Help, please . This is serious, i need advice. i love my first cousin but im not sure if she loves me. me21m her20f Ive known my first cousin since she was born, i didnt start feeling this way until we started going through puberty. A few years later we were cuddling and more when ever our families got together for the holidays and the family noticed and broke that off immediately. I remember my mom telling me "she is your cousin you cant do that stuff with her, its wrong" and so on. After that when ever we got together for holidays our parents would force us to sit at the dinner table and we didnt talk much for a while after that because of that. I still loved her a lot but i thought it was wrong and thought the kids would end up with like 3 heads and 1 eye. so i didnt make any moves and just hid it away from then on. But a few weeks ago i was on my facebook and i noticed she posted a photo with dildos at college. I then called her a "whore" without thinking much and the pic was deleted shortly after. Then some time after that she made a blog post and when i read it i legitimately thought she was an alcoholic because of the way she wrote it. I then posted "what the f*** did i just read? Im about to block you and never speak to you again, ever. You have ebola" then i blocked her a few hours later. When thanksgiving came around i still wanted to go to thanksgiving to see the rest of my family. i was not allowd to and she told her parents what happened. Then her parents told my parents and after a lot of yelling i was forced to show them the pic with the dildos and her blog post that was pretty much implying that she is an alcoholic. a few days later i found out that she actually isnt an alcoholic at all and the pic she posted on fb was from a "college safe sex event" i didnt believe this at first but then she proved it to me and i was then completely devistated by what i have done. I really didnt want our families to get involved at all, but they did. after i got my thoughts together i overheard someone say something along the lines of "google cousins dating" i dont remember who said that but after searching through google for 9+ hours i found out its legal in most us states and most of the world for cousins to date and the chance of birth defects are very small and its just frowned upon a little. After that the feelings for my cousin drasticly intenseified to the point where i literally cant sleep or eat or drink anything except tea or i feel like i want to puke. I realized i am madly in love with my cousin. I have never ever felt this way about any person except her. i wanted to apoligize to her immediately in person but it didnt look like that was going to happen. so i called her and apoligized for what i posted about her blog and wanted to talk about everything else in person without an audience. i also wanted to give her something to prove this is real. the only thing i had to do that with was a 4 leaf clover i found while i was walking my cat in my yard. When i got to her house we went for a long walk and talked for hours about all of this. I was already very sad/depressed about quite a few of my best friends dieing recently. So i tried my best to explane all of this and where i was comming from with all of this. I think that might have helped. While we were walking i gave her the 4 leaf clover and said "you know when people say love feels like butterflys in your stomach then you actually feel that and you just assume thats what love feels like? Well I love you so much i can feel my whole heart and nervous system hurting, it feels like a crushing heart attack." She didnt get it right away so i quickly went to a new topic but a few mins later we were back infront of her house and i said "when i said i love you i really mean i love you" it took her a few seconds to catch on then she said "unfortunately, I don?t feel the same way? Then i said "ive been feeling this way since we started going through puberty" then she asked "are you comming on to me?" I said "oh god, if i was comming on to you i would have started with a pickup line" "it would probably be something like were you raised on a barn or a farm with chickens and s***?" She said "no" i said "because you're really good at raising cocks" she then laughed and we went inside and talked to her parents for a bit about random things before i went home and unblocked her from fb and sent her a friend request. She went back to college the next day. At this point i havent slept in days and i still cant eat or drink anything except tea or i want to puke and i cant stop thinking about her at all. I love her so much and love isnt a word i use frequently. I dont even write love on my moms birthday cards. Now before this point you should know i was a huge stoner until this point. i was so proud that i finally told her about the way i feel i dont want to use weed anymore and i want to get a job to support myself. so i sent her this text. "I care about weed but i care about you more. Im going to stop using weed in all forms for you, i dont want to get baked when i feel like this." I did not recieve a responce. A few days later i found this site(cousincouples.com) and i was still feeling completely heartbroken that i blocked her and told her i didnt want to speak to her again. my emotions are driving me crazy and hurting me physically/mentally so i decided to text her but my texts are being rewriten by themselvs after i send them idk why. so i messaged her on facebook instead. she still did not accept my friend request. so i knew something was up. I then messaged her this "ive been thinking about all of this constantly. i literally cant stop thinking about this and you at all, it hurts so much. when i read your blog i freaked out then panicked when i thought you were an alcoholic. i want to always be able to talk to you. im so so so sorry for blocking you and telling you i didnt want to speak to you again, that was literally the exact opposite of what i wanted to do. i really wanted to talk to you about it but i was extremely afraid and panicking so i did the opposite. im so so so sorry for how this made you feel. can you please forgive me? i cant imagine what i would do with my self if i lost you, i want you to know that i would NEVER abandon you and i dont EVER want to lose the bond/friendship we have for eachother. i love you so much <3 <3 <3" She replied "I need time and space to be alone and focus on my own stuff right now." I said "understandable, how long might you need?" Now i didnt expect her to respond to that. Then she said "I don't know". I went to respond with "alright" 46mins later but when i sent the message it didnt go through because she blocked me. Im assuming she really needs time to think. its a lot to take in and im definately respecting her space and they way she feels. also she probably has a ton of school work on top of this. She comes home for christmas vacation in almost 3 weeks. im hoping we can have this sorted out by christmas but its not a simple situation. When she comes home i want to ask her if we could go for a long walk on the beach and cuddle. i was also thinking of buying her a pair of cat ears. I dont want presents for christmas, i just want her. i need her, i feel so lonely and empty inside with out her. i dont want to be with a stranger i dont truely love. I just want to be happy.