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Cuttinghimout

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About Cuttinghimout

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  1. I broke him

    So I've been in constant communication with my cousin for the past week. He usually responds to my texts and I've taken him to do a few things around town. He's hinted that we can be a support system for each other. My cousin drops hints, instead of telling me things head on, so I've learned to read between the lines. He was kind of saying that when we stopped talking, he lost someone to confide in. Since I stopped speaking to him, it seems as if he has lost all of his self-esteem and self-confidence, while I gained mine. The other night, I went out with a friend of mine. She's a party girl. vs me, who is more of a homebody. I didn't get drunk or anything, but I did have a good time going to the different clubs. She sparked something in me that has really boosted my self-esteem. I want to be that confident girl who can be loud and have a good time too. But it's hard to let loose completely because I feel bad that I broke my cousin mentally. I mean, after we stopped talking, I thought I was in a mentally bad place. But apparently, I came out of it just fine compared to him. I don't know what I can do to fix it. I think he may need a psychiatrist. He has bad anxiety and depression. He worries about everything, and I thought I was a worrier! I just don't get it. I knew that when I stopped speaking to him, he would take it hard, but I didn't think I'd break him so bad emotionally. Since I've interacted with him and my outgoing amazing friend, I've realized just how far I've come on my journey and how much further I need to go. I'm not the same person at all. I'm on a breaking point of something great. Forgiving him for hurting me so bad was something that took me a while to wrap my head around. But I got there. I forgave him. I just hope I am not the true cause of his pain. Because he won't tell me. I don't want him back in any kind of way, but I do hope by speaking to him again, he will begin to heal. It seems like he has just been nursing an open wound for so long.
  2. Should I take him out to coffee?

    Yeah, I'm done thinking about him. Things can go back to the way they were before when we were younger. I didn't really care for him growing up, and only dealt with him when I had to. Back then, I at least liked the people he dated, but I can't stand his wife, so I probably won't say anything around her either. I tend to think that she might have left him..
  3. Should I take him out to coffee?

    I did end up buying him McDonald's. I wouldn't let him be hungry. That's just how I am, but I got him that on the way to his house.
  4. Should I take him out to coffee?

    So I dropped him off at home a while ago. I picked him up too. He literally lives 4 minutes away from me. Kind of odd, but whatever. We didn't talk about our past at all. Things were kind of tense. He complained the entire time because he didn't really want to help. It was basically a waste of time cause I ended up doing all the work. The thing that bothered me the most was that he was hinting at me peeing in a cup for him to do a drug test cause he's getting a new job and can't pass the drug test. I of course did not volunteer myself for that. Maybe his wife can give him what he needs, but I certainly can't. He hasn't changed at all, as far as using me for his own agenda. He's more whiney than he used to be. He's not the friend I had way back when. It's time to just let him go. His voice wasn't even the same.
  5. Should I take him out to coffee?

    Thanks for the reply! I'm going to see him today for the first time in a while. I'll definitely be paying attention to the way he's acting. Thanks for your advice. I'm beyond nervous. But hopefully everything is going to be ok. I'm hoping he's over me, and doesn't ask to start anything up again. Of course the answer would be, 'No,' but I just don't want to talk about it. Fingers crossed!
  6. Should I take him out to coffee?

    My cousin agreed to help my mom and I fix up my grandparents house. I didn't personally speak to him, but my mom and grandma did. He said he would help finish painting the master bedroom, which is where I'll be sleeping. I guess he seemed sad on the phone. He wouldn't say what was bothering him, but he called two more times to talk to my grandma after he agreed to help. I figure I should at least take him out to coffee or something to thank him for helping, plus there is some muddied water between us that needs to be discussed so things won't be so tense. Ever since I cut him loose, I have missed the friendship part of our relationship, and maybe some of that can be rekindled...Maybe I can just give him a gift card and leave myself out of it. I just don't want to be a chicken. I normally don't speak to people I've cut off, so this is kind of hard for me, trying to decide what to do. I know he'll know everything about what I've been up to because my grandma has told him. I'm just torn. This reunion was inevitable, I just don't know what to do.
  7. Going to have to talk to him again..

