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About Mloclam

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  1. I see that this is an older post, but I really appreciate your work. I sense much of the same sincerity in your words that I feel towards my cousin. Fate is fickle; another life, perhaps?
  2. Thank you for sharing. Your story gives me hope that someday I will have the same opportunity that you did to share my life and love with the woman I was meant for!
  3. This was my first real attempt at honesty with myself :embarrassed: . This has been my deep, dark secret for as long as I can remember and one night I finally broke down and wrote everything that came into my head. It helped jar loose some thoughts and emotions I had been bottling up and was very therapeutic for me. I have been tremendously relieved to be able to share the honest stories that others have posted and if this helps even one person feel less alone, I will have done my part. I've felt it forever. There is a part of me, as loud and destructive as it is silent and buried. An underground explosion wreaking untold damage to a tender but resilient soul. The original, concealed for a lifetime though never forgotten. A counterfeit, albeit masterful, doesn't replace but merely rests, comfortable and unsuspecting, in the void that can only be filled by a return of the authentic. Fondness for the unreal ebbing inconsistently and fading as the genuine is restored. Dormant, the truth has been. Fleeting is the realization before retreating again below the surface. You are a treasure to me. The most volatile and precious of treasures. A treasure that is not meant to be abused or enjoyed too quickly. We were children. What chance did we have? How could we have known? A lifetime of stolen glances and timid touches. Brushes, not more than the tip of a finger resting just a moment too long to not notice. Others were more voracious and assertive with their affections but could never hope to be as sincere. You are too precious to enjoy quickly. You are too important to be gambled all at once. You are too risky to reach for and as unknowable as my own heart. How could I measure or hope to predict what I have no frame of reference for? How could I have known that life is not worth living without you? I live, safe for a time, with the delusion that I am to you what you are to me. I live sustained only by the image of us together after a lifetime of desperation. I would hold you in my arms but also in my heart above all things as I hope against hope that you would for me. The world around us may crumble and decay and I will look only to you. Food turns to coal as it passes my lips and lodges in my throat as if my heart means to prove that there is no room in me for anything else. This is the future I fear for myself, but so true is my love that I would wait, if necessary, another life time to gaze into your eyes, deep and full of joy and love and kindness, and know that you are mine. I would, so true is my love, be content to watch you live in another's arms if it would bring you the happiness I imagine we could bring each other. So true is my love that I hope you do not love me the way I love you because it hurts so deeply to be apart. The fire in my veins at the thought of you will not subside and finds its way to light through my eyes. It cannot be controlled except by drowning with salty tears and then only for a time. If you find solace in another's arms and another's heart, I thank him for providing you the life I so desperately wish I could give you. It has been too long. I cannot continue down this path. I cannot continue to build a fictional world that I must eventually destroy when the time comes to fulfill what I can only assume is God's plan for us. For better or worse, the time is coming when I will reveal the truth. The truth I have tried to keep hidden, with apparent success, for all but the briefest moments of our lives. The explosions beneath the surface are causing tremors, threatening to erupt in a molten torrent of turmoil.
  4. Thank you very much. :grin: I put a lot of thought and effort into it, but it was the inspiration that set me in motion. I couldn't have done it without my muse.
  5. I wrote this after I saw my cousin recently and I began thinking about the nature of fate and physicality. I landed on palmistry and wrote this about the dichotomy of reality and fiction; what is written and what actually exists. Feel free to comment or offer artistic insight. Observe the hand and hold in eye The canyon, crag and crooked line. The truth behind a jagged lie A close inspection could divine. A modicum of future sight; Cartographic time contingency. A glimpse of self, however slight Carved bereft of crucial stringency Forsooth the toll of time is took As life by flesh is tightly tethered. While one adopts the other's look So flesh by living soon is leathered. Heart over head with life and fate Sketching a scar scape across fiction, Contorting back to illustrate Body and mind in contradiction The Palm must flex against the breeze Or else tempt the tempest's treachery. So too our tempered palms must seize A fugitive possibility. So it is said that time will tell And all that must shall be discovered. The die is cast for ill or well One path from two will be dissevered. Not a drop of the author's ink Will change for what the character feels. Through scribbles though, the two are linked One is falsehood, but the other's real.
