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Posts posted by Hawk

  1. Violet,

     It's been a while since I've looked at the exact verbiage of the statute in WI, BUT I do know for full first cousins, it's probably about as bad as any of the States get. Full first cousins are considered criminal incest, and in at least one instance we know of, the State went after a member here. It was eventually dropped, but not before considerable gnashing of teeth and digging into case law. 

     Being in IL, I can tell you it is much friendlier. I'm not exactly sure whether 1C1R's can marry here, but, I do know full first cousins can't. (Well, actually, there are exceptions, but you're probably not anywhere near meeting them at your age, and I'll assume, fertility level.) That said, cousins are not on the list of criminal incest, and Illinois has very quietly stopped prosecuting any cases of incest between consenting adults. As far as marrying, again, I'm not sure, and as bad as I hate to say it because this State is so financially screwed up, I do believe Illinois IS your better option.

     I would however encourage you to further your studies beyond your recent graduation, put this on a slow burn, then, when you get some sort of marketable degree or certs, and can support yourself, ramp it up. I always recommend at least 20 years of age, and personally prefer the couple (or at least the younger of the two) to be 22ish or so before they strike out on their own. So long as you are beholden to family for your roof, they have a legitimate say in your affairs. Once it's YOUR roof, it's YOUR rules.......  When you get to that point, go for it, and don't let anyone or their drama stop you.

  2. Cutecousins,

     The relationship would be the nearest, which would be, half siblings. That they would also be cousins is irrelevant as the half sibling relationship would be the primary relationship in their case.

     Kids are going to make fun of each other over every little thing, no matter what. The best way to deal with it when it starts is for the child to say "Uh, yeah, so what? What's the big deal?" and let it roll off like water off a ducks back. Hard to do, I know, believe me, but really about the most effective way to deal with it. If the other kids know they can't get a rise out of him/her over it, they will look elsewhere for a more sporting target of their aggression and taunts....


  3. I don't know if she knows it yet. Let's see what she thinks when she logs on and sees the things she's never seen before, LOL.:D

    I remember just before I became a mod, for some reason, for several hours, every member I suppose was a mod. We couldn't see the admin section, and I don't recall how I figured out the privileges were somewhat open, but I think it was when I was checking spam member profiles, and I saw an option of "delete this account." I was like "YEE HAWW, I got you spammers now."   I took the liberty of swinging the banhammer mercilessly. I deleted well over 100 of the old spam accounts, and was ROFLMAO so hard I nearly.......... well, let's just say I thoroughly enjoyed it. :P Then, when I did become a mod, and saw the sections only staff can see, I thought "Hmm, this is new. I wonder what's up with this" until it dawned on me, I looked at either my profile or a thread and posts I was in, and saw I had become a global moderator.... ;)

  4. 3 hours ago, LadyC said:

     :) the other day i thought you $hould be part of the $taff, but then i ouldn't be able to pat your back!

     I've never mentioned this publicly, but I may as well now. Some weeks ago, I made this same suggestion, and passed it up the food chain. I suggested it because I knew my time here would be limited with all of the changes in my life, and if/when I went back to work. I had no idea this job was going to take up pretty much ALL my time.

    I will second this nomination, if you would like to proceed LadyC, and if you would be willing to moderate, Serendipity.....

  5. TooraLooraLaddy,

    ^^^ That right thar....

     You didn't mention where you are, so I shan't either. However, with an easily overcome exception, you CAN marry there. At 22, you are at what I consider the perfect age to go for it. I'll assume he is somewhere close to your age. My advice is to get him here, show him this thread, and our replies. If you need further guidance, start your own (joint, if he would care to participate) thread, with possibly a few more details, and we will do our best to prove to you the wisdom of our advice....

