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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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pooch

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pooch last won the day on December 9

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  1. Why I can't fall inlove again

    Question: Why is it worse? Shouldn't it be better?! I mean, you are falling in love with a person! Why worse?! You are not telling everything here, Ms. Blu. Like, what's the reason of your guys falling out? I'm pretty sure you guys had a history. Fine. But was it your fault, his fault, or what? I mean, at least make a general story (you don't need to get into details) of what happened between the two of you 4 years ago. Like, were you guys together boyfriend-girlfriend 4 years ago? Or did he cheat on you 4 years ago that's why you guys are not together anymore? Or was it mutual and you guys are like, "Okay, this cousin relationship thing won't work for us... err.. Soooo.... we have to call it quits" 4 years ago? Anyhow, but it seems your intention is clear: that you want to forget about him..given that these feelings seems to be coming back. So allow me to respond: If he has plans with and for you, he will be back... That's all I can say for now. Pooch
  2. 1st Cousins, Relationship Advice, Family Help

    Phasechange, I'm happy that I can be of an encouragement to both of you! Yeeep! I will comment on this one in a bit more detail later... Hopefully I don't forget. It's preparation for payroll on my end here today so I will be a little bit busy at work. Thanks bro. I'm glad that she doesn't hold back either. But then hey, she is 24, you are 32. If you guys are 16 and 18 respectively, I might call it young love (not saying that it's bad per se..but it's a good start.. It's just that it's way too fast and unreliable). If you guys are 40 and 42 respective, first off I won't be able to relate coz I'm not there yet. lol. But secondly, I think that's gonna be altogether a different phase. I feel like in the 40s both of you aren't gonna change. You are both set. Had some stuff in the past and had lots of history already with this and that, you know? But then the mid-20's to early 30s can be viewed in 2 ways. Either you play games, or you play serious. It's really a risk and a toss coin. If you win, you win big. If you lose, you lose big time. lol. Point is: if both of you don't hold punches, it means both of you are serious and open to one another. Good sign... But then brace yourself. You will have a lot of stuff ahead of ya... I'm glad that you guys have a 'foundation' already though. 4 years connection, 1 year exclusive and 3 months dating... By the way, may I ask during those 3 months, did you guys went out or twice? Like how did it happen? Did you visit her here in Canada or she visited New York? Yup. I really do find a lot of similarities man.. I didn't know your girlfriend is reading. Is she registered here as well? I hope she register too... It's anonymous anyways.. Unless you share your info, nobody's gonna know you if that's a worry. If she is a private person like my girlfriend, I can understand. My girlfriend knows that I am in the forum but does not read them as she really is a private one. If I can tell her something directly, it would be this: Take the time all you need. You know your mom better than anyone else. If she tells you anything contrary to your relationship with Phasechange, you do not need to answer back. Let it be. 'Know your battles' and be a good daughter. If you are working, make sure you contribute most of it to the family and not to yourself. Of course you save something, but make sure your parents are okay. The lesser argument you have with your parents, the better off you will be with your boyfriend. He understands the situation and you just gotta be happy. There will be times that you will miss him...and it's okay. Make sure you demand a time with him even if it's 2 o'clock in the morning. But if he is not available, or you are not available, chuck it off for now since you guys aren't ready. In the meantime, make sure you are okay with your parents. Contribute to the mortgage, to the utilities and to the bills. It will come a long way, believe me. The pressure will come off when you don't answer back to her. After all, all those "objections" have answers. Some may say that "you are the cousins!" and "your relationship is wrong!" and "you guys will have autistic kids!" blah blah blah.. Believe me, all of those have answers. But you don't need to give those out right now. When the time is right, you may inject some good amount of right information here and there. But if your mom is just plainly stubborn because she puts all guys (whether Phasechange, your cousin or like other guys like your siblings had, which are not cousins) under a microscope, then let her. But at the end of the day, it will remain to be her opinion. And it will still be your decision..at the right time. And you better stand firm with it. And if you stand by him, he will stand by you.. for sure! For real... We guys can take those microscope phases like men. I mean, in my experience, I never would be a 'good guy' to my uncle (my cousin-gf's dad). But I am not a 'bad guy' either. I may be a 'good guy' (good in the sense of as a person not as a nephew...maybe) in his eyes so the dissonance must be understood by both of you. Coz If you are weak (especially on your family's side), your boyfriend will be weak. Coz he does not know anything about 'Canada' and your circle of people... He thinks he knows lol but we guys are cocky as heck. You know your territory better than him. And he respects that. He has pride too, you know. But keep your options open careerwise. I don't know your situation nor Phasechange's in full. Of course there are more details and stuff. All couples are different. However, keep your options open. If you think that Phasechange's a weakling (lol. kidding bro! ) and won't be able to slay 'dragons' around you and sweep you off your feet, go to a different city --- it might help. Or better yet, look for opportunities in New York (if it's gonna be feasible) or put a business or something... Living in Canada is better though, eh? (I admit my bias despite being negative 20 where I am living now. harharhar). lol. Pooch
  3. Sweet! Good to know and keep in touch! 😊 Pooch
  4. 1st Cousins, Relationship Advice, Family Help

