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Hawk

Moderator
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Posts posted by Hawk

  1. Roma,

     I think the one killed on the bike was Dale, and I saw her profile the other night after I posted this, and got curious. Now, I can't remember it again...LOL Sux getting old.

     I want to think the other young girl that was gone by the time I got here could possibly be the one from the other couple in that video, but something in my memory isn't clicking it fully. I do know her/their family reaction was similar. I just want to think for some reason the girl I'm thinking of was either in school to be a teacher, or had just became a teacher. I think she may have actually came here and posted a "Hi All" once or twice after I was here, but I didn't get in on it. I'm pretty sure the one I'm thinking of was on a lifetime profile of some sort. There may be a link in the TV/Videos section. I've just not went all the way back, and a lot of posts have been lost to updates. I know all of my original posts are gone.

     

  2. OpenUmbrella,

     I've not watched TV for 7 or 8 years now, to any extent. I don't have one hooked up to antenna or cable/dish, only a DVD player, and I've not had that on in months. I've been away from here for the better part of 4 years now, so, I had no idea this Dr. Phil thing was in the works. I think a couple from here may have ended up on it, but I'm not sure. As I say, I've only heard it was a farce, and that certainly does not surprise me in the least.

     I suppose the worst incidence was the Tyra Banks episode. True bait and switch. We had a couple go on there, and they were pummeled. I knew what Tyra was up to. They saw an opportunity to educate. THAT didn't happen. I did my best to discourage them. I all but begged them. They went on anyhow. They came back quite disheartened and shocked. I was heartbroken for them, but NOT surprised, more less shocked. I vowed after that that I would be as forceful as my presence around here would allow, (which was considerable at the time) and do everything in my power to NOT have it happen again. Once I became a mod, I carried a little more weight, but tried to not push it around, other than being very vocal about trying to prevent it from happening again. For the most part, until this Dr. Phil thing, it hasn't.

     I am being very harsh with Trevor. It ISN'T anything personal. At the same time, if you are trying to convince us you are legit, you had damn well better start by playing by OUR rules when you come here. The ToS is pretty clear, but, I will assure you, I WILL lobby for further clarification of it to cover (I'm assuming Lifetime or similar?) scouts.

     On that topic: There HAVE been a few selected instances where couples from here WERE given a reasonably fair shake. I never interacted with the girl, because by the time I got here, RL had set in, and her and her cousin were not as active as, she especially, had been. I don't even recall her username. LadyC, KC, and RomaLee would though, I'm sure. At any rate, she was young. Just out of college by the time the show aired. It was on Lifetime, not really a "reality" thing, just a series of segments of unusual love affairs. It was tastefully done, and informative. No studio, Springer audience, or "gotcha's". Their tale told honestly, IIRC filmed walking in a park of some sort, then genetic, religious, and historic facts presented accurately.

     Another was LadyC's experience with John Stossel on his show. It use to be posted, but, I think it was removed from Youtube and the link is dead now, but, you may want to look in the "TV/Movie" section. At any rate, again, tastefully done, and informative. I wouldn't really expect any less out of Stossel. He didn't disappoint, and, I know LadyC has mentioned more than once it was a good experience.

     We also had a couple maybe 6 years ago or so, maybe a little longer, who did a reality series on Discovery or A&E if memory serves. I was skeptical. I wasn't TOTALLY wrong, but, overall I suppose it wasn't as bad as some of the others. They did have some family drama that the series played up, and I am pretty sure the show didn't really help that part out. That's why I was so irritated with Trevor going to Peaches, when her teenage son is obviously having trouble wrapping his head around it. Anyhow, back to the hero's of our saga here. If she was still around, I would readily welcome her perspective. But, sadly, so far as I know, she is gone for good. Either during filming, or very shortly thereafter, her cousin, love of her life, was killed on his Harley. We wished her our deepest heartfelt condolences, and she bid us all adieu. I can't recall her user name either, but I'm sure Roma and LadyC could tell you.  A sad enough tale, but perhaps she has footage saved she can look back on with a melancholy smile these days. So, perhaps an overall positive experience long term.

     IF I knew Trevor really WAS up to something more cerebral such as that, and IF this would not further strain Peaches already strained relationship with her son, and that it WOULD be at least a 51% positive experience, I would still recommend treading lightly, but, dip your toes in if you dare. But, always remember, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.... These others promised an honest, factual, "taboo-breaker", and ratings (no pun to Maury intended) said "That was a lie." 🙄

     Here's the clip with Stossel actually. It is still working...

