I will try to be as short as possible and crystal clear about myself.
I am 23.8 years old male lives in north India, I am about to complete my graduation within a few months.
I am way too shy, it's not natural/normal shyness but I believe it's a big problem for me.
I feel very uncomfortable talking to a female (except my mother and some other family members), I can't even look in their eyes confidently. Even I never had a female
During my school 6 years ago I had a girl in my class, who used to sit behind my bench (sat there for a year) due to fixed seating arrangment. When she changed her
school I started missing her. She was lively, talktive, childish, open minded, emotional, passionate, enthusiastic etc.
Within a few months her memories became obsession for me, I used to think about her day and night .
It took me more than a year to get over with it.
Just about that time 4.5 years ago messaging started between me and my first cousin (mother's brother's daughter).
She is 2 years younger than me and have 2 older brothers.
She has the same nature just as the girl from school.
The chat continued for a month, I started developing feelings for her.
I even told her about the girl from school and she told me about the boy she liked in school.
I wanted to take more time but something (this "something" is the main problem which is making me feel very sick again, since this thing creeps me out so I will put it
only one time in the end ) forced me to convey my feeling early.
I simply said "I like you", she replied "I like you too". That day I was very happy, at night I over messaged her (messages like good night, sweet dreams etc).
The next day she messaged me that she is not ready for any relationship right now and don't want her brothers to know anything about it as she don't want any trouble.
I was confused and angry at her and replied "You should have not said I like you yesterday, don't message me again, blah blah...",(Now I know I should have given her
space, time and respected her decision ).
Later that night I was not able to sleep properly, so in morning I wrote a very long long meaasge apologizing her.
Unfortunately her oldest brother and his wife read that message (though they both were understanding and said to us "You two should not have anything in between right
now, we will think about you two in future).
She was very upset that what she didn't wanted has happened.
I was very depressed for the next few months. Every time I visited their house I felt awkwardness and my shyness prevented me dealing with the situation correctly.
Previously I used to visit their house 3-4 times a year but after that incident I visited their house 4 times in last 4 years. Everytime after returning to home I
stayed depressed for a few weeks.
Over these years I have realised that I might have fell for my cousin because I never had a female friend or talked to them.
Whatever the reasons are I belive my feelings are real and they are quite strong towards her.
Though I have a lot of cousins but I have realised I always had something for her from a long time back even before 4.5 years ago.
Now fast fowarding things to present.
Now I don't expect anything from her absolutely nothing, this is what my mind thinks.
But my heart still have feelings for her.
Last week I had to stay at their house for her second oldest brothers wedding.
Everything was fine and my awkwardness has reduced over the years, but something has made me feel very sick.
This is the last thing on earth I want to talk about because it creeps me out, but I desperately need some advice.
The thing is she has used "bro**er" word two times while calling me during the stay and one time 1.5 years ago (but at that time I ignored it, I thought it was a
mistake though it literally pi**ed me off).
But this time it really made me upset.
Since it gave me a very very very sick feeling so I decided to return home, as she came to know I was going she asked me three times "desperately"(the way she asked me
I can say she was desperately asking me) to stay on two occasions.
But I refused to stay though I want to tell her the truth why I was leaving, I didn't have courage and nor did I know how to explain this thing to her.
Later that night when I was leaving I saw her on roof standing alone at 11pm in dark (I don't know why she was up there and what she was thinking).
It's been 2 days I am at home but I still feels sick. I cannot completely avoid visiting her house in future it's inevitable but I don't want to hear that word again.
What should I do ?
How do I talk to her about it?
How should I explain things to her?
I would be thankful for some advice.