Jump to content
<?php echo esc_attr( get_bloginfo( 'name' ) ); ?>
The #1 Writing Tool

Hawk

Moderator
  • Content Count

    646
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    15

Everything posted by Hawk

  1. GloomyAngel17, I'll reply here to this and your other thread. Before we would be comfortable giving detailed suggestion, we would need a little more background information, such as any religious and/or cultural issues which can complicate the issue. But, for the time being, those are minor issues, even if they are indeed major issues in the long run. For now, you are going to be graced with what we all around here call "Uncle Hawk's Borken Record Speech to Young Members." Ready? Ok, Here goes..... FIRST. I will assume you are still in school. If so, focus on that. If not, I suggest you get in school, or get into a vo-tech/certificate program of some sort of at the very least. The same for him. If he isn't either in college or getting some sort of training, and doesn't have some sort of a decent job, then he needs to be getting some training to get some sort of a decent job. As you have noticed, until you two are able to sufficiently be independent, your family is NOT going to find anywhere near the joy in this that you two do. Which goes to the next point.... Second. Put all of this on the back burner. You don't mention where you are, and my look-up shows you as being somewhere I know you are not. Where you actually are, I have no clue. However, it could have a MAJOR impact on your relationship, AND my advice. So, while you do not need to be overly specific, (and I would really rather you wouldn't be) it would be rather helpful to know which State you are in. We don't need a city or street address. I'll not be sending you a Christmas card. The legalities are State specific, and vary greatly. Since you mentioned Canada in the other thread, I will tell you that it IS still legal for cousins to marry in Canada. BUT, this is WAY out in front of where you two are at this point. The legalities of whether or not it is legal in whichever State you are in, (roughly 50/50 chance whether it is or not) is minor at this point. Your more immediate legal issue is that YOU are underage, and HE is not. You are looking at causing him a considerable "poostorm" if you two perchance get discovered in any sort of uncompromising position involving neeked shenanigans. So, put this on the back burner, and on the WAY down low until at the very least you are 18. In the meanwhile, stay close, and build the friendship, and relationship, to the point it is unshakable, and you are both fully "all in" for the long haul. Third. Along with these other things, and accordingly, in following them, keep the physical from getting over the top. I don't know how physical you two may have been to this point, but, I can assure you, you do NOT want to find yourself in a "motherly way" before you are fully prepared to do so. It doesn't matter how careful you are, you can still wind up pregnant. Depending on where you are, THAT IS empirical evidence of at least statutory rape laws being broken, as well as possible felony incest charges to go with it. You do NOT want to be labeled a sex offender, and neither does he. And it WILL be worse for him. It behooves you two to cool the jets, (and the hormones) and set down and start laying the ground rules and game plans for the future. Now, I'll go into other things you really should consider. It is rare for typical young romances to have the staying power they had even 50 years ago. That said, provided they are close, have a history, and so very much in common (as is frequently noted), I personally think that it is easier for a young cousin couple to do so, if they are willing to take the steps necessary to have themselves in a position to go for it once they are ready and able. By the time you are 20, and he is 22, (the age range we generally are comfortable with) if you have thought your future out well, planned well, have the means to provide for yourselves independently, and have a place where it is legal to do so, THEN I say go for it, and don't let anybody talk you out of it. If you get to that point, and, if it's legal where you are, why move to Canada? Not that I have anything against Canada, I think it's beautiful, and would love to visit there. But, it is different enough from the US that I'm not so sure I would actually want to pack up and move there. However, if it's NOT legal where you are, and you discover there is going to be a need to move anyway, it could be a consideration I would ponder. More so, if you have any sort of "support system", such as approving family or friends, there. If it is legal where you are, and you decide to stay put, allow me to give you further food for thought. In a situation like that, if you two decide to get a place together, the official line is usually out there as being economically more practical to share a place as opposed to both having separate places. I always recommend a two bedroom place, for a couple reasons. It "keeps up appearances" for nosy family and "friends", and, it also gives both parties their own space. The actual sleeping arrangements are NOT for public consumption. That allows folks to slowly see the two of you domiciled together, and, should wedding bells be in your future, it at least slightly lessens the shock factor. Will it eliminate all the drama? Probably not. But, I'll assure you that in 3 years or so, by the time you're 20, and he's 22/23, the family, while they may not like it, are going to find themselves in a position to actually do considerably little other than gripe about it, than they are now, where actually physically keeping you two apart is most likely in their power to do. All that said, do give us a little more information, and I will try to tailor my advice to fit you situation better, and would anticipate others here to pipe in as well.
  2. GloomyAngel17, I'll reply a combined reply in your other thread.....
  3. Hawk

    Advice needed!