    Phasechange, Thanks bro. It has been my experience too, that's why. My cousin and I did not grow together but because my family have to migrate here in Canada, we were transferred by my parents temporarily under my aunt's care. My cousin lives in the same city and the rest is history. I was 17 and she was 15 at that time. Fast forward after 15 years, we are still together... We are in the same city here and see each other everyday. Oh man.. I can tell you tons of stories. We both have ups and downs. We are just waiting for the right time and some practical circumstances... But then pretty much,.. yeah we're it. We're on this. Know what I'm sayin'? She was my only one. And she had only me. Now I am not saying that you wait for 15 years like me. Heck no. Actually, we may have waited for too long. lol. I understand that each situation and each couple is different, you know? But then looking back, if you believe in God, I believe that He was in our relationship throughout all those years. Anyhow, to briefly respond: Haha! This is so true! I have been LDR with my cousin for a long time too. And this is the time without skype or anything like that, bro... Man, we used to write hand written letters and stuff like that. Then our own private email of course which got thousands of back and forths. lol. And you get to know her. And I can say this qualification (that you can know her) because of what kind of girl she is. I feel like you got a keeper bro. Todays girls/women, at 24, they are like.. err.. I don't want to say anything offensive -- but let's just say liberated (so to speak). I'm pretty sure you already know what I mean. lol But if you said that you are her first boyfriend?! Dang... Don't mess this up bro. lol. And I am speaking in the context of between you two, ok?... In the context of between you guys and parents and family and other people other than you two, that's where it becomes a little bit more challenging. But then between just the two of you? I'm pretty sure she will love you forever...hands down. The tallest hurdle that I can see on this one, however, is the pressure on her at present. Being in a different timezone was a challenge for me and my cousin in the past. She was living in the Philippines while I am here in Canada and the timezone was the most brutal. Add to the fact that the standard of living is completely different, my reality wasn't hers and those were the rough periods in our relationships. But then with you, you are in New York and she is in Canada, if she is in Toronto or somewhere in the east, you even got the same timezone! Both of you are in North America, dude. Members here in CC lives in India, in the Philippines where I was from or somewhere more difficult and have messed up relationships and heavier baggages and whatnot. Come on man.. You said that the future is a common topic that gets brought up -- I say that's very good. Because she contributes to the relationship and she loves you. You know what, and this might be a stretch or whatnot, but take it for what it's worth: I can see you jumping ships from New York to Canada. First of all, cousin marriages are legal here in Canada. Second of all, being the guy, and being the one stronger and the braver one, you will be able to "take care of her in terms of her parents situation" when you guys are going to be closer. Now, I am not saying that you kidnap her from her parents. LOL. But I'm pretty sure that's on your mind already if not on your conversations with her.. so whatever dude, I know you will at one point or another.. You will kidnap her with permission from her parents. That's the best way to put it. hahaha. lol As for now, just do what you are doing. I think you are doing okay... If you are working in your career right now, do well and stuff but at the same time, look for opportunities as well where she is or within the city nearby. Don't worry too much on "creating more attraction" for her or whatever.. Dude, you got her already. It would be better to slay some dragons (ahem..ahem.. her mother) when the time is right and when your girlfriend is ready to fight with you. Perhaps in 2-3 years you can do it... What do you think? In the meantime though, if not too much, in order to maintain your relationship, you got to see her at least once a year...maybe two if doable. I think that would be good enough so you can provide more leverages for the two of you. You mentioned that you haven't talk to her dad for decades? You better make that one of your priorities. Ask your girlfriend how is her parents (as this is very important to her). She will gladly talk to you about them. You have to show that you are a "good son-in-law"... that you are "harmless" so to speak... and can be trusted. I know that you can only do so much at this point because it is LDR but that is what phones are for at this point. Believe me, you haven't known her like know her since you are not yet in the same city and are together. But then it's a start... Or I should say in between knowing her in a physical way and knowing her emotionally. At least, there's a restriction to the couple. That what makes it more exciting. lol. And so, LDR is a good phase too. As long as there is no pretending, and there is pure honesty, I believe it adds value to the relationship. So I support you with that. You are not dating/seeing anyone other than her, I suppose, eh? Because if you do, I'm pretty sure, if she knew about it she will be hurt big time.... X_X Yup! Exactly.. Don't worry too much on it.. You are on the right track. Hopefully. Not yet in marriage though. But pretty much we're it. We have our promise rings and stuff.. But yeah, I am just waiting for the right time and the right circumstance.. It's just that I have this feeling that "those proposal, wedding thinggie, happily ever after and whatnot" is just easy.. It's like the "graduation" part but the 5 years of studying overnight, the projects, the midterms, the group works, the walking to the school, catching the bus and working while studying and college experience...those are the real stuff. So yeah, on the one hand I am hurrying but at the same time, I am not. On her end, she understands it too. We have the same worldview, same vision and goals in life together. Our relationship has passed lots of tests too! I mean, average North American marriage I heard from the last survey was 7 years or something..? Then they end up in divorce 50% of the time..? I dunno.. something like that. But yeah, if you find a keeper, make sure you keep her and "put a fence around her" (not in a superpossessive, controlling way.. lol) but you know what I mean.. Pooch PS: Okay, my posts are becoming waaay too long. lol. But I hope I helped you in any way.
  5. Yep! I am so glad that it's legal here! LOL Pooch
  6. Off This Website

