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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Scarlet75

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About Scarlet75

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  1. Update (for those who are following): It seems that my cousin would prefer to play Jack the Lad and has chosen a life of casual sex without any contact with me (and his excuse is that it is because he has such deep feelings for me, he can't even talk as just friends with me. The woman he lives with got it into his head that this was incestuous, so I think that is part of his motivation. I tried to explain otherwise, even sent him the webpage to this place, but I doubt he's visited). Besides, his behaviour is really starting to be more like that of a player, and I'm just not interested in that, despite what I felt for him. So, my advice to anyone considering pursuing something with their cousin: don't forget that they are still people, and it could go the same way as any relationship or interaction. The difference is that you will probably feel things far more intensely than you ever have in your life, both the good and the bad. So if you're not prepared for that, then let that sleeping dog lie.
  2. Is it right to deceive him?

    My sympathies. This is not an easy topic, and the fact that it is family makes it even harder than any situation when dealing with feelings and potential relationships. In my experience, you should be prepared for the worst case scenario, then ask yourself if you can live with it. I have recently found myself in horrible mess that I had just trusted wouldn't happen because of the expectation that at least family would treat you with more respect than a stranger would. Sadly, not the case. After many months of us actually admitting our mutual attraction and feelings for each other, my cousin just decided to dump me out of the blue and start sleeping around with other people, because he has some kind of personal agenda or something. It feels worse that having that done to me by someone I had met anywhere else. If he gets upset at your deception then how can he possibly feel real love for you? If he really loves you he should understand your shy feelings and your fears and not be upset, but instead be compassionate. tell him, or don't tell him. Just don't expect that it will be a fairytale and that everything will work out. It will be the same as any other relationship has the potential to be, just that you probably will feel it far more intensely the good and the bad). Best of luck.
  3. Firstly, don't ever feel sorry for the good feelings you have for her. The world is full of a lot of pain and sorrow, so decent, sincere love is nothing to be ashamed of. One thing we have to remember in all of this coslove stuff is that it is still like a standard relationship between people, and their feelings can wax and wane, or even change. She may have fallen in love with someone else who has less social taboo associated with them, and maybe that gives her comfort right now. I think that no matter what, no matter who a person is, when you love someone, truly love them, it doesn't ever go away. It might stop for a while, or be reduced, but real love is an energy, and it can not be destroyed. Take a deep breath, try to relax, and try to give both of you some space. Maybe you were just a novelty to her before, maybe it's more. If she's still young, there is also a maturity/immaturity factor to consider. It sucks, I know, but what you need is time. Good luck.
  4. Update: Since I last posted, not a lot has changed, but a few minor updates are worthy of note. I think I have come to the realization that my marriage isn't going to work out. I love my husband but it has felt more as a companion than a lover, and I feel too young to live the rest of my life without a lover. I have been trying to make this marriage work for years, and hearing him say things like he will try harder to be romantic just reminds me of how little work love and romance are for some people. Love shouldn't be work. A relationship should be, but there should be love there to fuel the efforts. I just don't feel that it is there. As far as my cos goes, we exchanged a couple of emails, and he saI'd things that made me feel like he's struggling, not a player. We still probably won't be on speaking terms for quite a while I fear. Who knows what will happen in that time. At the moment, I am picturing a future where I am single, putting myself and my kids first and hopefully being more selective about who I open my heart to. I can't see anyone making me feel the way my cos has. I have had many long term relationships in my life, so I have a respectable sampling of what men are out there. I just love this one so much I know that I'd be comparing any other man to him. Someone said they had a relative who passed away having never married because she couldn't marry her cousin. I feel like I can relate to that. Once I have split with my husband, I can't see being with anyone else until I have had time to be with my cos. And if that doesn't happen.... It feels crazy to be longing after someone like this, but it is so powerful. I appreciate this forum/webpage as reading things I don't feel ashamed of how I feel for him anymore. Thanx
  5. Help?