    Nicki, How you cope/deal with it depends on several factors. First of all, and most importantly at this point, is, how old are the two of you? Are you still in school, including college or vo-tech? Next, is, where you are. You didn't mention, so I shan't either, but, I did have a little peek, and, at least on that front, you are good. Provided my index is correct, in your country, it's perfectly legal for cousins to have whatever relationship, up to and including marriage, that they choose. So, for starters, provided you both are of age, don't let ANYONE tell you it's NOT legal. It is. So, lets have your ages, if you are still in school of some sort, and, any cultural issues you may be facing as a bias from family, such as an Asian/Indian heritage, including, well, I'm not going to request the sort of clarity that comes to mind for your anonymity. You ages, schooling status, and general cultural heritage will suffice for now. If there is anything else you can think of that is an issue that we would need to know about to help you with a "work-around", let us know that too. Depending on your ages, you may not like what I have to tell you. It may not be what you want to hear, but it will be what you need to hear. If I miss anything, there are others here who will expand on it. A little more info, and we'll take it from there......
  4. Tauriana, It depends on how old the two of you are, and if either or both of you have partners. We'll need some more information before we can give you advice tailored to your particular situation. For example, if you are teens, our advice will be quite different than if you are in your mid-twenties or beyond. It is also going to be quite different if one or both of you are either married or otherwise in relationships, as opposed to if the two of you are single and fully available. Our advice will also depend on which State or (if outside the US) Country you are in. You need not be any more specific than that. As a mod, I can, and do, have a little peek to see. So, in your case, provided the index is correct, where you are, you can't get married, but, it isn't considered a crime. Don't worry, you didn't mention where you are, I'm not going to either. Our members and guests are anonymous here, and I fully well intend to see to it, to the best of my ability, that they remain that way. On that note, please do give us a little more background and information, and we'll do our best to advise you as to what you should do.....
  5. makemelikeyou, Then you have arrived at the right place. Share as your comfort level allows. As you do, and make yourself comfortable around here, you will probably get replies from some of the girls here. There are several of them who are with their cousin, and I'm sure they have experienced some of what you are going through. Feel free to share what you will, with the knowledge you are as anonymous here as you care to be. This is as good a place as any to air things out....
  6. makemelikeyou, Trust me, if you go back and read any of my posts, you'll see I tend to "overshare" and get windy. At any rate, with this new information, I'll stick with what I've said toward his end, and now have to ask you how much drama are YOU liable to face from the father of your child? Is he in the picture? If so, what are the visitation arrangements? The likelihood of any visitation remaining the same is probably minimal, unless you are in adjoining States, and travel is not going to be overly burdensome. If it isn't considered criminal incest where you are, and is fully legal where he is, it should be something that can be worked out, but it could get messy, depending again, on your particulars. More to keep in mind going forward. Now, as to HIM being a little more nervous than you. Has he found this site? Have you sent him the link? If not, you may as well, and feel free to bring him to this thread. Have him join if he so chooses, and I'll basically tell him the same thing, and do my best to ease his concerns....
  7. makemelikeyou, Yeah, I'm pretty sure we get it, LOL Usually, for couples your age, I say go for it. In your case, I'll say it with stipulations. First, we ALWAYS advise to go for it ONLY if both parties are fully available. In your case, it behooves you to cool the jets until such time as the divorce is final. From a more personal perspective, I would encourage you to then let the ink dry a little too. In the meanwhile, keep building the friendship. Virtual attraction and reality can be two different things. The attraction is obviously there, now, you really should build more on the friendship and getting totally on the same page. You don't mention if he has kids, or, how nasty this divorce is, or is likely to become if you become an issue. If it's legal where he is, his ex can pitch a b*tch all she wants, but it will be to no avail. Still, why stir the puddin' until such time as it's settled? Stay in the background, and let it all play out, without you being an issue. After all the ducks are in a row, THEN you can pull the trigger. At that point, go for it, and don't let anyone stop you. Always remember, cousins are people too, subject to all the qualities and flaws any of the rest of us are prone to. Once you are in this, there are going to be all the typical annoyances, as well as loving moments. You know, toilet paper over or under, the cap on the toothpaste, doing dishes, all of the wonders of domestic bliss. The more of these little issues you have discussed ( and probably laughed about) and agreed on, the easier the transition will be. Since you have not known each other forever, it truly is going to be like going into any other relationship with any random Joe. You have to treat it as such, only realize that you have the added pressure of possible family drama up front, and probable family drama if it ends badly. Get on the same page first, and don't let any of that happen.....
  8. Fox1000, To her? Why? Sounds to me like she already did..... Everybody else? I don't know. If you want to I suppose. The kids? Nah, she'll tell them you moved back home, if they ask. So, no, I wouldn't. I'd put on the old traveling shoes and roll.
  9. Fox1000, Wow. Looks like she don't mind looking a gift horse in the mouth. Methinks she's got at least a touch of an irresponsible streak as well, and I'm sure you'd provide further proof if you were to expand on the situation. No need though. I'll give you my advice easily enough without it. First, have you burned your bridges where you were before you moved there? If not, look into going back. I know it will be painful to leave the others you've bonded with behind, but, you've been shot down, my man. You've done your part, now, everyone else can step up. Her asshat needs to drag it back and meet HIS responsibilities. SHE needs to lay in the bed SHE'S made. Playing the white knight was noble of you, but, the time has come for you to move on. You've already spent 10 years pining for her, it's unrequited, so, DON'T SPEND ANOTHER DAY trying to invest in something with no return. Cousins are people too, with all the qualities and flaws of any of the rest of us. It's just like being shot down by any other love interest. It hurts, but, you keep breathing. It may be cloudy, but the sun is still going to rise in the east tomorrow morning. New day, new way. I'm actually facing a healthy dose of that right now myself. I have an interview today, and depending on how that goes, I'll make my next move. I have an extremely good chance of getting this job. BUT, if I don't, I've already been planning my next move, and it's liable to be a doozy. I'm looking at packing up and shaggin' arse about 400 miles from here, and starting over. Will it be easy? Not in the least. Would it be in my long term best interest? I think so. At my age, the medical insurance is the only question out there, but if something decent to that effect is available, I'm outta here. I know for sure I need a serious change of scenery, and I think you do too. I also think if you're honest with yourself, you'll admit it, and act accordingly....
  10. daughterofeve, On the other hand, if it's still too soon, and isn't within your comfort zone, send a nice card and gift if you feel the need, and use "the money's just too tight to travel right now" as a convenient, and at least partially true, reason for not attending. I know all about awkward. I also know that until you are absolutely certain it is within your comfort zone, you're well within your rights to avoid stepping out of the zone. As far as discussing this with your current SO, I will agree with Serendipity. I've had to learn to not bring up previous relationships, so, as far as I'm concerned, why do it? If the topic of previous SO's does come up at some point, then, perhaps, gently, as Serendipity said, go into it. Other than that, if ex's aren't an issue, let sleeping dogs lie...
  11. Brittanie, Yeah, first off, don't do anything until you're 18, or it could be 20 years before you get the chance to again. Next, don't do anything as long as he's attached. My advice? For the time being, casually stay in contact, while focusing on your schooling. I'll assume you're in HS still, probably a Senior. Focus on getting HS out of the way, and try to decide what you want to do for a living, and go get some further education to that end. Then, when you're 20ish, (I personally prefer 22ish) see where things stand. You have no real reason to get any too serious with ANY guy just yet. Put it on the back burner and let it stew for a while. The age difference is pretty big, but not unheard of. You'll see why 33 and 20 sounds a little more palatable when you're actually 33 and 20. If at that time, he's unattached, then you can pick the conversation back up from where it's already been. You don't need (or WANT) to be the reason his relationship ends. Plus, even in a year, when you are of age, even though you are second cousins, the drama is liable to still be high. He won't be looked at in a good light, even if it's actually you who initiates the relationship. Put it on hold for a while, get yourself into a more independent situation, see if he's unattached at that point, and THEN see if there's any potential......
  12. Hawk

