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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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gryan

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About gryan

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  1. Tragedy

    Hello... I posted a topic here before about my cousin and how I was planning to go to another country (her country) to visit and wanted to let her know how I felt. Well, those details aren't really that important now but basicallly, a tragedy has occurred. Her mother (my aunt) was a golden person to me my entire life. I never had one bad memory of her or heard one bad story from her. We've only had good memories...well, when she found out my feelings for her daughter, everything absolutely changed. My aunt found out about 5 months ago but there were many misunderstandings about my intentions. She absolutely did not allow me to explain anything and seemed to fill my cousin's head with whatever her perspective of the situation was. They became very distant and eventually cut all communication with me, refusing to even visit my grandparents (that I live with) just because I happen to be there. I got very frustrated at the entire situation and tried to do whatever I could to convey the truth about some things. I texted both of them multiple times, asking to sit down and talk like people because misunderstandings can only be resolved through discussion. My aunt's response was that there isn't any misunderstanding, that she just doesn't want to talk to me. The more I sent, the worse it seemed to get. If I send anything to my cousin, even if it's a happy holidays wishing her well, or an attempt to apologize, her mom immediately would call the house and yell at my grandparents. She refuses to talk to me now. If she sees me on the street or has to come to the house for some emergency reason, she pretends that I don't even exist, even if I talk directly to her. My cousin is in another city studying for school but I'm hearing that she is afraid to even come back to her city (for her birthday and other events) because of my presence. This must be her mom's doing, poisoning her head with lies. I found out that my aunt is absolutely not the person I thought she was and I'm in complete shock. She lies so much, not just to me but also to anyone that attempts to help me by talking to them. I have multiple relatives that support me on this...perhaps not love for my cousin but they support that I had only good intentions, that misunderstandings need to be talked about and not hidden under the carpet, and that she has gone way too far with this. She basically yells at all of them and tells them not to tell her what to think and do and that's that. I think my aunt is afraid that this could destroy her reputation. She has a relatively large reputation in the town. She has already cut multiple other relatives out of her life that happened to support me. She recently talked to my mom, who she has been close with her entire life (pretty much like sisters) and the argument did not go well. My aunt asked to speak to my cousin and my aunt just refused it and started yelling and my mom got very upset and basicallly said she doesn't want to see her again. Before that, my aunt told my mom that if i leave Bulgaria, that maybe she will talk to me. I believe this is a lie, that she is only really interested in me leaving and that anything afterwards that happens where the relationship is "fixed", will just be fake. To be honest, my aunt has shown herself to be exactly the opposite of who I thought she is and I don't want anything to do with someone like this...At various points throughout this tragedy, I was ready to forgive my aunt but the way things are now, there is just no way I can forgive this, even if somehow my aunt decides to apologize to me. With my cousin though, I don't know what to do...I feel that even though my cousin disagrees with my feelings on her own, that her mom fed her a ton of nonsense and has twisted her way of thinking towards me, to the point where she is afraid of me. This has absolutely tore me apart as a person. To come with only good intentions and to be viewed as if I'm some criminal, rapist or murderer, particularly by people I loved, is devastating. I cried every day for the last few months. I have even attempted suicide. This is the only thing I think about now, it has completely consumed me. I'm not the person i used to be anymore, I'm completely broken. I don't know how I can ever recover from this to be honest. My mom tells me to come home so she can help me through this but her idea of help isn't what I have in mind...she feels that my feelings for my cousin, is something I need help with and I disagree. I need help dealing with this tragedy and what her aunt has done to me...I've become so consumed by hate now towards her, I don't know what to do. I haven't found anything that makes me happy anymore...and anything new that occurs regarding this tragedy is just more negative. Nothing positive seems to happen.
  2. Friends

    I told 5 of my friends. All were fine with it...one of them didn't agree but was still supportive. My mom knows as well (she found out, I didn't actually want to help her) and she flipped out. She is very close minded about cousin couples (and many many other things) so I didn't expect her to understand. All she does is alienate me now...
  3. Losing a cousin

