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Hawk

Moderator
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Posts posted by Hawk

  1. s,

    I'm a mod here, and as far as I know, other than contacting one of us or the admins, I don't know how a guest would pm a member. Without your being a member, I'm not sure I could reply, other than perhaps by e-mail, which I rarely check.

    Personally, I would encourage you to join, and share your story. You are (provided you do as recommended, and pick a random user name, and not your actual name, or the actual names of the other parties involved) quite anonymous here. As a mod, I can have a little peek and see where you are, but I only do so to see what State/Country you are in to try to determine your legal status. I can't see where your home address is, or anything as detailed as that, though it will always give a city. I take that with a grain of salt as well, because it shows me in the city either to the north of me or the one to the west of me. It doesn't matter anyhow. Which State is how the laws are varied. We aren't lawyers, and don't give legal advice, but, we do have a pretty good handle on the various laws, convoluted as they sometimes are.

    If you're still nervous, create an account, and send me a pm. I'm not as active as I once was, but I do check in briefly at least every other day or so, even if I don't have time to log in and stay a while. I'm trying to talk myself into taking a few days off work to catch my breath, so, if you would like, I will take time to actually log in, and see if you have tried to contact me. I won't guarantee I will give you the advice you want to hear. I will do my best to give you the advice you need to hear. I've been flattered (and thereby, humbled) by other members for my advice at times. I've also laid a couple eggs in my time here. I like to say I'm not so good at telling you what to do specifically, but, at my age, and with all the crazy "stuff" I've done, I like to think I'm pretty good at telling you what NOT to do.  :evil: There are many many members who create an account, and never post their story openly, or post anything, for that matter.

    Do not be scared of becoming a member here. You are anonymous here. You will, unless you choose otherwise at some later date, remain anonymous here. I have been here several years now, and have never openly said even my first name here, and have only once given a veiled reference to it in a reply to a member. A couple of the other mods and perhaps a couple of the admins know my name, but they're not talking either.  :wink:  I have said before, and I will openly repeat here again, I personally will destroy my hard drive and face the music for doing so, before I EVER release any confidential information I have about our members here. We've pretty much heard it all. Personally, I seriously doubt there's anything you would tell me that would shock me. I've lived an "interesting" life, lets say, and pretty much seen and done it all. At 53, I'm starting to physically pay for it now, but, If I die in my sleep tonight, I've had more fun than most people will ever be able to have if they live to be 106.

    Join up, and drop me a line if you wish. You don't mention your gender, so, if you're female, I may direct you to Nat, Romalee, or LadyC for the "female touch" if I think their advice would be more appropriate. Remember, this site is here for information and advice. Your discomfort is either based on your own misconceptions, or the misconceptions of others around you. We can fix that, at least on your part, and, anyone else who is willing to learn the facts about cousin relationships....

  2. LydiaMartin,

    Only you two can answer that. If there is already the history of cousin couples in the family, you have one of the major hurdles most encounter cleared. Even though you would be second generation cousins as a couple, you don't mention that his parents are related. Only that yours are cousins. I assume the risks would go up slightly again, but I don't think that it would be an exponential increased risk. Provided there are no known genetic issues of the sort that are associated with cousin relationships existing in your family, the only other increased risk would be for the normal issues there would be for any other couple. For instance, if there is a tendency toward diabetes in the shared line, there would probably be an increased risk of it to your offspring. The same with, say, breast cancer, heart disease, or any of a host of other more common problems. Also, it would depend on how everyone is related. I'll assume one each of your parents are siblings. So, your other parent is a cousin to ONE of his parents. The genetics he receives from his non-related parent will however exponentially decrease the risk of the very uncommon ailments associated with cousin couples and their offspring.

    Should the two of you decide to become a couple, and decide you wish to start a family, we here would recommend genetic counseling. It stands as one of our standard recommendations to folks who have these concerns. With you two being second generation cousins, I wouldn't be overly concerned, but that would be one concern to consider.

    Remember too, that just as "bad" genes can crop up in such "line breeding" if you will, so too will "good" genes have the proclivity to come to the fore. After all, we are animals. In animal husbandry, such pairings as you are describing are quite common to tighten and strengthen desirable traits in a line. There will be the scheduled "out-cross", (such as your cousins' other parent) and then the line is tightened up again. (as with you two) Unless way back up the line, coming down to you two, there is substantial history of cousin couplings, I wouldn't be obsessively concerned about it.