    Why don't you post it here? You are anonymous here... Pooch
  7. Understood. Can I ask you a question though? What if your cousin wants kids? As to the disapproval of your Aunt and Uncle, I just have a curious question: Is it legal for cousins to marry in your state? The thing is, that might (not saying that it will, but 'might') affect their feelings towards both of you if ever you discover something between the two of you, you know what I mean? Pooch
  8. Hi there, I'm just glad that we here in CC can be of help! I see.... To be honest, I don't think I can comment on this paragraph with empathy, A.R. Wright, because this hasn't been my experience. I never had a FWB relationship nor knew anybody within my social circle that has been one. So I am very sorry. I hope that some other members in the forum can chip in... At any rate, here's what I can say though, 4 years?! That's a long time... I mean, after 6 months, a girl would've been like "checking reality already", isn't it? As to why you did invest 4 years to this guy is beyond me... 4 years of your heart, 4 years of your weekend, 4 years of happiness, both ups and downs...You don't have to answer but for me it's puzzling. I do think that you still have feelings for your current one during year 4 but eventually faded away during the last three years. And now you want to call it quits. But then you said, "I don't want to hurt him anymore so I am trying to break up with him" which shows the deep complexity of this web of feelings. Soooo yeah.. I will let you sort that out. Again, you don't have to answer but I just want to say that because if I am the guy (your cousin), I will run away as far as possible from you. Because you bring drama and complications to my life. You know what I mean? Being in a relationship is hard already, let alone cousin relationships! Yikes. Sigh... But on a positive note, I do believe that you have learned your lesson already on this chaos. I really hope so. I wish you all the best in your conversation with your cousin in 2 weeks. You gotta be straight up with him though. However, don't pretend. Be honest with him. Do it alone with him, tell him what you feel straight up from your heart. However, here's the catch: I suggest that you compose yourself first. You cannot just "jump right in" coz sooner or later it might go bad on your end as you will go deep into the pool so fast you don't even know. So make sure you compose yourself when you talk to him. If you can spend at least 1 hour or 2 hours alone with him with serious talk, that's the best. That's all that I can say... Got it. If he is seeing somebody and you are with your cousin here on the other side, then I guess it's even. *shrugs* Does your current FWB know your cousin personally? Or vice versa? I mean, have they seen each other? Or talked/introduced to each other? I hope not...? Perfect...! I think you will be fine! Keep ya head up. Pooch
  9. 1st Cousins, Relationship Advice, Family Help