    This is a pretty sad story...but honestly I think it is very important to attempt to have a discussion in person. I'm not sure how you asked her but you should emphasize that there seems to be many misunderstandings and that this problem can't be resolved unless they are talked about. Running away without wanting to hear the other side of the story is bad.
  4. well a little update...I'm going back to this country for 3 months and plan to see her. I will only really get to see her on the christmas/new years holidays. I spoke to her a few times since the last post I made here and had some very pleasant conversations. She says she can't wait to see me and neither can I. I don't think I will confess during the holidays, unlike things really get to the next level. Right now I really just plan to spend time with her, have fun and see if I can help her out in any way possible. I really want us to become closer as friends. Can't wait...my mom is still furious though. Luckily though, my mom's friends support my decision and have offered to help out my mom with this problem...to calm her down and make her understand.
  5. Female 2nd cousin

    Honestly the way her mother responded to it, is a positive thing for you. Many would be furious, hers just seems to suggest she doesn't think it is a good idea. I really wish I recieved this kind of reaction about it (compared to what I actually did receive).
  6. Finally. :)

    This is an amazing story...I envy you. You are a very lucky person. GO FOR IT, DON'T THINK TWICE ABOUT IT
  7. Well the issue is more that what I currently have with her, might be destroyed...I don't want to lose that. I also don't want to lose what I have with her mom, because I'm pretty close to her as well and I do like her a lot. Oh I already know she doesn't seem to be looking for a relationship now...it actually seems like she isn't looking for a relationship with anyone. I'm ok with that because I know how ambitious she is right now. Honestly I really really want to help her achieve her goals and I hope to do that when I eventually travel back there. Right now I just want to be someone she knows she can depend on, so I can get her through her hardships. About her not telling me when she is available...she actually did give me a time (this is back when she was working her hectic job) but then when I called during those times, she was still pretty busy. She said it wasn't as free of a time as she thought it might be and that she just couldn't give a certain time anymore. I hope you are right...there is about a month left before my trip. Going to try to let those days pass without any additional drama and hopefully I can put out some fires. Not sure how it's going to happen though, my mom is a very bigoted, irrational person that can snap at any moment.
  8. An update...pretty much everything has turned to hell. My mom found out about my love for her (because of a mistake on my part) and she is IRATE. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, yelling about how wrong and immoral it is, how sick it is, how I need to get rid of these feelings asap and to see some kind of psychiatric counsellor. When I pointed her to various statistics on this site, and tried to use some generic logic to argue my case, she pretty much ignored it and said something like "yeah just because there are many sick people out there that would do this, doesn't mean it's right". The worst part of it all is that she is threatening to tell everyone...she is trying to make me look like a monster for UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING my cousin and wanting to do everything for her out of the goodness of my heart. if she does expose this to them and ruin my entire relationship with the family, then I really feel like I'm going to end my life...I just don't see how I can go on if that happens. I think she is going to use this as a way to blackmail me to do whatever she wants (this is the kind of person she is). I'm so afraid right now...utterly terrified. I don't know what to do...my heart has been pounding fast non-stop for two days and doesn't seem to be slowing down.
  9. Thanks...I'm wondering if there are any other similar kinds of statistics from other studies out there. I haven't really been able to find much on it. Anyway, my mom's view is so incredibly simple minded...I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm really afraid...I feel she is going to reveal it to the other family, and say things that are false (she doesn't truly understand my love for my cousin) and overall just ruin the entire family relationship I have with them. I've attempted to talk about it, bringing up some statistics and just general logic. She is not listening at all and is just responding with more and more screaming. I think I need to get away from this person as soon as possible.
  10. Hello... Well, my mom found out about my cousin romance and right now, tempers are flaring (mainly from her end). It's chaos here...her viewpoint of the subject is extremely simple minded. She is screaming that it is immoral, wrong, etc. She is labelling my LOVE as a very terrible thing to have, and I'm pretty puzzled by this. I intend to try to educate her on the facts...the thing is, I need some sources on some of the facts mentioned here: http://www.cousincouples.com/?page=facts I tried to look up some of these statistics on google and couldn't really come up with much...I'm particularly intrigued by: "It is estimated that 20 percent of all couples worldwide are first cousins. It is also estimated that 80 percent of all marriages historically have been between first cousins!" Is there a source for this statistic? I'm actually pretty surprised by how high these percentages are. Also, any idea which countries or continents, make up the majority of these percentages? I'm going to assume Asia, but what about Europe? I'm guessing the least is probably like the US or something, as they seem to have the most restrictions and it says only 1 in 1000 marriages are cousin marriages. Regardless, I'd like some more sources on this, if possible. Thanks
  11. Me and my first cousin

