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Tom182 last won the day on July 30 2016

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  1. Thanks for the feedback guys. It's reassuring to know that I shouldn't feel guility about the whole boyfriend situation. I do want closure and to just get it over and done with regardless of how she answers. You're right in saying it's not good for anyone to bottle something like this up for so long. I agree that the whole "I love you" is overkill even though I wouldn't be lying. I've thought it over many times on what would be better phrasing to use. Maybe just a simple: "I have feelings for you." We're going away in the summer. I'll be glad once I've said it. I don't even know how I've managed to go this long without saying something. It most likely wouldn't have got this bad if I told her sooner but better very late than never I suppose.
  2. Hi everyone. It's been a fair while since I last posted on here and I didn't think I would return but here I am. I would really appreciate the feedback as this is the only place I feel comfortable talking about this. I need to get it off my chest. Here is some backstory. I have been going on holiday each year since 2010 (except for last year due to their career commitments) with my two female cousins and their parents and my parents. I am 25 and she is 24. Ever since I met them from the first holiday, (I've known them since I was little but I don't remember any of it) I instantly had a crush on the younger cousin and since then with every holiday and going round their house now and then my feelings towards her have intensified. I have never felt this strongly towards any other girl in my life. Period. I was under the impression (although I could have been reading her wrong) that during these holidays she did feel something towards me. I could make her smile and laugh easily, there was a lot of physical contact, playing with her hair, long eye contact etc. Again, this is just something I picked up on and does not signify anything absolute. Nevertheless, I always think about those moments. I typed out a long word document on what I would say to her (obviously I would never show her that) but I just use it as a guideline to how much she means to me and how much I care for her. I don't tend to look at it a lot as it makes me feel sad (I have been trying to move on) I digress, sorry if I'm rambling on here. I'll get to the point. Initially, I wasn't going to even contemplate saying anything when we go away in the summer this year because she was bringing her boyfriend along (she has been seeing for over a year) but I was told recently she decided against bringing him for whatever reason. Leads me to my next point. Now I know she is in a relationship and it would be out of order but if I could be allowed to be selfish for a moment I really want closure after several years. I love her so much. Everyday I wake up she's on my mind without fail. Yeah, there's a chance she might hate me and it could be awkward but on the other hand she is the most kind and beautiful girl I know, inside and out and I'm positive she feels something for me and she'll understand and not hate my guts. I can't bottle this up for another year. I might have to drink a few to give me some confidence but if there's ever a moment where it's just me and her alone during the holiday I might just end up saying it. We're getting older so we may well stop going away together real soon. Am I in the wrong here? Over and over I visualise in my head *that* moment when I tell her. Just three words. It's a mighty big three words but there's nobody more deserving than her.
  3. It's all I can do. I've been avoiding looking at social media completely. Not like it prevents me from thinking about her. Then him with her. How I'll have potentially two weeks of seeing them together on holiday (unless they break up but she is really into him, apprantely) I am overthinking it but this is what happens when you get stuck on the same person for six years. Large amounts of alcohol consumption isn't much of a plan but it can help block out the sadness when I'm over there and will help me forget temporarily. What else can I do? I can't say anything to her. I wish I could forget believe me. Before I used to feel happy thinking about her but now it just makes me depressed.
