, and welcome to the site. Ordinarily, I am the first to encourage any adult cousin couple in their relationship... however, I do so with a keen eye toward marriage in any relationship. Since you are already married, I can only say that what you are going through is a world of confusion that can only lead to selfish destruction. My best advice, and it's not advice you are going to want to hear, is to immediately and completely break off all contact with your cousin. Tell him that it's over and can't continue because you need to focus on your marriage and your family (immediate family - husband and kids). You've made a commitment and I am going to hope that you love your husband and children enough to do what is right. I highly recommend you get the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley. Also consider his other book, "Love Busters". These may help give you some perspective that you can use to get back on the right track. Also consider "Real Marriage" by Mark & Grace Driscoll (note that Mark is a pastor and his writing reflects this). Depending on your husband's perspective and willingness to extend grace, it may or may not be too late to save your marriage but I highly recommend you try with everything you have. Best wishes, CM
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