     

  3. Trevor,

     I only approved this post so I can reply to it openly.

     You are absolutely correct that no amount of assurance about your intent will change my mind. Don't blame me for not believing you, don't even blame you. Blame your industry who have been consistently dishonest for decades. And, from everything I see at the moment, is only getting worse. 

     Here's what REALLY has my dander up, and why you are getting bit by me. You come in here, you do NOT read (or if you do, you ignore) the ToS, and the part therein about media. You just jump right in and start soliciting. THAT ALONE comes VERY close to the banhammer out of me. And I can. And I will. I've seen me do it for much less. 

     So, here's the bottom line Trevor. You WILL read and abide by the ToS. Before any more of your posts will be approved, you will have permission from either KC or LadyC. You can find them at the top under the "Browse Forum" tab. You will also notice while you are there, the ToS. You will find this at the top, before you even get to the standard ToS for posting.
    "MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA: if you want to interview people for a radio, TV, or magazine or newspaper article, please contact a member of the administration via private message. Provide us with the pertinent information, and preferably a link to some of your previous works, or to a previous broadcast. If we determine that your show might be more beneficial than harmful, we will respond and let you know. If you post a request without our approval, it will be removed. "
    You will also note I didn't just remove your post. I don't necessarily like making people into my whipping boys, but I get very close with media. This statement is in there for a reason, and it isn't Dr. Phil. He's just the latest culprit. 

     As I said, your future activity here will hinge on you having a conversation with either KC (owner) or LadyC (admin.). I will also tell you that you may be a while getting a full hearing from either. You may have tried and they just haven't got back with you. I can't help that. Boss has a full plate with the passing of one of our other mods, and LadyC has became more busy IRL and is not as active as she once was. It may take a while. I don't have either of their phone numbers, though I can get in touch, and will most likely be sending word to expect to hear from you. If you check out, they will approve your posts, and, as a rule, in their own thread, say they have vetted you, you check out, your contact info, but with our still standard "buyer beware" disclaimer. At that time, you can fully well expect me to discourage members from participating. It is my view from out here in the cheap seats, and it doesn't really seem to have stopped them yet, but when they came back in here whining, I had my vindication. Not that it made me feel any better being right. Quite the opposite actually.

     I will also tell you that you may be a little late. Activity here, at least new memberships have fallen off since we've had to start charging a nominal fee for membership. Hosting and software isn't free at this level of desired privacy. If they vet you, they will post your contact information, and I'm assuming, allow you to post replies and send PM's without further consequence. You will not be able to start a topic without paying the membership and joining however.

  4. Trevor,

     I'm only going to tell you this once. Leave this site, do not contact our members, and never return here. No member here has ever had any sort of a good experience in the last 10 years, and they will not have a good experience with you. You will exploit them. You will never present the facts on religion, genetics, or legalities factually.

     I have encouraged members to NOT get involved with the likes of you in the past. Some of them have. To a couple, they have ALL been exploited in sensationalized BS programs making them out to be some sort of stereotypical hicks. You may claim your intent to do otherwise, but your corporate ratings managers will overrule what little, if any, good intention you may have. I will be sending a PM to Peaches myself to discourage her as vehemently as I can from any interaction with you. If you persist, I will smack you with the banhammer. My other mods may chastise me over this harsh public rebuke, and that is fine, as I really don't care. You will see my tag as being the resident junkyard dog. I will bite, and take my lumps later from Boss if I have to. I have promised myself that I will never allow our members to be used in such fashion EVER again. And I mean it.
     

     I don't want to hear 'Oh this will be different. We want to break the stigma, blah, blah, Bullsh*t" I can link you to damn near verbatim posts such as yours, in which members have bought the line, and been abused. Everyone from Tyra to Dr. Phil have done it. And yet "You're different". BS. Not going to happen. Sorry if I, (and dare I say WE) don't believe you. Stossel was the last unbiased look at the topic, and that's been a while. You are not Stossel. He knows who and how to contact this place. 

     Again, leave this site, and do not come back. Our members will not be fodder for your ratings. Forget it. Go to Reddit. I have no privileges there, and they would fit your bill better than our good members here. 

