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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Everything posted by MissPrice

  1. Merry Christmas happy holidays

    Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all of you! This site has been an amazing resource for me and my cousin (husband of seven months now). Thanks so much for building the resources and environment to support couples like us. We really appreciate it!
  2. 1st Cousins, Relationship Advice, Family Help

    Does your cousin live with her mother, or is she financially dependent on her? If not, it seems like you could visit her as planned in January and talk to her in person about everything without involving her mom. If so, then she probably has some growing up to do before you can realistically expect any kind of commitment from her.
  3. Im in love with my 2nd cousin

    Charity, we can't give you good advice without knowing more about your situation, such as where you are, how old you and your cousin are, whether either or both of you is dependent on your family, etc. I would say the first thing you need to do is to take a pregnancy test. If you are two days past your normal start time, you should get a pretty clear result one way or the other.
  4. As someone who has brought up this topic with doctors, I agree with KC that what a family doctor will tell you can be unpredictable, and often rooted in prejudice. One doctor seemed surprised but fine, but when I told my obgyn, she was obviously repelled, started treating me very differently, and tried to push me into getting an extremely expensive genetic test. I showed the test to my brother, who is in medical school, and he said it tested for a number of extremely rare genetic diseases (e.g., one that has only been see in 300 individuals in a closed Eastern European population, which is not part of my ancestry), and that it didn't test for thousands more that were more likely to be a problem. Do keep in mind that any genetic testing you have done is unlikely to be covered by your health insurance. The more you know about the genetic history of your family, the better off you are. Studies published on birth defects of the offspring of cousin couples have usually been in populations where this is a common occurrence, meaning the chance of birth defects is compounded over generations. Basically, if your ancestors also married their cousins, there is a higher chance of a recessive defect emerging. However, even in these studies, the chance of a birth defect is pretty low. It is an increased risk to have a baby with your cousin, but less of a risk than any woman over 35 having a baby. Whatever you do, make sure you do your research and have as much information as you can to make an informed choice. And good luck!
  5. How would a state know you're related anyway?

    All laws related to cousin relationships and marriage vary on a state by state basis, which is really frustrating. For example, I and my husband/first cousin live in Ohio, where it is illegal for us to marry. There is a question on the marriage application that we would have had to lie on, and in the unlikely circumstance that anyone ever found out and decided to cause problems, it could have gotten very complicated for us. Additionally, my health insurance has a stipulation in it that it can't cover a first cousin as a "partner". However, Ohio has a law that states that they will accept the validity of marriages created in other states. We married in Tennessee, where first cousin marriage is legal, and Ohio accepts that as a legal marriage, and my husband is now covered under my health insurance under the category of "spouse", which doesn't have the same stipulation as "partner". I am not a lawyer, but it is my belief, based on the research I've done, that the federal law protecting gay marriage would win a case in a court of law for any marriage accepted by some states but not others. Because my husband and I now have a legally recognized marriage and all the protections that go with it, we are not going to be the couple to pursue this (unless we moved to a state where there was some question about the legality of our marriage). I do hope that someone will take it to court though, and that the legal rights of cousin couples will be recognized on a federal level, overriding all of this horribly frustrating and complicated state by state nonsense. Good luck with figuring out the details for yourself, and if you do find loopholes in your state as I did in mine, I'm sure other people here would appreciate if you shared that.
  6. Dilemma with my cousin.