    If I were you, I believe I would set down with him, and find out if he feels the same as you. You may as well explain where you were with your feelings at 12, how they may have changed at 16, and how they have developed to what they are at this point. You have the long distance issue, but, if you're planning to move to where he is, you may as well find out now if this is going to have potential in the future....

  3. The only thing I see changing is a possible increased reluctance on the part of a prosecutor to try first cousins on criminal incest charges. Seeing as how nearly half (and at times OVER, and once upon a time, I suppose ALL) of the States recognize/d the legitimacy of first cousin relationships, up to and including marriage, I do think this puts cousin couples in a better "sister States/reciprocity" position. Prosecutors like notches on their belts, not losses. If one were to try to prosecute first cousins on incest charges, in the not even handful of States where it is a criminal offense, and he sees the defendants are dead set serious on taking it to SCOTUS if need be, rather than have the law thrown out, I think they would drop charges. I know Illinois, and at least a couple other States have quietly stopped charging consenting adults of whatever relation with incest.

    While this ruling DID seem to preclude close kin (not mentioning first cousins specifically, or even closer kin per say I don't think. I haven't read the dryness and blather I'm assuming it is...) with the "third party" language, I do think the reciprocity, historic precedent, and current scientific data arguments would be quiet a hurdle to overcome, given the right advocate... Of course, with this ruling, one could pretty much assume historic precedent would have absolutely NO weight whatsoever.

  4. Steve,

    Legally, you're probably fine. There ARE a handful of States that the verbiage prohibits anything closer than second cousins. If you are in one of those States, then you have to look for specific verbiage that usually says something to the effect of "either by the whole blood, half blood, or adoption." Not all of them include by adoption.

    As a mod, I can have a peek to see which State you're in, but, at this point, I don't have the time to do so. Maybe later this evening, I'll have a look, check the statute where you are, and give you as definitive an answer as we can here, not being lawyers, and not giving legal advice. I'm going to venture a guess though that there's ~85% chance you're fine legally to pursue this.

    That said, I assume you can tell by my reply as to whether or not I think it's wrong to be attracted to her......

  5. Tom,

    No, you don't ask her for sex. You're too young for it, or you wouldn't be here asking such a question. 6 years from now, go for it. For now, put this energy into getting your schooling out of the way, staying close enough that in several years, when the two of you ARE old enough to step it up, you're smart enough to do so, and be able to deal with the consequences.

    What are you going to do, if now, at your ages, she says yes? Well, I know what you'd do, but, what would you do if she said yes, and then got pregnant? Humm? That IS how that whole thing happens you know. Folks older than you slip on their birth control, and they have a better grasp of what they're doing than you do. It doesn't really matter what family would think if you two are 20/21 and engage in the shenanigans, but I'll assure you, that even if they would be fine with it then, they'll have a major high speed come-apart if they find out there's neeked tom-foolery going on now. (And they WILL find out, believe me. Folks twice your age can't hide it for long.) They would go to extraordinary lengths to keep the two of you apart. How do you think that would affect the special relationship you two have? Negatively, I'll guarantee you.

    Put this all on the back burner for the time being, BOTH of you, get your noses in the books. Get smart. Stay close, just don't let things get out of hand. As you get older, since there IS already SOME physical interaction between the two of you, (and, reality being what it is) you could SLOWLY step up the physical. You would be well advised to wait until you are 18 before you take it all the way. As I said, I prefer 20ish, and personally, I recommend 22ish. Me and mine were 20, and STILL not old enough to realize the impact of our actions. Now in our 50's, we do, but it's much to late to go back.

    Sex is wonderful. But, it DOES change the dynamics of a relationship. Not always for the better. You have sex now, and she'll get weird on you. Well, to YOU her behavior afterwards will seem weird. To her, it's just behavior "after" she's given herself to someone. Don't even try to figure out why it changes. I could easily be your grandpa, and I ain't figured it out. You head will explode trying to figure women out. You're too young to be trying, trust me.