    I understand this though. On her side, she needs some time to gather herself and deal with this matter. She mentioned to you that you should wait on her so she can build courage to face this to your mom. She knows her mom better than you so you know... It really must be stressful on her end. You mentioned that you guys didn't really grow up together so pretty much, you have no idea what her relationship with her mom is like. And since her mom is important to her, then of course we gotta respect that. The thing is though is this: You mentioned that you feel like she needs to mature mentally... However, she really is cute, eh? I mean, 24 years old!? Very pretty. And you are 32? Probably on top of your game. Has something going on already in life. I feel yah bro coz we are the same age. And I remembered my cousin when she was 24. She was hot. Really hot. Right now, she still is because she takes care of herself and I know her. But sometimes, our eyes deceive us... But then I know you already know this.. I'm just sayin'. For us guys sometimes, cuteness trumps everything. lol. Hard to resist cuteness bro. Anyhow, the rest of my participation on this thread will probably be focused on this paragraph -- as this is the one where I can relate the most. Our parents are important to us and we want their acceptance as well. Who doesn't?! You know.. Normal relationships (so-to-speak) want that.. They will become your in-laws after all...if you guys are thinking of marriage.. coz at least I am. As a girl, she needs to be a good daughter to her mom if she wants this to happen. It does not come overnight. The flowers were a little bit too much I guess and it went out of proportion on her end. You see, you cannot do anything with that --- coz it's her mom.. It's her mom. It is her mom. I know it's not a western way of thinking but speaking as somebody who was raised in the east, "you love the girl, you must love the parents pretty much"... I know you are not yet there as well. But then she cannot step on the gas pedal and go fifth gear and elope or something, you know? I do believe she respects her parents (her mom) that's why this matter is important to her. Lemme ask you, "Has she dated anybody else before you?" Are you her first guy? Like, you mentioned that her mom is a strict lady with her daughters and stuff like that. So I surmise that you are her first or something along those lines.. It's not like she dated dozens before you, partied hard or something.. right? But then you are 32.. And probably you are in a somewhat in a hurry too. I suggest to you don't be. Don't break the texts and the LDR for now... See what happens. Be patient. But at the same time, keep your heart on a distance. Don't win her bro.. Coz you have already. It's just the matter of the parents. By the way, how about her dad? Have you talked to him? If so, how and what's the result? Pooch
  10. 1st Cousins, Relationship Advice, Family Help

    Yep. That's true. Pooch
  11. 1st Cousins, Relationship Advice, Family Help

    Oh no.. Whatsapp won't cut it though I think. Have you talked to her personally? Coz I think you should...just to set records straight. Know what I mean? Pooch
  12. 1st Cousins, Relationship Advice, Family Help

