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About luvher4ever

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  1. luvher4ever

    So in love

    Lost: you write, "Keep fighting for him or let him leave my life altogether?" And that, my friend, is the $64,000 question. *On one hand, you can't MAKE him love you; you can't MAKE him stick around and give it his best shot. At some point, all of us who have been in this situation have to face that reality. There was a good book a few years ago titled, "Loves Me; Loves Me Not." I found its advice helpful. Another one is "Getting Past What You'll Never Get Over," by John F. Westfall. Believe me, I know what lost love is like, and it's sheer h**l. The pain endures for years. And you can pine away in loneliness, or you can take those lemons and make lemonade. *On the other hand, "it ain't over 'til it's over." If he is really the love of your life, DON'T GIVE UP until you've exhausted every possibility. Keep him talking, and keep talking to him. IMHO, you need to make it clear that your family love (because he's your cousin and family is really important) is never going away, no matter what happens to your romantic love. That family love is unconditional; you'll always be cousins and he can't do a darn thing about it! But you can also tell him, "There's nothing you can do or say that will make me stop loving you." And what does he mean, "you've been holding him back"? From what??? At his age, somebody needs to tell him to grow a pair. That means confronting the family about something that you (presumably both of you) think is supremely important. IT CAN BE DONE! People have survived much worse. (There's even a great letter available on this site for you to write to your parents (or whoever else thinks it's their business). If you both were 18 or 21 or something, I wouldn't come on so strong about this, but you're both grown-ups. Well, I hope this gives you something to think about. (And I KNOW you have!) And there will be people on this site who will give you advice that's different from mine, and that's OK. I'm not an expert in counseling, or in relationships, but I am a long-standing expert on lost love---I have loved my cousin for over fifty years now. It does not go away.
  2. Interesting that in Britain, where cousin marriage is legal, there is so much social prejudice against it. In the 19th century, many many of the wealthiest English families married their first cousins, often to keep the estate intact and in the family. Read Adam Kuper, "Incest & Influence: the private life of Bourgeois England" (Harvard University Press, 2009). Charles Darwin married his cousin. Albert Einstein and his wife were cousins. Some recessive genes, eh? There's also a great book by Johanna Garfield called "Cousins" (1990). A good library will probably have these, or can get them for you via Interlibrary Loan. Most of the US state laws against cousin marriage were adopted in the late 19th-early 20th century under the influence of the "Eugenics movement;" which was an effort at scientific breeding of human beings. Planned Parenthood was the leading organization promoting this. It included things like sterilizing women and men of the lower classes (usually without their knowledge/consent). The marriage of people of different "races" was considered degenerative---not only blacks and whites, but either with American Indians; Nordics with Italians or Slavs; all of it, of course, absolute baloney. The Nazis liked this Eugenics idea; they tried to exterminate people with mental and physical handicaps, and even chose carefully-selected perfect German women to be "brood mares" for men of the elite S.S.---they called that program Lebensborn. So a lot of the anti-cousin-marriage laws and prejudices came from that whole can of worms. States that were in the U.S. before approximately 1865 don't usually have these laws. So maybe knowing some of this history will help you realize that your situation is quite "normal", in addition to the sound medical information already mentioned in this thread.
  3. You're very wise in this. Apart from the drug problem, this situation is fraught with danger, for reasons other people have pointed out. But the drug issue complicates things exponentially. There is no place in America (or the developed world) where drugs are not available to those who want them. I hope she'll be in a drug therapy program, because you CANNOT be her drug therapist. (Even if you're trained in that field, you can't do it for your sister or your spouse. Trust me.) If you are a person of faith, PRAY earnestly and diligently for her; for her son; for yourself; for your cousin/spouse/partner; for your mother.
  4. Unique asks: "Do you stay in close touch with your cousin ??" Pretty much. I send her flowers for her birthday. We see each other two or three times a year at family events. We talk on the phone every few months (usually for an hour or so). We text sometimes. Can't really email, b/c she & her husband share an email account. We take a deep interest in each other's children and grandchildren. (When my daughter lost a baby, my cousin was extremely supportive and comforting.) When I see her or talk to her, I'm definitely on a high for several days. It's infinitely better than never hearing from her, but it's also saddening to realize again that there's no future. As far as marriages ending, that's just "not in the cards" for either of us; our family is dead set against breakups; marriage is a life sentence.
  5. All of this has been really interesting. When my CL and I were teenagers, we thought a lot alike, with same values and interests. We both loved her father, and neither of us liked her mother. We both loved my mother, and neither of us liked my father. She usually knew what I was thinking, and I usually was so clueless that I couldn't guess what she would do next. Anyway, a lot of great memories from then. :cry: We both married other people, and over the years each of us has become more like our spouse. She married a preacher, and seems to have become a Goody Two-shoes, which she was surely not at 16. (But she still harbors feelings for me at some level; I can't figure it out.) (The more I think I understand it, the less I actually understand! If that makes sense.) My wife and I get along well, but mostly because I just don't fight her. I like peace more than conflict, but I'm afraid I've built up some resentments over the years. (We don't talk about those.) If she wants something, she'll get it in the end, so it might as well be sooner as later. I have learned over the years that I can predict my wife's reactions more accurately than those of my cousin. All this doesn't change the fact that my cousin is the One Great Love of my Life.