  6. I'll bite. 

     Things are finally calming down in my head and in my reality SOMEWHAT. But, just as I thought I might pop back in regularly, I've been called out to a pipeline job that is suppose to last 6 weeks or so, and is going to be 6/10s. I should make a buck or two on this deal, and it will give me another quarter of paid insurance. It will hopefully time out to where I can beat feet up to a real sweet job in the area where Cuz is. I have no guarantee of getting on that job, but if I do, I WILL be scarce around here for probably the next three years. I should be able to check in nightly, but I doubt I'll be able to camp out in here like I have in times past.

     I'll have a free Sam Adams or three, and a slice or two of pizza, but I have my own wild women to try to keep in line, so it's probably just as well we're not overran with them at the moment, LOL


     Oh look, here's one of my gals pulling up now..... :P

    Granny Hemp.jpg

  7. If she is your grandmother's daughter's daughter, she is your first cousin. If she is your grandmother's sister's (or brother's) daughter's daughter, she is your second cousin. You should build the friendship for now, and focus on your schooling, and NOT bring any of this up to your mother. You would be looking at WAY too much drama for you to handle at your age. In 5 years or so, when you are either independent, or a whole lot closer to being able to be, you then try to determine if there are mutual feelings on her part. If there are, THEN you decide if you two want to wade off in it, and face any potential drama. Believe me when I tell you, now is NOT the time. Put it on the back burner, build the friendship to the point she may come to see you as a good potential life partner when she gets older, but do not move too fast now. You risk the whole thing blowing up in your face. Be patient my young friend.....

  8. Neverfeltlikethis,

    I took the liberty of a quick censor for you. Hope you don't mind. Trust me, at my age, and the crazy  :shocked:  I've done, I can certainly be a prime example of what not to do myself. I notice you didn't follow my, or anyone else's advice. Not a problem. You just dug the hole deeper. Now, you just have a little more to climb out of. I didn't get the job I interviewed for, and haven't busted a move just yet, but, I will be getting a change of scenery one way or the other. I do have a better than average chance of moving about 3 hours away for about 3 years, and make some BIG $$$. My rough patch got even worse before it got better too, but, things are starting to calm down, and I'm finally starting to get my head screwed on right. You can't make people love you, and there's no sense in begging. I won't beg, and I'm going to be very leery of ever starting another relationship. I'm too old to take the pain when they go south. With my track record, I'm apparently not very good at it anyhow. I'm quite enjoying my quiet time for now anyhow.

    My advice still stands. If you haven't got out of there yet, get the ride gassed up, and get a move on. I DO know for sure how a change of scenery helps. I've been making regular trips to Memphis of late, and it really helps my frame of mind. So, again, if you've not rolled yet, get a move on.   

  9. Ashish Kumar,

    First of all, you let her grow up. She may seem to act like she is closer to your age, but the difference would become quite apparent in pretty short order. As Buddhists, I'm not really sure as to what the law would be, but, I do believe it is allowed. Don't quote me on it, you will have to dig deeper for yourself. I'm not sure at what age girls can marry where you are, but even if it's allowed, it's certainly not advisable at this point. Since you are still in school, you need to be focusing on that. When you are out and working, you need to focus on that, and encourage her to focus on her schooling, and put all of this puppy love on the back burner until she is about your age. In the meantime, she can bounce the idea off of your mothers, discretely, to see how much drama there may or may not be.   

    And, to you, we do not allow e-mails to be openly posted. I've redacted it for you. It is for your own protection. Please don't do it again, or you will risk getting the banhammer....

  10. Liz,

    If I'm doing the math correctly, you would be third cousins once (one generation) removed. You and your friend's parent (mother or father, whichever) would be third cousins, your friend, being the next generation, would be "once removed" from this primary relation of third cousins.....

  11. Mantis,

    It depends on how old the two of you are. And what State you're in. And how dependent you are on family for a roof over your head.

    Your up side is, apparently, the feeling is mutual. The biggest hurdle in most cases (trying to determine how the other person feels) has been crossed in your case.

