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MissPrice

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MissPrice last won the day on September 29 2018

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  1. It's too bad that your mom is being so closed-minded. It sounds like you have a good plan for handling the situation though, and I doubt you'll lose your family over this. There might be some distance for awhile with specific people, but there's a very good chance they'll learn to accept it over time when they realize they can't change it, and it's not a bad thing. Good luck!
  2. That's a tough situation. I haven't been there, but I've often thought that if my cousin (first cousin, now husband) and I had gotten together when we were younger/ when I was still financially dependent on my dad in college, he would have totally freaked out. The way it went for us, I was 28, financially independent, and living in a different state. I'd had feelings for my cousin forever, but it never occurred to me that a relationship was possible until then. My dad wasn't thrilled when I first told him, but he also knew that he didn't get a say, and he'd had several years to deal with me being an adult and making decisions he didn't always agree with. You are absolutely right that you should get to decide who you want to be in a relationship with. Being an adult who is financially dependent on a parent is tough for lots of reasons though, and this is a big one. You shouldn't have to hide this from your mom, but if she's going to threaten your living situation and/or education because of it, it's probably the best option you have right now, and I'm sorry about that. Do you have a sense of why she was so freaked out? She's your mom, so she loves you, and she thinks she's protecting you from making a bad decision. So why does she think it's a bad decision? For example, if she's worried about genetic issues with her future grandkids, you could show her the science that the increased risk of birth defects is extremely small. It doesn't matter if you think you'll want kids or not, since it's just about her fears at this point. Like I said, my dad wasn't thrilled when I told him, but over time, he saw how happy I was, and how great we were together, and I talked to him about the reality of the genetic risks to his grandkids and explained that we were consulting doctors and being responsible about it. By the time we got married, about a year and a half after we got together, he was completely over his initial hesitations. I think most parents do, because in the end, what they want is to see is that their kid is having a good life. I bet your mom will too, but as long as you're financially dependent on her, that complicates things. She thinks she still gets to direct part of your future, and it sounds like she's ready to use whatever leverage she has to do it. She's put you in a bind, and while her intentions are probably good, it doesn't leave you with a lot of options. Good luck!
  3. That must be very frustrating for you, I get that. Do keep in mind though that she's pregnant and working. Also, it's possible you overwhelmed her with the gifts. It's a beautiful gesture, but she may feel awkward about accepting them. She may be unsure what your expectations are, and not in a position emotionally to engage with you, and craving pickles on ice cream with potato chips, and having hot flashes, and terrified of being a mother. My point is just that she has an awful lot going on right now, you know? After the father of her unborn child left her, she might distrust men in general, or she might not want to look at any man romantically, or any of a number of things. What's highly likely is that she doesn't have a lot of time for other people's thoughts and feelings (and she's probably not in the mood for surprises either). I can't imagine anyone who would in that situation. The best you can do is help where she lets you and be there when and if she wants you. It's hard to argue that she's using you, since she didn't ask, you offered. And I do get that it's really tough for you, and that you want so much to be a part of her life and to help her. I spent years watching my cousin with women who didn't value him, who took advantage of him, and didn't even notice his best qualities. It drove me up the wall. At one point, he was getting divorced, and was losing his house (that he and his wife had bought, and then she picked up and left him with the mortgage eight months later). I wanted so badly to fix it for him, and I couldn't. At the time, I was living two states away, and engaged. Point is, I really do understand how tough it is to not be right next to a person you love when they are going through a difficult time. But if you really want to be the better man in her life, all you can do is offer her your support (emotional support is more what I'm talking about than gifts), and then let her decide what she wants to do with that. Good luck!
  4. Just a friendly outside perspective here, but it kinda sounds like you are pushing too hard. The last time you posted, the plan was that you would go see her and talk to her in person once you were over the flu. You still haven't seen her in person, correct? In the last message you sent her, you talk about "the promise you both made", but it's unclear to me from what you've said when she promised you anything. Also, it's great that you want to help her and her baby out, but she doesn't owe you for that. If you do think she does, it wasn't a gift. Had I had the opportunity, I would have advised you against sending that last message. You had already made your move, that puts the ball in her court.