    100 years ago, it wouldn't have been any big deal for the two of you to get married even at your ages. But, 100 years ago, you wouldn't have been expected to live a whole lot longer than MAYBE three times the age you are now. Attitudes and maturity levels have changed a whole lot in that time, as evidenced by your being here, and asking what you are. It's kinda like riding a Harley, and people saying "What is it with this Harley thing" and me saying "If you have to ask, you wouldn't understand." Same thing really. If you have to ask, you ain't there yet...... 

  6. confused in seattle,

    Not really. Took me and mine 30 years to get over the "awkward" of it. You may as well break it off with the BF though. Sooner or later it's liable to come out, and turn into a gigantic poostorm. Plus, it isn't really fair to him now, is it? Unless he's also a philanderer, he needs someone who isn't. That may seem a little harsh, but, as a guy, I'd want fidelity. It's something he's lost out of you. I know "sh*t happens", but that still don't make it wash for me. Probably wouldn't fly for him either.......

  7. LOL, that's ok, i got the visual :D

    did this constitutional attorney bother to bring up in his tirade that marriage was never part of the constitution in the first place, because that authority was delegated to individual states?

    No, or if he did, I didn't notice it I was so p*ssed off. I really don't think he did. If he doesn't know any better than to spew BS about cousins, then I seriously doubt he has any clue as to the history of marriage licenses, limits on the Federal government, State sovereignty, (other than they should be allowed to decide if they, individually, want to redefine a married couple) or the Biblical and historic relevance of cousin marriage.

    Every time I hear someone like him, on the right or the left, pontificate such eloquence, I just believe ever so much more that yes, we are indeed screwed.....     :shocked:

  8. Moon Potato,

    While my situation isn't EXACTLY like yours, I do know about being estranged from the cousin.

    Me and mine had what we call our little "moment" a little over 3 decades ago. I know about weird. We let it get weird. (read awkward) We walked away from the whole affair, and it was awkward, for 30 years. We were all but totally out of contact with each other for that time. We saw each other on very rare occasions at a family function of some sort, and she was at one of our class reunions, I forget which one exactly, probably our 20th. We would speak, but never of us. It happened, we didn't regret it, we just didn't go for it. It wasn't that it was so weird for us, but in her mind, it was so weird to the world, that she didn't want to deal with the possible drama. And, I didn't push her. We just walked away from it. Family wouldn't have been an issue. We were born a week to the day apart. We'd met. They knew how close we were.

    About 5 years ago or so, we got back in touch. Not close contact, but, in touch. About 3 years ago, we spent a good amount of time together. One night, we had a nice little set down, and aired it all out. Along about that time, she started traveling for work. When she's home, her kids and grandkids keep her plate overflowing until it's time for her to go out again. She was home here a while back for 3 weeks to a month or so, and we never got the chance to speak. She detests the phone, and even texting, so, I really wasn't surprised. She usually stops in the night before she goes back on the road, but this time, I didn't hear from her. So, she'll get in touch when she wants to, or has time. She's got my number and FB. Being incommunicado was SOP for so long, it isn't really all that out of the ordinary.

    There's no real need for your situation to end in disaster. The ball is in her court. She knows how you feel. Give it time. You may have to give it a LOT of time. She very well may feel the same way as you, but has bought into all the pablum that is the stereotype and taboo nature of it. I would not go out of my way to avoid her, but I wouldn't go out of my way trying to contact her either. If there is a family function, go, be cordial to her, be civil to her, and DON'T wear this on your sleeve. Don't bring it up again. Let her digest it for a while. She may never change her mind, but, there's probably nothing you can do that will cause her to change it. There's plenty you can do to screw up any chance of her ever changing her mind, and make matters worse. Just act naturally, and don't push. She'll miss you. She probably already does, she just can't figure out how to wrap her head around the whole thing. If you weren't family, she'd friendzone you, but, that's a little difficult to do to family, now isn't it?