  12. Aryan,

    The genetics and associated risks are fairly well known, but even if you were not related, with the incidences of these non-related (no pun intended) conditions so prevalent, you would still be well advised to see a genetic counselor. The overwhelming chances are, that any children would be just fine. Up until a GC would find evidence to indicate otherwise, I would NOT stress over this aspect in the least. 

    You are in a somewhat unique position as compared to most members and guests here who are from India, in that, you are cross cousins, and, in the South, where it IS permitted. That said, since it isn't so common in your family, you may still encounter considerable resistance from your family. My advice would be, to have all of the facts, including the Marriage Act, on hand to provide evidence for your case. I would also emphasize the fact that when these marriages are either arranged or encouraged, it is to have the opposite effect of what your family may perceive. That is, they may think it will drive the family apart, but when it is accepted and preferred, it is to draw the family ties closer, along with keeping a measure of the family wealth within the family. Emphasize the benefits of this arrangement in a well thought out manner, and firmly stand your ground.   

  13. GloomyAngel17,

    I'll reply here to this and your other thread.

    Before we would be comfortable giving detailed suggestion, we would need a little more background information, such as any religious and/or cultural issues which can complicate the issue. But, for the time being, those are minor issues, even if they are indeed major issues in the long run. For now, you are going to be graced with what we all around here call "Uncle Hawk's Borken Record Speech to Young Members." Ready? Ok, Here goes.....

    FIRST. I will assume you are still in school. If so, focus on that. If not, I suggest you get in school, or get into a vo-tech/certificate program of some sort of at the very least. The same for him. If he isn't either in college or getting some sort of training, and doesn't have some sort of a decent job, then he needs to be getting some training to get some sort of a decent job. As you have noticed, until you two are able to sufficiently be independent, your family is NOT going to find anywhere near the joy in this that you two do. Which goes to the next point....

    Second. Put all of this on the back burner. You don't mention where you are, and my look-up shows you as being somewhere I know you are not. Where you actually are, I have no clue. However, it could have a MAJOR impact on your relationship, AND my advice. So, while you do not need to be overly specific, (and I would really rather you wouldn't be) it would be rather helpful to know which State you are in. We don't need a city or street address. I'll not be sending you a Christmas card. The legalities are State specific, and vary greatly. Since you mentioned Canada in the other thread, I will tell you that it IS still legal for cousins to marry in Canada. BUT, this is WAY out in front of where you two are at this point. The legalities of whether or not it is legal in whichever State you are in, (roughly 50/50 chance whether it is or not) is minor at this point. Your more immediate legal issue is that YOU are underage, and HE is not. You are looking at causing him a considerable "poostorm" if you two perchance get discovered in any sort of uncompromising position involving neeked shenanigans. So, put this on the back burner, and on the WAY down low until at the very least you are 18. In the meanwhile, stay close, and build the friendship, and relationship, to the point it is unshakable, and you are both fully "all in" for the long haul.

    Third. Along with these other things, and accordingly, in following them, keep the physical from getting over the top. I don't know how physical you two may have been to this point, but, I can assure you, you do NOT want to find yourself in a "motherly way" before you are fully prepared to do so. It doesn't matter how careful you are, you can still wind up pregnant. Depending on where you are, THAT IS empirical evidence of at least statutory rape laws being broken, as well as possible felony incest charges to go with it. You do NOT want to be labeled a sex offender, and neither does he. And it WILL be worse for him. It behooves you two to cool the jets, (and the hormones) and set down and start laying the ground rules and game plans for the future.

    Now, I'll go into other things you really should consider. It is rare for typical young romances to have the staying power they had even 50 years ago. That said, provided they are close, have a history, and so very much in common (as is frequently noted), I personally think that it is easier for a young cousin couple to do so, if they are willing to take the steps necessary to have themselves in a position to go for it once they are ready and able. By the time you are 20, and he is 22, (the age range we generally are comfortable with) if you have thought your future out well, planned well, have the means to provide for yourselves independently, and have a place where it is legal to do so, THEN I say go for it, and don't let anybody talk you out of it. If you get to that point, and, if it's legal where you are, why move to Canada? Not that I have anything against Canada, I think it's beautiful, and would love to visit there. But, it is different enough from the US that I'm not so sure I would actually want to pack up and move there. However, if it's NOT legal where you are, and you discover there is going to be a need to move anyway, it could be a consideration I would ponder. More so, if you have any sort of "support system", such as approving family or friends, there.

