Hi everyone. I'd like to say thanks to all those who have contributed to make this site. Reading everyone's stories has definitely helped me get my head together.
I'm 32 and when I was 13 my uncle died. I only saw him, my auntie and three cousins once or twice a year but they were the best holidays. I was close to my uncle even though our time together was short. My Dad was very strict, in the RAF for twenty years and we never got on. My Uncle, Dads brother, seemed to be the the good twin and my Dad the evil one. My Uncle was a role model, charismatic, funny, loving and all the things my Dad wasn't. When he died it destroyed me and I went into shock.
Ever since I've struggled with life, battling addiction and depression. It was two years ago this all changed when I received undeniable proof that my Uncle was still with me in spirit. When I realised this I saw that I had never actually been able to grieve. In fact emotionally I hadn't been able to feel anything since he died. The pain of losing him was so great I'd just shut down.
Over the last couple of years I have been on a journey of healing and can finally say I'm free of addiction and depression.
A few weeks ago my cousin came to visit my family. Normally I don't bother going to my family meals because I'm so different to them it's a lot of effort to make an appearance, but some thing told me to go. It'd been 17ys since I'd seen my cuz.
Before the meal I got a chance to chat to her and as far as a friendly conversation goes, it was awesome. We had so much in common it was almost spooky, so we really hit it off.
During the meal I was pretty quiet, and after too. I was hoping for another chance just to chat with my cuz.
Fortunately my parents retired early and left us kids to it, my bro, his Mrs, me and my cuz. I was sat on the sofa and she came and sat next to me and started tapping my thigh. I didn't think anything of it, and when my bro and his Mrs left my cuz sat next to me and leaned her head on my shoulder. We chatted for hours before I left her to get some sleep.
I saw her for a minute the next day. We added each other on Facebook and promised to meet up again. Well, we were messaging each other everyday and within a week she came up north for a day and we met up and drank a lot of coffee and shared a meal.
Now my cousin is good looking and flirty with me but I didn't think anything of it, at the end of the day she's a cousin! Yet the connection we have is amazing, and at the end of the day she hugged me so hard and for so long that as she walked away I felt an emptiness consume me. Since then I can't get her out of my head, I've never loved anyone like this. It's as though God has led me to my soul mate or twin flame, but there's a catch. She my first cousin.
I've tried to ignore how I feel but it's impossible. Since we met she's told me she loves me, that I'm gorgeous, magnetic and just about every compliment you can think of. She asked me to send her a photo of me smiling and despite this and some flirty comments I figured there's no way she would entertain the idea of a relationship.
Yet she got jealous when I said something about my ex and didn't talk to me for three days.
When she did the kisses were gone and she went pretty cold. Now I'm as clueless as they come when it comes to women but even I'm thinking maybe she feels more than just family love. So as an experiment, with nothing to lose I started texting her like I was trying to score a date with the most beautiful woman in the world. I slated my ex just to make sure she knew that path was dead and seriously turned on the charm. She warmed up instantly, the kisses, flirting and long messages came back.
She mentioned a play she wanted to see so I offered to take her. She got back to me saying that would be great and said I'd stay with her and we'd plan loads of cool stuff to do.
That's where I'm at now, waiting to see her and see how it goes. Part of me thinks she feels the same way about me and the other part thinks I'm an absolute idiot that has misread every signal from her and I'm destined to make a fool of myself.
I'm thankful there are so many positive stories on here because it really has made me feel a lot better about how I feel. Still, I've never been so nervous in my life. Words just cannot describe how much I love this girl. I'm 6'4 and she's about 5'2" yet when I'm with her she makes me feel safe!
Well thanks for letting me vent, it's been a nightmare having this all in my head with no one to talk to!