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恋しいのうめ

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Everything posted by 恋しいのうめ

  1. Thank you Serendipity! I'm glad I was able to make your day, hope yours gets better! I doubt our families would be able to speak to us kindly, that's just the way they are. I don't keep in touch with my immediate family since we had a falling out, it's my husband's mother that I worry about. His sister can at least be civil but I don't think his mother will ever be understanding. She was hurt pretty bad by the news and the women in our family can definitely hold grudges. I'll leave communications with her to my husband. I will have to stay strong for my family as my husband will be hurting from this for quite a while. I will definitely keep everyone's advice in mind.
  2. Thanks KC! His sister isn't supportive but she talked some sense into my husband so we're not divorcing. We are still moving up north in a few months so we don't run into our family anywhere and for my husband's schooling. She did say that we are cruel for involving his mother and having our son because he won't have grandparents or family like a normal child is entitled to have. But I'd rather have my son surrounded by people that love him than his blood related family that would scorn him.
  3. The possibility of having children with a genetic disorder is only 2-4% higher than regular couples. That risk is nore likely if consanguineous marriages run through your family. If you two have pretty healthy families you should be good. It is possible to have healthy children with your cousin, my husband and I did it! I can understand your fear of her leaving you and never coming back. If her affection has changed, maybe some distance will get her to realize her feelings. She may come back to you or she may not. My husband and I had a period like this when we were younger. It took 3 years apart to realize we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. If she doesn't come back to you would you be able to move on?
  4. As a Filipino living in the US I can understand your situation. You mentioned it is a long distance relationship. Is it because the both of you live in separate provinces? Since you both are still so young I would hold off on any efforts to be together until she graduates college, has a job, and the both of you financially independent from your families. If the two of you want to get married legally get out of the Philippines and in a country that supports cousin marriage. This is something you can research while she is still in school in the meantime. As for your parents if in your gut you think they will not accept your relationship no matter what you say to them, DO NOT TELL THEM!!! We made that mistake with my husband's mother and she preferred not to know and that when news of our relationship comes around to the rest of our family she wishes she will be already dead. The both of you can just separate yourselves quietly from your families to go off and be together. I know it will be tough that you won't be able to see or speak with your families but, believe me, it's for the best. If the both of you want to have children, seek genetic counseling. While the both of you are still close to your families, ask around and see if you have histories of genetic diseases within your families. Any information you get will be of great help for the genetic counselor. Get screened to see if either of you are carriers of any diseases. My husband and I did this while I was pregnant with my son but we are definitely going to do more thorough testing before we decide to have another child. Be sure you have a good support system wherever you are before you decide to have children, you will both definitely need it. I wish you the best of luck in your relationship and keep us posted.
  5. I honestly don't think she will be supportive but at the very least his mother will have someone to talk to about the situation. That is his aim for now until we decide what to do.
  6. Serendipity and KC, I understand the both of you don't mean to sound harsh and really do care. I appreciate the advice as well. Believe me, I agree that divorcing will only make our lives that much more difficult. Nothing is final yet and it was only just a plan. I just wanted to vent about it at the time. My cousin is going to talk to his sister about the whole situation today hoping to gain an ally in her. I'm not sure how much better it will make the situation considering she tried to out us before. We will find a way through this somehow and I pray to God it doesn't involve divorce.
  7. Can you be more specific as to what the two of you want to do in the future? How is your family's stance towards your relationship? Also some background information, such as your ages and financial situations would help also.
  8. Thanks LadyC, I appreciate the kind words. Definitely trying to stay positive by focusing on the temporary part of all this. We have a small group of friends that are supportive of us and our relationship. That's why they were upset when we told them we were getting divorced, even if it's temporary. I think I should be fine with them around. Filipinos are very superstitious so hurting his mom was what we call busong for us. It's sort of like karma and my cousin definitely believes it. Me I'm just being cautious because of the accident. They also view divorce and having children out of wedlock as a bad thing also. Fortunately my parents don't know about any of this, I've been out of contact with them for 3 years. I've also separated myself from the family but my cousin hasn't yet. Once the divorce is final that's when he'll separate from the family, including his mom. I'm just ready for the fresh start together when we move up north. I hope the time apart will pass quickly.