    Please help

    Nikkitv2, There is a sticky thread by LadyC, one of our admins, about how to tell your Mom. Many find it helpful. I'll link it here: https://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php/topic,1444.0.html'>https://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php/topic,1444.0.html . There is another one on how to tell your family I'll link here: https://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php/topic,2483.0.html.'>https://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php/topic,2483.0.html. These will give you a general idea, or, at the very least, ideas to bounce around in molding your own versions based on your particular situation. Before we go much further though, a little more information would probably be in order. As with any new member/first time poster, asking for advice, I, as a mod, and having the ability to do so, have a little peek to see where you are. I don't look for specifics mind you, just the Country or State where you are, to first determine if you may be looking at any potential legal issues. And, as I always say, you didn't mention where you are, so, I shan't either. All that said, provided my index is correct, in your country, it is perfectly legal everywhere for cousins to have whatever relationship they choose, up to, and including marriage. A good little bit of information to have in your "arsenal" of facts when you go to break the news. Next, we would be curious as to your ages. Our advice varies WIDELY depending on this factor. If you are teens, living at home, our advice is going to be drastically different than if you are in your late 20's or beyond, and out on your own. For those in between, or in various other situations, our advice will vary accordingly. For example, if you are teens, still at home, and going to school, I will always advise to keep it on the down low, focus on your schooling, get smart, get out and independent, then, once you're at least of age, (and I personally prefer 22ish or so) go for it, and don't let anybody stop you. If you are in your 30's, (or older) out on your own, already in the relationship, then, hey, you're big boys and girls, go for it. How "in your face" about it is up to you, and what your comfort level and tolerance for drama allows. Get up to speed on the facts here: https://www.cousincouples.com/ (hit the "menu" tab and have a good look around) Copy anything you feel would be helpful. So, a little more info please, and any related back-story. Such as "We've been sneaking around, and people are starting to get suspicious" or "We've all but got caught, and people are starting to talk/making snide remarks". Personally, if you're of age, and everything else lines up, if it were me, I would just let "the visual" do the talking, or at least break the ice. I would just be seen together a little more often going forward. People being human, will sooner or later start getting nosy, and won't be able to do as they should, and mind their own business. When they ask, have the facts ready, and take them to school. It is THEIR option to accept them, or reject them. It matters not either way. The facts are still going to be the facts. It is not incumbent on you to modify your relationship based upon their reaction, provided you are not dependent upon them for your physical and financial support.....
  13. Ashna, I'm going to give you my standard reply to our Indian/Hindu members and guests. Leave. Go to the UK. You have the money, you have the skills, you only need the passport and a ticket. I'd be getting them. Unless and until people in your situation break these insane "traditions" of family controlling your very life, the cycle will continue in perpetuity. If you marry solely to appease your family, you will be miserable until the day you decide to live for you, if that day ever comes. Did you pick your brother's partner, if he has one? If he doesn't have one yet, do you get to pick? I bet not. So, he can go find himself a mate, or succumb to family and let THEM pick one for him, but you have no part of it. Your mother will not die because of your choice. She, and others may very well SAY she will, and blame you when she eventually does, (even if she passes of natural causes) BUT, it will be HER failure to have HER way in controlling you that will have caused her stress. HER choice to not give YOU YOUR choice. HER choice. Not YOUR failure to capitulate to HER choice. It is her choice to pressure you. She has no regard what soever as to your will or happiness. Her happiness matters more to her than your happiness matters to her. I don't give a damn what ANYONE says, that is NOT a loving parent. A family who all agrees with her is NOT a loving, caring family. For your own sanity, get out before you do something stupid for people who could care less how stupid a decision it is, so long as it keeps up appearances. Don't you dare sell yourself short when you've achieved all you have on your own. You make your own decisions, and I recommend the first one be the decision to get as far away as you possibly can. I'll give you an example of the difference. I'm not with my cousin, and never will be. We had our little moment, didn't go for it, and walked away from it. And, it's all good, we're fine with that. But, at one point, when I thought that we might possibly go for it, I told my Mom "Don't be surprised if at some point Cuz and I become an item." Her response? "So long as you treat her good, and you make each other happy, I don't have a problem with that...." Mind you, there isn't QUITE the stigma here in the US as there is in Indian/Hindu cultures, but it's pretty close sometimes. One difference is there are plenty of States where it's legal. Another difference between cultures is, that, had Mom NOT been willing to let us make our own decision, and tried to stop it, she knew full well it would have only made my determination that much stronger. Here, we choose who we love, and, even though many times family doesn't agree, they know they may as well let it play out, because pressure from them only makes us that much more determined to follow our own will. It's not at all unheard of for us to move away if we feel we have to, and never look back. That, M'Dear, is why I personally always advise our members from your culture to beat feet, and don't look back. The greatest gift we are able to enjoy is our free will. Anyone who would deprive you of it to force their will upon you is called a tyrant. Avoid tyranny, in any of it's forms. You would not be the first to go a Continent away to do so.....