    • Like 1
  5. flubbergasted,

     At 25 and 21, and having the history you do, you two are plenty old enough for "The Talk." It's well past time to spill your real feelings. Both of you. You're either on the same page, or your not. But, not knowing is causing you pain, and her too most likely.

     Now, to your bigger issue. Having been here a while, and picking up nuances, I'm going to assume you are from India. It's the only place I know of that cousins consider each other brother and sister. Emotionally, and culturally, I get it. Genetically, BIG difference. Legally, not so much, assuming you are Hindu. If you are Christian or Muslim, there are different Marriage Acts there that cover it, and first cousins CAN legally marry. Getting family to agree, other than Muslim family, is probably NOT going to happen, and, Hindu, certainly not. Unless you are cross cousins in the South of India. Then, it's legal, but, if it isn't traditional in your family, it's not going to happen. I don't know so much that you would go to jail, but, I have heard of family violence.

     A little more information, as in if you are in India, cross or parallel cousins, and so forth, and we'll see if we can go into options from there.....

  6. Holy crap Boss,

     I knew I hadn't heard from her in a few days, but I had no idea she passed. I'm so sorry to loose her. She always seemed to have some word I needed to hear at the right time. Other times, we would just talk about nothing. I just looked, and the last time we talked was two weeks before she passed, so, three weeks ago. It doesn't seem like it's been but maybe a week, but, the phone says that was the last time we talked. I will miss her, that's for sure....

     And, yeah, time to focus on your well being, having done your part for her.

    • Upvote 1
  7. Praveen,

     If I'm doing the math correctly, the two of you are second cousins, and, so far as we know, you are correct, and second cousins are allowed legally everywhere we know of. That does not mean you may not face some societal stigma, especially being Hindu, and, I will assume, in India. But, legally, I do believe you are correct......

     

  8. Oh wonderful. looks like another Tyra blind side hit piece. From here on out, if I see a producer in here asking for "volunteers", I am going to reply to NOT be looking for victims here, and that they will be smacked with the banhammer if they ignore me. I am beyond sick of good people being used in these hit pieces for ratings. I'll not be a party to it, and I'll not allow our members here to be further abused by these scallywags. 

     

     If you are a producer, or from a production company, consider yourself warned........ the junk yard dog is back.....?

    • Upvote 1
  9. FreeSpirit,

     Since this was double posted, I deleted the copy.

     Now, as to advice. You will find this community to be very supportive of cousin relationships, UNLESS one or both are married/in other relationships. Our advice is going to be to stop the shenanigans with the cousin, do everything you can to salvage your marriage, and should that NOT be possible, divorce BEFORE continuing to carry on with your cousin. Kinda the TL/DR version of our standard donation to this sort of party, so don't be surprised if this is elaborated on by others.....

    • Like 1
  10. Kathleen01,

     I'm just recently back here as a mod. I'm not going to remove your link on the chance you are legit. The site has made upgrades to drastically reduce the number of spam accounts that were made to elicit money from sponsors. This post reminds me of the ones I use to whack. I'm going to leave this for now, seeing as you seem sincere, and at the very least have jumped through all the right hoops to get here.

     That said, the site is also coming from a Christian perspective, and, some are not going to agree with the lifestyle. My personal opinion is irrelevant. My belief is, my skeletons probably outweigh yours, and I shan't be throwing stones.

     Your relationship is generally going to be like any other of that nature, with the added twist of your interest being a cousin, of whom it would seem, there is at the least a mutual fondness. The key is going to be the same as a hetero relationship, in that honest conversation is going to have to happen. Your feelings may be reciprocated, or you may get shot down, the same as any other two cousins discussing these matters, as you will find in many threads here.

     I will tell you this: If this IS legit, and you DO go to that site looking for advice, DO NOT be surprised if you are not met with the same aversion to cousin relationships as you find in the general population. Yours would not be the first case of the LGBT community frowning upon cousin couplings. Hypocritical IMHO, coming from a community screaming for "tolerance". Go ahead if you wish, but you will be better served in taking the leap and having "the talk" with your cousin, and finding out if the possibility of a relationship is there, or, it is unrequited....

  11. Thanks Y'all.

     This is the first time I've been back to the site since Boss told me I was a mod again, like it or not. At the moment, I don't really see myself getting as involved as I once was. A lot of things have happened which drastically changed my perspective on love and relationships. I will most likely continue with my "broken record speech" to younger members, as I still feel it is sound advice. I have tempered it a bit, and won't be so focused on degrees from college, ( nothing wrong with that, provided it is for something other than basket weaving) and will emphasize equally certifications which have the potential to be as, or more, financially and personally rewarding.