  9. My cousin got a chance to properly speak with his mother about our marriage and son. She continues to blame me for everything that happened (ruining lives, families, etc. I don't blame her since both me and my cousin are responsible for ruining our family.) and she thinks I'm evil. She badmouthed me to my cousin and she hoped we didn't give our son his last name (we did). She now looks at babies with sadness instead of joy. Her solution is for us to get a divorce, change our son's last name to my maiden name, leave me and our son, and move on with his life. All to save her reputation within our family and his. So we're doing exactly that. We're getting a divorce to put her at peace (we're not changing our son's name though). Filial piety and reputation are very important in the Filipino culture so we are preserving those things for her. We hope this will partially stop the nasty chain of events that have been happening (my son and I were in an accident a few days ago, my car was totalled but we are both alright) because we hurt her. We hope with this move she will be somewhat happy. My cousin will give her a copy of the divorce papers and walk out of her life forever. We're only doing this to prove a point and to preserve her sanity. Our relationship is not truly over though. We'll make it so we look like we're truly divorced by living in separate places after the lease ends on our current place and him visiting us from time ro time. As long as we live near our family we have to look like we are. However, we're both going to save up so we can move further up north and get remarried (hopefully an actual one instead of a courthouse ceremony) in a year. At that point we'll give our family the middle finger and leave. Even though we have a solid plan I just hate that it involves us getting a divorce. I hate that our son won't be able to see his father everyday at such a young age, even if it's only temporary. It kills me that I have to live as a single unwed mother for a while to make his mother happy. I hate how we have to sacrifice our happiness for tradition and cultural values. I know he hates it as much as I do, but we have been selfish so we have to make sacrifices. I don't expect anyone to understand our reasons for doing this, even our friends don't fully understand it. I don't want anyone calling my cousin a mama's boy or not strong enough to handle a relationship with me. I just wanted to vent or maybe get some advice on the divorce process and living alone with an infant.
  10. My husband/cousin says your cousin is a shriveled appendage. Dump him and move on asap. You deserve better than this guy.
  11. I thought so too but I still wanted to give my 2 cents lol.
  12. Go to genetic counseling and research both your family histories of diseases. My husband, who is my first cousin, and I have a healthy and normal son together. Plenty of members have also had healthy children with their cousins also. The risk of first cousins having children together are only 2%-4% higher than non-related couples. That risk increases if previous consanguineous marriages were present in either of your families. Don't listen to everyone! It is possible to have healthy children, just be smart and do your research!
  13. Oops I failed to reread the first part of your post. I blame sleep deprivation and new motherhood. Sorry! I understand what you are going through as my husband and I are currently going through the aftermath of the worst case scenario in this situation. My husband told his mother about me and our son and she did not take it well at all. We are just staying strong for our son and taking refuge in each other. I'm not sure what the laws are regarding cousin marriages in South Africa or how your culture is like, but it seems like you guys come from a conservative family. If your cousin really loves you he will stand his ground and stay by you. Show your cousin this site and gather all evidence from both sides of the argument regarding cousin relationships before telling your families. If they don't take it well at all at least the both of you are able to move somewhere far to get away from the negativity. The both of you will just have to get over it and take refuge in each other. Tell each other how much you love each other and how the battle you are fighting together is worth the pain of family disapproval.
  14. Western media potrays cousin relationships as a sick joke and they are hardly shown at all. The public focuses too much on the ick factor and the potential genetic defects within offspring produced by cousin couples. Even my medical record shows my marriage to my cousin as an ongoing health issue. I don't think the Western world is becoming more accepting of cousin couples. It would be legal in more states if it was!
  15. Rosy, It would help to know how old the two of you are, where you are from, and if the two of you are financially independent. It may affect the type of advice readers give you.
