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MissPrice

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Everything posted by MissPrice

  1. As someone who lives in Ohio and married my first cousin in another state: no, there is nothing about your marriage certificate that should indicate your biological relationship. Ohio accepts marriages from other states regardless of whether they would give a certificate for that marriage. So legally (and I'm not a lawyer, just well-informed on this issue) you should be fine.
  2. It's too bad that your mom is being so closed-minded. It sounds like you have a good plan for handling the situation though, and I doubt you'll lose your family over this. There might be some distance for awhile with specific people, but there's a very good chance they'll learn to accept it over time when they realize they can't change it, and it's not a bad thing. Good luck!
  3. That's a tough situation. I haven't been there, but I've often thought that if my cousin (first cousin, now husband) and I had gotten together when we were younger/ when I was still financially dependent on my dad in college, he would have totally freaked out. The way it went for us, I was 28, financially independent, and living in a different state. I'd had feelings for my cousin forever, but it never occurred to me that a relationship was possible until then. My dad wasn't thrilled when I first told him, but he also knew that he didn't get a say, and he'd had several years to deal with me being an adult and making decisions he didn't always agree with. You are absolutely right that you should get to decide who you want to be in a relationship with. Being an adult who is financially dependent on a parent is tough for lots of reasons though, and this is a big one. You shouldn't have to hide this from your mom, but if she's going to threaten your living situation and/or education because of it, it's probably the best option you have right now, and I'm sorry about that. Do you have a sense of why she was so freaked out? She's your mom, so she loves you, and she thinks she's protecting you from making a bad decision. So why does she think it's a bad decision? For example, if she's worried about genetic issues with her future grandkids, you could show her the science that the increased risk of birth defects is extremely small. It doesn't matter if you think you'll want kids or not, since it's just about her fears at this point. Like I said, my dad wasn't thrilled when I told him, but over time, he saw how happy I was, and how great we were together, and I talked to him about the reality of the genetic risks to his grandkids and explained that we were consulting doctors and being responsible about it. By the time we got married, about a year and a half after we got together, he was completely over his initial hesitations. I think most parents do, because in the end, what they want is to see is that their kid is having a good life. I bet your mom will too, but as long as you're financially dependent on her, that complicates things. She thinks she still gets to direct part of your future, and it sounds like she's ready to use whatever leverage she has to do it. She's put you in a bind, and while her intentions are probably good, it doesn't leave you with a lot of options. Good luck!
  4. That must be very frustrating for you, I get that. Do keep in mind though that she's pregnant and working. Also, it's possible you overwhelmed her with the gifts. It's a beautiful gesture, but she may feel awkward about accepting them. She may be unsure what your expectations are, and not in a position emotionally to engage with you, and craving pickles on ice cream with potato chips, and having hot flashes, and terrified of being a mother. My point is just that she has an awful lot going on right now, you know? After the father of her unborn child left her, she might distrust men in general, or she might not want to look at any man romantically, or any of a number of things. What's highly likely is that she doesn't have a lot of time for other people's thoughts and feelings (and she's probably not in the mood for surprises either). I can't imagine anyone who would in that situation. The best you can do is help where she lets you and be there when and if she wants you. It's hard to argue that she's using you, since she didn't ask, you offered. And I do get that it's really tough for you, and that you want so much to be a part of her life and to help her. I spent years watching my cousin with women who didn't value him, who took advantage of him, and didn't even notice his best qualities. It drove me up the wall. At one point, he was getting divorced, and was losing his house (that he and his wife had bought, and then she picked up and left him with the mortgage eight months later). I wanted so badly to fix it for him, and I couldn't. At the time, I was living two states away, and engaged. Point is, I really do understand how tough it is to not be right next to a person you love when they are going through a difficult time. But if you really want to be the better man in her life, all you can do is offer her your support (emotional support is more what I'm talking about than gifts), and then let her decide what she wants to do with that. Good luck!
  5. Just a friendly outside perspective here, but it kinda sounds like you are pushing too hard. The last time you posted, the plan was that you would go see her and talk to her in person once you were over the flu. You still haven't seen her in person, correct? In the last message you sent her, you talk about "the promise you both made", but it's unclear to me from what you've said when she promised you anything. Also, it's great that you want to help her and her baby out, but she doesn't owe you for that. If you do think she does, it wasn't a gift. Had I had the opportunity, I would have advised you against sending that last message. You had already made your move, that puts the ball in her court.