    In the mean while, get out of the house. Get out and about, and don't dwell on it. You may think she is the best woman in the world for you, but you may just be wrong. I'm seeing a wonderful woman right now. I knew there were such good natured, even tempered women out there, I just didn't see any of them like that giving ME the time of day. Well, guess what? One did. Cuz is one, but, we'll never be together. Much too much water under the bridge now, at the age we are. There are things Cuz and I would have had issues over. Deal-breakers? Probably not, but issues none the less. With this gal, nah. There are a couple things here and there that have cropped up, but it has never lead to raised voices. I'm still in the process of getting use to a calm discussion of an issue as opposed to a screaming tantrum of BS. But, I'm getting use to it. Get out and get in the mix. You can find someone with the same traits that attract you to your cuz, if you're looking, and not hung up on Cuz. Just put it on the back burner for the time being, see the sights, and then be patient enough to see if Cuz does come around some day. While mine never will, yours might. If she sees that there aren't many guys like you around, she may reconsider. If she does, (and maybe even if she doesn't, and is just curious about the topic) what is she likely to do? GOOGLE, LOL. Guess what happens when she does? Near the top, if not the top, is THIS place. Right now there are two Google spiders gleaning information from this site, which adds to it's ranking. The knowledge and information is here. She wouldn't be the first one to stumble in here after a cousin has admitted an attraction, and, having reservations, and thinking "It's Weird", looked into it, if nothing else, out of curiosity. Fear and "weird" are based on a lack of knowledge. Knowledge and the truth will set you free. Maybe she'll find the truth, and maybe not. Just don't you hold your breath waiting on her to, or till she does.....

  9. I have to get in here and vent a little myself.

    First, I don't particularly care one way or another as to who wishes to marry whom. I am concerned with the complete disregard of the traditional view of marriage. Not that I'll be doing it again any time soon, if ever, but, that's neither here nor there either.

    I was furious almost to the point of biting nails Monday though. I was on lunch, and in the background on the radio, I had on the Laura Ingram show. She wasn't there, and I forget who the host was, but they had a supposed "Constitutional attorney" on as a guest. He was railing on and on about this decision. He made the (erroneous) point OVER AND OVER, and I quote "We don't allow first cousins to marry, blah, blah, blah". I wanted to jump through the radio and choke this idiot. Yes Poindexter, first cousins ARE allowed to marry in, I would venture a bet, MORE States than allowed gay marriage 5 years ago. To begin with, originally, (with the exception of possibly the last few States to enter the Union besides Alaska and Hawaii) ALL States at some point allowed first cousins to marry. POSSIBLY excluding Louisiana, since their codes are somewhat based on Napoleonic Law, and not English Common Law. The prohibitions started coming in about the same time the State (and collectively, States) began issuing marriage "licenses". Until about the Civil War, there were only maybe one or two States that issued them. Originally, they were to allow for interracial marriages, which were prohibited by law, even up until as late as 1967. A license is permission from the State to engage in an activity otherwise prohibited. Similar to a dispensation, if you will. That, however, so far as I can tell, is not prohibited by the Bible. And, as WE all know, NEITHER IS FIRST COUSIN MARRIAGE. This idiot was going on and on about it too. I tried to go online and comment to Laura's site, but found no link to comment on the show. I'm not done trying though. God help us all if this buffoon actually IS a Constitutional attorney, and all the rest of them are as well informed as him. Of course, our President is a Constitutional attorney too, so go figure. Maybe we are screwed after all.

    Irrespective of my, or anyone else's views on marriage, or this decision, there is NOTHING Biblically against first cousin marriage, and as we know, God commanded it more than once. There IS scripture, agree with it or not, against homosexuality. For this clown to be on national conservative radio, in all his pompous piety, claiming some sort of moral outrage, all the while disparaging cousin couples, really, REALLY rustled my jimmies.

    ps: I tried to load a pic, of the gorilla with the rustled jimmies, but it says the file is too big. Sucks, because it fits this case perfectly.

  10. Personwithoutanaccount,

    You need to be "young cat with an account" and join.

    I REALLY have to dust off my "broken record speech" to young members and lurkers, and get it back out there in the ether for y'all.

    At the age you are, there is no reason the two of you cannot begin some basic groundwork for a future together, provided you're both on the same page. To figure that out, you may as well try out the old tried and true "If you weren't my cousin" schtick. BUT. I'm going to tell you right now, at your age, you are NOT going to be able to hide it. Since your family unit seems to not have been influenced negatively toward such a relationship from a skewered religious perspective, it doesn't mean they haven't been negatively influenced from a skewered "scientific/genetic" perspective. Atheists can be every bit, if not more, dogmatic in their closed-mindedness as the most pious "religious" person. As young as the two of you are, you are in no position to start such a p*ssing match.