    So long story short, I have to move. The person I'm renting from is selling the house and I don't have the means to get another place of my own, so I have to move in with my grandparents until I can save up for a new place. The thing is, my grandparents' house is stuck in the 60s and it is in desperate need of maintenance and TLC. The main thing I want to do is fix up the room I'll be staying in, and my grandparents agreed that the room is in pretty bad shape. Only, they want my cousin to help repair some of the dry wall and put new windows in. They've already told him about it, and they want him to fix up other things in the house as well. So I'll be seeing him more often. It's been since 2010-2011 since I've stopped all contact with him, but at this point, I don't see any way of avoiding him. I'm really over what happened between us. Life has definitely gone on, and I'm not nearly as upset/hurt as I was just a few years ago. So I think I should make peace with him. Of course things will never be the same, but It's time to put things in the past. I don't really need his help to do anything, but I've got no choice because my grandparents want him to help. They never really understood how we went from being such good friends in our adulthood, to never speaking. So, it's a catch twenty-two. I'm ready to make peace though, I just have of figure out what to say and how to start the conversation. PS. I have another post about my situation, if you need a little background. The jest of it is that he cheated, got engaged, and didn't tell me all while still wanting a relationship with me. So yeah..
  8. The test of time

    Thanks, LadyC. That sounds like a good idea. and if I don't get to speak to him, I can always continue to pray for his parents.
  9. The test of time

    It has been nearly five years since I stopped speaking to my cousin. Tomorrow, I am going to a funeral and I'm sure he'll be there. Possibly alone, or with his wife. Lately both his mother and father have been battling a very bad bought of cancer, and only time will tell if either one of them make it to see next year. The funeral I'm going to is for another cousin, my mom's first cousin, so I guess I would be the second cousin of the deceased. Normally I wouldn't bother going to a funeral, I saw the deceased the week before he died, in hospice, because I knew that I may not attend the funeral, and I wanted to say goodbye and that I loved him while he could still see me and speak to me. The past month has had a lot of challenges, and I know that the entire family is stressed right now. But, with it being nearly five years since I've uttered a word to the cousin I was involved with and with it being the 8 year anniversary of when he first told me he had feelings for me, I'm not sure if I should express condolences to him, since he is losing both of his parents at the same time, or if I should just stay to myself. I am sorry that they are both so sick, and his sibling has kind of bolted away from both situations (their parents are divorced) so he is basically taking care of his mother by himself as she recovers from surgery. I don't know, this is kind of a hard situation, but I may need to clear the air with him if I want to attend any upcoming family gatherings, especially with the holidays coming around. I think I have healed enough from what happened previously, and have dealt with enough people in the past few years to not let whatever happens get me down too much.
  10. How do I respond?

    Yes, one day at a time. For me it was like, if I can get through the next minute I'll be ok. I listened to a lot of sad love songs and cried it out until I felt like I could pick myself up. I actually developed new tastes in music as I was recovering. The worst part was that my immediate family was worried about me but of course I couldn't tell them what was wrong. Just take it day by day, minute by minute, hour by hour. You'll be fine read a few books, write a book if that's something you're into. Just get your mind off it the best you can. You deserve the world and are worth so much more than what he is putting you through. There is someone out there who is perfect for you and wouldn't put you through this kind of turmoil no matter what. Everything's going to be fine, and there is always darkness before dawn. I believe my cousin was meant to teach me what I didn't want in a relationship so that I knew what I did want as I moved forward in life. Take all the lessons he gave you and put them to better use when you finally get around to finding your perfect partner.
  11. How do I respond?

