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luvher4ever

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  1. I posted about this in March 2012, when I was really down about the whole thing. That summer, I had a long talk with another cousin, and he helped me see that it was wrong to cling to the past. I should focus on the wife that God gave me. OK, that helped, and I thought I was finally over pining for our cousin. But it's still hard to see her at weddings and funerals and NOT think about "what might have been." That's the thing that makes cousin-love so hard to get over: she's still part of the extended family, and our family is all so close it's impossible to cut her out of my life. But this summer I've come to realize that I didn't really "get over it." I'm back to being depressed, moody, preoccupied. Bottom line: my wife is a wonderful woman, but she's not the one I love emotionally. I wish it weren't this way, but it is. My cousin and I were/are soul-mates, and there doesn't seem to be any way to change that.
  2. I congratulate you, Pepe, and your cousin. It's so great to hear of a story with a happy ending. May you have many years of bliss together! I can't agree with people who say "take every opportunity to be happy," because that sounds too much like unrestrained hedonism. But I do say, "seize the opportunity." It may only come once. I chickened out, bypassed the opportunity, and have spent a lifetime regretting it. Glad you had better sense than I did!!
  3. She's 2 months older than I am, and I've been "smitten" with her ever since we were 14. Really in love with her since about age 17. My stomach still does flipflops when I see her or hear her voice. We've always been there for each other when we need it, and that's absolutely wonderful. But we're both married to other people, and my feelings are a mixture of love, regret, and terror.
  4. Congratulations on your upcoming engagement/marriage, and on a happy outcome. :grin: Just curious: why "nerdy"? You don't sound like a nerd, and nothing you've told us about him sounds nerdy, either.
  5. Bearbait, I've been away from this board for several months and just now found your shocking news. I am so sorry to learn of your loss. It's only been a couple of months now and I know you're still reeling from this, and my heart breaks for you. It is so wonderful that you "talked" with him on the day of his death. You have the satisfaction of knowing that your love was mutual, and can take added comfort that you did nothing dishonorable or sinful but honored your commitments. May God give you comfort and peace.
  6. Hawk, I really appreciate your advice. It's sound and sensible. Like you and the others on this thread, my cousin and I backed away from it all when we were in college, and I've never ceased to regret/mourn that. But we've both been married to other people for many years, and I guess it just took me longer than most folks to recognize that my cousin and I are getting old and nothing magical will ever happen again. But I've finally accepted that. I think we've reestablished a good friendship. We have gotten together with our spouses as "chaperons," and when it's my wife there, things go pretty well (but nothing deep). When her husband is around, though, it's really bad. He's very loud, self-centered, and obnoxious; "An ego as big as all outdoors." I always feel like he's condescending to me; and the two of them constantly argue and talk over each other. In short, I've never liked him and the years have not improved him; and at least when we're all four together, he seems to bring out the worst in her. (BTW, my wife and my cousin are good friends, and my wife agrees with my assessment of "The Ego.") I also am constantly afraid that my eyes will betray me when I'm around my cousin: will the longing and pain still show? My life is summarized in a six-word autobiography that somebody posted on CC somewhere: "Found true love. Married someone else."
  7. It's been many years, but I still remember those things like they were yesterday. I didn't really meet my cousin until we were 14 (b/c her father worked overseas). I was drawn to her the moment I laid eyes on her: she was graceful, modest, with a shy smile which melted me into a little puddle. She had perfect translucent skin (like a china teacup) and soft brown hair, but it was not simply her physical beauty that drew me. Within a few hours we discovered how much we had in common, and both of us felt completely comfortable talking with each other. (Well, except that my heart was doing double-time flip-flops!) We were both a lot more insecure than we appeared to be, b/c her mother was a capital-B [word which rhymes with Witch], and my father was a capital-B [word which rhymes with Mastered]. (Later on, we both spent a lot of time in therapy sorting that stuff out.) But she was the first and only girl/woman I have ever felt completely open and free with. That openness faded after she lost her courage and gave up on us, but there are still times when we can talk with that old intimacy. :cry:
  8. Two absolutely wonderful novels are by Syrell Rogovin Leahy: Family Truths and Family Ties. (It's the same family, same cousin-love in both books.) A lifetime of loving and longing. Both are out of print but available used through Amazon. After reading some of the posts above, I got Meet Me Under the Ombu Tree and just finished reading it. I think it's fantastic! :smiley: And I've just started Jude the Obscure. So many of the other suggestions are out of print and there don't seem to be any used copies floating around.
  9. Do you ever get over the feeling of being "in love"? Yes; I had girlfriends I thought I was "in love" with but that faded away completely. Do you ever get over truly loving someone? I doubt it; at least I sure haven't, and it's been 50 years (We're both nearly 70). I keep thinking I'm over her, then I see her (weddings and funerals); I visit her Dad (my uncle) in the nursing home, and once again I'm "a goner." Almost everything I've ever accomplished in my career was done in an effort to show her that I was worthy of her, even though it never worked. (When in my 40s I took the first, and maybe only, step in healing:acknowledging that I didn't have to prove anything to her, but only to myself.) Sometimes when we talk she still seems to genuinely care about/for me; but other times she's like a stranger. I send her a birthday card every year; sometimes she sends one to me but other times not. It kills me. An English poet named Thomas Carew said, "True love can never change his seat, / Nor did he ever love, that could retreat." I think he was spot on. My cousin and I have been married to other people since our college days, but my love for my cousin has never wavered. Do I think this is ideal? No; far from it. It would have been so much easier just to move on. I've tried SO hard, and repeatedly, and yet I end up in the same place, depressed and lonely in spite of a wife, children, grandchildren, and friends.
  10. This is a question, and maybe a suggestion, but not advice. It is legal for first cousins to marry in Australia and New Zealand. Would it be possible for you both to go to one of those countries temporarily (on tourist visas) and get married there? If you did, what would happen when you return to India? (Would the Indian government annul your marriage? Put you in jail?) Would your family accept your marriage if it were already done? (I don't even know if tourists can get married legally outside their home country.)
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