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Posts posted by gryan

  1. Hello...

    I posted a topic here before about my cousin and how I was planning to go to another country (her country) to visit and wanted to let her know how I felt. Well, those details aren't really that important now but basicallly, a tragedy has occurred.

    Her mother (my aunt) was a golden person to me my entire life. I never had one bad memory of her or heard one bad story from her. We've only had good memories...well, when she found out my feelings for her daughter, everything absolutely changed.

    My aunt found out about 5 months ago but there were many misunderstandings about my intentions. She absolutely did not allow me to explain anything and seemed to fill my cousin's head with whatever her perspective of the situation was. They became very distant and eventually cut all communication with me, refusing to even visit my grandparents (that I live with) just because I happen to be there. I got very frustrated at the entire situation and tried to do whatever I could to convey the truth about some things. I texted both of them multiple times, asking to sit down and talk like people because misunderstandings can only be resolved through discussion. My aunt's response was that there isn't any misunderstanding, that she just doesn't want to talk to me. The more I sent, the worse it seemed to get. If I send anything to my cousin, even if it's a happy holidays wishing her well, or an attempt to apologize, her mom immediately would call the house and yell at my grandparents.

    She refuses to talk to me now. If she sees me on the street or has to come to the house for some emergency reason, she pretends that I don't even exist, even if I talk directly to her. My cousin is in another city studying for school but I'm hearing that she is afraid to even come back to her city (for her birthday and other events) because of my presence. This must be her mom's doing, poisoning her head with lies.

    I found out that my aunt is absolutely not the person I thought she was and I'm in complete shock. She lies so much, not just to me but also to anyone that attempts to help me by talking to them. I have multiple relatives that support me on this...perhaps not love for my cousin but they support that I had only good intentions, that misunderstandings need to be talked about and not hidden under the carpet, and that she has gone way too far with this. She basically yells at all of them and tells them not to tell her what to think and do and that's that.

    I think my aunt is afraid that this could destroy her reputation. She has a relatively large reputation in the town. She has already cut multiple other relatives out of her life that happened to support me. She recently talked to my mom, who she has been close with her entire life (pretty much like sisters) and the argument did not go well. My aunt asked to speak to my cousin and my aunt just refused it and started yelling and my mom got very upset and basicallly said she doesn't want to see her again. Before that, my aunt told my mom that if i leave Bulgaria, that maybe she will talk to me. I believe this is a lie, that she is only really interested in me leaving and that anything afterwards that happens where the relationship is "fixed", will just be fake.

    To be honest, my aunt has shown herself to be exactly the opposite of who I thought she is and I don't want anything to do with someone like this...At various points throughout this tragedy, I was ready to forgive my aunt but the way things are now, there is just no way I can forgive this, even if somehow my aunt decides to apologize to me. With my cousin though, I don't know what to do...I feel that even though my cousin disagrees with my feelings on her own, that her mom fed her a ton of nonsense and has twisted her way of thinking towards me, to the point where she is afraid of me.

    This has absolutely tore me apart as a person. To come with only good intentions and to be viewed as if I'm some criminal, rapist or murderer, particularly by people I loved, is devastating. I cried every day for the last few months. I have even attempted suicide. This is the only thing I think about now, it has completely consumed me. I'm not the person i used to be anymore, I'm completely broken. I don't know how I can ever recover from this to be honest. My mom tells me to come home so she can help me through this but her idea of help isn't what I have in mind...she feels that my feelings for my cousin, is something I need help with and I disagree. I need help dealing with this tragedy and what her aunt has done to me...I've become so consumed by hate now towards her, I don't know what to do. I haven't found anything that makes me happy anymore...and anything new that occurs regarding this tragedy is just more negative. Nothing positive seems to happen.

  2. I told 5 of my friends. All were fine with it...one of them didn't agree but was still supportive.

    My mom knows as well (she found out, I didn't actually want to help her) and she flipped out. She is very close minded about cousin couples (and many many other things) so I didn't expect her to understand. All she does is alienate me now...