  14. That8th, It depends on where you are. As a mod, I can, do, and did, have a little peek. You didn't mention where you are, so, trust me, I won't either. The bad news is, where you are, (depending on how closely related you are, i.e. first cousins) you can't legally marry. I have a hard enough time keeping up with the legalities here in the US, so I have no idea as to whether or not this would be considered criminal incest there. I've never heard of it being so, but, again, I have no clue. On a slightly lighter note, while you are in a tough place to be in a cousin relationship, at least you aren't in India, which we almost unanimously agree is THE worst country to be cousins in love. This may be a case where we advise you similarly as we would members from India, in that, you may have to move to more friendly environs. I also know that, like India, where you are, family is very important, and to pack up and leave is almost as daunting as trying to stay and tough it out. There is a recent post by a member from there who married their cousin, but fibbed about the actual relationship to do so. I cannot advise you to do so. If their relationship is discovered, their marriage will be declared null and void. Which, in their case, they may not care. IIRC, they have children together, and once that happened, the family came around to a great extent. All of this is also assuming you two are first cousins. You don't mention it specifically, so, I'm going on that assumption. However, if you are second cousins, or beyond, so far as we know, it is legal. Also, where you are, I'm going to assume to have a pretty good idea as to your religious persuasion. Other than it being illegal, your Church would allow you to marry, with a dispensation from the Diocese. But, being illegal, that's not an option. HOWEVER, it DOES speak to it NOT being a sin. It is an embarrassment to the family because they have bought into the stigma of it, not because the Bible actually prohibits it. To the contrary, in several instances, God commanded cousins to marry. A curse? Hardly, other than their uninformed drama. (and of course, the legalities, or lack thereof) Stupid? Haha, uh, NO. That would be THEM looking in the mirror. Disgusting? No, again, the disgusting thing is their reaction. If you are going to be outcasts, judged, and called names, then why stay for the abuse? Your family may be your everything, but from here, to me, it seems their feelings are much more important to you than yours are to them. If they gave your feelings the same consideration you give theirs, there would be no drama from them. They may not like it, but they would tend to their own business, and not try to manage their own affairs, as well as yours. Keep this in mind, love and respect runs both directions. When it's only one way, you have such drama, and a decision to make to take it, or move on. Personally, I'd move on to somewhere I could happily have the relationship of my choice.
  15. 30something, Welcome aboard. There's a thread here to this effect, but, so as to not hijack it, I'll ask here. I'm curious as to how you found us, if you'd be so good as to share. As to your situation, I'll wish you luck, and also encourage you to share how it goes. Let's not do TMI, but, generalities will suffice. We find ourselves advising members, but we also find that first hand experiences encourage and motivate as well as anything we may say. Assuming your cousin is close to your age, you two are certainly of an age to make a go of a relationship, if you so choose. As a mod, I can have a little peek at where folks are, but, with your reference to the RAF, I don't really need to, and provided you are in the UK, you should know that to pursue this is perfectly legal. Keep our standard, tried and true "If you weren't my cousin, ________" line handy to use if you need an "ice-breaker". Again, best of luck, and keep us posted.....
  16. AmorImposible, You're still young. Bide your time. Step back and take a deep breath. Don't let his current relationship break your heart. You've not been in the picture to have been in a position to have had any effect on it. Keep him in the "friendzone" for now. Being shy, I don't see you being overly forward to the point of making things awkward. Keep an eye on things from a distance. Young relationships these days don't always have a long track record. 30 years ago, when I was 22, I (against my better judgement, and everybody else's advice) got married. It lasted 4 years total, and was a major trainwreck anyhow in the end. By that time, my Cuz was married, (I assume, we were in the 'awkward' phase, and had lost touch) and after that, one or both of us were steadily in other relationships, up to this day. The timing was never right, and we never had any of these facts here to overcome the stigma until I found this place, and in airing out the past, showed her. We're both certainly agreed we have no stomach for cheating with each other and ruining our respective relationships. This, even though unlike you, we have a "history" of sorts, all be it brief, from when we were your age.