    I don't log in much because I am no longer in a relationship with my cousin, but I do like to browse the forums from time to time. I felt compelled to reply to your post, JPixie because a few years back I was in a similar situation with my cousin. I was 17 when he first told me that he had feelings for me and he was 25. My cousin has never been physically violent toward me, but he has been in prison for hitting his first wife, and he is now in another legal situation for hitting his second wife. If he can hit those two women, what would stop him from hitting me? You know, really nothing. When I was little he would hang me upside down by my ankles, he also used to tease me a lot, for years I didn't like my own name because he and his sister used to tease me so much. So I know he is capable of being an all around evil person. In fact, I could not stand him for the first 14 or so years of my life. When he was 24 he was released from prison, I was about 15. I would talk to him on the phone when he was in prison, but i never wrote to him, and if I was talking to him on the phone, I was really just trying to kill time until someone he wanted to talk to came home. We became friends when he was released and he turned out to be OK given our past history. We would stay up al night talking and contemplating life. At some point we even made plans to move to California and live in an apartment by the ocean (Of course this plan never did come into fruition and I was oblivious to the fact that he liked me more than a cousin at this time). By the time i was 17 I considered us best friends. I never did consider that for years he had been so nice to me because he found me attractive, and I was totally blown away by his confession. I had never thought of him in that way, I actually had to learn to love him in a more intimate way. I always knew he was seeing other women, but because of our age difference I didn't feel it was my place to confront him about it, or to tell him what he could or could not do. Especially when I was 17. Needless to say the relationship was complicated. I was not really a sneaky type of person, or a secret keeper, and I felt really guilty about sneaking around with him. Guilty to the point that I would fall into a deep depression afterwards and not talk to him for a few months. Beside my guilt (which I think might have been mutual) he had a real fear that I would become pregnant which always confused me, but that's another story I guess. When I was around 19 he started seeing this girl and I could tell the relationship with her was different, he stopped talking to me as much and wouldn't answer calls or texts. I kind of felt bad because, I thought that I wasn't giving him enough time or attention, and when he wanted to talk to me, I had been so hurt that he liked this new girl that I didn't want to talk to him. So I stopped talking to him all together. Of course he was confused and asked why, but I just told him that I didn't know, that I had been busy, etc. One day I heard that he had gotten engaged to the girl. The news pretty much ripped my heart out. I literally lost my breath and had to sit down for a minute (I had been sweeping). Our secret almost came out to the family when I tried to explain to another cousin that I was not happy with the engagement and she blew it way out of proportion. He was angry with me and I guess he was saying all kinds of crazy things about me. Anyway, that summer I went to visit his sister in LA and she had given him my number (I have no idea why. I think she thought she would catch me in some kind of lie if I talked to him). He called and texted me, asking what happened with our other cousin, why did I tell our secret, and he said he still wanted me. Of course we discussed the whole thing, and I tried to explain to him why the relationship between us would never work, but he said he had a plan. I just didn't see why he couldn't choose. The real bad thing about it was that he couldn't even flat out tell me that he loved me. I remember our last conversation vividly. I was on my way back home when he texted me, telling me about some crazy plan for us to be together again. I told him how hurt I was about the other girl, and everything, I told him every thing that I was on my mind. All he could do was tell me not to feel the way I did and that he 'cared about me'. And if we want to get on the subject of mind games, I told him that we could never get married and I didn't want to sneak around with him anymore. His response was as follows: "We don't need to get married. We're cousins so we should just make good with it." Like what in the world did that even mean? At some point I had lost my cell connection over the mountain and turned the phone off. When I got home, I got on CC and asked for advice. The advice I received was to stay away from him. He was on a really bad path filled with drugs and alcohol, and I was sick of being his secret, and I did not want to be his secret anymore. At the time I was really considering getting back with him. But a lot of good people on this site including LadyC gave me some of the best advice I have ever received, which was to leave him alone. I cut all ties, took him off my Facebook, everything. I have not spoken to him since. I'm not saying cutting ties with him was easy, but it was necessary for my own sanity. I had to treat the situation as if he were dead. I cried for the rest of the summer, but I pulled through it. That fall I enrolled in college, and have been using that as a pretty good distraction for the past few years. Now I'm going for the sole reason of earning the degree. I hardly think about my cousin anymore. I have nothing to say to him and can't think of one thing to say. It's hard having to be in the same room with him during the holidays. But one of the best things you can do is live your life and live it well. If your cousin is as obsessive as mine is, he will keep tabs on you and that's ok. It has been confirmed recently, that he still lives only a few blocks from me. (I moved to the south side of town a few years ago, and shortly after I moved here, he did also) Let him see that you are happy without him, that life does go on. Let him have the girl. You're better than that and you deserve so much more. It is not an easy thing to do. I understand what you're saying when you said that you love him. I was scared to tell my cousin that we were done for good, I actually thought he might kill himself. Sure he has sent himself on a dangerous path, he is now most likely headed to prison or worse, but that's his journey, his choice, and his decision. I have gotten to the point now that he only crosses my mind when someone mentions him. Don't give this guy the power, when you can, get yourself as far away from him as you can, and don't ever look back. I hope everything turns out well for you. I can see that you are hurting a lot right now, but maybe my story will help you feel better.
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