  3. This is a pretty sad story...but honestly I think it is very important to attempt to have a discussion in person. I'm not sure how you asked her but you should emphasize that there seems to be many misunderstandings and that this problem can't be resolved unless they are talked about. Running away without wanting to hear the other side of the story is bad.

  4. well a little update...I'm going back to this country for 3 months and plan to see her. I will only really get to see her on the christmas/new years holidays. I spoke to her a few times since the last post I made here and had some very pleasant conversations. She says she can't wait to see me and neither can I.

    I don't think I will confess during the holidays, unlike things really get to the next level. Right now I really just plan to spend time with her, have fun and see if I can help her out in any way possible. I really want us to become closer as friends.

    Can't wait...my mom is still furious though. Luckily though, my mom's friends support my decision and have offered to help out my mom with this problem...to calm her down and make her understand.

  5. Few days later her mother told her "Kinda pity he's your cousin, isn't it?". She replied with a single "Yeah", because her mother wanted to hear that, I guess.

    All in all: She (cousin) wants the relationship, but fears her side of family's reaction.

    Honestly the way her mother responded to it, is a positive thing for you. Many would be furious, hers just seems to suggest she doesn't think it is a good idea. I really wish I recieved this kind of reaction about it (compared to what I actually did receive).

  6. Well we got some big news!! Her mother and father told her they knew we were in love and that they were ok with us :) they just want us to be happy and even asked of we would be getting married. I'm happier now then ever. Being accepted is one thing we were both worried about. Thank you for your kind words!! :)

    This is an amazing story...I envy you. You are a very lucky person.


  7. Wait now, my dear, don't go all Romeo on us here.

    Threatening to end your life is a very serious matter.  If you need to talk to someone about this, please do.  A counselor, a pastor, a friend - someone!  This with your cousin is not even technically a relationship, yet.  You want it to be, you hope it will be, but it's not quite there yet.  I can tell that you are really crazy about her, but slow down a little and breathe!

    Well the issue is more that what I currently have with her, might be destroyed...I don't want to lose that. I also don't want to lose what I have with her mom, because I'm pretty close to her as well and I do like her a lot.

    Let me also say that I don't think she is receptive to a relationship with you right now.  Even the most busy among us, if we want to spend time with someone, will find the time.  I work three jobs - two are businesses that I own - and am a single mom to 2 teenage children.  If I can find time in my hectic schedule for a relationship, then anybody can.  The fact that she won't let you know when she is available to talk is a sign that she just doesn't want to.  Trust me, I have used the "I'm too busy" card a time or two in my life - most of us have.

    Oh I already know she doesn't seem to be looking for a relationship now...it actually seems like she isn't looking for a relationship with anyone. I'm ok with that because I know how ambitious she is right now. Honestly I really really want to help her achieve her goals and I hope to do that when I eventually travel back there. Right now I just want to be someone she knows she can depend on, so I can get her through her hardships.

    About her not telling me when she is available...she actually did give me a time (this is back when she was working her hectic job) but then when I called during those times, she was still pretty busy. She said it wasn't as free of a time as she thought it might be and that she just couldn't give a certain time anymore.

    It truly sounds like a lot of drama right now in your life.  Take a step back, breathe and let things take a more natural course.  It's all gonna be OK.

    I hope you are right...there is about a month left before my trip. Going to try to let those days pass without any additional drama and hopefully I can put out some fires. Not sure how it's going to happen though, my mom is a very bigoted, irrational person that can snap at any moment.

  8. An update...pretty much everything has turned to hell.

    My mom found out about my love for her (because of a mistake on my part) and she is IRATE. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, yelling about how wrong and immoral it is, how sick it is, how I need to get rid of these feelings asap and to see some kind of psychiatric counsellor. When I pointed her to various statistics on this site, and tried to use some generic logic to argue my case, she pretty much ignored it and said something like "yeah just because there are many sick people out there that would do this, doesn't mean it's right". The worst part of it all is that she is threatening to tell everyone...she is trying to make me look like a monster for UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING my cousin and wanting to do everything for her out of the goodness of my heart.

    if she does expose this to them and ruin my entire relationship with the family, then I really feel like I'm going to end my life...I just don't see how I can go on if that happens.