(20) Looking back, could things have been different? Yeah. Had I made a few more of the family get-togethers, I would have been a little more aware of her status. Had I quietly inquired from the distance as to how she was doing occasionally, I would have known when she got divorced. At that time, I was in a long term relationship, that was eventually my third marriage. Had I known these facts here, and the history and legalities of the matter, my relationship was rocky enough, and there were enough 'red flags' I would have possibly, as gently as possible, got out of it before we got married. I almost did a couple times anyhow. But, hindsight is 20/20 and all of that. I didn't know what was up with her, and, even back in the 90's, I'm not sure enough information would have been out there to go on. By the time I did get divorced, she was (still is) in a long term relationship, and shortly after, I was 'set-up' with a wonderful woman I'm happy to call my GF. We'll not be screwing up our current relationships with any sort of shenanigans of trying to recapture our youth. We've aired it all out, it's all good, and we're happy to see each other happy. Our situation is a little different than yours in that from the first time we met (~9-10 yrs old) on to this day, we've been "favorite/best" cousins, and that we loved each other very much was a given. We may have said it a time or two back then, but never actually verbalized the extent of it. Now, with the way we work, we don't get to see each other any more than we did all those years we were out of touch, so, when we do, we always say it. You never know when it could be the last time you get to say it. A lot of the work I do is reasonably dangerous, and she travels for her work now, and works from time to time in shall I say, less than desirable areas. Some of them have been down right dangerous. So, when we do get to spend time together, we make sure to enjoy it, tell each other "Luv you" and to be safe. It works for us. We know if things had been different, they would be different, but, it is what it is. About the best you can do, is keep in touch, stay in the friendzone, and build it to the "best/favorite" cousins state. From there, it's all about timing. There is no reason you have to set around waiting on him either. In fact, I would advise against it. Get out and about, and do a little dating. If you're so shy, there's no reason you have to get serious. But, there is the possibility you find someone who is right for you, and maybe even MORE right for you than your cousin. I might could have been happy with my cousin, but I don't see any way I could be any happier than I am now. As happy? MAYBE. More happy? I don't know how. I'm living the life right now. We've been together for 2 1/2 years, and she's never once raised her voice to me. We've had a couple little bumps in the road, but never cross words. Cuz and I are so much alike, that, seeing each other occasionally, it's cute. I have a feeling though, if we were in a relationship, it would eventually become tedious, if not down right aggravating. Of course, when we do get on each others nerves, it usually ends up in a light-hearted wrestling match/ticklefest, even as old as we are now. So yeah, you may have these feelings for your cousin, but, cousins are people too, and can grate each other just like anybody else. We in no way try to "over-romanticize" it. It can be very intense, and tends to be, but it can, and usually is, at least as much work as any other relationship, and it isn't unusual to be MORE work. While you may have some stars in your eyes right now, don't have any illusion as to how much time it could take, if ever, and how much effort it would be if something ever does come from it....
  17. AmorImposible, Probably not just yet. You want to be up to speed on the facts, and have looked into that link, and have some idea of how to broach the topic gently. Our experience is, that if you jump right in and blurt it out, it has a tendency to be awkward. Working your way out of the "awkward" zone isn't easy. Unless your cousin feels the same, (and sometimes even if they do) it's still going to have some amount of awkward. Making that amount as little as possible is always the way to go. It's also going to depend on your ages. We're ALWAYS going to recommend you wait until you are of age, generally 18 years old, but we realize some places, it's younger. Regardless, I recommend at least 20, and my personal preference is 22ish or so. Here's why. If you are still in school, and living at home, you really should put this all on the back burner, and get your education out of the way. Why? Because if you have gotten an education, are out on your own, it becomes all but impossible for family drama to stop you, provided it's legal where you are. If you are in the position to be independent, it's a whole lot easier to relocate to where it IS legal, if need be. In the meanwhile, you stay in touch, and build the friendship to the point that no matter what the outcome or drama, the friendship is going to be for life. Even if nothing comes of it when you are young, all you have to do is look at some of the recent threads to see that the future can hold more possibilities. By the time you're in your 40's, 50's, or beyond, you'll realize the clock is ticking, and if the two of you are on the same page with it then, it's a lot easier, and considerably more advisable, to test the waters, and if it's all good, wade on off in it. The one caveat we have on these relationships, no matter what the age, but more so as we get older, is, both parties need to be unattached, and available. We've seen massive trainwrecks in peoples' lives when there has been this underlying attraction, and, after one or both parties are in relationships with others, they decide to act upon it. If you think there'll be drama over the cousins being in a relationship, toss divorces, child custody, or other manners of nasty break-ups in the mix. Just as family may interfere when you are younger, even if they might be fine with it if you were older, if you're in a relationship, they're more likely to smack you up the back of the head, and say "WTH are you doing?", even if they might be fine with it if you weren't already in another relationship. You really have to take a deep breath and a step back, and have a good long look at the overall ramifications of the bigger picture. If you think this is something relevant to your long term happiness, then, once you are in a position to do so, test the waters with something like the old "If we weren't cousins/ Too bad we're cousins/ Other than us being cousins" line to break the ice. By the reaction to that, you will know whether to continue the conversation, or gracefully back out, at least for the time being. We've also seen numerous cases of that sort of line planting the thought, and at some latter date, the conversation coming back up with a different perspective. At that point, you continue the conversation honestly, and decide from there if it's something the two of you want to pursue....
  18. Hawk