    Eh, are you guys reading the parts where she makes it pretty clear that her cousin is showing some signs of possibly being attracted to her, despite being married? I would suggest approaching him in person and maybe asking what's up with some of his behavior...if you are afraid that perhaps you might be misunderstanding his behavior, then you should just not say you have romantic feelings for him unless he admits that the reason he was acting the way he was acting was because he has romantic feelings for you. Right now it just seems like he is showing all these signs, but you haven't really attempted to find out what they meant.
  12. Told My Cousin About My Love For Her Today

    Different people react to things differently...it also depends a lot on your relationship with them in the first place. Like in your example, you guys were not nearly as close as the topic creator's relationship seems to be. I think her reaction was a positive one, just keep spending time with her (preferably in person) and just have fun...probably don't bring up the love thing for some time but eventually remind her and ask her how she feels.
  13. Well, she basically said something like "don't be ridiculous" when I was talking about my regrets and correcting my mistakes...but then regarding the part about loving her and being there for her and wanting to help her out in her ambitions, she seemed very thankful...I'm not sure what's really running through her mind but I didn't feel much awkwardness. I suppose there was a little bit of silence... She does have some other cousins...one of them was a big trouble kid and she has severed all ties with him. She has another cousin but I think she doesn't see him often. I'm pretty much the only one that doesn't live in her country and the one she sees the least. I do remember though...pretty much every single year, from when she was a kid, to even now, she would call us overseas and she would ask "when are you guys going to come visit???" It was painful to usually have to reply "maybe next year", I feel so utterly sick just thinking about it, that I can't turn time around. Now the thing is, when it was very difficult to get through to her in the past couple of months, I actually thought the reason was because she might be avoiding me...possibly because she might have suspected what was going on and didn't want to be a part of it. I was really afraid of this, but I found out (through her and other people) that she really is THAT busy. I doubted her a few times regarding this and every time I did, I was wrong...I really shouldn't doubt her anymore but...being the nature of the person I am, I tend to overanalyze things and worry. Yeah I actually have asked about her schedule...she told me she just can't give me a good answer on that because she is always busy with something. She did say she will be on skype more often. I think I might stop giving out any more hints for the time being...until I see her in person (which is going to be soon). For now I will continue to stay in touch, while not taking it too far to the point where it looks obsessive (though to be honest...I was afraid I might have crossed that line). I've been thinking a lot about what I would give her for Christmas...because I will definitely be able to meet her then. It's tough...I want it to be something memorable, that has value and can be used/worn often, something that she doesn't just stick into the closet to rot (for instance), but at the same time, I don't want to overdo it and I also don't want to make it look like I'm trying to "buy her out".
  14. help again guys..

    I don't see what's wrong with what Oitza is trying to do with his cousin. He knows additional things about her specific boyfriend, that she doesn't know about. It's great that he was warning her about who he really is and what he was after, I don't think this is really "controlling her life". If you know something will probably end in disaster, especially if you have additional knowledge on the matter, I don't see why you would let that disaster occur.
  15. Sorry but I really can't respect anyone who has the mentality of their reputation by the community mattering more than her life (or the life of her kids, etc). You love your cousin for what seems to be legitimate reasons. If my mother as the way you described, I would not listen to anything she has to say and would have let her go a long time ago.
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