    I think she is going to use this as a way to blackmail me to do whatever she wants (this is the kind of person she is). I'm so afraid right now...utterly terrified. I don't know what to do...my heart has been pounding fast non-stop for two days and doesn't seem to be slowing down.

  9. Thanks...I'm wondering if there are any other similar kinds of statistics from other studies out there. I haven't really been able to find much on it.

    Anyway, my mom's view is so incredibly simple minded...I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm really afraid...I feel she is going to reveal it to the other family, and say things that are false (she doesn't truly understand my love for my cousin) and overall just ruin the entire family relationship I have with them.

    I've attempted to talk about it, bringing up some statistics and just general logic. She is not listening at all and is just responding with more and more screaming.

    I think I need to get away from this person as soon as possible.

  10. Hello...

    Well, my mom found out about my cousin romance and right now, tempers are flaring (mainly from her end). It's chaos here...her viewpoint of the subject is extremely simple minded. She is screaming that it is immoral, wrong, etc. She is labelling my LOVE as a very terrible thing to have, and I'm pretty puzzled by this. I intend to try to educate her on the facts...the thing is, I need some sources on some of the facts mentioned here:


    I tried to look up some of these statistics on google and couldn't really come up with much...I'm particularly intrigued by:

    "It is estimated that 20 percent of all couples worldwide are first cousins. It is also estimated that 80 percent of all marriages historically have been between first cousins!"

    Is there a source for this statistic? I'm actually pretty surprised by how high these percentages are. Also, any idea which countries or continents, make up the majority of these percentages? I'm going to assume Asia, but what about Europe? I'm guessing the least is probably like the US or something, as they seem to have the most restrictions and it says only 1 in 1000 marriages are cousin marriages. Regardless, I'd like some more sources on this, if possible.


  11. Eh, are you guys reading the parts where she makes it pretty clear that her cousin is showing some signs of possibly being attracted to her, despite being married?

    I would suggest approaching him in person and maybe asking what's up with some of his behavior...if you are afraid that perhaps you might be misunderstanding his behavior, then you should just not say you have romantic feelings for him unless he admits that the reason he was acting the way he was acting was because he has romantic feelings for you. Right now it just seems like he is showing all these signs, but you haven't really attempted to find out what they meant.

  12. Man, i can tell you from self-experience, don't ever say that you love her again to her.

    My life went wrong when i told her this. Just stay low, think about something else.

    I don't want you to end like i did, so give her time, talk with her, but not so much.

    You can follow my advices, or you can do what you want.

    Anyway, i wish you all the luck, you are gonna need it.

    Different people react to things differently...it also depends a lot on your relationship with them in the first place. Like in your example, you guys were not nearly as close as the topic creator's relationship seems to be.

    I think her reaction was a positive one, just keep spending time with her (preferably in person) and just have fun...probably don't bring up the love thing for some time but eventually remind her and ask her how she feels.

  13. But what did she say in reply to

    "I definitely made it very clear to her that I do love her, that I have many regrets in the past (as I explained in my post above) and I want to correct those mistakes...and that I'll always be there for her."

    To me your hints are pretty significant, I would find it very unusual for one of my non-love cousins (I have quite a lot of female cousins) to say stuff like this. She may be suspecting. But maybe not, especially if you're her only or one of few cousins she has, and that you hadn't seen her for so long. But still, some people can read others like a book and as your cousin she's probably good at reading you ;)

    Well, she basically said something like "don't be ridiculous" when I was talking about my regrets and correcting my mistakes...but then regarding the part about loving her and being there for her and wanting to help her out in her ambitions, she seemed very thankful...I'm not sure what's really running through her mind but I didn't feel much awkwardness. I suppose there was a little bit of silence...

