I have looked at this forum for the past year and I am so hopelessly lost and would welcome any advice please.
I am a lesbian and am nearly 40 and am married to a woman for 8 years.
My cousin is in her mid 30s and she lives about a 2 hour drive away from me.
Last year she contacted me via email and we had not been n touch since we were children, but even then we were never in touch. The last time I saw her was at her mums funeral and she was still a child as I was. She and I have had terrible childhoods but were kept apart by distance and family troubles.
We started texting last year and she flirted with me and I flirted back. My partner knew all of this. I must stress that my partner knows everything that has since happened with my cousin and I.
Then one day my partner and I suggested we meet my cousin in person for the first time. We did and I hugged my cousin and we hugged for what seemed like hours but was actually 30 minutes. The hug nearly turned into a kiss in front of my partner and it hurt her I know.
I felt so sorry that I hurt my partner, but it was like an explosive had hit my heart. I know you all are going to tell me that I am crazy and that I have been so bad but it has happened.
Since then my cousin and I have met several times and slept together, which was a little awkward at first as we were so scared of the whole thing but my partner knew it was going to happen and she even gave her blessing though I know this hurt her. To explain a little my partner and I kind of had previously thought about having an open relationship as she was interested in experimenting with a man.
Recently my cousin and I fell out massively and she said she didn't want anything more to do with me as she told someone and they gave a negative reaction and then my cousin got scared. We haven't been in touch for 2 days nearly and it hurts like mad. I have never felt like this before about anyone and it scares me as I love her and I know she loves me too as she said so many times.
I do love my partner. Yeah I know it doesn't seem like it, but we have had a rocky relationship too.
I just don't know what to do. I feel bereft.