     I'm also going to poke around and see if I can still do my "junkyard dog/banhammer" thing if needed. I took great glee in ridding this place of spam accounts back in the day. I've never mentioned it, but I have a friend with the No Such Agency who sat and watched me play whack-a-mole with them one night. I don't think I've ever seen her laugh so hard, while at the same time saying "How in the h*ll did you do that???" ???

     Anyhow, I'll poke around in here, pipe in from time to time, and try to carry some small piece of the load.....

    • Like 1
  12. Reach,

     At 31 and 48, you two are fully adults, and able to make your own way without permission from anybody. That said, the sneaking around can initially be quite exhilarating. It sounds as though this has been going on long enough that the exhilaration has worn off, and the hiding is becoming tedious. For older cousins such as you two, I've recommended before to not tell them anything, let the visual speak. If they see you two together all the time, and that the two of you are happy together, it will take the edge off to a degree. But, not totally. Eventually, you will get the nosy relative who probably has control issues poking their nose in your business. It really is none of their business though. I have a saying I've not had to use in a long time, because my family and friends know it's coming if they pry a little too deeply. I say "You mean I didn't tell you?" They USE to say "Why. NO. " I would then say "Well it must not be any of your business then." Now, some people will just look at me and roll their eyes, but, i can't remember the last time I've had to shut down a busy body like that. I do realize not everyone is quite so bold as to risk tweeking family and friends so strongly. For now, I would just be seen together, and if ask, say "Hey, we enjoy each others company, and there's no drama, so, we're just going to enjoy hanging out together." If they get more personal than that, it would be the time to let them know that's a little too inquisitive on their part.

     

     The only other real concern I would have is if it is legal where you are. You should probably be figuring that out first, If you've not already. For a time, I was a mod, and had the ability to have a little peak, only to determine which State or country our members were in. Not being nosy, it wasn't like I was going to find street addresses or such, because I wasn't going to send Christmas cards....LOL I would just look to make sure you weren't going to get in a bind legally. You can check here: https://www.cousincouples.com/?page=states

     So long as this is not an issue, I would say proceed as you would with any other relationship, other than being perhaps a little more discrete until the "newness" of people seeing you together wears off. As consenting adults, you can make your own relationship decisions. Do not let drama stop you...

     

  13. I really enjoyed my time as a mod, but, I'm not sure I'm up to it again. I had kinda fell by the wayside as it was when the mods were dropped. In fact, it was probably some amount of time before I logged in and realized I didn't have the mod stuff available. Life really got in my way along about that time, and, my whole outlook on relationships has changed, cousins or not. 

     With that being the case, I'd feel either kinda hypocritical or half- hearted if I were to get as active as I once was, and start doling out advice. I always got some kudos for my advice, but, I've always tried to say it isn't that I'm good at what to do, but, I'm getting damned good at what NOT to do. That list HAS certainly grown since early 2016.....LOL

     Plus, I'm off right now, but, I've put myself into a position to travel and make a boatload of $$$. I may even end up down in your neck of the woods. There's a LOT of this work going on down there right now. I've got a notepad I can get on here with, and would probably get a laptop. But, having the time, in a motel or camper or whatever accommodations I come up with, would probably be tedious. I will keep in touch, and if it looks like I might want to do the junkyard dog thing again, I'll let you know. I REALLY enjoyed playing whack-a-mole with the spammers, bots, and BS accounts..... ???

  14. Skyris,

     Be cordial with the family as you always have, and civil with the ex when you are in her presence. There is no need for the family (the ones who do not know) to ever know, and there is no need for you to communicate with the ex. Go no contact, and only show common courtesy when in her presence. She made that decision for you, knowing you would be devastated, and doing it anyhow. Now, she might like to assuage her guilt by trying to remain friends, not realizing, or not caring, that doing so causes you further pain. Move on, find someone who WILL fight for you, keep the family in your heart, and pray she finds what she wants too. But, if she let one good thing slip away, she'll do it again, or settle for lesser. Just remember though, that is NOT your problem, it's hers. Bed Made Lie. 