  5. I agree with all of that. If someone is looking for a fling, or a fun summer, or some drama (yuck), looking for any of that with a cousin is a terrible idea. Not every relationship can (or should) turn into something serious, but a relationship with a cousin is serious from the moment it starts, whether or not that's the plan. A cousin is a connection no matter what. and if someone gets hurt and the romantic relationship is over, that familial bond still exists. That's a lifetime of possible pain and awkward encounters. It's my opinion that anyone who wants a relationship with a cousin needs to be willing to give that relationship their all, and be mature enough to recognize what a real relationship (as opposed to a fantasy or dream of a relationship) is like. Otherwise, the potential pitfalls make it not worth the risk. I knew I had a thing for my cousin years before I said anything. I needed to know how serious my own feelings were, and that they were real, and to be in a situation to make things work if he felt the same (which I didn't think he would, I just decided I needed to tell him anyway). I think that was the right choice, and I encourage anyone in a similar situation to do some serious soul searching before starting something that isn't simple or easy to back out of. As a side note, it took a long time for me to say something to my cousin, but when I did, and when he felt the same, that was it. There was no question for either of us that we'd do whatever we needed to do to be together for the rest of our lives. That, I think, is part of what can make a cousin relationship so special. If you do it right, that cousin dynamic morphing into something deeper, something built on a pre-existing affection and knowledge of each other, the trust and intimacy can be exceptional.
  6. She mentions that she wants to see you twice in a short conversation, she doesn't want you to buy her anything specifically (i.e., clearly not just interested in what you can do for her), and she says "I love you" first. Those are all good signs; she is clearly very fond of you. Definitely don't delay going to see her once you are feeling better! It sounds like she's in a tough situation, and that she wants you close. Whether or not she ever loves you the way you want, if you love her, you should absolutely be there for her. Keep us updated!
  7. If you are there for her and her child, she will get the message, even if you don't tell her directly. Good luck!
  8. If you are as serious about your cousin as it sounds like you are, and you are both currently single, you should speak up! We don't get many chances in life to be truly happy with someone, and if you think that highly of her, and are willing to commit yourself to her like that, then she has the right to know that someone loves her like that, and you have the right to give yourself a chance at that dream. I carried a secret torch for my cousin from childhood, but never thought he would return those feelings. I was 29 when I finally told him, and he kissed me. We got married last spring. We've had to deal with some very difficult things since we got together, but what's never been hard is us. Being together is what gives us both strength and meaning. I spent years trying to tell myself that my feelings for him were a fantasy, that I wanted him because I couldn't have him, etc. That wasn't true. When you find the right person, you know. Don't let her slip away and be less happy with someone who cares about her happiness less because you are too afraid to take a chance.
  9. I'm a little confused by your story 1) you two are dating, but you've never actually met? ("I haven't met him in person yet, but I plan to very soon.") 2) He's already broken up with you twice, once getting together with someone else immediately afterwards?, and 3) You are both 18, correct? Assuming I got all three of those things right, this doesn't sound like a serious thing. Maybe meet him before you start talking about forever, in any context.
  10. Yes, fixed! Thank you both!
  11. Someone send me a PM or like one of my posts so I have a notification and I'll tell you.
  12. Thanks for all your work on this, we appreciate it a lot!
  13. I can't check my notifications on my phone now. When I click on the triple bar, the screen grays out like it's trying to load, but nothing happens.
  14. My partner/cousin was really reluctant to tell his closest (male) friend when we got together. Eventually he felt like he needed to, because he was driving two hours to see me on the weekends, and wasn't available to hang out like he was before. He was pretty sure his friend wouldn't approve, and he was avoiding him instead of telling him, and his friend didn't get why he suddenly wasn't around. Finally he did tell him, and his friend's response was basically "dude, if it makes you happy great; I thought you were avoiding me because you were mad at me or something". Since then, that friend and I have met several times and gotten along really well. I'm sorry you feel like your friends wouldn't understand, but I hope that if you decide to tell them, they surprise you.
  15. For those of you who are or have been openly in relationships with cousins: what reactions do people outside your family have when you tell them about your relationship? For us, it isn't something we announce to everyone, but eventually the "so how did you two meet?" question usually comes up with friends, and we're honest. I reply with something like "well, actually, we've known each other all of our lives. We're cousins." The reaction from that point on has been so similar with every exchange that I am curious about what others have experienced. This is my experience, basically word for word every time: Friend: "So, like, first cousins?" Me: "Yes, my father and his mother are siblings." F: "Oh. Do you have the same last name?" M: "No." F: "Well, have you guys thought about if you want to have kids?" M: "Yes, actually the genetic risk is much lower than you would think, only about 2-3% higher than the general population, and from what we know about our family history, there is nothing that should worry us." F: "That's good!" [pause] "I actually used to have a crush on one of my cousins..." At which point they tell me about their crush. Well, the crush part only happens with about two thirds of them, but that's the part that surprised me the most. The rest of it happens every time. All of our friends have been accepting, and no one has been judgemental, at least to our faces. In fact, the more people I've told, the more confident I've felt because of how well they've responded. What about you guys?
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