Hello to everyone reading this. I appreciate anyone taking their time to read my story for I needed to express myself in order to move on. My story might be long but please bear with me. First of all, all I wanted to say is that when I came across this site a few months ago, tears rolled down my eyes for I knew I wasn't alone and to have people understand the pain I'm going through. Well that was my intro to everyone on cousincouples, now on to what really needs to be said. :smiley: My name is Lena (prefer nickname instead) I'm 18yrs old and the cousin that I deeply love is J (nickname) and he's 21yrs old. It's hard to write my story for I have so much to say, but I'll try my best. Oh he's the son of my dads older brother. I have to write about my other cousin Joseph (recently turned 17) for he fits into my story. Here is a little background on me. I'm a gamer girl as for my cousins are too. This was something that always brings us together. I never had a boyfriend in my life for I never wanted a boy to be the reason why I hated certain school years. Never thought school was about being w/ boys so I didn't care to have a bf. I would have occasional crushes, but only really cared about school. To sum it up, I'm a 17yr old gamer girl who doesn't smoke, drink, or party so I am not a typical teenager of society. What I know best is being alone and lonely, but I guess that's my own fault.
In the summer of 2010 my cousin Joseph and I got to talking all night and we ended up kissing each other. Joseph and I had a 2yr affair, but never had sex (thank god). So basically we never had anything for each other; no emotional connection, only physical. I felt ashamed every time, but he was the only one during that time. My moms' and dads' family all live in the same city so I had all my family close (so thankful for that). My mom and dad separated years ago so I've been going from house to house. Now at my dads' 4 bedroom house my cousin Joseph lives there so that's how a year of our affair has been under wraps. Fast forward to the early months of 2012 around Feb. to March. My cousin J. starts to come over more which I haven't seen in such a long time. :Side Note: ever since my childhood years I ALWAYS found him so attractive and ever more so now: I thought really nothing of it, but just him enjoying spending time w/ the family. Everything changed once I had this dream of him. Lets just say in my dream he took me to this room. I think you could figure out the rest. Ever since then, I couldn't look at him the same. I started getting attracted to him more. That dream triggered something in me, I know it did. I always told myself, "god I would rather be w/ him than Joseph." J. was everything I ever wanted in a man. He cleans, cooks, so considerate, takes care of business, a gamer (good at them too!), great w/ kids, and I mean extremely handsome! :azn: In my mind I also told myself, "damn, the best is in my family!" Oh how I would do anything to be w/ him. Forward to June 2012. Joseph and I were having one of our intimate affairs. All of a sudden J. came in the room and caught us. I felt so ashamed and humiliated that that was the last time anything happened between Joseph and I. I couldn't do this w/ him anymore. By that time J., Jo, and another smaller cousin lived w/ my dad. I could not bare looking Johnny in the face for the next few days and didn't talk to Jo either.
Things settled down and then the summer of 2012 was a great summer because I got closer to him while other cousins stayed and chilled and played games. During that summer him and I got really close, but stopped. I think he got scared. Now from the end of the summer to Dec. we did nothing, but only get closer through talking. January 2013 is where it all happened. He didn't kiss me, but we got intimate. (NO sex!) That was the first time we both knew we wanted each other. From Jan. to April of this year were the best 4 months of my life compared to 2yrs w/ Joseph. Johnny and I were basically like bf and gf. We would talk about everything to about ourselves to our hardships in our lives. Just to put it out there, we never had sex. The both of us were so intimate w/ each other emotionally and physically. Never in my life had I experienced love like we did and it was pure heaven. Even more so with the man of my dreams! (Literally lol) :laugh: He told me one morning while I was in his arms that it was his first time being w/ someone the way he was w/ me and loving someone like me. I was shocked to hear this because I would of thought how handsome he was that I wouldn't be his 1st time loving someone. I was more than happy to be his 1st though. During this time no one thought anything even though we slept in the same bed together. Maybe because people knew he didn't have a real place to sleep. I forgot to say he was my 1st love also. Wouldn't give the chance to change that either.
From so on I had a reason to go to my dads as much as possible now. You could imagine my love for him because I had so much love to give, but no one to give it to until he came into my life. Well back to me and Johnny. During the time which I call heaven we would watch movies together, play games together, cook together, and wake up w/ him next to me every morning.(sigh) Things would be hard between me and him sometimes because Joseph lived in the same house and Johnny seen him as the ex that's still around. But nevertheless, I loved him more than anything I ever loved before and even more than myself. (still do :cry: ) There are things we did and things we said to each other that I will never forget. I remember that every morning before he would leave to work, he and I would constantly kiss each other not wanting the other to leave.(flashback ) In the end of April he started to leave to his sisters house more often. With him being there with me all the time, it kind of took a toll on me. I remember a text convo we had which brings tears to my eyes. He was playing Madden w/ his brother-in-law and told me he won because I was his lucky charm. I asked him why he needed me so he can win at football. [text convo from there] J:so I can win at everything L:what would you consider everything? J:you L:baby you won my <3 a long time ago before you even realized it J:the things you say make me feel wonderful L:It's because you are so special to me in everyway. Sometimes you make me feel speechless and overall so lucky to love someone like you <3 J:your crazy w/ the love you give (good way)
In May he was drifting apart from me. We would talk, but it wasn't the same. Then for 3 weeks he had to leave for his job. I was in total fear of him not loving me anymore. June was not heaven, but hell for me since I didn't talk to him for almost 2 months. Had to stay longer than 3 weeks. I got to see him at the end of June and he changed. He changed like nothing happened. The heartbreak was unbearable for me. I'm sorry pillow for all the tears. :cry: It hurt even more knowing that he was ignoring me leaving me to wonder why there was no explanation. I got another chance and he told me he thought long and hard about us. His decision was that he wanted to stop because it felt wrong. I cried telling him that real feeling don't change fast. I told him about this site. I pleaded more than anything to look through the site and read the stories for where not the only ones. His eyes kind of got a little bigger when I told about the stories and some facts. There's no internet where he is at so he can't really look them up at anytime. Unfortunately. He later told me that everything was in the heat of the moment. I was completely shattered that everything he told me, everything we did, and everything I told him left his mind easily. I cried everyday in the house that everything happened in because the flashbacks were strong. Especially laying in the bed where he would wake up next to me each morning. :cry: He has hurt me more than anyone has in my life and being alone w/ my pain nobody knew about made it more miserable. How can I not expect to be hurt especially him being my 1st love. Feels like heaven, but can hurt like hell. Honestly, he changed me in more ways possible. I believe for the better though. Even though he hurt me, if I could give him one thing in life, I would give him the ability to see himself through my eyes. Only then would he realize how special he is to me.
I've contemplated about everything like I never did before and come to accept the fact that he is young and that he like a lot of men need to sow his wild oats. I believe only then would he really know what he wants or needs. No matter how much I want to be w/ him now, I know that I can't because him and I need to experience life before we settle down. I don't know if it's because he's my first love or what, but he will always have my heart. It will be hard to move on because things like places, games, songs, and movies remind me of everything that use to be. Knowing that it might take years until where together again is something I can't fathom, but I'm a person of patience, luckily. The thing is even till this day and so forth, every time I hear his name or even see him, my heart always skips a beat. My story has no happy ending, but years down the road I hope our cousin love can rekindle again because I believe he is worth it. I hope more than anything that he will be my last and I am his. I love you Johnny. I always have and I always will. <3
+Any feedback is much appreciated for you guys are the only ones who truly understand this lonely journey I'm taking.