    I'll give you the "Reader's Digest" version of the broken record speech, and try to keep it age appropriate for you two. Here goes. FIRST, focus on school. It's probably summer break right now, but, you focus on the books, and encourage her to do the same. Next, you may as well wade off at least as deep as the old "if you weren't my cousin" thing. If she reacts less than totally positive to it, you have the out of saying "I did say 'IF' you know? IF you weren't my cousin". Feel this out, and see how close you two are to the same page on it. If perchance you both feel the same, I'm going to encourage you to take it VERY slowly. I'm not going to say NO physical interaction, because I know, at your age, realistically, there will probably be some physical manifestation of your mutual affection. However, it behooves you to NOT go beyond what we consider, and you KNOW is age appropriate behavior. I assume I need not tell you that you are in no position to have her turn up in, shall we say, "a motherly way" at 15 yrs old. Ten years from now, who cares, but between now and then, you'd best be prepared for the contingencies. That means keeping your noses in the books, and getting smart. Keeping any neeked shenanigans on the back burner. Stay close, and build the friendship, to where you know each other fully, and intimately, between the ears, before you know each other intimately between the sheets. 

    How close are these older siblings, and just how much older than the two of you are they? Do you suppose they have some sort of "history"? Are you able to confide in your sister to the point she may be willing to help you, and confide in you, if she has, or had, similar feelings toward Cuz's bro? This site is an excellent source of facts, but there is still nothing like hearing it from the "horse's mouth" of someone who's been there. 

    I think you have some potential here, provided you don't push too hard, and move too fast. Keep that in mind in your considerations going forward....

  11. godlaughsatme,

    Oh Lord son, DO calm down. Have you considered that she may have the same attitude, and HER feelings won't change for you? If you are third cousins, I'm almost willing to bet this isn't as unusual as you think. I know a handful of third cousins, but the rest of them could walk up and chat me up for an hour, and I wouldn't know the difference. It would probably take longer than that, and getting to know them a LOT better, (kinda like you two) before the connection would ever be made. You don't share enough DNA that far down the old family tree for it to even register.

    I'd just say something like "You know, I think I may have found out why we are so compatible and are crazy in love. We actually share a little blood somewhere a ways down the line. My Grandpa says we're something like third cousins or so somehow. And you know what? I couldn't care less. It doesn't change how I feel about you one little bit. In fact, it may even deepen my feelings, knowing we have yet another unique connection."

  12. Soranootoshimono,

    I don't know. Has she went all weird on you since then, or have you even talked to her? The ball is in her court. Give it a while and see if she gets in touch with you. If she does, don't bring it up until she does, just act casual. If she seems freaked out by it, you can tell her it kinda freaked you out a little too, until you looked into it, and found out it's really a cultural thing, not based on anything Biblical or scientific. And, that the cultural thing is based on faulty (well, at the very least, incomplete, assumptive) science from the 19th Century.

    I she's willing to hear you out, bring her to the main page here, and show her the links to the Christianity page, and genetics page. If that goes well enough, bring her to the forum, and show her your threads, and our replies.

    Good Luck.

  13. Mick,

    Yeah, that whole "finish each others' sentences / knowing what the other is thinking before they say it" thing can be a little unnerving, can't it?

    I stick by my previous advice. Tread very lightly. This is why I tell everyone these things are very hard to hide. It's nearly impossible for teens, and, even at your ages, (I'm assuming in your late 30's/40ish or so) someone will pick up on it.

    If you think there would have been drama back in the day, ruin two families now, and see what a trainwreck it becomes. Like us, you two had your moment, and like us, you didn't go for it, or, at least stay with it. There's nothing to be ashamed of, unless you do something shameful now. Just do like us, and make the conscious effort to NOT let those old feelings become the driving dynamic of the current relationship. They are what they are, they may bring fond memories, but they have to remain fond memories of times PAST. When that is agreed, the time spent together looses the stress and awkwardness of trying to hide such feelings. Then, being in each others' company becomes that much more enjoyable. No drama.

  14. Boss,

    My understanding of it is that this is about the same reason, culturally, cousin relationships have developed the stigma they have in India. The whole "cross cousin/parallel cousin" business. As you have pointed out, GENETICALLY, there is no difference, unless of course, brothers are sharing a woman, knowingly or not, and sisters are similarly sharing a man.