    Advice Needed

    Danielle, Don't be defensive, but, be prepared to politely stand your ground. If the family drama was initiated by this Uncle, there's no need to directly go into that, but, in standing your ground, and, standing up for your husband, you can certainly make note that the estrangement had nothing to do with your husband, and, it is quite unfair to take it out on him, and, by extension, you. Even if the issues were initiated by this Uncle, there's no need to throw that in his face. He knows who initiated it. He did. Not his brother, and not your husband. It would just seem a bit unfair to resent the next generation, who had nothing to do with the issues of the previous generation. I would try to head any of it off if I could though. If it even begins to become an issue, I would simply say "Look, the past is the past. What happened then was not our problem. He's a good man, he's very good to me, he makes me happy, and in the end, that's really all that matters. Besides, we're in the "No Drama Zone" now, so, we don't do drama."
  19. AmorImposible, You can certainly start here: https://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php/topic,2663.0.html
  20. Hawk

    I new here

    Good, I hope we've helped. Do let us know how things turn out for you.
  21. Hawk

    Help please?

    This thread, and your reply LadyC, reminds me perfectly of this, so I'll just leave it here....
  22. Hawk

    I new here

    If she's more open to talk about it, then talk about it. If you have a feeling she may bring it up, give her time to do so. My prediction is that she is going to bring it up by saying "So, tell me more about this dream." Good on you if you did have a dream, and brought it up, and brilliant on you if you didn't, and just thought up such a "lead-in". :grin: The "If you weren't my cousin" thing or my variation (or some version of your own that fits the conversation at the time) is as good a way as any to start. You want to have some sort of "disclaimer" to it, but you don't want to emphasize that part of it too much. You know there IS the issue of being cousins, but a "work-around" must be available, and you're looking to see if she thinks the same, and what her solution might be. Having found your way here, you already know the facts and what we think about it, you just have to fully wrap your head around it, and bring her along as you do.... If she gets nervous about it, talk about the weather. Sooner (probably) or later (for sure), she WILL bring it up. If in the meanwhile, you haven't let it be awkward, she will see the idea as less awkward than maybe she had thought. The less awkward or 'weird' it is, the less she will see the thought of it being awkward or weird. Another thing you could do, is, start out with the "If we weren't cousins" line, see her reaction, (to which I'll bet will be somewhere between neutral and positive, tending to positive) and then say "Ok, well, let's google it..." You already know what your going to find, so, 'find' this place, and as you do, say "I guess we ought to see if it's even legal first, hehehe." or something like that. You're going to have to think on your feet, and roll with the flow of the conversation. So what, if in the process, you're actually steering the conversation? Just because you have already looked into it, doesn't mean you have to act like you have. It isn't going to hurt you to play a little dumber than you actually are on the subject. And, I'm just tossing out some ideas here. You're the one who's going to be having "The Talk". We're not going to be there to hold your hand, but, at your age, it would look a little silly if we were. It may have been a while, but surly you've played the game. (Not that it's a game, mind you, but you know what I mean) The subject is going to come up. She's going to want to know about this dream. By the tone of how she asks is going to be your clue as to how you ease into the conversation. If she does so kind of 'sternly' or in a 'matter of fact' type of way, you ease in slowly. If on the other hand, when you are by yourselves, she does it in a 'flirty' way, like, "Sooooo, tell me all about this DREEAAAAMMMM of yours", you had better hang on, because you aren't going to need us to hold your hand. Like I say, you're going to have to play it by ear, and roll with it however it goes down. Either way, you could say "It was kinda different, us being cousins and all, but, it was pretty hot too. It was kinda blurry, but when I woke up I thought, 'That was different, I wonder where that came from' ". Would something like that work? Who knows, you're just going to have to wing it, without letting it get too far over the top, at least initially. Then again, if she asks in the second manner, it's liable to go over the top quickly. Be ready for that too...
  23. loli, It's going to be the same as any other embarrassing type of issue you will discuss with your doctor. I don't want to be crude in any way, but you have to kinda be light-hearted about it too. Like, "Doc, I got this funky itch going on." You know, you don't REALLY want to talk about it, but you really HAVE to. From your profile, and your other thread you've started, I see you're form Australia. I suppose you know, that it's perfectly legal in Australia to marry your cousin, so, having one as your BF, and being in a motherly way from said relationship isn't going to be some sort of crime either. Here, in the US, doctor/patient conversations have a long history of being pretty much confidential, in the same way as conversations with a lawyer or financial adviser, or any number of other professional services would be. More recently, it has been codified in what is known here as HIPAA. I won't bore you with the full name of this Act, but there are patient privacy provisions in it. I will assume Australia has something similar, whether or not the protections are as strong, and