    So, your cousin is married, and has a secret girlfriend, and sometimes the two of you are intimate as well. Sounds like a recipe for drama and trouble to me. The bottom line for you is that she is married, and you need to respect that even if she doesn't. Sounds like you need to keep yourself out of any situation with her in which things "just happen".
  7. For those of you who are or have been openly in relationships with cousins: what reactions do people outside your family have when you tell them about your relationship? For us, it isn't something we announce to everyone, but eventually the "so how did you two meet?" question usually comes up with friends, and we're honest. I reply with something like "well, actually, we've known each other all of our lives. We're cousins." The reaction from that point on has been so similar with every exchange that I am curious about what others have experienced. This is my experience, basically word for word every time: Friend: "So, like, first cousins?" Me: "Yes, my father and his mother are siblings." F: "Oh. Do you have the same last name?" M: "No." F: "Well, have you guys thought about if you want to have kids?" M: "Yes, actually the genetic risk is much lower than you would think, only about 2-3% higher than the general population, and from what we know about our family history, there is nothing that should worry us." F: "That's good!" [pause] "I actually used to have a crush on one of my cousins..." At which point they tell me about their crush. Well, the crush part only happens with about two thirds of them, but that's the part that surprised me the most. The rest of it happens every time. All of our friends have been accepting, and no one has been judgemental, at least to our faces. In fact, the more people I've told, the more confident I've felt because of how well they've responded. What about you guys?
  8. It's just that the original poster stated some confusing things about marriage in Ohio, and I didn't want anyone reading the thread to misunderstand. It isn't "illegal" to be in a relationship with a cousin in Ohio (say, as it is in Texas), and it is possible to be in a legal marriage in Ohio. That does of course require that you are not married to anyone else first.
  9. A point of clarification for anyone reading this thread: while it is not legal to marry your cousin in Ohio, you can be married in a state that does allow cousin marriage, and Ohio will recognize that marriage.
  10. Planning a baby

    You don't even have to go to a genetic counselor; your OB-GYN can order any of a number of genetic tests for you. Even if your health insurance doesn't cover genetic testing, some companies have special rates currently, because they are trying to expand their market. That being said, Lady C is right, being first cousins only raises the risk of birth defects slightly. This is higher for specific populations where cousin marriage is common, so the more you know about your shared ancestry, the better.
  11. This is a post I've been meaning to write for a while, because I see so many people struggling with their feelings, and with how the world will/is responding. And I too struggled for years, and thought the idea of being with my cousin was impossible, and thought that if we were together, if by some chance he felt about me the way I felt about him, things would be impossibly hard. We've been married for about two months now. At the very least, members of our family(ies) accept us, and some of them are very happy we're together. Our friends all know and accept us. We are very lucky, and our world is not going to be what everyone gets, but I've learned that there are some advantages to cousin relationships that most relationships don't have, and I want to share that, because I think a lot of you don't know that, and are scared and confused, and I want you to know that not only are cousin relationships NOT impossible, but there are some things that make them special. So, for one thing. If/when your family accepts your relationship, here's a big plus: you are both invested in the same people. When our mutual grandmother (she just turned 87 and lives by herself) needs help, we are both right there to do everything we can. If one of us is more available than the other, that person spends the night at her house. If she's not feeding herself right, we both remind her of that, and if one of us decides to buy her nutritional supplements out of our grocery fund, the other one is happy about that. This is our family. We take care of them, and we both know why, and we both agree on that. Related, if there is a disagreement in the family, we send in the one of us who is best positioned to handle it. So, my husband/cousin's mother's husband (no relation to either of us) emailed the family saying he thought we should all come together and force our grandmother (again, no relation of his) into assisted living. And we talked about how to respond, and in that case my husband/cousin handled it beautifully. And I'm the one who calls our grandmother at least once a week, and tells her we both love her, and checks in on how she's doing, because I'm better on the phone. All of the above is about family, which is really important. But the personal is even more important. My husband/cousin and I saw each other a couple of times a year when we were kids. We didn't see each other for about ten years from adolescence to adulthood. After that, we saw each other again about twice a year, until I moved close to him and things got complicated. But at that point, I already knew him. I'd known him my whole life. We always talked freely about our relationships to each other. I watched him be a father to another woman's three girls, who weren't his, until she made it impossible for him. I knew what he would be like in a relationship before I was ever with him. I knew his strengths, and his flaws, just as he knew mine. And I knew that his strengths were exactly what I needed, and I knew that I complimented his flaws. I walked into this relationship knowing exactly what I was walking into, and loving him for who he is. To me, that's the most powerful potential about a cousin relationship. That you can know the other person, so well, on other terms, before you become romantically involved or commit to them. That's not something most people get to have. Anyone who reads this and is struck by it, or anyone who is struggling with the possibility of a cousin relationship, please feel free to respond here, or to message me directly. And for those of you who are in happy cousin relationships: anything to add?
  12. Dilemma