    As much as the Indian parents have a total and complete meltdown when they discover their cousin children are in love, I bet I could REALLY make them blow a gasket if it were my parents. I would show them the science, then, I would show them the cultural reasons it is considered taboo. Then, I would say "Now, we are NOT brother/cousin-sister/cousin. See? Unless, of course, THERE'S SOMETHING YOU FOUR AREN'T TELLING US...." And then, let the REAL high speed come-apart begin, LMAO. And I'm going to tell you, so help me Lord, if I were in that situation, I WOULD do it. I guess that's why my family don't pull my chain, HAHAHA  :tongue:

  15. ^^^ That right thar Alma.

    Our advice will vary depending on your actual ages, but, if I were you, I would prepare for my "broken record speech" to our younger members. It's about time I broke it out and dusted it off again.....

    I know it sounds bad, but, trust me, it won't hurt a bit, and if you play it out like I suggest, it should help you create a future set by your own terms.

  16. Scorpion Queen,

    I for one have missed you. I hope your studies are going well, and you are going to get a little bit of a break soon. I'm having a hard time getting some time off myself right now. And I KNOW I need a breather. LOL

  17. Lost4ever,

    So far as we know, second cousins can legally get married in India. As you have found out, culturally, it is something else all together. If I were him, I would NOT marry by being forced to do so, and if I were you, I would never agree to be the "third wheel".

    If you CAN get married in India, (and do your due diligence and find out for sure) then I would say that before this "pressure" marriage of his happens, you two should get married. It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is for permission, as you have found out.

    If he lets them bully him into this, he is a jellyfish who will be pushed around by them for so long as they live. Perhaps you should look for a more confident and less easily intimidated partner. Someone who WILL stand up for you, and put his foot down and stick to it.

  18. Roma,

    I got mine back up by going to my forum profile, in the "Personalized Picture" section, choosing "Upload an avatar", then clicking "Browse". It will either take you to "Pictures" on your computer, or "My Computer", where you will click through until you find "Pictures". Click the picture of your choice, then hit "Open" and it should load it to here.

  19. jjohnson212691,

    Roma is correct. You are second cousins. The adoptive part plays no part legally, since second cousins can marry everywhere we know of. Your family is WAY off base, and I seriously doubt there is anything you can say or do that will get them on board. You two are of legal age, but I will agree with Roma on the age difference being an issue as far as maturity goes. When I was your cousins' age, my GF was a year older than you, so far be it from me to cast stones. However, even though everyone said I was mature for my age, (and, I suppose I was) I still wasn't mature enough for a lifetime commitment. Looking back, I probably should have settled down and married that girl. We would have done well for ourselves. She's certainly done well enough for herself. But, I was young, and had to sow my wild oats, and it didn't last. I'm in no way implying your cousin is anywhere near as wild as I was at that time. That would take SOME doing on his part. I just want you to realize there is a maturity difference that will lessen with time, provided you two can survive the drama that long. Demographics being what they are, I do consider that age spread to be desirable. Strictly by the numbers, it allows for a long and happy life, with not so much time alone for one or the other partner in the end, seeing that men usually pass a few years sooner than women. Of course, I could be a little biased as well, as that certainly wasn't the only older woman I was with back in the day. I did like those older women....LOL 

    I'm not so sure that I agree with Roma on that being a bigger factor with the family. Roma IS happily married to her second cousin, so her perspective on the "cousin factor" vs the "maturity factor" will be a little different for her. She knows the facts, whereas your family, I'm sure, has bought into the propaganda about cousin relationships that has developed over the last century and a half or so. Unless and until they are willing to look at and face the facts of the matter, you are banging your heads against a wall trying to convince them. The best way to do so is to be happy together, and not let their foolishness and ignorance of the facts affect your relationship. With time, the drama will lessen. You just have to hold out until it does.

    Going back to his age, is he still in school? If not, IMHO, he needs to be. He doesn't have to be a brain surgeon, (unless of course, he's that smart, and has the means to afford such an education) but he does need to get some sort of education or certifications he can parlay into gainful employment. Are you in a position to support him while he does so? Since I've been here, I've tempered my advice from getting full-blown degrees, to possibly a trade school/certification program for our younger members. It is generally cheaper, less time involved, more focused on the actual job you will be doing, and can lead to better $$$ than many degrees. You will find I'm big on this, and I'm going to encourage you, being the elder, to encourage and support him in this regard. That will speak to YOUR maturity level, and be an obvious example to family that you have his, and the relationships', long term best interest in mind.