codified. There is considerable debate about just how strong the protections we have here are in keeping the Government from having access under our Act. Regardless, I'm still going to assume your conversations with your physician are going to be kept in the strictest of confidence. Being so sensitive an issue for you to broach, if I were in your shoes, I would first find out his (or her) stance on the matter of confidentiality. "Doctor, I have an issue I would like to discuss with you, but due to it's sensitive nature, I want to be sure it is held in the strictest of confidence..." I would say that he (she) will say "So long as it is nothing illegal, our conversation will be confidential." or some such statement. From there, you just wade off into it. I have an other idea for you, if you would be so inclined. Your doctor may or may not be up to speed on the genetics of the risks cousin couples are looking at. Not a problem. We have plenty of that information here. Feel free to go to the main page, click the menu button, go to the genetics section, read it well, and then copy any and all of the information you wish. An informed patient is a good patient, so long as you are not going to try to "second guess" your doctor's opinion. Unless your doctor is a geneticist, their going to send you to a specialist anyhow. But, if you've got the information in hand, it's going to be easier for them to make the decision to recommend you to one. You will let the doctor know that you know there is an increased risk, and that you are not so concerned about that as you are the fact that there is this known issue on the OTHER side of the family. Your doctor will then probably say "Good on you to have looked into this as you have, and seeing as how I'm not a specialist, let's get you set up with someone who is..." When you see a geneticist, have as much information as you at all possibly can have about this blood disorder, and it's prevalence, and extent thereof, in your mother's line, in hand with you when you go. From there, they will be able to determine your risks. That's what they do. I'm sure there are probably some rather complex calculations involved, so, it could take them a while to have a definitive answer, and there could be blood tests and the like involved. The time involved could vary. You don't mention if you are pregnant now, but, whether or not you are will probably affect the urgency, and therefor, length of time and urgency of any such testing. At any rate, do remain calm, and realize it's just another trip to the doctor, that's going to lead to trips to another doctor. :wink:
  24. strawberrymilk, I had quite a bit more in that post, and pared it back. I do define some of these relationships as incest, and out of my comfort zone, but, I do NOT consider cousins among them, based on the generally accepted HISTORIC precedent, and the generally accepted CURRENT genetic data. Which, considering the Old Testament as the historical part, and the current science as the modern understanding is how I come to my definition. I have no delusion of grandeur as to think my definition shall be the final word to anyone else. Part of what I pared back was on the risk of birth defects of the type in question being roughly equal to the risk an older (~35-40 yr old) mother would face. You'll NEVER see ANY politician who wants to be taken seriously on any other topic EVER suggest preventing a woman of that age from reproducing. But, the percentages are the same, FOR FIRST COUSINS. Now, irrespective of the morality or lack thereof of anything closer than that, I'd have to go back and look at the increased risks involved. It IS however generally accepted that the increased risks involved ARE scientifically inadvisable. An example which has come to the fore on at least a couple occasions here, is that of the uncle/niece relationship. Legally, it is generally, and almost universally prohibited, there are a few places and circumstances where it is allowed. With the majority of us here being of the Christian persuasion, going by the strict interpretation of the Old Testament, which our religious stance is based upon, we would be hypocritical to outright dismiss it out of hand on those grounds alone, so, we don't. However, with the current knowledge of genetics being what they are, we WILL advise against it, even though we realize it isn't prohibited outright. So, in my book, it isn't my cup of tea, but it isn't prohibited in the list we follow, so, to each their own. BUT, have a plan for the possible eventuality that any offspring have issues, because having mentioned the increased risk, it's going to be WAY out of my comfort zone to see my hard earned dollars going to care for the little nipper. Of course, maybe I'm odd in thinking if you can't afford them, don't have them to begin with, no matter WHAT the relation or lack thereof. Just the way I see it. And, if the uncle/niece relationship is allowed, is it purely misogynistic to not allow the aunt/nephew relationship? Personally, I think it is, even though it is in the same sort of "uncomfortable" zone as the former. By the same token, gay marriage is out of my comfort zone. Being hetero, I just don't get it. But then again, who's asking me, or needs my permission. As of now, they've been given permission, and far be it from me to interfere. I've been married and divorced 3 times now. I'll not say I won't marry again, because I currently have as good a woman as I've ever been with. And back in the day, I was a dog. I've "known" a few, OK? Cuz and maybe one other were in the same league. We're already seeing gay divorces, and, if they'da asked me, I could have told them "Be careful what you ask for." Which goes to a point I would make to closer consanguineous marriages. We regularly mention here, that, if you're going to go into a cousin marriage, you'd better be all in for the long haul. You can divorce