  16. Meadows, I can't say exactly what your relatives intentions are when they say those comments about you. I do think you are reading too much into it, just let it go for now. As for your cousin and your feelings for her, there really isn't much to do in terms of trying to conceal your feelings while confronting her about hers. You can try asking hypothetical questions to test the waters; ask her how she feels about cousins getting together. If she doesn't like the idea don't press the issue further and leave it at that. If you get the feeling she is ok with the idea go into more specifics, like asking her how she feels about you. Keep going from there until you get to admitting your feelings. If she rejects you don't worry. You are still very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. As for your dreams about your hypothetical daughter, dreams have a weird way of telling us what's on our minds and this issue definitely is weighing heavily in yours. Telling your cousin how you feel may help you "control "them somewhat.
  17. I'm glad you are doing better for yourself. It's always encouraging to hear people come out on top after gong through tough times. As for approaching your cousin I'd say the best way to approach her is to be straightforward and honest. Let her know that you want to have a friendly relationship with her and you're a better person than you were in the past. Tell her your goal of getting closer to your relatives and I'm sure she will understand. If she doesn't at least you were honest. I play video games and I've heard of the Fire Emblem series but I've never actually sat down and played any of them. This one has me intrigued, I might just try this one and go from there. Welcome to the forums!
  18. I'm glad everything worked out between you and your cousin and at least some of your family supports you. I hope you and your cousin continue to be happy and have financial stability soon. I recently had a healthy son with my husband/cousin as well. I'm glad there are others that have had healthy children. Although it sucks that consanguineous marriage will continue to be labeled as an ongoing health problem on my medical record at least it's not a huge factor in determining my future children's health.
  19. I probably should have put that we are of Filipino descent in the list of facts. Since our parents are from the Philippines they still have the traditional thinking of the country; relationships between cousins are considered taboo. If his mother ever does come around it will most likely be a very long time from now. Lady C thank you for the reassuring words. I definitely agree and we are taking refuge in each other and our friends that support us. Our son is our highest priority and we can't afford to let this get to us, especially if we want him to be strong.
  20. We are of Filipino descent but my screen name is in Japanese. We know the rest of our family is against us having a relationship because my mom spread rumors around the family about us being together and we were able to get a glimpse of their reactions. People did not take it well even if they didn't believe the rumor. We denied the rumors, even though they were true, to save face for ourselves and my husband's mother. My mom doing what she did and not believing me was another reason why I had a falling out with her. I appreciate your blunt response. My husband and I are pretty blunt people so I can understand you're trying to help. I would love nothing more than to tell off my entire family but the political nature of our family prevents me from doing so. I just told my husband that if his mother and our family are going to be that negative towards us I don't want to surround our son or future children around that. They are already going to have to deal with stupid strangers who don't understand I don't want to add our family to that. So I've just been trying to be strong for my husband and son telling them that everything will be alright if we will it to be. I feel like that's all I can do.
  21. So I posted my story in the "Our Love Stories" section, which you can find here: I mentioned at the last part that my husband/cousin told his mother about our relationship and our son a few days ago, which she did not take well at all. She does not want to have anthing to do with our son and refuses to acknowledge him. She thinks I'm responsible for ruining both her life and my husband's life. I don't care what his mother says about me. What I do care about is leaving her in a difficult position in our family and how much it affects my husband. Our shared side of the family is so traditional we have our own political arena. My husband's mother is already a family pariah because she took me in during my time of need. My mother is in the inner circle of the family. If people find out about our relationship both my parents and his mother's reputation would be ruined. However, it would affect his mother more because she took me in and our relationship was happening under her own roof. It will make her look stupid. My husband has been feeling very anxious about his mother's reputation within the family. He sort of regrets telling her because she could have at least denied it had she not known and people tried to ask her about it. His mother told him she would keep quiet about the matter and we've been careful to avoid anywhere our family might go; the chances of them or anyone she knows finding out are pretty slim. He also worries about her health. She brought up that she's going to need to scream in her car to stay sane and not being able to eat. He's starting to think his mom is right, that we may have cursed ourselves and our children. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? If so, how did you deal with it?