  4. Hey everyone Not posted here for a while. I hope you are all well. So there was no family holiday this year (we've been going on them with my cousins and their parents since 2010) due to work and higher education commitments. But I heard some fantastic news recently that we will definitely be going away next year. Even if it is a long way off right now it made me excited and happy. I should have told her how I felt the first time I fell for her in 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 etc you get the picture. All these holidays I had the opportunity but evidently not in the balls department. As I am told we are going away I start to contemplate how I'll tell her, the mind has already gone into overdrive. 2017 will be THE year I tell myself (heard that one before but I meant it this time) and then it arrived. It felt like someone had punched me into oblivion and ripped out the heart from my chest. As my dad said the words: "She wants to take the boyfriend with her." Well. Could have done without that on a family holiday. This changes everything. The one occasion where I could tell her face to face. Just us two away from the rest. But now I cannot. I'm already dreading sitting there awkwardly as they make out or whatever and it will show because despite how much I try to suppress my emotions it is going to be painful and it will be written all over my face. I wear my heart on my sleeve. But fortunately I think if I get drunk enough each night it will get me though it and hide how I really feel. Alcohol is wonderful for that scenario. I might even end up really liking the guy. Apprantely he's into gaming a lot (like me but he doesn't like any sport) but it doesn't change it's just going to feel weird but I wouldn't create any hostility or needless drama. I wouldn't want to upset her or create a toxic environment that ruins the holiday. It just sucks playing the waiting game and nothing is seeming to pay off. Although it never should have taken this long. I could and should have told her years and years ago. If there is a God he is mocking me right now or teaching me a lesson. I always look forward to seeing her at the airport each year after so many months. I get nervous but it's a great feeling nonetheless. Even at the end of a holiday it is bittersweet but next year I'm going to have her walk up to us in the arms of another man and I don't want to think about how much that will hurt. But I don't dislike or hate the guy. EDIT: Posted this in the wrong section and unsure how to delete. If a mod could move it to help/advice I would appreciate it. Thank you.
  5. Tom182

    I'm really scared

    Serendipity is right. There will always be those that think differently to the way you do and have different opinions. If you love this person then you have nothing to fear. Do what makes you happy and don't live your life for others. I know that can be difficult but you should be proud of finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. If others can't accept that who's loss is it really?
  6. Thanks for the helpful advice LadyC. I completely understand what you are saying, it's just when I get stuck on someone it takes what seems like a lifetime to get over them. The only change this time round is that I am related to the person so it makes it that much more difficult (or at least it feels that way to me) I'm only 24 but any girl I meet now I would subconsciously be comparing them to my cousin. It's petty but I don't think my heart would be in it and it wouldn't be fair to that person. But I can't go on punishing myself for this. I really am at a loss at what to do here. I am hopeful, but I'm aware that hope can also be dangerous. I have been in this situation many times before. I don't open up my heart much to anyone and when I do it takes forever for it to happen again. It's already been six years but the feeling wasn't as strong as it is now. I want to think there could be someone else and perhaps there is perhaps not but she's so ingrained in my mind I just can't think that way at the moment. I feel like I am in limbo pulled between two extremes
  7. That is a beautiful story Artie and thank you for the well wishes I can only hope mine has an outcome as fulfilling as that. I'm aware of the predictable family reaction but I am going to finally tell my mum this week at least. At first I felt guilt but after six years it comes down to do you really love this person? Yes I clearly do, and that is all that matters. I don't care what others think. She is currently in a relationship though so admittedly I am heartbroken. I should have told her years ago but I'm hoping I will get another chance. Tried forgetting her but I can't. It's impossible and I don't want to forget. I still love her. Even if I wanted to, how could I? She is still family. She'll always mean a lot. I would never discard her like she meant nothing. All valid points LadyC. I really want her to be the right person. She is in my eyes and in my heart. Sorry if I sound selfish. I know it needs to work both ways.
  8. I'm throwing this question out there because I had been in love about three times prior to falling heavily for my cousin the past six years and I have never known anything as strong within me currently. This will sound cruel but I think back to the other girls I liked and think to myself: "How was I stuck on her for so long?" It was her birthday yesterday and I sent her a funny GIF message on Facebook (not your standard boring happy birthday) and she liked it and gave back a nice comment which just made me feel so happy I shouldn't be this head over heels for her but I feel powerless and I embrace it. I'm assuming you too have felt this sensation at one stage. I visualise kissing her and my heart skips a beat. I'm really envious of those of you who have had success with winning your cousins affection. I want that more than anything she means everything to me One day she will know.
  9. Sorry to bump this but I just wanted to say I know it's difficult but you need to take that leap of faith. Otherwise you'll heavily regret it years down the line. Trust me on it. I don't think there really is an ideal time but if you can get her face to face alone you won't get a better chance. Best of luck to you.