  6. I am learning the hard way that the advice you get here will not always be comforting, but it will be in the best interests of your emotional and mental health. Try to listen with an open mind and realize that the world we live in is not all rainbows and butterflies. I am having a difficult time as well, but the decisions I have made are mine and mine alone. I have to live with that the same way everyone else does, but the experience available on this site is invaluable. The best advice I can give is to be patient and try to work on understanding your own feelings before you try to understand anyone else's. If you have concerns you would like to share with me privately I will lend an ear and try to offer you guidance without judgement.
  7. Serendipity, Thank you for taking the time to respond and provide your valuable insight. There are a few points I agree with you on and a few points that I feel need to be corrected. I have been faithful to my wife for six years. I cheated on her when I was 16 after we had been dating for six months. I do not fantasize about other women except for my cousin. I haven't talked to my cousin in more than a year (not since my wedding in July 2014) in an effort to quell these feelings. I am not close, fearfully or otherwise, to being unfaithful to my wife although after having been able to express my thoughts about my situation on this forum, I believe it may be time to come to grips with the reality of my feelings and separate from her, at least romantically. I agree I may be romanticizing my cousin in my mind partially because of the state of my marriage, but I also believe that we are perfect for each other even though I truly wish I could preserve my current relationships. It would be considerably less emotionally taxing if I could simply choose to be happy. I thought that's what I was doing when I married my wife, but it didn't work out that way. I sincerely thought that my feelings towards my cousin could be attributed to infatuation or a simple crush. Here I am, twenty years later, even deeper than ever. I love her so much that I'm willing to let her be happy in her own life without involving myself, but I can't continue to string my wife along after seven years (which is how long we've been together total, five years of which we've spent living together). Thank you for your input, I believe you did outline the correct course of action, but I also believe that I have already pursued that path without success. I do still love my wife, but in the way that I wish I lived my cousin. I imagine her with other men and I'm happy that she has found someone. When we are out and we meet someone that I think would be a good fit for her and I imagine him at my family reunions with her, sitting across the table from me. He's making her laugh and I don't get jealous like I thought I might. Instead I feel warm inside because she is happy. I think about staying with her and I feel sad for her being stuck with me. I will take your advice and wait. I will not contact my cousin (since that is how our relationship has been up until this point) and see if anything changes since I have now for the first time in my life, written down my honest feelings. I will keep my feelings to myself for the time being (I want everyone to have a few more good Christmas memories at least) and see if I feel differently in the new year. Patience is the name of the game. I will have to be patient with myself in understanding my emotions. I will have to be patient with my cousin while she determines what it really is that she wants from her life and from me. I will have to be patient while my wife processes her emotions when it comes time to tell her what I have told you. I will have to be patient while my family comes to terms with my situation, if they can at all. I feel like I have wasted so much time already and that my window is quickly closing if this situation is to reach any kind of resolution, but I know that I will need patience. Thank you again for taking the time to respond. I will continue to seek your help and advice as I am making this transition if you will continue to offer it.
  8. Kitten, Thank you for your response. You brought up an excellent point. I honestly don't know my cousin as well as I would like. I only see her once a year or so, but it is usually for a week or two at a time. I have been around her in public and private enough to love the person I know but our interactions are generally around our family, and who really behaves around their family the way they do around their friends? It does make me question who she really is because I am beginning to know myself better and I'm net even the person I thought I was. I'm trying hard now to be that person. I feel so strongly when I see her that it is hard to keep a clear head. So I am glad now to have an opportunity to hash out this situation.