  6. I agree with all of that. If someone is looking for a fling, or a fun summer, or some drama (yuck), looking for any of that with a cousin is a terrible idea. Not every relationship can (or should) turn into something serious, but a relationship with a cousin is serious from the moment it starts, whether or not that's the plan. A cousin is a connection no matter what. and if someone gets hurt and the romantic relationship is over, that familial bond still exists. That's a lifetime of possible pain and awkward encounters. It's my opinion that anyone who wants a relationship with a cousin needs to be willing to give that relationship their all, and be mature enough to recognize what a real relationship (as opposed to a fantasy or dream of a relationship) is like. Otherwise, the potential pitfalls make it not worth the risk. I knew I had a thing for my cousin years before I said anything. I needed to know how serious my own feelings were, and that they were real, and to be in a situation to make things work if he felt the same (which I didn't think he would, I just decided I needed to tell him anyway). I think that was the right choice, and I encourage anyone in a similar situation to do some serious soul searching before starting something that isn't simple or easy to back out of. As a side note, it took a long time for me to say something to my cousin, but when I did, and when he felt the same, that was it. There was no question for either of us that we'd do whatever we needed to do to be together for the rest of our lives. That, I think, is part of what can make a cousin relationship so special. If you do it right, that cousin dynamic morphing into something deeper, something built on a pre-existing affection and knowledge of each other, the trust and intimacy can be exceptional.
  7. She mentions that she wants to see you twice in a short conversation, she doesn't want you to buy her anything specifically (i.e., clearly not just interested in what you can do for her), and she says "I love you" first. Those are all good signs; she is clearly very fond of you. Definitely don't delay going to see her once you are feeling better! It sounds like she's in a tough situation, and that she wants you close. Whether or not she ever loves you the way you want, if you love her, you should absolutely be there for her. Keep us updated!
  8. If you are there for her and her child, she will get the message, even if you don't tell her directly. Good luck!
  9. If you are as serious about your cousin as it sounds like you are, and you are both currently single, you should speak up! We don't get many chances in life to be truly happy with someone, and if you think that highly of her, and are willing to commit yourself to her like that, then she has the right to know that someone loves her like that, and you have the right to give yourself a chance at that dream. I carried a secret torch for my cousin from childhood, but never thought he would return those feelings. I was 29 when I finally told him, and he kissed me. We got married last spring. We've had to deal with some very difficult things since we got together, but what's never been hard is us. Being together is what gives us both strength and meaning. I spent years trying to tell myself that my feelings for him were a fantasy, that I wanted him because I couldn't have him, etc. That wasn't true. When you find the right person, you know. Don't let her slip away and be less happy with someone who cares about her happiness less because you are too afraid to take a chance.
  10. Hi Lilly - as someone who is happily married to her first cousin, I certainly don't think there is anything wrong with your feelings. However, you said he's fifteen. That's too young for a romantic relationship with a cousin (and for most guys, too young for a relationship at all). If you are seriously interested in him, wait until the two of you are both older. The age difference won't matter then. It's okay to feel how you feel, but try to put those feelings away for now. Be friends, concentrate on becoming the kind of woman you want to be, and if in a few years you still feel about him the way you feel now, that would be time to consider pursuing a relationship with him.
  11. I'm a little confused by your story 1) you two are dating, but you've never actually met? ("I haven't met him in person yet, but I plan to very soon.") 2) He's already broken up with you twice, once getting together with someone else immediately afterwards?, and 3) You are both 18, correct? Assuming I got all three of those things right, this doesn't sound like a serious thing. Maybe meet him before you start talking about forever, in any context.
  12. If you are twenty and your cousin is five years younger, that means she's fifteen. That's too young to "date", even if the two of you aren't in a physical relationship. On the upside, it also means that her feelings about you might change significantly as she gets older, especially if the two of you are friends. Like Lady C and KC said, five years isn't a big difference... once you are both adults. I know it's tough, but I would highly recommend trying to put your feelings on the back burner for now, and concentrating on college and friends and all the fun things about being twenty. If you are serious about your cousin (which if you are looking up marriage laws I'm guessing you are), you have plenty of time, and you can spend that time turning yourself into the kind of man she could fall in love with. If you aren't, it's not worth causing strife in your family over now - you have to live with them for the rest of your life.
  13. I would say that regardless of gender, passion during sex does not necessarily mean anything outside of the bedroom. However, you said in your thread that your cousin told you he imagines a future with you. I would say that's about the best evidence you're going to get that he cares about you.
  14. Yes, fixed! Thank you both!
  15. Someone send me a PM or like one of my posts so I have a notification and I'll tell you.
  16. Thanks for all your work on this, we appreciate it a lot!
  17. I can't check my notifications on my phone now. When I click on the triple bar, the screen grays out like it's trying to load, but nothing happens.
  18. The only person who can answer those questions is him. Why don't you ask him?
  19. From what you are saying: you trust him, he's telling you he wants a future with you, he acts like he wants a future with you, he kept a note you gave him for seven years. Everyone thinks about their exes sometimes, that's just life. What's the problem?