    If it is legal where you are, and you decide to stay put, allow me to give you further food for thought. In a situation like that, if you two decide to get a place together, the official line is usually out there as being economically more practical to share a place as opposed to both having separate places. I always recommend a two bedroom place, for a couple reasons. It "keeps up appearances" for nosy family and "friends", and, it also gives both parties their own space. The actual sleeping arrangements are NOT for public consumption. That allows folks to slowly see the two of you domiciled together, and, should wedding bells be in your future, it at least slightly lessens the shock factor. Will it eliminate all the drama? Probably not. But, I'll assure you that in 3 years or so, by the time you're 20, and he's 22/23, the family, while they may not like it, are going to find themselves in a position to actually do considerably little other than gripe about it, than they are now, where actually physically keeping you two apart is most likely in their power to do. 

    All that said, do give us a little more information, and I will try to tailor my advice to fit you situation better, and would anticipate others here to pipe in as well.   

  14. Nicki,

    How you cope/deal with it depends on several factors.

    First of all, and most importantly at this point, is, how old are the two of you? Are you still in school, including college or vo-tech?

    Next, is, where you are. You didn't mention, so I shan't either, but, I did have a little peek, and, at least on that front, you are good. Provided my index is correct, in your country, it's perfectly legal for cousins to have whatever relationship, up to and including marriage, that they choose. So, for starters, provided you both are of age, don't let ANYONE tell you it's NOT legal. It is.

    So, lets have your ages, if you are still in school of some sort, and, any cultural issues you may be facing as a bias from family, such as an Asian/Indian heritage, including, well, I'm not going to request the sort of clarity that comes to mind for your anonymity. You ages, schooling status, and general cultural heritage will suffice for now. If there is anything else you can think of that is an issue that we would need to know about to help you with a "work-around", let us know that too.

    Depending on your ages, you may not like what I have to tell you. It may not be what you want to hear, but it will be what you need to hear. If I miss anything, there are others here who will expand on it. A little more info, and we'll take it from there......

  15. Tauriana,

    It depends on how old the two of you are, and if either or both of you have partners. We'll need some more information before we can give you advice tailored to your particular situation.

    For example, if you are teens, our advice will be quite different than if you are in your mid-twenties or beyond. It is also going to be quite different if one or both of you are either married or otherwise in relationships, as opposed to if the two of you are single and fully available.

    Our advice will also depend on which State or (if outside the US) Country you are in. You need not be any more specific than that. As a mod, I can, and do, have a little peek to see. So, in your case, provided the index is correct, where you are, you can't get married, but, it isn't considered a crime. Don't worry, you didn't mention where you are, I'm not going to either. Our members and guests are anonymous here, and I fully well intend to see to it, to the best of my ability, that they remain that way. On that note, please do give us a little more background and information, and we'll do our best to advise you as to what you should do.....

  16. makemelikeyou,

    Then you have arrived at the right place. Share as your comfort level allows. As you do, and make yourself comfortable around here, you will probably get replies from some of the girls here. There are several of them who are with their cousin, and I'm sure they have experienced some of what you are going through.

    Feel free to share what you will, with the knowledge you are as anonymous here as you care to be. This is as good a place as any to air things out....

  17. makemelikeyou,

    Trust me, if you go back and read any of my posts, you'll see I tend to "overshare" and get windy.