     

  15. Bbb_jj,

     First off, if the family is Catholic, then they are Christian, and, if they TRULY believe the scriptures, there is nothing in there prohibiting it, and many accounts of it, and nearly as many accounts of it actually being commanded by God. If they refuse to believe THOSE scriptures, they are hypocrites, and may as well throw the whole Bible out.

     THAT SAID, for reasons I don't really have time or inclination to go into here, the Catholic Church HAS taken a dim eye on first cousin marriages since the 12th century or so. BUT, you can request a dispensation from the diocese, and be married in the Church. If you show up with a dispensation from the diocese, what are they going to say? Will they argue with the Bishop? Because that's who they will have to cry to about it. I REALLY doubt they want to argue with the Bishop. 

    ALL OF THAT SAID, this is only if you are where first cousin marriages are legal. I use to be a mod, and as such, had privileges which allowed me to have a little peek at IP numbers and get a general idea where our members and guests were, (unless you were on certain wireless broadbands, or running a proxy, in which case I couldn't be assed to dig deeper) and would counsel further from there. But, I no longer am , and it's just as well. I don't have the time to put in like I use to. At any rate..... PROVIDED IT'S LEGAL IN EITHER YOUR OR HIS PLACE, (Hint Hint at where the two of you want to domicile) you CAN get a dispensation from the diocese, get married by, and in the eyes of, and with the blessing of, the Church, and have a houseful of kids if you so choose. Tell the family you are going to do it right, and they can argue with the diocese, because YOU are NOT going to listen to error on their part....

  16. anonymouc,

     I knew it. I knew her parents had brought it up, even if not fully consciously. They see you as a fine young man, and the wheels started turning. THAT, in turn, started the wheels turning in the REST of the family's mind. You need to SLOWLY start working on the communication. Play a little coy, and don't be too overt with your full feelings, but you will do very well to check on her progress at school at least weekly. After the first few times, try to set a time on the weekend, where both of you would be available to chat for a few minutes, considering the time difference. Something like early morning for you, evening for her, or vice versa. But, figure something out. Maybe Skype, I don't know, I've never used it. But, let her know that if she's not heard from you in a while, feel free to contact you too. And, to let you know if something big happens. (Acing a big test or some such) Let her know if some big step comes your way too. Just keep in touch, stay up on what's going on in each other's lives, and let it play out. You've got a lot more going for you than most. That doesn't mean it's set in stone, so, keep your options open should it not happen. But, I have a feeling that eventually, she's going to be getting she same treatment from her side of the family as you have been. She will want to make them happy, so, she will consider it. You don't want to push her, you want to draw her to you, if that makes sense. I look for her to mention the family talking to her first, BUT, that could be some time in coming. Just say "Yeah, I've heard it on my end too." And then let her go into what she thinks about it. This could be a year or two in the making, or, if they see you two communicating well, they could speak with her sooner. YOU just have to take YOUR time, and let it come to YOU, if it's going to happen......

  17. anonymouc,

     I'll venture a guess that SOMEBODY, or several of them, HAVE at the very least mentioned it to her parents. If not, it might be time to let them in on it, because if they aren't already in on it, and might not be quite so crazy about the idea, find out now while there is time for the rest of the family to convince them.

     I'm not real sure about the flowers either. At least a bouquet. Might be a little over the top. A single rose, or perhaps a modest necklace? Nothing too over the top. I do agree you should keep in touch. Have the two of you talked any since the trip? If not, you should, and if so, keep it up. Again, don't go over the top with it, blowing her phone up constantly, but a text or two a week would be fine. You can make it more than that when and if SHE starts contacting you more than that.

    All in all, I'd say you'd better get cracking on this career thing.....?

  18. anonymouc,

     If your grandmother is encouraging it, all the better. The elders are usually afforded more respect of their opinions.

     As to me and mine, I've went into it many times over the years here, but, it's been a really long time since I've been a regular, and the whole story has been lost to various updates of the site over the years. Even though it's long, it's pretty anti-climatic. I'll go through it though, just to sort of get it back out here.

     So, we are second cousins. Our grandfathers were brothers, and the best of friends. My mother was an only child, and her mother may as well have been. (Her Mom had an older half brother who was in the Navy by the time they were 10-12 yrs old or so) As such, they grew up together, and in a lot of ways were more like sisters. They still are. They drive each other crazy sometimes....LOL They shared a good amount of time together as kids. Our grandpas' youngest brother (the "cool" uncle to them) taught them both to drive. So, they were close, and still talk fairly regularly. At any rate, her mom had a daughter at a fairly young age, but a bit later, married a different man, and they had the cousin I'm very fond of. And, at the same time, my mom had me. They were pregnant at the same time, and we were born a week to the day apart, me being born first. We just turned 56. 

