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bearbait

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  1. Thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful words! It's very much appreciated! It's been over 3mos now and it is still very painful, but it gets a little easier every day. At least the crying jags aren't all day every day anymore and I can go longer periods of time without breaking down over it. I've finally stopped thinking I need to tell him this or that every time something comes up. The reality (finality) of it all is finally sinking in. I just feel so lost without him and miss him so much. SO MUCH!!! I try to stay busy but he is on my mind, all the time, even in death. And of course, I can't really tell anyone how deeply this affects me, or why. They just wouldn't understand. I'm glad I can come here and talk about it. It helps! His girlfriend of 25+ yrs (basically wife) gave me some of his things, which are very special to me. It helps having a part of him with me. Life goes on, but still I wish he were here...
  2. Thank you both so much. I get signs from him all the time that he's around. Or at least I would like to think that's what they are. I find it comforting to think he is watching over me. He was a great person. I just still can't believe he's gone. I'm in a dangerous line of work and he was always telling me to be careful because he didn't want to have to kill anyone if anything ever happened to me. I always gave him crap for not taking his own advice and driving fast etc. It was weird, the night he died, I had this bizarre feeling that something wasn't right. Our souls were connected then and they will always be connected. I miss him so much. I know he would want me to go on about life and be happy so that's what I'm trying to do. I just wish he were still here to share it.
  3. This is an update to my original post. Well, as it turns out my cousin and I did get to meet each other last summer as I passed through his town twice (once, on my way through to another state, and then the return trip back home). As expected, we hit it off. It was as if we had been together all of our lives. It was the happiest either of us could remember being in a very long time. We only had a couple days together on either end of my trip (and not completely alone) but they were wonderful. We had a blast! I went back home and we went on about our lives, keeping in touch and wishing we didn't live so far apart. A week ago he told me he was planning a trip to come visit me soon, after he had enough money. Sadly, that would be our last conversation ever, as he died that same evening in a terrible accident. I thank God that we happened to be online at the same time earlier that day and we didn't miss each other as we sometimes had, and were able to tell each other we loved each other. I am completely devastated and will never be the same. I will be feeling the pain of this my whole life and will love him til the day I die. I feel like part of me died with him that day. I'm just thankful for the time that we did have and will cherish it.
  4. No worries, people get busy. I was mostly joking. In reality we both know we can't "go there" and open up that can of worms. It's too bad that we didn't connect when we were much younger and unattached, when we could have done something about it, but that's life! Neither of us wants a poohstorm for sure. I would rather have him in my life platonically than not at all. Once again, thanks for your advice!
  5. Hawk, that "don't do anything I wouldn't do" sounds mischievous. haha! I can see us having those same conversations in the future. I'm personally glad you're on this site because your advice is really helpful. I can't talk to family or friends about this because they wouldn't understand, and they would think we've gone off our rockers. At this juncture in our relationship, I don't think it would be prudent for my cousin and I to have any candid moments alone even at family functions. Truly. ;D We will definitely have to put 'custody of the eyes' into practice. I'm pretty sure if we don't, we won't be able to keep our eyes off each other, and no one else in the room will exist. luvher4ever, my cousin's spouse has issues with him talking to me (mine doesn't care that we talk but can be kind of snobbish unless it's his friends/family) so I'm not sure how it will go when we all get together. As for getting old and nothing magical will ever happen again, I'm not so sure about that. We are late 40s and he just said the other day that we still have a lot of life left in us. Should I be worried? :wink:
  6. I think I read yours the other day when I was browsing. I've been actively working on my marriage for a while and we want it to work (I really do love my husband, it's a different kind than with my cousin). We are just having one of those typical relationship bumps and it will get better in time. Like Hawk, at this point in our lives, my cousin and I aren't interested in tossing aside what we have with our spouses just so we can be together (been cheated on and through divorce, don't want or need more drama), so we plan on having a different kind of relationship. We know we can never be together. That's just how it is. I'm good with that, and so is he. We've never even discussed being together other than getting together for a visit. We just know we can't risk being alone together right now because of the spark factor. I know if we let things happen, it will be that much harder on us (plus there is the guilt factor), so it's just best not to go there. We really would like to catch up in person though (can only talk so much through text and occasional calls/email), and we want to meet each other's spouses/families. I do appreciate the warnings and the sharing of your experience! It helps!
  7. I forgot to add that we haven't exchanged inappropriate pictures, messages or anything like that. We have managed to keep things "PG", out of respect for each other as well as our spouses (I'm not that kind of girl, and he's just never asked either). It is the in-person factor that is an issue, and it doesn't even need to be stated to one another. We both just know that would be trouble.
  8. Thanks for responding, both of you! Excellent advice! Yeah, we already realize that if we don't have "supervised" visits at this point, that there will be fireworks and great temptation. Hence the plan for spouses to be present at visits. It doesn't help things that we're both in less than satisfactory relationships at present (working on that though) and the pull to each other is so great. However, we live far enough away from each other (10hrs) and neither one of us has a lot of money to visit very frequently, so that at least will help keep us out of trouble. Hopefully we will get to a point where the attraction factor will die down and we can get to the business of just being best buds without that looming over our heads. I can see that it's going to be difficult though. We do have a very special, close bond. He's very protective of me (and in fact, absolutely can't stand my nickname bearbait, sees nothing funny about it even though i find it hilarious, because of what I do for a living.) It's nice.
  9. Two years ago, my 2nd cousin and I reconnected after 35yrs (we're both late 40s), and we have been best friends ever since. We haven't seen each other since we were 11 (when my family moved)! His mom and my dad were same-age cousin friends and since they both had kids, our families spent a lot of time together before we moved away. We now live in neighboring states but have yet to see each other in person. We text fairly often, very occasionally call or email, and send each other occasional pictures. About a year ago he started joking about "if only we weren't cousins". I told him that actually, being cousins isn't a problem, except in the eyes of society. So, then he started dropping hints like there was more that he wanted to say, but wouldn't come right out and say it because he thought I wouldn't speak to him anymore if he told me. I finally convinced him that he could be completely honest with me and that I wasn't going anywhere, no matter what he said. Well, he told me he loved me, but didn't just love me, he was in love with me and had been for some time (he later told me that he thinks he's always loved me even when we were kids). Wow, talk about being blown away (and yes, I love him too.) We're crazy about each other (we just "click") and are close, but we both know we can never have a relationship together (or act on our feelings) because we're both married. We are working on trying to see each other within a few months (with spouses) and can't wait! It will be wonderful but at the same time hard (maybe awkward), given how we feel about each other and knowing we can only ever be best friends. If circumstances were different there is no question we would be together, forever. I know I can't possibly be the only one in this type of situation, and that's why I'm sharing my story here.
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