  22. Hi everyone! I haven't been on in quite a while but a lot has happened within the past few years. I haven't fully told our story but I got the go ahead from my cousin, now husband, to do so. First here a few facts: We are first cousins, our mothers are sisters We live in the USA but we're of Filipino descent We are 5 years apart and our birthdays are 3 days apart Ok here's our story... It all started a few years after his family moved from the east coast to the west coast. His mom wanted to be with her side of the family, our shared family. I was a junior in high school and he was working nights at a job that my mom helped him get. We were already close because we shared the same interests, so we would spend time with each other both during family gatherings and on our own. Occasionally he would pick me up from school and spend time at my parents house since it was on his way to work. He'd also occasionally sleep on the couch at my parents house if he was too tired to drive home after he got out from work. Since he was around more often we got closer. My birthday comes around and we had a party at my parents house. He asked me what I wanted and I told him I wanted to go to Disneyland. So he asked my mom if he could take me the day after and she said okay. So we spent the whole day there and it felt like a date. I already had a bit of a crush on him at that point but this day my feelings for him grew into love. A few months later our families took a vacation to the beach. We visited landmarks around the area and during the car rides we would listen to music on my iPod, which involved sharing my headphones and sitting close to each other. The close proximity and spending time with each other that weekend awakened his feelings for me. We were texting each other a lot during the day and calling during the night after he got home from work and everyone's asleep. A few months after the beach vacation we admitted that we have feelings for each other over the phone one night. He ended up visiting my parents house more frequently so he could see me. We would play video games together until he had to go to work. We grew even closer. After my cousin got some advice from someone he broke off our relationship. He started to feel like what we were doing was wrong because of our relation and the age difference. He stopped texting me and avoided me at family gatherings He eventually stopped going completely until he brought a new girlfriend around the family. I eventually moved on with another boy and we drifted apart. Fast forward a few years later when I was in my last years of college. My cousin was in a slump after his father passed away so he was going to community college part time. We started talking to each other again and got close. Since my school was close to his mother's house I would come visit during long breaks or after my classes were over for the day. We had a joint birthday party at his mother's house one weekend and we decided to try our relationship again. We realized our feelings for each other never really went away and we officially started dating. Two years roll by and I have a falling out with my parents. I felt I had no freedom at their house even though I was in college. So I packed my important things and my cousin took me to his mother's house where he was living. She took me in for a year until she asked me to move out due to conflicts with my cousin's sister. I had graduated college and had a job at the time so I was able to rent an apartment with the help of one of my friends. My cousin got a job at the recommendation of one of his teachers, so he was working full time and going to school. My friend moved out of the apartment and I was able to stay with my cousin helping me out with rent. Eventually he moved in and we lived together. Two years and another apartment later we found out I was pregnant. We were really scared and uncertain of our ability to provide financially but we decided to keep it. We talked to a genetic counselor and she said we had nothing to worry about since our family doesn't have history of consanguineous marriages or genetic diseases. We got married at a courthouse with our closest friends present in April and had a normal, healthy baby boy last month. He is so smart and is developing so fast! Yesterday my husband decided to tell his mother about our son since he turned a month old. He wanted his mother to be part of our son's life. He tried to do it without revealing me as the mother but she kept pressing the issue. Once he told her she did not take it well at all. She said a lot of messed up things: our child's life is ruined, I ruined both her life and my husband's life, we made the wrong decisions, etc. Basically his mother doesn't want to acknowledge our son as her grandson and thinks he's a bastard child. She thinks our marriage is invalid and my husband should leave me and our son to save face for himself and for her reputation. Despite all the terrible things she said my husband stood his ground telling her he won't give up on us and he loves us. She told him she will keep everything a secret but she doesn't condone what we're doing. We both knew the price we would pay for our decision to be together, but my husband is still angry and upset about the way his mother took the news. He regrets telling her and doesn't stop thinking about it. We know our children may have a hard time because people don't understand us. We have been raising our son with the knowledge of our relationship so he won't feel ashamed of his roots. I hope he will grow up with an open mind and thick skin. My parents don't know anything about us or our son to this day. I haven't spoken to them in almost 3 years and I don't plan to ever after what happened with my husband's mother. Our mothers don't speak to each other so there's no chance of my parents finding out through his mother. Even though we don't have support from our families we have friends that accept us and are basically our family. Despite the rough situation we're in we are happy together and we love our son.
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