    At any rate, with this new information, I'll stick with what I've said toward his end, and now have to ask you how much drama are YOU liable to face from the father of your child? Is he in the picture? If so, what are the visitation arrangements? The likelihood of any visitation remaining the same is probably minimal, unless you are in adjoining States, and travel is not going to be overly burdensome. If it isn't considered criminal incest where you are, and is fully legal where he is, it should be something that can be worked out, but it could get messy, depending again, on your particulars. More to keep in mind going forward.

    Now, as to HIM being a little more nervous than you. Has he found this site? Have you sent him the link? If not, you may as well, and feel free to bring him to this thread. Have him join if he so chooses, and I'll basically tell him the same thing, and do my best to ease his concerns....   

  18. makemelikeyou,

    Yeah, I'm pretty sure we get it, LOL

    Usually, for couples your age, I say go for it. In your case, I'll say it with stipulations. First, we ALWAYS advise to go for it ONLY if both parties are fully available. In your case, it behooves you to cool the jets until such time as the divorce is final. From a more personal perspective, I would encourage you to then let the ink dry a little too. In the meanwhile, keep building the friendship. Virtual attraction and reality can be two different things. The attraction is obviously there, now, you really should build more on the friendship and getting totally on the same page.

    You don't mention if he has kids, or, how nasty this divorce is, or is likely to become if you become an issue. If it's legal where he is, his ex can pitch a b*tch all she wants, but it will be to no avail. Still, why stir the puddin' until such time as it's settled? Stay in the background, and let it all play out, without you being an issue.

    After all the ducks are in a row, THEN you can pull the trigger. At that point, go for it, and don't let anyone stop you. Always remember, cousins are people too, subject to all the qualities and flaws any of the rest of us are prone to. Once you are in this, there are going to be all the typical annoyances, as well as loving moments. You know, toilet paper over or under, the cap on the toothpaste, doing dishes, all of the wonders of domestic bliss. The more of these little issues you have discussed ( and probably laughed about) and agreed on, the easier the transition will be. Since you have not known each other forever, it truly is going to be like going into any other relationship with any random Joe. You have to treat it as such, only realize that you have the added pressure of possible family drama up front, and probable family drama if it ends badly. Get on the same page first, and don't let any of that happen.....

  19. Fox1000,

    Wow. Looks like she don't mind looking a gift horse in the mouth. Methinks she's got at least a touch of an irresponsible streak as well, and I'm sure you'd provide further proof if you were to expand on the situation. No need though. I'll give you my advice easily enough without it.

    First, have you burned your bridges where you were before you moved there? If not, look into going back. I know it will be painful to leave the others you've bonded with behind, but, you've been shot down, my man. You've done your part, now, everyone else can step up. Her asshat needs to drag it back and meet HIS responsibilities. SHE needs to lay in the bed SHE'S made. Playing the white knight was noble of you, but, the time has come for you to move on. You've already spent 10 years pining for her, it's unrequited, so, DON'T SPEND ANOTHER DAY trying to invest in something with no return.

    Cousins are people too, with all the qualities and flaws of any of the rest of us. It's just like being shot down by any other love interest. It hurts, but, you keep breathing. It may be cloudy, but the sun is still going to rise in the east tomorrow morning. New day, new way. I'm actually facing a healthy dose of that right now myself. I have an interview today, and depending on how that goes, I'll make my next move. I have an extremely good chance of getting this job. BUT, if I don't, I've already been planning my next move, and it's liable to be a doozy. I'm looking at packing up and shaggin' arse about 400 miles from here, and starting over. Will it be easy? Not in the least. Would it be in my long term best interest? I think so. At my age, the medical insurance is the only question out there, but if something decent to that effect is available, I'm outta here. I know for sure I need a serious change of scenery, and I think you do too. I also think if you're honest with yourself, you'll admit it, and act accordingly....

  20. daughterofeve,

    On the other hand, if it's still too soon, and isn't within your comfort zone, send a nice card and gift if you feel the need, and use "the money's just too tight to travel right now" as a convenient, and at least partially true, reason for not attending. I know all about awkward. I also know that until you are absolutely certain it is within your comfort zone, you're well within your rights to avoid stepping out of the zone.