    Hi phasechange, Have you talked to your aunt (her mom) though? If you did, what happened? Pooch
  13. Hi Serendipity, Yep. Same here. I would say go for it... as long as it is clean. Anyhow, with regards to the Filipino culture (I admit my bias), family is quite important to us...and this involves both the likable ones and the unlikable ones...if you know what I mean. It's just the way it is, I guess... The flack that family might give a couple can be a heavy burden for one of the spouse...a weight that is so heavy in a tight-knitted community. Filipinos have close-family ties and really are like honeybees. lol. But I understand what you are coming from.. That there's gotta be a point wherein sometimes you gotta take care of your own happiness. You know?! It is normal. It is natural to be happy -- still doing "disapproving things that will make you happy" even if it's in conflict with the happiness of other relevant relatives. And to a Filipino, it is definitely a struggle.. And in the context of cousin relationships, because even though we want to disappear from them, elope, or I dunno... live in the North Pole (or something?), it is a given that we gotta at least consider the feelings of the family around us. Like we gotta do some due diligence on this and that.. Not really to ask permission or what but it is almost like that. It is what it is though. But you know what though? It is both a blessing and a curse. lol. And so when you said, I envy you! I really do. And I wish I can do that. And I want to do that actually.... I just need the right timing. It's not a band-aid that you just peel off. I mean, I can do it -- but I will regret things at the same time if we (me and my cousin) do it incorrectly. So conservatively, I kinda choose the safer route. The thing is though, this ("That's their loss") is my stance too! Especially if push comes to shove, you know? But I don't want to come to a point that even they would have that loss.... know what I mean? I want them not to lose anything. Families are not bad people -- even though some of them or a lot of them are unlikable. lol Soooo yeah.. There goes my bias. Thanks for the 2 cents though! Appreciate it. Best, Pooch
  14. Continuation: First of all, what are the stuff that you talk to him about? If you talk to him about the weather, is still 'quiet'? Or do you ask him about like big stuff, say "What do you think about cousin relationships?" If this is the case, I surmise that he "gets quiet" when he comes to the "big stuff". If he is also quiet in 'small stuff' then let me know.. But then I am under this assumption right now. At any rate, I do think that he is quiet with the big stuff when you talk to him because he is still gathering himself. He is composing himself as to what to tell you. Give him some time. Don't be impatient with his answer. Having said that, spending time with him is utmost importance if you really want to know what's on his heart. That would be in the long run though. In the meantime, you need to be used to him in exchanging emails. Emails are better for you (not text, nor phonecalls) because at least in emails, you can gather your thoughts...you can compose yourself. Know what I'm saying? When you feel like he's forgotten about you, the reason is because you two are not yet together! You still have your current bf. I mean, if I am your cousin, I WILL stay away from you! Because you still have baggages and stuff... not to mention my busy schedule at work! And so, it's not that he has forgotten you. You gotta check your biases as well.. It may be the case that you merely interpreted that he feels distant -- but really he isn't. Just a consideration. However, in the light of your current relationship, it is no wonder that he will tread on some mines here and there..you know? There's a lot to figure out here, Ms. A.R., Wright.. Pooch
  15. HI there, I understand. With regards as to why he is like that at present (you think that it's because as to how family reacted in the past), only he can tell us that...not me, not you. So I would withhold my comment on that. However, I am glad that he is affectionate when you two are alone. I guess that brings me comfort. Coz if he is the same way when you guys are alone, I'm like "What the heck!?" you know what I mean? hehe. Anyhow, I see... So you are still figuring things out at present. Well, first of all, I really do hope it works out for you! Seriously.. I really mean that. I hope they call you more often and would get a full time position. Keep your eyes open. 45 minutes for me is a long drive (as I live in a small city) but hey, if it works out for you, then I wish you all the best. Anyways, so you have a current relationship which is 7 years. And you felt that there is a falling out. Actually, I just want to know if you are married or not. Coz for me, if you are married already to your current relationship then pretty much it's a wrap for me... Know what I mean? Like, marriage for me is a big deal so I wouldn't even bother. But then common-law, insofar as a charitable comment is concerned, would fall on the same category -- methinks. Like, if you are commonlaw with this guy for 7 years, I mean, there's gotta be a REALLY REALLY heavy reason for a falling out, girl!? Know what I mean? But then, ok, hands up, it's up to you.. I'm just saying that 7 years is a long time. I would build that relationship and salvage it and invest on it and this and that more than my cousin (this is just IF I were you, okay? So take my comment with a grain of salt... lol) The grass always looks greener from the other side until you are there,.... However, if as you said, the current relationship is based on a lie, then you know your situation the best...better than anybody else here.. If that's the case though, you gotta break it up with him first,... Like clean break up, before embarking on another one with your cousin. What I mean is like don't treat your cousin as your "captain savior". That's gonna be unfair to your cousin. In other words, If you still have feelings for your current, mend it. If not, break it -- BEFORE going for another one with your cousin. If your cousin learned that you want to be with him coz your current one fails, that will not be a good situation for both of you. Maaan... I don't know what to comment to be honest. I understand but at the same time I don't. lol. You see, you don't want to hurt him but you are going to be hurting him badly...because you are cheating on him. Crazy eh?! Yeah you are cheating on him. Not good. Why are you doing this!? Why go for your cousin?! Why not salvage your current relationship!? That part, I will never ever understand. I have never been in that situation -- and I don't plan to be. So I really don't know what to say, my friend.. A pair of friendly slaps in the face might help to awaken you in your senses might help, perhaps!? lol But at the same time, I kinda understand what you feel. You want to be through with your current one and cast him in the deepest part of the pacific ocean, be forgotten, never to be seen again, right? Then be with your cousin forever and ever...only if he step up, not be ashamed, do his thing, clarify things this December what really is the case, and this and that. Right? My advice for you Ms. A. R. Wright is to be simple in your emotions... Like, don't B.S. things around. Otherwise, it's going to be too much.. too much on your mind, too much on your heart, and too much on your eyes. You will cry again and again if you continue like this! Don't you think!? Seriously! This is horrible. For example, when he said, Why not ask him, "What the heck do you mean by you are living in B and would love to come to T sometime?" Are B and T places? By the way, don't worry about privacy issues here in this forum my friend.. I don't know you and you don't know me.. Your anonymity is preserved here so don't worry about those somebody tracking you down. lol. Anyhow, so he said that he would love to come to T sometime. I assume that it's a place where you are right now. Then interpret it at face value -- he would love to come to your place sometime. Let him come then! You wait. And in the meantime, fix your current relationship -- that is if you still have the heart to do so... ? I mean, if you already went out for a date with him,... err... You are having a date...while being in a relationship for 7 years... see the disconnect I have here? I feel for your cousin.. hehe.. really. I will post more about this paragraph later as I need to get back to work.. Pooch
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