  20. Lyinginwait,

    Sorry it took a couple days to get a reply. I'm a busy boy right now, and I'm sure others here are busy as the weather warms up.

    There are things you are doing exactly as I would advise, and there are things you are considering in all of this that I believe you are overly stressing about.

    First, the sleeping arrangements are exactly as I would recommend, especially considering there are impressionable young minds involved. Even when there are not children involved, when there is a fear to "come out with it" to family, but cousins are going to live under the same roof, I always recommend separate sleeping quarters. For one, it "keeps up appearances" for nosy friends and family, as well as offering each their own space.

    Perhaps you are deluding yourself a little as well. I think the reason your friend wasn't more responsive, was, you weren't totally forthcoming, and she can tell it, and was waiting on "the rest of the story". Why would you tell her that you were physical with your cousin, and NOT that the reason is because he IS so wonderful?

    You don't give your ages, but, believe me, you aren't old enough to pull the wool too far over the eyes of your family. For those in their 50's and beyond, why bother trying? For those in their 30's, and even 40's, it is difficult. For those in their 20's, it's REAL difficult, and as I always tell the teens who come here, for them it is virtually impossible to hide a relationship such as this. After three years, with several ups and downs, trust me, SOMEONE in the family has picked up on it. It's just that, like you, nobody wants to talk about the elephant in the room. So, why do it? I never really have got the whole "coming out" thing. Why not just act naturally ALL the time? I realize you are very nervous about it. So, just take it slowly, and ease everyone into the idea of it. Do you ever hold hands in front of family? Does he open the door on the car for you? Seat you at the family table, and then take a seat next to you? If not, he should, and you should let him. Maybe not this weekend, but, ease into it. Have him open the door for you, and offer his arm to walk you to the house, and you take his arm. The picture of you on his arm is more than subtle, yet platonic enough. Once they are comfortable with that, move to other such subtle, mannerly behavior. And yes, sooner or later, someone may call you on it. There is ALWAYS SOMEONE in the family who just can't keep their mouth shut. They just HAVE to know, even though it isn't any of their business, since it isn't THEIR relationship. If someone pries, I personally wouldn't be too subtle in my response. I would say something to the effect of "Well NunYa, If you MUST know, we DO have separate beds that we EACH use, thank you very much. For now, suffice it to say we enjoy each others company to the extent that we aren't looking for anyone else. Our situation works for us. If it develops further, we'll be sure you're the first to know, OK?" And then I'd drop it. Of course, if it's one or the others' Mother, I'd probably draw them off into a private conversation, and not be QUITE so rude, but every bit as determined. You two are adults. You get your lives to live the way that makes you happy. Friends and family aren't going to make you happy by bending you to their will, no matter how hard they try. After all this time, I think it's time you accept the fact that he's who it is that make you happy, and then BE happy, and let it show that you ARE happy.   

  21. sassy :),

    If he is your grandpa's brother's grandson, he is your second cousin. So far as we know, second cousins are legal to marry everywhere. WAY out in front of where you two are at this point, but, good information to have under your hat if things ever do progress further.

    There is no reason for you to think that you are "closer than you should be" either, unless there is something physical going on in which there is reluctance on one or the other's part. Since you don't mention any such thing, I'm going to call this (so far) platonic relationship perfectly healthy for a pair of young adults such as yourselves.

    So as we don't hijack this thread, perhaps you would like to join, and start a thread of your own, with a little more information. Like, are you still in school? (You should be, IMHO) Is he, or is he out on his own, and working? Things like that. Where the two of you are in life will determine the direction and speed with which we would advise you to proceed..... and even tips on HOW to proceed. Have you tried the ole "tried and true" "If you weren't my cousin, _________________" line on him to try to gauge his feelings by his reaction?

  22. JackQ,

    Don't be quite so quick with the pity for him, and others with disabilities. Most people with them find a way to cope just fine. You may be underestimating the human spirit too much. Many do find love, and have families even. Many times the children are NOT affected by the same disability as the parent(s) either.

    At least here in the U.S., the ADA has greatly improved access to not only buildings, but, by extension, society at large. Those with disabilities now have more opportunities than ever to succeed and live full, prosperous lives......

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