  9. LadyC Thank you again for the heartfelt advice. Having the opportunity and environment to express these thoughts and feelings has given me some much needed clarity and room inside my own head to think. You have only reinforced the conclusions I had already begun to draw for myself, but the taste in my mouth is no less bitter. I see the path laid out before me and I see the obstacles blocking it. I will have to overcome my personal issues before I can be the man my cousin deserves. I have to be honest with my wife so that she can live the life and find the love that she deserves. I plan to continue the relationship I have with my cousin without imposing any undue burdens on her, and I will make choices that she would be proud of so that if we are meant to be together, there will be nothing to keep us apart. My family and my wife have a strong relationship as well and I do not want to alienate them or her. As I mentioned, I do have real love for my wife, but it is becoming increasingly platonic. I realize these are details, and the question now is not what to do, but how to do it in such a way so as to cause as little pain as possible to anyone I can. I have been unhappy for most of my life and the little joy I am able to achieve is by bringing joy to others. That is how I wound up married to my wife; I didn't have the strength to break her heart, but chose instead to break my own. That did bring me comfort for some time, but in retrospect I see that I was not honest with myself, so I couldn't be honest with her. Obviously a relationship built around dishonesty, intentional or not, is destined to crumble. She loves me and my family very much, and what can I say, we're a pretty likable bunch most of the time. I think she is a wonderful human being and I still consider her a part of my family, no matter what happens. My goal is to keep the relationship between my wife and family amiable. The analogy that comes to mind for me now is of a broken leg. My relationship status right now is the leg. If I don't fix it, I will never walk again. If I set the bone and just let it heal, I may never run again. My goal, and I recognize that it will be an uphill battle, is to set the bone and wrap a cast around it so that it is as close to healed as possible with as little pain as possible. Any insight into how I could approach my wife and family about this issue to preserve some semblance of civility would be much appreciated. I realize this may reach beyond the scope of advice that is generally given on this site, but you have been an effective sounding board for helping me understanding my own situation. I see that this has regressed from advice about the situation between me and my cousin to advice on how to resolve a deeper personal issue, and I appreciate you sticking with me this far. This is the first life I've lived and I've certainly never been in a situation like this before. Again, thank you for taking the time to consider this with me. If anyone has personal experience with this type of situation, I'd love to hear what your solution was and how it turned out for you.
  10. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I know that you are right in saying that I need to be honest. I know that she has a right to decide if she will stay or go, but there are a few more important detail that I left out regarding my cousin's situation that may influence the sutuation pretty significantly. I have not revealed my feelings to my cousin yet, although it's hard to imagine that she feels differently or fails to recognize my attachment. She has been in a relationship with another man for about three years, and although they are not married, they too have a substantial investment in their relationship. When we were children, our other cousins would often exclude us from activities and games because we were the youngest. Because of this, we developed a closeness that none of our cousins shared. After a few years, it developed to the point that I, as a child with little understanding of world matters and societal opinion, asked her to be my wife. She said yes and for a long time we pretended we were. Time moved on, we, or possibly just I, began to feel awkward about the "game" even though I desperately wished it were real. She frequently brings it up in a tone that is either joking or as cleverly disguised as joking as my own tone on the subject. We joke about it a lot, but if she is like me, then we're not really joking... In spite of both of our serious relationships, she is just as flirtatious now as she always has been, and generally instigates our encounters. Recently I have given up hope of falling out of love with her, but I am unwilling to sacrifice her happiness, no matter the cost. It is out of love for my cousin and fear of disrupting her happiness that I have not disclosed my affection. I have been struggling with whether or not to bring up the issue at all to anyone. I suppose my real dilemma is whether I should risk her happiness to potentially fulfil both of our life purposes, or keep my licentious mouth shut and let everyone else continue to believe I am happy with the life I have, which I am not. My wife will be hurt. I see that there is no way around that, whether I stay and become distant or leave and find true happiness (which still seems to be a total craps shoot). I firmly believe that my cousin deserves to know that she is cared for as deeply as I care for her, but if I tell her and she does not reciprocate, should I still tell my wife? I also believe my wife deserves the opportunity to find someone who loves her like I love my cousin. I act like I love her that way, but every time we kiss, I close my eyes and see my cousin and feel her lips on mine and imagine brushing her hair from her neck. If I tell my wife first, and then tell my cousin who doesn't return my feelings, is it worth hurting my wife? I care about both of these women more than I care about myself, although I feel real, deep, unprecedented emotion with my cousin and I feel little more than emptiness with my wife. It's as if my wife is my platonic cousin, and my cousin is meant to be my wife. The question is not who deserves to know, the question is who should I talk to first to cause as little pain to anyone as possible. I am in pain and have lived through these scenarios in my mind already, but my perspective, as broad as I try to make it, is still only my perspective. I am not concerned for myself, and have accepted already that I may not get an opportunity in this lifetime, but I'm trying to make it work. Thank you again for taking the time to read and share this burden with me. No matter the conclusion, I have felt love more deeply than I could ever have hoped and I know I am stronger for the experience. Being able to express myself in this safe place has been a tremendous blessing for me. Sincerely, thank you.