    As far as discussing this with your current SO, I will agree with Serendipity. I've had to learn to not bring up previous relationships, so, as far as I'm concerned, why do it? If the topic of previous SO's does come up at some point, then, perhaps, gently, as Serendipity said, go into it. Other than that, if ex's aren't an issue, let sleeping dogs lie...

  21. Brittanie,

    Yeah, first off, don't do anything until you're 18, or it could be 20 years before you get the chance to again. Next, don't do anything as long as he's attached.

    My advice? For the time being, casually stay in contact, while focusing on your schooling. I'll assume you're in HS still, probably a Senior. Focus on getting HS out of the way, and try to decide what you want to do for a living, and go get some further education to that end. Then, when you're 20ish, (I personally prefer 22ish) see where things stand. You have no real reason to get any too serious with ANY guy just yet. Put it on the back burner and let it stew for a while. The age difference is pretty big, but not unheard of. You'll see why 33 and 20 sounds a little more palatable when you're actually 33 and 20. If at that time, he's unattached, then you can pick the conversation back up from where it's already been. You don't need (or WANT) to be the reason his relationship ends. Plus, even in a year, when you are of age, even though you are second cousins, the drama is liable to still be high. He won't be looked at in a good light, even if it's actually you who initiates the relationship.

    Put it on hold for a while, get yourself into a more independent situation, see if he's unattached at that point, and THEN see if there's any potential......

  22. Nikkitv2,

    There is a sticky thread by LadyC, one of our admins, about how to tell your Mom. Many find it helpful. I'll link it here: https://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php/topic,1444.0.html'>https://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php/topic,1444.0.html . There is another one on how to tell your family I'll link here: https://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php/topic,2483.0.html.'>https://www.cousincouples.com/forum/index.php/topic,2483.0.html.

    These will give you a general idea, or, at the very least, ideas to bounce around in molding your own versions based on your particular situation.

    Before we go much further though, a little more information would probably be in order. As with any new member/first time poster, asking for advice, I, as a mod, and having the ability to do so, have a little peek to see where you are. I don't look for specifics mind you, just the Country or State where you are, to first determine if you may be looking at any potential legal issues. And, as I always say, you didn't mention where you are, so, I shan't either. All that said, provided my index is correct, in your country, it is perfectly legal everywhere for cousins to have whatever relationship they choose, up to, and including marriage. A good little bit of information to have in your "arsenal" of facts when you go to break the news.

    Next, we would be curious as to your ages. Our advice varies WIDELY depending on this factor. If you are teens, living at home, our advice is going to be drastically different than if you are in your late 20's or beyond, and out on your own. For those in between, or in various other situations, our advice will vary accordingly. For example, if you are teens, still at home, and going to school, I will always advise to keep it on the down low, focus on your schooling, get smart, get out and independent, then, once you're at least of age, (and I personally prefer 22ish or so) go for it, and don't let anybody stop you. If you are in your 30's, (or older) out on your own, already in the relationship, then, hey, you're big boys and girls, go for it. How "in your face" about it is up to you, and what your comfort level and tolerance for drama allows. Get up to speed on the facts here: https://www.cousincouples.com/ (hit the "menu" tab and have a good look around) Copy anything you feel would be helpful. 

    So, a little more info please, and any related back-story. Such as "We've been sneaking around, and people are starting to get suspicious" or "We've all but got caught, and people are starting to talk/making snide remarks". Personally, if you're of age, and everything else lines up, if it were me, I would just let "the visual" do the talking, or at least break the ice. I would just be seen together a little more often going forward. People being human, will sooner or later start getting nosy, and won't be able to do as they should, and mind their own business. When they ask, have the facts ready, and take them to school. It is THEIR option to accept them, or reject them. It matters not either way. The facts are still going to be the facts. It is not incumbent on you to modify your relationship based upon their reaction, provided you are not dependent upon them for your physical and financial support..... 

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