  6. Congratulations! It seems like there are not enough happy endings on this site; I'm sooooo glad to hear yours! You were so wise to stick with it and not to take No for an answer. :grin:
  7. "If I can't be with him, I won't be with anybody - it just isn't fair to the other guy, and it causes more problems than it ever fixes. Basically, I'd rather die alone if I can't be with him during this lifetime." I felt that way, too, and in retrospect I've often wondered if I should have stayed with that. I knew I wasn't cut out for a life of celibacy, though, so I bit the bullet and married "contestant number 2." Extended family happy; kids, grandkids, career, all that stuff. But after more years than you've lived, I still wonder if I made the right decision. Have I moved on? Honestly, I don't know. At times I think I have; at other times not so much. (My cousin-love knows I'm still struggling.) My therapist is the only one who knows the whole story, and he really doesn't know what to do with it. :cry:
  8. MissyX reminded me of something significant to add: when my wife and I were dating/engaged and went somewhere, particularly with her parents, a lot of people thought we were siblings. (We don't look so much alike nowadays!)
  9. Yeah, genetics can be crazy. Sometimes a distinctive feature passes from one generation to the next; sometimes it skips a generation or two. I have cousins who look a lot like our great-grandmother. I look like my mother's relatives, but one of my brothers looks like our dad's relatives. Our dad, in turn, looked like a cousin of his mother's (and could easily be confused with him), but one of his brothers looked very much like their father. And as far as appeal goes, sometimes we're attracted to a cousin because we seem to share physical attributes (facial structure or body type, for instance); but sometimes (often, I think) that attraction is more subtle: we're attracted to a cousin because we share similar psyches or something; and sometimes it's because we share a common heritage so understand each other better than a stranger could.
  10. "We Kiss in a Shadow" from The King and I. (Yes, it's old, but so are we.)
  11. Crush at 14; love at about 17. Pain and suffering ever since.
  12. I know how you feel when you say "i don't love this girl as much as i make myself love her." Trying to love this girl is like doing homework, right? Like doing your chores? And it will take a long time for that to change---if it ever does. It can be done, but it's a heckuva lotta work. And maybe it will never make you forget your cousin-love; maybe it will. But you and your cousin are going to have to work out how much you love each other, and whether the wishes of other relatives matter more than your own love and happiness. Either they will accept it, or they'll come around, or they won't; but it's your life (lives) to lead. I know how important the extended family is, and that's part of God's plan; but I also know that there comes a time when the extended family isn't there---in the normal cycle of life, some of them will die, your siblings will move away and have families of their own, maybe you'll find yourself living in another part of the country. If you're married to someone you are forcing yourself to love, rather than someone you genuinely and wholeheartedly love, it becomes harder, not easier, to continue to force yourself. Eventually, you just kinda give up, b/c it's easier to stay married after all those years than to split up. Do you want that kind of marriage? So I don't know exactly what my advice to you is. Except this: If you and your cousin know your own minds and genuinely love each other, don't ever give up!
  13. I agree with Serendipity; it's good advice. Like him/her, I'm not for a minute denying the reality of your feelings. I fell in love with my first cousin at about the same age, and I remember perfectly how angry it made me to be told "You're too young to know whether it's love." :evil: Go back through history, and tons of people have known love at this age. Check out Romeo and Juliet; Evangeline and Gabriel; Anthony and Cleopatra (Anthony was older but Cleo. was a teenager); and on and on. However, since you and your cousin see each other so seldom, you'd be far wiser to cool your jets until and unless you're closer geographically. (Unfortunately, I didn't; the romance died but my love didn't. I nearly died, in fact. Thank God, I didn't.) :cry: It's a tough situation; you may get over it and you may not. Try writing about your feelings and experience---songs, poems, short stories, a diary. Just NEVER show them to anybody. :lipsrsealed: But it can help you define where you are and relieve some of the interior pressures you're feeling.
  14. DazednConfused said, "Don't back down or agree just to save face." I wanna underline that, CAPITALIZE IT, itlicize it, shout it from the rooftops. Through the years, I've never had the cajones to disagree with her when we talked about us. Bad mistake! :cry: I guess I've felt that my point was obviously clear and correct, and so was unwilling to defend it in an argument with her--I was afraid of being a bully. Argued just once--but that was too late; we were already married to other people & had kids. If you love her, DON'T GIVE UP!
  15. Listen to Nattana, Hawk, and Lady C! And take it from one who's been there---and is there right now: if you walk away from the love of your life because she's your cousin, you will indeed regret it the rest of your life. (This doesn't mean there won't be problems in your life, but it means you'll not have to live with fifty years of regret.) :cry: If it will make you feel any better, there is Genetic Counseling. When my first cousin married our third cousin, they got genetic counseling (Mostly, he wanted to reassure our Grandmother, who was the only relative to go ballistic! She settled down after that.); their children were all brilliant. (Two were star athletes in college and one is a well-known illustrator.) My profoundest advice is, RUN, DO NOT WALK to a jewelry store and buy this woman a diamond. Marry her as soon as possible and get busy on those babies! :grin:
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