    Hi Lilly - as someone who is happily married to her first cousin, I certainly don't think there is anything wrong with your feelings. However, you said he's fifteen. That's too young for a romantic relationship with a cousin (and for most guys, too young for a relationship at all). If you are seriously interested in him, wait until the two of you are both older. The age difference won't matter then. It's okay to feel how you feel, but try to put those feelings away for now. Be friends, concentrate on becoming the kind of woman you want to be, and if in a few years you still feel about him the way you feel now, that would be time to consider pursuing a relationship with him.
  13. I'm a little confused by your story 1) you two are dating, but you've never actually met? ("I haven't met him in person yet, but I plan to very soon.") 2) He's already broken up with you twice, once getting together with someone else immediately afterwards?, and 3) You are both 18, correct? Assuming I got all three of those things right, this doesn't sound like a serious thing. Maybe meet him before you start talking about forever, in any context.
  14. Introduction and Advice

    If you are twenty and your cousin is five years younger, that means she's fifteen. That's too young to "date", even if the two of you aren't in a physical relationship. On the upside, it also means that her feelings about you might change significantly as she gets older, especially if the two of you are friends. Like Lady C and KC said, five years isn't a big difference... once you are both adults. I know it's tough, but I would highly recommend trying to put your feelings on the back burner for now, and concentrating on college and friends and all the fun things about being twenty. If you are serious about your cousin (which if you are looking up marriage laws I'm guessing you are), you have plenty of time, and you can spend that time turning yourself into the kind of man she could fall in love with. If you aren't, it's not worth causing strife in your family over now - you have to live with them for the rest of your life.
  15. Do guys express their feelings during sex?

    I would say that regardless of gender, passion during sex does not necessarily mean anything outside of the bedroom. However, you said in your thread that your cousin told you he imagines a future with you. I would say that's about the best evidence you're going to get that he cares about you.
  16. Got to get this off my chest

    Agree with quarter25. There are too many glaring warning signs with C to ignore; I read your long version, and she's already put you in bad positions multiple times, seemingly whenever she's had an opening to. It doesn't sound like there is much potential for a positive relationship there.
  17. Missing side bar

    Yes, fixed! Thank you both!
  18. Missing side bar

    Someone send me a PM or like one of my posts so I have a notification and I'll tell you.
  19. Missing side bar

    Thanks for all your work on this, we appreciate it a lot!
  20. Missing side bar

    I can't check my notifications on my phone now. When I click on the triple bar, the screen grays out like it's trying to load, but nothing happens.
  21. Am I more than a fwb for my cousin?

    The only person who can answer those questions is him. Why don't you ask him?
  22. Am I more than a fwb for my cousin?

    From what you are saying: you trust him, he's telling you he wants a future with you, he acts like he wants a future with you, he kept a note you gave him for seven years. Everyone thinks about their exes sometimes, that's just life. What's the problem?
  23. Am I more than a fwb for my cousin?

    Do you trust him? If he's saying that he wants a future with you, what makes you doubt that? I'm confused about what this means: "He had been so close to me lately that his mum started doubting that he has feelings for me."
  24. Am I more than a fwb for my cousin?

    That's a tough situation to be in; I recommend that people only get involved with their cousins when they are interested in committing to serious relationship. A little late for me to offer that advice in this case though, obviously. It will be hard to get back to a normal cousin relationship, and it will definitely take time. It's possible your cousin wanted more than a fwb relationship with you. If that's not something you are interested in, you need to give him his distance. How many people manage to stay friends after they've been in a sexual relationship, even if it's supposed to be just sex? It happens, but it's less likely than not, and that's not taking into account the part about being family. If he's still recovering from his ex, that complicates things too.
  25. Am I more than a fwb for my cousin?

    So, to summarize: you stopped having casual sex with your cousin who was on a rebound from a bad breakup, and now he's distant. I would say yes, him being distant is pretty normal in a situation like that. What kind of relationship do you want with him?