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Ambra_Flows last won the day on August 15

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  1. If you're using a nick name, you shouldn't need to worry about your friends. Most people here want to talk on the forum. Post a specific question, and see if you get an answer.
  2. I think that makes you 2nd cousins. If I remember correctly, 2nd cousins are not biologically related. You would need to find out if you can marry where you live. If your family and culture are against it, that can be difficult to overcome. You might want to read more on that topic on this board. If there is a will, there is a way.
  3. Ask a family member that you can trust, who is familiar with the situation of your cousin not being related, and ask that person what you should do.
  4. Rob780, It sounds like she's still being controlled by her ex-boyfriend. She needs to completely let go of him, and perhaps get counselling on understanding abuse and what she can do to get rid of it. A women's shelter's outreach program would be good for that. She seems overly-worried about the 3rd cousin thing, so perhaps she has a strong desire to people-please. In the end, she has to decide if her life will be better with you, or without you. She has to decide whose in charge of her life, her ex-, her fears, or herself. But pressuring her into these decisions will probably just make things worse. If she will get counselling, that will help. Ambra
  5. Ambra_Flows

    What To Do...

    Dear Quentin, I empathize with your situation. I know some sociopaths. They don't change. I suggest reading books, and articles about sociopaths, to help you recognize the traits you see in your cousin. If your going to get back together with her romantically, you need to drop some of the typical romantic expectations that we place on our lovers. You need to accept her behaviours, and be willing to tolerate her. You need to accept her as she is. So you need to gauge how bad are her behaviors? What is the worse thing that can happen? Fortunately for me, the sociopaths that I know, I'm not romantically involved with, which makes it easier to accept them as they are, and try to handle them, or work around them. I have no personal needs that I want them to fulfill, which is usually the case in a romantic relationship. Things I've observed about myself and life as a result of all my relationships is that when we get married, or common-law, etc., we subconsciously place expectations on our spouse. We expect them to be smart, honest, trustworthy, and a helper to name some of the big ones. If you are financially dependent on that spouse, that can put you in a bad situation, if the person is not honest and trustworthy and dependable. So you do not want to depend on her for anything. You need to put together a Plan B for you if things don't work out. I've read that sociopaths and psychopaths can mellow out some as they get older. The main sociopath I deal with has mellowed out now that he's in his 70s somewhat. But he still does sociopathic behaviours on me, and I still have to deal with them, tolerate them, try to work around him, etc. It would be much harder if we were romantically involved. If you're trying to handle a sociopath, you can't usually tell them you're doing that, because they'll get defensive and argue, even when they're very wrong. You want to do things that will avoid them abusing you. And you need to stand up to them if they are abusing you. For example, sometimes my sociopath will start minimizing something he's done to me, and I tell him that he doesn't know how (whatever it was) effected me, and he has no right minimizing the pain he caused me. If you stand up to them, sometimes they'll back down on an abusive behaviour. There are things you can say and do to lessen their abusive words and actions towards you. Learn what abuse is exactly. I read books, but I never really learned a good definition for abuse until I went to a women's shelter years ago and took one of their outreach programs. Because a women's shelter is on the front lines of abuse, they don't mess around with flowery words. They get right to the point. What I learned from them about how abuse works, was much better than any books I had read on the subject. And you need to learn about how abuse works, because sociopaths abuse the people around them. If you know how abuse works, it will help you NOT make their abuse personal, so that it hurts you less in the long-run. And you need to have your own head on straight. If for example, you're suffering from abuse you've received earlier in your life, you will be more vulnerable to someone who abuses you. I can see by what you wrote, that you're still in a lot of emotional turmoil over your cousin-love. If you associate with her in any fashion, take things slowly, perhaps don't live with her right now. Be her friend, if you want to, but have some time away from her in order to keep your strength up. These are tips. There are no easy solutions to intense cousin-love or dealing with a sociopath. Keep in therapy if it's helping you. God Bless, Ambra
  6. LOL ... so more of the same ... so my response to you would be what I already said to you
  7. Reading your last post, it sounds to me like your condescending to us. We know all your points before you made them. Most of us have been here a long time. You got called out on your post and now your back-peddling. Don't come looking for help, when you don't actually want any. And there was nothing humorous about your title. Ambra
  8. Your plan sounds good. So what makes you hesitant? What is that nagging voice that puts doubts in your head, that made you come here? There must be something. And living a secret romantic life, could get old quick. If you're very private people, that might help.
  9. You've basically said nothing, because you didn't provide any detail, only your impressions and conclusions. But even if you did tell us the whole story, everyone experiences everything differently. No two romances of any kind are alike. I don't think a general warning will change anything. It's like saying you could get run over crossing the street. And the people that hear that warning will cross the street anyways because they think their experience will be different. For sure, the damage in a cousin-romance can affect the whole family, as you allude to. But people write in here, with different stories to tell about that, and many are positive. In my family, besides me, we had another cousin-romance. The couple lived together for 12 years, and when they broke up, the man moved away from the family and cut them all out of his life. The family at large was kept out of their fallout. For my cousin-romance, my cousin-love died decades ago, but the relationship did no lasting damage to our family when he and my other relatives were alive. Everyone can tell a different story. Best of luck to you. Ambra
  10. Ambra_Flows


    Does she know about the cousin-marriage facts? You need to learn them first from this website, and then discuss the issue with her. If she has no information on cousin-romance to counteract her concerns, then it makes sense that they will get to her after a while. Best of luck Ambra
  11. Whatever you think will work for the moving in thing. Good luck.
  12. My answer was in the post that you responded to. There are no simple solutions to a case like this.
  13. You wrote: "At a recent family reunion, I asked about the first wife and the coincidence in her having the same name as I do. This sent him off the rails , in a spitting nails fit of cruelty and rage, directed at me." I would be concerned about his reaction. I've known people who go nuts over a simple question. He may be a very abusive person, who does not communicate effectively. That should be your main concern. The rest of what you've written, just sounds like this is all your perspective, and none of it his perspective towards you. Going by what you've written, I would NOT pursue a relationship with him.
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