    She does have some other cousins...one of them was a big trouble kid and she has severed all ties with him. She has another cousin but I think she doesn't see him often. I'm pretty much the only one that doesn't live in her country and the one she sees the least. I do remember though...pretty much every single year, from when she was a kid, to even now, she would call us overseas and she would ask "when are you guys going to come visit???" It was painful to usually have to reply "maybe next year", I feel so utterly sick just thinking about it, that I can't turn time around.

    Now the thing is, when it was very difficult to get through to her in the past couple of months, I actually thought the reason was because she might be avoiding me...possibly because she might have suspected what was going on and didn't want to be a part of it. I was really afraid of this, but I found out (through her and other people) that she really is THAT busy. I doubted her a few times regarding this and every time I did, I was wrong...I really shouldn't doubt her anymore but...being the nature of the person I am, I tend to overanalyze things and worry.

    Don't get carried away, there's really no reason to feel guilty about the past or feel bad that she's too busy. What you need to do is next time you speak to her on the phone tell her you love these catch ups and ask her when it's best to call her so you have the greatest chance to chat and lessen the chance of being disappointed. I think that's a cute thing to say. Most people especially ambitious people have a regular schedule.

    Yeah I actually have asked about her schedule...she told me she just can't give me a good answer on that because she is always busy with something. She did say she will be on skype more often.

    I think I might stop giving out any more hints for the time being...until I see her in person (which is going to be soon). For now I will continue to stay in touch, while not taking it too far to the point where it looks obsessive (though to be honest...I was afraid I might have crossed that line).

    I've been thinking a lot about what I would give her for Christmas...because I will definitely be able to meet her then. It's tough...I want it to be something memorable, that has value and can be used/worn often, something that she doesn't just stick into the closet to rot (for instance), but at the same time, I don't want to overdo it and I also don't want to make it look like I'm trying to "buy her out".

  14. I don't see what's wrong with what Oitza is trying to do with his cousin. He knows additional things about her specific boyfriend, that she doesn't know about. It's great that he was warning her about who he really is and what he was after, I don't think this is really "controlling her life".

    If you know something will probably end in disaster, especially if you have additional knowledge on the matter, I don't see why you would let that disaster occur.

  15. My mother is the one who cares for her reputation by the community more than her life. I don't want to make all of her reputation go by one of my action, at the same time I don't want to let go of my cousin. This is why I need your help. This is why I have a doubt about me marrying my cousin.

    Sorry but I really can't respect anyone who has the mentality of their reputation by the community mattering more than her life (or the life of her kids, etc). You love your cousin for what seems to be legitimate reasons. If my mother as the way you described, I would not listen to anything she has to say and would have let her go a long time ago.

  16. I disagree with Serendipity...

    Your cousin's reaction looks like a positive one...she probably still needs more time to think about it. Just keep talking to her more (about regular stuff, not necessarily about your love) and perhaps bring it up again sometime later. I'd recommend trying to get together more often rather than just texting.

    Also, you don't really NEED to go on a date to love someone. They might have spent some time together in person as well...he did post a picture of them together, so it's not like their relationship has been entirely texting. That said, I'd recommend spending more time in person...

  17. Well a little update on this...

    I've been talking to her on the phone for a while. It was really hard to get through to her because of her hectic work schedule. It seems she was unable to really make enough time for me (or anyone really) so it was hard for me to deal with that...but she finished that and is now in school, and it seems just as hectic. It's just very difficult to talk to her.

    She recently did go on Skype though...she seems to be an extremely ambitious person, possibly so ambitious that she really has no time at all for a love life. The last thing I want to do is to get in the way of her ambitions...in fact, I made it very clear to her that I want to help her in any way possible, even financially.

    I've been dropping a few hints here and there about how I feel. I haven't really confessed the romantic aspect of my love for her but I definitely made it very clear to her that I do love her, that I have many regrets in the past (as I explained in my post above) and I want to correct those mistakes...and that I'll always be there for her. She is happy about that...didn't seem shocked or turned off by this. I'm not sure if she has put the pieces together to realize that my love is beyond just being a cousin.

    In any case, I'm planning to go back soon to that country and spend more time...working towards obtaining citizenship in that country as well. It's a complicated process, more complicated than I had imagined...but I've never worked so hard for something before, and it's never felt more right to me than anything else I've wanted to do.