  11. Thank you to everyone who has shared your wonderful stories. I know that not all of these work out, and mine is a long way from it, but having this type of community for support is life saving for me right now. Sincerely. Thank you. I am 23m and my 2nd cousin is 23f. I have loved her deeply and sincerely our whole lives even though we live hundreds of miles apart and average about one visit per year (or fewer). As I'm reading more into other's experiences, I'm learning that my conditioned "ick" response is fairly standard. My family would probably have been pretty accepting, but I was afraid not only of their opinions, but primarily of my cousin's. I couldn't ask her to put herself in that position for me, and worse still, what if she does not reciprocate my feelings and we lose the connection we have? As much as I love her, I could not bear to lose her from my life. I tried very hard to move on and I want more than anything in the world for her to be happy, even if it means that I have to spend a lifetime apart from her. So, because I was too afraid to face my childish fears (after all I WAS a child) I tried to fill the space in my heart with a string of too-serious relationships in highschool culminating in my marriage to my highschool sweetheart. I got married when I was 21 to a woman who is smart, dedicated, loving, beautiful, loyal and, above all, supportive. I love her and I feel honored that she would choose me to spend her life with. She is essentially the perfecf woman, but as time goes on and I continue to feel so painfully, hopelessly in love with my cousin, I feel it isn't fair to my wife to continue our marriage. That being said, we do not yet have children to complicate the issue but we have built a substantial life together in the time we've had. Apparently I have a few desirable qualities, though I fail to see them in myself most days, and my wife is happy. She deserves to be happy. I cheated on her once before we were married but told her after a week of anxiety and a guilt trip from the other girl. I was truly repentant and when I saw how much pain I put her through, I changed and I swear I have and will be faithful ever since. She forgave me after some time but, in retrospect, after feeling this love for my cousin, I realize that I have been in this relationship for the wrong reasons. I live in fear of hurting someone who is so good, not because I love her but because she deserves to have what she wants, which for some reason is me. The conflicts are numerous but if it weren't for my cousin I could live contently, albeit with minimal passion. My concern is not for myself, at least not entirely. My heart aches and I can barely eat or sleep (which is how I found myself here at 1:30 am). I cry four or five times every day because I think about how happy she makes me and how slim the chances are of being with the person I can only assume God put on this planet to love and be loved by me. My concern is that if I feel as strongly as I do in my situation, if I hurt so deeply to be away from the woman I love, if I cry four times a day when I have a beautiful home, loving wife and many friends and family, how can I justify leaving her in that position if she feels the same way about me? Don't I have an obligation and a duty to be there for her if she hurts as bad as I do and I have the power to heal her? It's not fair to any of us. Now that I know what I've lost and how I have to live my life because of the choices I've made, I am desperate to find a way to make all of this right. I believe the only way I will feel complete is to be with the other half of my soul. I can see it when I look in her eyes. I feel like I missed the boat, but I'd probably sink it now as heavy as I am with regret...
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