    Hi Smiley, I can relate a fair amount to the struggle you are going through. Maybe some time we can PMchat (fellow Canadian). I think you're going to be finding things very difficult to endure, having the longing for him and yet having to get on with things. My cos and I got along like a house on fire, once we actually admitted our feelings to each other. I met him over three events when I was visiting family overseas. There were sparks, and butterflies in my stomach, but he was such a cutie I thought it was just me. It turns out that he had a similar feeling about me. We didn't talk about it, or anything physical. He tried to let me know that he was okay with the cousin thing, but I misread him and so didn't pursue anything. That was back in 2006, and it took a little more than 7 years to finally come clean with the truth (albeit there was some very mild flirting online). Now, things are overly complicated (I wrote about it in this Help/Advice forum, feel free to take a look) and we're both in complex situations, and he's been struggling with things. Some men aren't good at talking, so he ended up running away from me. I have been gutted for over two weeks. I think about him constantly and want to talk, to try to find a safe ground. I tried not to contact him, to respect his need for space, but I did send him an email with an important update about my life. He responded today and told me he still missed me and wanted to be with me but that he had things to sort out first. I expressed how hurt I was and how much I missed him, and told him to do what he needed to do. He didn't reply after that. I still don't know what that means... :/ I think you may end up getting to a similar situation of more direct expression of affection with your cousin, but he needs to do it on his own time, at his own speed, or he may end up resenting you. You have made your case to him, prepared him with supporting information that he shouldn't feel ashamed for how he feels about you as a cousin... but you have to admit that he has to worry about his attraction to you from an infidelity stand point. he may be struggling with that. Hopefully he will come around. The problem is that he might love his current GF very much as well, and it's tough for people to make choices. If he is already in a relationship that doesn't have too many issues, he might not be able to rationalise to himself why he should end it. I wish you the best of luck in this, and that your heart finds some peace. Maybe we could be each other's support friend (like AA) when you feel like making contact with *him*, call the support friend to help keep you from rushing in. Gawd knows I could use that once in a while. :angel: Cheers!!
  6. Rottencards

    I completely agree!
  7. Thank you both for your kind words of support. I have been trying to talk sense into myself about moving on, getting on with it, etc. I have had a few set backs, but I know (I hope) that it will get easier with time. I have been reading other peoples' posts since I put this up, and I see that others also find the deep connection difficult to get over. That is reassuring in a way. I think I/we took on too many variables at one time: long distance, age gap (I'm 39 and he is 28), open relationships, kissing cousins, etc. (He had told me about the other cousin (they were younger then) as a way of letting me know he was okay with the idea.) He returns from his trip this week, so I have one more week of waiting to see if he will change his mind in the short term, and then, I guess I just have to move on. My heart has never ached this way for anyone before.
  8. How does your cousin make you feel?

    (My story is posted in the help/advice forum, so I will just keep to the happy bits here.) When we would talk, my cousin made me feel amazing. Just being on Skype or text with him would light me up. We only were in the same space on one trip, and since we have made our feelings known, I haven't had the chance to be with him in person. I really wanted to see how that would work out. Our connection was so strong that we could wake each other from sleep just by thinking of each other. It was crazy. My heart would sing every time I even thought about him. Now, I don't know what will happen, but I hope that one day we can reconnect and express in person what we shared online.
  9. Based on what you have said, he is flirting for sure, it isn't your imagination. Maybe consider saying something like "it doesn't matter that we are cousins" and tell him how you feel about him. That is what I did with my cos (generally) and found out that he wasn't just being playful because it was his character, he was flirting because he was interested. We never really got past the 1st cousin hang ups though. (Probably part of our problems...). Go for it. You will always regret not saying anything. Even if it doesn't work out, the ride might be fun. And thanks for your help with my post.
  10. Do you/have you regularly said "I love you"?