  20. Do you trust him? If he's saying that he wants a future with you, what makes you doubt that? I'm confused about what this means: "He had been so close to me lately that his mum started doubting that he has feelings for me."
  21. That's a tough situation to be in; I recommend that people only get involved with their cousins when they are interested in committing to serious relationship. A little late for me to offer that advice in this case though, obviously. It will be hard to get back to a normal cousin relationship, and it will definitely take time. It's possible your cousin wanted more than a fwb relationship with you. If that's not something you are interested in, you need to give him his distance. How many people manage to stay friends after they've been in a sexual relationship, even if it's supposed to be just sex? It happens, but it's less likely than not, and that's not taking into account the part about being family. If he's still recovering from his ex, that complicates things too.
  22. So, to summarize: you stopped having casual sex with your cousin who was on a rebound from a bad breakup, and now he's distant. I would say yes, him being distant is pretty normal in a situation like that. What kind of relationship do you want with him?
  23. Why are you worried about whether or not she likes you, if you aren't planning to pursue a relationship either way? She doesn't sound bipolar, she sounds like a teenager. It also sounds to me like you aren't being entirely honest with yourself, that in fact, you would like to pursue a relationship with her. Otherwise why care? But Quarter25's right, no amount of information you give on a message board can determine whether or not she likes you; the only way to know for sure would be to ask her. I wouldn't recommend that, not because you are cousins, but because 17 and 24 is a pretty big age gap, and she's not legally an adult.
  24. Hi Brynn - Ambra is absolutely right, now is not a time to pursue anything with your cousin. Relationships are challenging, and cousin relationships are more complicated than most, because of the family dynamic. As a teenager, you have enough to worry about without that. You are figuring out who you are, and what you want out of life. If you have feelings for your cousin later on, there is nothing wrong with pursuing that then. But right now, you are both dependent on your families, you are both evolving rapidly, and you are both too young to make the kind of commitment to each other that makes dealing with all the complications of a cousin relationship worth it. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I would recommend putting some space between yourself and your cousin for now.
  25. This is a post I've been meaning to write for a while, because I see so many people struggling with their feelings, and with how the world will/is responding. And I too struggled for years, and thought the idea of being with my cousin was impossible, and thought that if we were together, if by some chance he felt about me the way I felt about him, things would be impossibly hard. We've been married for about two months now. At the very least, members of our family(ies) accept us, and some of them are very happy we're together. Our friends all know and accept us. We are very lucky, and our world is not going to be what everyone gets, but I've learned that there are some advantages to cousin relationships that most relationships don't have, and I want to share that, because I think a lot of you don't know that, and are scared and confused, and I want you to know that not only are cousin relationships NOT impossible, but there are some things that make them special. So, for one thing. If/when your family accepts your relationship, here's a big plus: you are both invested in the same people. When our mutual grandmother (she just turned 87 and lives by herself) needs help, we are both right there to do everything we can. If one of us is more available than the other, that person spends the night at her house. If she's not feeding herself right, we both remind her of that, and if one of us decides to buy her nutritional supplements out of our grocery fund, the other one is happy about that. This is our family. We take care of them, and we both know why, and we both agree on that. Related, if there is a disagreement in the family, we send in the one of us who is best positioned to handle it. So, my husband/cousin's mother's husband (no relation to either of us) emailed the family saying he thought we should all come together and force our grandmother (again, no relation of his) into assisted living. And we talked about how to respond, and in that case my husband/cousin handled it beautifully. And I'm the one who calls our grandmother at least once a week, and tells her we both love her, and checks in on how she's doing, because I'm better on the phone. All of the above is about family, which is really important. But the personal is even more important. My husband/cousin and I saw each other a couple of times a year when we were kids. We didn't see each other for about ten years from adolescence to adulthood. After that, we saw each other again about twice a year, until I moved close to him and things got complicated. But at that point, I already knew him. I'd known him my whole life. We always talked freely about our relationships to each other. I watched him be a father to another woman's three girls, who weren't his, until she made it impossible for him. I knew what he would be like in a relationship before I was ever with him. I knew his strengths, and his flaws, just as he knew mine. And I knew that his strengths were exactly what I needed, and I knew that I complimented his flaws. I walked into this relationship knowing exactly what I was walking into, and loving him for who he is. To me, that's the most powerful potential about a cousin relationship. That you can know the other person, so well, on other terms, before you become romantically involved or commit to them. That's not something most people get to have. Anyone who reads this and is struck by it, or anyone who is struggling with the possibility of a cousin relationship, please feel free to respond here, or to message me directly. And for those of you who are in happy cousin relationships: anything to add?
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