     When we were very young, her dad got a very good job, and they traveled the world. He worked about 3 months out of the year in the Middle East, and they traveled Europe and the Middle East when he was not working. I was always in our small Midwest town. I vaguely remember meeting her and her sister when we were about 5 or so, at her grandpa's place, about an hour away from here. I didn't see them again until we were about 10 or so. We once again went to their place, (since they were back in the States, in her dad's home town, not far from her grandpa's town) and were more formally acquainted. Our Mom's enjoy busting our chops, and I guess it started on that trip. We were playing, running through the house, and they called me and her over to their table. They said "M, tell him your birthday, and Hawk, tell her yours...." So, we did. It took a minute, but in pretty short order, we figured out that our birthdays were one week apart. From that minute on, we were favorite/"best" cousins. Our Mom's started whining about how hot it was the summer they were pregnant with us, and all sorts of other drama, so, we just went back to playing, and didn't listen to the minutia of it all. It didn't matter to us anyhow, we were having fun.

     Along about that time, her grandpa was in the process of retiring, and bought our great grandma's house from my Mom and Dad. We had bought it, but, bought a bigger two story house across the street. ( I have two younger brothers, and Grandma's place was getting "cramped"...LOL) So, her grandma and grandpa sort of half moved down to our town. Along about the same time, her mom and dad got divorced. Just before her grandpa fully retired, he was tragically killed in an auto accident. After that, her mom and the girls moved into the house across the street with their grandma. From that point on, we became close. Almost to the point of siblings. To this day, we refer to them as our "sisters", and they to us as their "brothers". We all played and had big fun. There were no real "romantic" inclinations between us, as we were kids, and I actually had the "kid crush" on her older sister.....LOL Probably part of my chasing older women for years, but THAT is a whole OTHER set of skeletons I'll not be dragging out in the daylight here....???

     That said, eventually, we bought a farm out in the country, they moved to a different house, and we didn't see nearly as much of each other. We were both kinda "party animals", and when I was back in town in the home town, our circles overlapped a little, so, we'd bump into each other on occasion. After High School, I got a house back in town. I ran with an older crowd, and so did she. She got a BF several years older than her, and one of the guys I ran with pretty hard was his brother. So, we'd see each other from time to time. At the time, (we were 20) I was bouncing between a girl 5 or 6 years older than me, and one about 4 years younger than me. THAT all came to a big train wreck, so, I decided to be single for a while. At the same time, her and her BF had split up, and she was going to need a ride to work for a few days, until she could either get a car or regular ride. It was (IIRC) a Friday evening when I got a call from her, asking if I could give her a ride to work the next Monday. She HATES the phone, so, I knew it was serious business, and I told her "Sure, no problem." Being a weekend night, I asked what she was doing, and if she wanted to party. (My house was notorious in town for the shenanigans and partying....LOL) She said "Sure, I'm ready." I said "Get your shoes on, I'm on the way" So, we partied a good amount, with a few drinks, and other things I'll also NOT go into here, and generally had a very good time catching up. I'm not sure how to explain it, without coming right out and explaining it, but let's say, one variation on what we were doing can be rather "intimate." As it progressed, our lips actually touched. It was electric, and it caught us both by surprise. Pretty soon, the partying was forgot, and we were kissing directly. One thing led to another in very short order, and she hung out the weekend. She spent the night Sunday night, and we got up early, and I took her home to get ready for work. We walked in, and her Mom was going on about some drama or another. (Her Mom can be quite the "drama queen") So, it took her a minute to realize our hair was all disheveled, and I wouldn't doubt our clothes were on inside out. ? When cuz just ignored her and ran to her room to get ready, it actually clicked with her Mom what was up. I mean, at that point, it's pretty obvious....LOL She stopped talking, her chin hit the coffee table, and she was speechless. No small feat.....LOL So, I walked over and sat down by her, and said "You were saying........?????" She got a huge grin, never said a word about us or our condition, and went right back into whatever her drama was. So, cool on her Mom's part.