    My cousin and I were talking intensely for months before I finally said it. (My story is in the help/advice forum; I suggest reading it to get up to speed with the Coles Notes version). I had hinted at it a couple of times playfully, one time telling him after he had teased me that I was about to say it, but since he'd been mean to me I wasn't going to. And he had told me directly me a few times that he loved me and cared about me. I finally worked up the nerve to say the words, and he was so overjoyed to hear me finally say it ... 10 days later he cut me out of his life. It's been a bit rough. I'm glad I at least had the chance to say the words, even if I had already been expressing the sentiment. I'm not too sure what our future holds, but one day I would like to be able to look into his eyes in person and tell him how I feel. Anything more than that would be bonus.
  11. Hi, newbie here. I read through a few postings and felt comfortable enough to register and share my story, hoping for a bit of feedback. My cousin story is a bit different than what I have been reading, in that I met my cousin for the first time in 2006 when I traveled overseas to meet family. I didn't even know he existed before that. My family tree on that side is a bit, well, wonky. Anyway, there were sparks right away, but he was so cute, and so much younger than me that I figured it was just my imagination and his charm. Before I left, he told me how he had hooked up with another cousin in the family, someone more his age and who he saw far more frequently. When he told me that I thought, "Oh, so that little taboo has already been touched on in the family, so best I stay out of it." We spoke very infrequently since then, keeping in touch the odd time through Facebook. He lives in the UK with other family members there. Fast forward to this year, when circumstances came up that required greater contact, and he and I started talking a lot. Due to family personality traits, charm and flirtation are fairly common, and so that kind of playful banter started... and then something more. I'm married, and my husband and I had discussed the concept of opening our marriage, but I never felt I could find someone I would feel comfortable enough to do that with. So, when I started finding out that my cousin had felt the same sparks I had years ago, and that he was very attracted to me, I considered the situation for a few days then decided to give it a go. He was open minded and had no qualms about it. We spoke a lot, every day for hours on Skype or in text. He made me laugh like no one had before (and I have had a few serious, long term relationships, so I'm not new to connecting with people), and he was so romantic, and could get me fired up, and everything was fantastic. We both agreed that for logistics sake, and a few other reasons, we didn't want to pursue an exclusive relationship. Yet, certain things started being expressed, sometimes more out of him than from me, as I was trying to keep to a minimum any ideas that might be interpreted as pressure. Over the course of five months, my husband's opinion on the matter kept swinging from one extreme to the other, of happy acceptance to bitter jealousy. It was putting a lot of stress on everyone. My cos was also seeing a couple of people back in the UK, and his desires for me were starting to strain some of those relationships. I think he started getting more interested in a new lady, but he always denied it, said that the three he had on the go already (included me) were more than enough. Then one day, during the stress and strain of what my husband and I were going through, my cousin just cut off all ties (pretty much). He blocked me on Facebook, and removed me from his Skype contacts. One night he sends me a loving text before bed, and when I wake up the next morning he has sent me an email saying he is hugely stressed and is "going dark". I had a chance to book an immediate flight out to the UK to see him to try to talk about it, and I wanted to speak with him about the idea, but he declined my new friend request. I thought that if I did it anyway, it could either be the most romantic thing in the world, or the creepiest, and I wasn't sure what kind of way he would see it. The things we spoke of, the way he talked to me, the things we shared... I know that he felt deeply for me, and I for him. And I've been in situations before where the only way I was able to cope was that *I* had to cut ties, so I can rationalise his (immature) behaviour. But part of me is wondering if that is what it was, or if he really is just being a player (part of his genetic heritage). I have decided not to contact him further and let him come to me if he wants to talk. He is away right now, so silence doesn't necessarily mean what it could mean. No one has ever made me feel the way he has, on so many levels, and I doubt anyway ever will. A past boyfriend used to hold that top spot, and the connection I felt with my cousin just blew that out of the water. My husband is nice, and he's very handsome, but there are some levels we just don't connect on, and I had been struggling with the idea of ending my marriage for many years. I told him that if it ended now, it wasn't because I was leaving him for my cousin, but I know that is how it would always be interpreted. If I was single, I would want to have a crack at a proper romantic relationship with my cos, and I don't have any expectations for how long it would last, I just know that it would be like fireworks. It's been less than two weeks since I was struck off. I am still struggling with it, but trying to be mature and graceful. So, how crazy am I to keep thinking about him? Should I be trying to do those negative reinforcement tricks of thinking bad things about him to try to make myself lose interest, or is that just futile? I already knew going into this that my heart would probably be broken, and that it would take many many years to get over him. I guess I just hoped I could find a way to avoid it. Thanks for reading.
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