  10. I have been battling depression for a number of years so loving myself isn't always easy although I do try and have good days. I'll have to bite the bullet and message her with a short message because I can't go on like this. I have to be selfish after six years of doing nothing. I don't think she would do something so cold like that. She is a very nice person and if anything I doubt she would ever bring up the subject of her BF around me after I tell her as that would just get me down again. Hopefully it won't come to keeping her out of my life but if it comes to that, I'll do it. Done it for others in the past and it helped the healing process. I'm not going to apologize for how I feel though. I refuse to be shamed for it. I need closure.
  11. Why do I keep doing this to myself... Opened up instagram and the first post that pops up from hours and hours ago is her working on her dissertation and there's a mug on her desk that says "I kissy-faceing love you." Probably from her BF (mug had the f word hence the site alteration) Never felt heartbreak like this before. Without resorting to vulgar language it sucks and it hurts an awful lot. Wish I could confide my true feelings to her. Jimmy Eat World's "If You Don't, Don't" said it best: (and what I find relatable) We once walked out on the beach and once I almost touched your hand. Oh how I dreamed to finally say such things. Then only to pretend. On my life I'll try today. Theres so much I've felt I should say. But even if your heart would listen, I doubt I could explain. That last line is completely me in a nutshell. I don't know how to express how I feel. She's a part of my family yet I clearly love her more than that. How on earth do you convey that
  12. Never thought about it that way. I speak to her sister online and find her easy to talk to but not her really. I don't know what to say. I guess I'm shy and I would feel like I'm intruding in her personal life if I asked about her boyfriend. Her birthday is on Sunday so I can send her a nice message on Facebook at least. Nothing unusual about that. Kitten, sorry to sound like a child but I don't know if I could take her cutting me off completely. Sorry to hear your own situation has not gone well. Life can be a real pain in the arse and in the heart at times. Really appreciate the replies. Even on the internet it's tricky finding a place to be open on a subject like this.
  13. I don't expect her to feel the same way. Well, I'm not 100% sure because at one stage a few years ago I got the impression she was into me and had feelings but I never acted on it. It's been a while since then. But at least I could move on regardless and I wouldn't have to think about this every day. Just frustrating that I am waiting for the right moment but as they say, I don't think there ever is a "right moment."
  14. Oh, I should have elaborated in my opening post. She is currently in a relationship and has been for sometime. Stumbling across a picture with her boyfriend on social media made me feel heartbroken to be honest. Petty perhaps, I couldn't help it. I thought he's really lucky because I've never felt happier than spending time with her and he gets to know that feeling a lot of the time. I always felt something like going down the quick text message wouldn't be right. "Hi, hope you're well and by the way I love you." Never going to happen. I actually typed out a long and well written document on word but it's more a template on what I was going to say to her face to face. But god knows how long it will be until it's just us two alone again and the fact she is with someone else just makes me feel like I can't say anything right now. I don't want to step on anyone's toes. It's just a horrible state of mind to be in. I want to say something just so I can stop carrying this weight on my shoulders but at the same time I have to respect her too. I would never want to see her not happy. I'm in a state of limbo. Being in love is a blessing and a curse right now.
  15. I'm just wondering as it appears most have and are past that stage. I know you shouldn't always rush into these situations but I just have this feeling of dread and despair that I waited too long (six years) and now I've missed my opportunity for life and it really hurts as I'm never going to love another like this. Yeah, I know that's not entirely realistic but it's how I've felt for a while and it's not going away. Everytime I go to sleep and everytime I wake up I think about the what ifs and the maybe's and it frankly drives me up the wall. If anyone is still on the fence or scared about will happen or how he/she will react or potential affects it can have on the rest of your family, just ignore those feelings. You need to be selfish just for a moment. I know it can be difficult but just go for it. Letting it just sit there and build up more and more and get bottled up is the worst. Take the leap of faith and no matter what happens at least you can tell yourself you had the bravery and went for it. That will always be admired by another. I hope this helps someone out there reading this. I just felt like getting this off my chest.
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