  18. I think you did things in the wrong order here...you should have given your advice to her about your friend but not have told her that you love her (romantically). Now she probably thinks you are trying to stop their relationship just so you can be with her instead.

    Maybe you can confront your friend about it but I wouldn't mention anything about you being in love with your cousin, to him or to her, not for a while anyway...

  19. gryan - that's what I'm doing right now. I'm typing up an email and laying it all out there. I do want to be happy and I want her to be happy as well; even if that means she's with someone else. Send me good vibes and prayers. :)

    Thank you.

    I'd honestly not do that in an e-mail...you just can't express certain emotions well that way, and now is probably where you want to make it count.

  20. Honestly what I would do is to just lay out ALL my feelings out there...what I feel, what I'm willing to do for her, the sacrifices I'm willng to make, etc. Lay it all out, give her time to think clearly about it. Don't push her. I'd also stress not to abandon her regardless of her answer...

    It seems to me that you wanted to lay out all your feelings (in that giant text you said you were typing) but then you didn't send it. Don't get mad at her...don't play the guilt trip tactic and don't make her feel sorry for you. If she still says no then well...you might be out of luck at the time. Just keep spending time with her, maybe she will change her mind but don't force her to.

  21. BrokenHeart, everything you've said makes it look pretty clear that she has an interest in you...go for it. I actually think you should have given her a kiss (on the cheek) at the end there, instead of just a hug. It shows affection but isn't over the top...she might have been disappointed by you just giving her a hug. I kiss my cousin on the cheek often and we are not as close as you and your cousin seem to be.

    Also please keep us updated please and stay in contact with her!

  22. Tib, to me, the only thing you can do is go for it.  If you had these feelings for someone else who wasn't related, you would be just as nervous and scared about the potential rejection. Those feelings are natural.  I say go for it because I honestly think it would be better to be honest and take a shot and be rejected than never take a shot at all.  At least you know and at least you don't have any regret on the issue later in life.  You can begin the process, the very slow and hard process, of moving on.  And honestly, going for it is the only way your joy of being with that person can come about.  Someone has to take the plunge.  Just don't let anyone make you believe the way you feel is wrong, him or anyone.  Lean on your friend and hopefully this site will lend some helpful advice.  Good luck, Tib.

    To be honest I've felt the opposite about this kind of situation. I don't think it's the same thing as having those feelings for some unrelated person, because you stand much more to lose if things go sour with your cousin...in some cases I have even wondered if it is worth the risk because with my cousin, I definitely do not want to lose what I already have with her. Because of this, I still haven't told her...and I'm very afraid and I get some really bad feelings inside when I think about it and all the things that can wrong. I have literally envisioned my confession and like the hundred or so different outcomes to it and most don't look promising to me despite how close I am with her (sorry Tib, don't want to discourage you even more).

  23. Now that I know I will never be with her, I don't know how to be.  It's very difficult to be around someone you love when you know it will never be more than friendship. It's even harder to endure them being with someone else.  What pain do I choose to endure, the never ending rejection every time I see her, but get to see her, be a friend, be family, be someone she needs/wants from time to time, or removing her from my life completely along with both the joy and agony she brings me?

    Except this isn't really the case that you'll never be with her...you said she shrugged it off. Keep spending time with her, make her realize how happy she makes you feel and how much you care for her as well. Bring up the subject again sometime, but don't try to push her. After she rejected you, did the topic ever come up again, like at your lunch? Did she go into details about what she felt was wrong about it? As much as I think you shouldn't push her, from the sound of it, I think you were a bit too passive on that subject when you spoke to her.

    I'd definitely not remove her from my life. I think you should continue to be who you are now, with her and perhaps bring it up again sometime.

  24. What exactly is HIS situation like? Did he finish school? Does he have a job? Does he live on his own? Is he willing to help provide for you where your parents would not?

    You may be able to make this work and still go to college...it's hard to put these kinds of feelings on hold because they will torment you for years, especially if you feel he is the one.

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