your "husband" but you can't divorce your family. How much more so would this be an issue between for example, siblings? Oh my. Really? Ok, be careful what you ask for..... A lot of this goes to where my opinion is on this, and I had went into some of this before paring it back. These things were given in the Old Testament minutia of the law, and not directly put into the 10 Commandments. It's 10, not 17 or whatever the number would be. I liken it to some of the other minutia. For example, the prohibition on sleeping with a woman, and her mother (or daughter). It says don't do it because it is "confusion." No doubt!!!. Same with taking sisters as wives while the first one to be a wife is alive. It doesn't come right out and say you're going to burn for it, but, the sisters I know, you'd rather burn than deal with them both at the same time, LMAO. If you could pull it off, you're a better man, (or dare I now say woman :shocked: ) than I. It doesn't take long to realize the order of things,as well as the roles, can get REAL confused. Also, there are already places where, though they cannot marry, and be open about a relationship, consenting adult closer relatives can have a consenting adult relationship. I recently mentioned in another thread that I am in the same State as the OP in that thread. So, out of respect for his anonymity, I'll not so soon mention this State in this thread. It's out there in previous posts of mine, so if someone really has to know, they can look. At any rate, Rhode Island has no criminal incest statute per se. Ohio and the State I'm in have quietly stopped prosecuting consenting adults in such relationships. I think there is at least one other State which is at the same point, but which one it is, I'd have to try to remember where I saw it. I know it was when I was digging through the statutes for the States within a year or so ago when I dug in a little to find out which States in which first cousins are considered criminal incest. There aren't many, but there are more than I originally thought. In that process, I found a sort of "Oh, by the way" kinda thing that said "These States are quietly not prosecuting any incest cases, and Rhode Island has no incest statute" kind of blurb. I would encourage you to at the very least, start by not letting the cousin relationship be too much for you. If you're married to your cousin for four years now, I would hope you would give your relationship the courtesy you would like to see for these other relationships first. Though I, like most people do have a definition of incest, just because society has lumped cousins in there over the last 150 years or so, that isn't enough to make it so, especially when it was done based on overblown and faulty "science" of the day. If you think the stigma here is bad, go have a look at one of the "India" threads, and look at the nuclear meltdown their families there have. WOW. Speaking of which, did you have a bunch of drama out of family when the two of you got together?
  25. As far as full marriage equality among consenting adults, some of it is going to be outside my comfort zone, I won't lie. But again, if there is a God, and I believe there is a God, then it's going to be quite a bit over my pay grade to be judging. If there is, I'm sure I'll have enough of my own shenanigans to answer for to be too busy worrying about anybody else. Unless it DOES get into my pay grade with some progeny I'm supporting, when the science does generally fall outside virtually everyone's comfort zone, then yeah, that I'll have a major issue with. The adult siblings is testing the edge. I have seen that as well, I honestly believe. There was an elderly couple who lived across the street when we were growing up, and I'm pretty sure they were still there when Cuz and them moved a couple doors up from them. They were siblings. Neither had ever married. They had lived together as long as I knew them, and apparently for quite some time before that, possibly forever. Being of our grandparents' generation, there was never any hint of anything funny going on. No PDA's for sure. But, there were very few of those out of that generation anyhow. Nobody certainly EVER mentioned any sort of suspicions they may have had. I did find the whole thing odd though, and do believe there was just a LITTLE more going on than met the eye. Could anybody prove it, no. They kept up appearances enough that nobody wanted to think about it I suppose. She would berate him mildly on occasion, like a wife of that generation, and he'd giggle and say "Aww, go on back in the house." If NOT a couple, they were certainly a pair. LMAO Then, there's the fact that Cuz and I, (and her Sis and my brothers) were very close as kids, once they moved here. And we're 2nd cousins. But, for several years, we spent enough time together we considered each other "practical" siblings. We consider them the sisters we never had, and they consider us the brothers they never had to this day. My Mom loves those girls like daughters, and her Mom loves us like she would her own sons. I guess that's why it was too hard for Cuz to try to wrap her head around. Once we were in the moment, it was so intense, we didn't really think about it. But when we did take a good (sober, LOL) look around after the better part of two weeks, she couldn't fully wrap her head around it. Back then, with no information to go on, we went on the feelings, and the feelings were too much. I would have went for it, but I didn't want to push her out of HER comfort zone, so, we walked away. I do certainly understand how one thing leads to another, and in short order, you're in that deep with someone that close. It wasn't something we planned, and we're agreed, it isn't something we regret. We're also agreed that it won't be repeated. One of the moral absolutes we do agree on is not cheating on our SO's with each other.
×
×
  • Create New...