     I took her to work, we agreed we'd had fun, and we'd do it some more. So, for the next couple weeks, we ran pretty hard. One night the next weekend, so as to not be disturbed at my place, we went to her best friend's house. She was married to a very good friend of mine, so, we all had a good time. When we left, I didn't want to go back to mine and fend off late night partiers banging on my door, so, when we got to the main road, I went the opposite way. She said "Where are you going?" I said "You'll see". So, I went to the next town over, and got us a room at a newly built motel. It was nice. We had a very good evening, and one of the more memorable nights I've spent with a woman. So, things are progressing well. Then, one evening, she showed up at the house, and said "We can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore." I said "Why?" She said "We're family...." Not wanting to push her, I let her walk. Shortly after she walked, I told my Mom "Don't be surprised if some day me and cuz don't become an item." She said "So long as you treat her good, and make each other happy, I'll be happy." It made things awkward for DECADES, but, we still (and still do) cared for each other deeply, and life went on. She ended back up with her BF, they got married, had a couple kids, and I ran amok, got married and divorced 3 times, and life went on. She eventually got divorced, and has had a long term BF since not long after that. We were never single at the same time again, so, no more shenanigans.

     In the last few years, quite a lot has happened, but I've got way windy with the back story, and don't really want to do a novel here. Let's just say, totally unrelated, but because of, that back story, I ended up here. At about the same time, she had hit a rough patch, and my Mom encouraged me to go talk to her. She said "She won't listen to her Mom, her kids, her sister, her BF, nobody. She will listen to YOU. " I put it off, because I didn't want to invade her space, and I was married. Within about a year though, things weren't really getting better for her, and I found something of her grandpa's I knew would put a smile on her face, so, me and the wife at the time went to see her. It worked. I lit a fire under her arse, and she's got out and done VERY well for herself since then. There was an occasion where we had an evening and some time alone, and we aired it all out. I actually showed her this site. She agreed whole-heartedly with the advice I was giving younger members, to the point of getting a little misty eyed at one point. So yeah, we aired it out, and it's all good. We agreed we have no stomach for cheating with each other, so, even though I'm single now, there will be no more shenanigans. Her BF can be a (can I say this?) douche, but he's her douche, and she likes him, he's NEVER that way in front of me, and I'm not about to butt in. A few weeks ago, I was working up near where she is now, so, we got in contact and went out for supper. It was nice. The next week, on my birthday, she didn't get my text till later, but I went back to her town for supper, and she met me for a couple drinks, (she had already ate without knowing I was going to be there) and graciously bought my supper. So, yeah, we're still close, but, our chance came and went, and, for the normal reasons, we didn't take it.

    That's why I say, back then, had there been an internet, Google, and a site like this, things may have been much different. I actually wanted us to go way South to where her Dad is, but I apparently didn't make that clear enough to her at the time, because I have a feeling she would have done it. She's pretty much said as much. I ended up down there for a while anyhow, and it has paid off in my career choices ever since. Her Dad wouldn't have gave us anything, but, he's done VERY well for himself too, and he would have steered us in a direction for success. Even still, we're doing alright, and it's all good. 

     All of that wall of text said, that's why I tell our younger members to take their time, and lay some groundwork. We had the "friendship" foundation, but, we moved WAY too fast on the physical, without nearly enough communication about possibilities and scenarios for us to actually BE together. Or, the information to pull it off drama free. Obviously, our Mom's would have been fine with it, and probably even tickled with it. Our dad's opinions wouldn't have mattered really. Her dad would have been fine with it, and my dad would have been "Meh", so, yeah. We COULD have went for it, we just didn't know that at the time. People today have this place, and know they can.....

     So, there you have it, and, it's actually been therapeutic with where I am in my life now to spill it all out there again. Thanks for asking......?

  19. anonymouc,

     Thank you and Nat for the kind words. It's certainly not the first time I've been told I give good advice. I do try to stay modest however. I'm no spring chicken, and I like to say I'm not so good at telling you what you should do, but I'm getting pretty damned good at what NOT to do.??? Had there been an internet, and site such as this when I was your age, I dare say me and my second cousin would quite possibly had very different lives than we've had. As in, a life together. Oh well, water under the bridge and all of that.

     Anywho, I DO like the fact that you are not going to let this distract from your career. At the same time, you do not want to focus on it to the detriment of your future potential happiness. You need to go into an in-depth conversation with the parents the next time this is brought up. Find out if they've been talking to her parents. Not that you mind, but, if you're going to be the topic, you would like to be included. You need to be sure they fully understand your desire to get your career in order FIRST, but, want to stay aware of what educational and career progress your cousin is having as well. Once this is aired out, even if her parents may move a little slower with her, you should stay in touch with her. Keep it all "cousinly" and professional, at least until she brings up them mentioning it to her, when and if they do. Let her know you first thought it might be odd, but, after thinking about the plus side, it would make sense. ALWAYS encourage her in her studies. It's been forever since I was a regular here, but, I was known for such advice to younger members, usually younger than you. It went 1)School, 2)Work, 3) Your own place, 4)Go for it, and don't let anyone talk you out of it, INCLUDING YOURSELF. That's the VERY short version.

     Then, you have to consider the long term. Would she be willing to come here? Would you be willing to go there? In the grand scheme, it would be either/or. Our economy is improving. The Asia-Pacific region for the foreseeable future has incredible growth potential. So long as you have your education to a point to have an established career, with a good reputation and work ethic, you can succeed wherever you choose to. Again, way out in front of where you are right now, but something to keep in mind as you start your career. Position yourself in your career to be flexible, and able to adapt to new conditions or locations should you need, or, choose to.  

  20. anonymouc,

     It's been a while since I've been on here, but I feel compelled to reply. I will first say I agree with everything Ambra said. Beyond that, I think it's time to either come clean about your feelings to your parents the next time they bring it up, OR, play it off as "At first I wasn't so interested, but since you keep bringing it up, now you have me thinking about it..." Gives you a little wiggle room, and, after all, it IS the truth. If THEY are bringing it up, trust me when I tell you that they WON'T think you're weird......

     You are in a quite enviable position as compared to many, if not most, people here, in that your family is encouraging it. Take all the help you can get, TRUST ME. As Ambra said, this will be much easier if they will talk to her parents. Who knows, maybe they already have. It could be HER parents who brought it up to yours. You will never know until you stop dismissing the idea when they ask. You ARE interested, so act like it. If the parents haven't talked yet, it would only be because you are seeming to not be interested.

     I would suggest the line I gave earlier the next time the topic is raised. THEN, I would want you to show your maturity, and take it further. Tell them that you realize you are still young, and she is younger. Her parents want her to go to school, and you agree totally that she should. Tell them that while you may not be a big fan of "arranged marriages", if them and their cousins (her parents) want to see if she would be interested ONCE SHE'S OUT OF SCHOOL, you would be willing to see where it leads.

     I do not know if "arranged marriages" are so common in China as they are in say, India, but, the fact that a very good percentage of marriages throughout history, and up to this day, are between first and second cousins, are for the exact reasons your parents are emphasizing. Their points are very valid, and I think you should consider their advice. I also have a feeling there is more going on behind the scenes than you know just yet. If you and the cousins hit it off so well, I can assure you that it DID NOT go unnoticed by your and her parents. They have MUCH more experience in matters of the heart than you. They can pick up on even the most subtle of hints that you like your cousin, even if you, OR HER, don't realize you're giving off such a "vibe". I'm not much of a gambling man, but I would take good odds on it. I have a feeling they noticed, her parents brought up that they would like a man like you for her, and yours said, "We'll see what we can do." Now, you also want them to know that if they are going to "wing" for you like this, that you DO NOT want HER parents to put undue pressure on her to "push" her on you, and that you only want them to bring it up for her to consider, and like yours with you, at least listen to the positives before ruling it out. As Ambra and I have both mentioned, you have plenty of time. This isn't a drag race. I personally would like to see you pace this out for at least two years, and see you ~22 years old, and her ~20ish. If she would like to go to school for 4 years, make it 24ish for you, and 22 for her. The more time you take developing the foundation for a relationship, the better odds you have for success. TRUST ME on that as well.

     Which goes to YOUR behavior the next time you are there. You will be able to find time to speak candidly and alone with her. You do not want to seem to be pushy either. But, you DO have the advantage of being able to say "My parents are pretty serious about this, and they have me thinking it may be a good idea, IF, and ONLY IF, you feel the same, and think it would be a good idea too...." Then, see what she says. She may or may not want to go for it. Be prepared for if she doesn't as well. And, be prepared for her maybe not wanting to initially, but coming back later and saying "You know, I've been thinking about this, and ....."

     Either way, take your time, build the friendship to where it lasts regardless, and proceed from there.

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