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MissPrice

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Posts posted by MissPrice

  1. It would of course be nice if a stranger on the internet could tell you definitively that your cousin is romantically interested in you. :) Unfortunately, the only one who can tell you that is her. She clearly enjoys flirting with you, but flirting doesn't always mean the desire for a relationship, as I'm sure you know. Good luck!

  2. 53 minutes ago, Fred0822 said:

    I don’t know exactly how to post here! 
     

    my cousin lives with me this is the second time she has. I asked her when she was not living with me if she would just sleep with me and let me hold her, she said yes, she came over a few times and stayed once i held her for a short time each time, she held my hand and interlocked fingers with me. After she moved back in we slept together a couple of times spooning me touching everywhere but inappropriate  Areas. She doesn’t talk about it much I asked if it was ok if I just stopped asking to come up stairs to her room and she said that was fine. We both have kids so it hard sometimes to wait tell there sleeping and get out before there up. We hug every morning before I leave for work and every evening when we both get home.  Do you think she wants more? Or what should I do if I want more? 

    Well, a couple of things: 1) it sounds like you need to figure out if in fact you do "want more", because at least the way you posed the question, it doesn't sound like you are clear if you do or not. 2) It sounds like your cousin is dependent on you for her living situation, which, if true, means you need to tread very very lightly.  You two are obviously close, but all of the interactions you describe are platonic, and you're the one who has asked for more intimacy.  You could easily put her in a position where she feels pressured into something she doesn't really want with you. Also, as you both have children, it's important to think about how a romantic relationship between the two of you would effect them. None of this means you can't be honest with her - in fact, I think you should. Just make it clear that you aren't trying to pressure her into anything, and be prepared for her to feel differently. If she does feel differently, she will probably want to look for another living situation, so there is certainly a risk of losing some of the intimacy that you have. But if you do want a romantic relationship and you aren't honest with her about it, that intimacy is under false pretenses anyway, which isn't fair to her at all.

  3. As someone who lives in Ohio and married my first cousin in another state: no, there is nothing about your marriage certificate that should indicate your biological relationship. Ohio accepts marriages from other states regardless of whether they would give a certificate for that marriage. So legally (and I'm not a lawyer, just well-informed on this issue) you should be fine.

  4. If you tell someone you love them and they don't return the feelings, you need distance from them. Sexting isn't platonic; while I'm unclear exactly whether you and your cousin have ever had a physical relationship, you don't sext someone you just think of as family, and it was perfectly reasonable for you to ask if she was using you. And honestly, it sounds like she is. She doesn't want to lose you, but she doesn't want a romantic relationship, and she wants you to be there for her as she dates other people, after you told her you love her. Not cool. You should tell her that you feel used and why, and that you need some space from her. Go date people who are interested in a romantic relationship with you. If she cares about you, she'll understand and realize that she's been unfair. If she doesn't care about you, you shouldn't be waiting for her anyway.

    • Like 2
  5. I think the question you need to ask yourself is: how serious are you about this guy? He's cute and you have a huge crush on him, and if you weren't (half) cousins, a date would be the obvious choice. But you are cousins (half or not might not matter to family), and you always will be cousins, no matter what else you might or might not choose to be to each other. Can you find ways to spend more time around him without it being weird or romantic, so that you can get to know him better and decide if it's more than a crush? I'm married to my first cousin, and I'd never want to be married to anyone else, but I think it's important to go slow when the person you are interested in is someone who will always be in your life as family. And most modern, western families don't respond positively to cousin relationships, at least not initially, so are you willing to deal with their disapproval to pursue this? If the answer is no or even maybe not, don't start anything until you are sure.

  6. If people are misinformed, you just have to educate them. :) I usually start by saying "Darwin, Einstein, and Queen Victoria all married their first cousins, so I think I'm in good company." We don't advertise that we are cousins, but it usually comes up with friends in the "How did you meet?" conversation. We just tell people simply and directly when they ask. They are usually mildly surprised, many people then tell us about a cousin crush they've had. It hasn't happened, but if anyone reacted with shock and horror, I wouldn't want them as friends anyway. 

    • Like 1
  7. If you are applying for a marriage license, some states have a question about kinship on the application. If you lied, I imagine there would be legal ways to argue that the marriage is invalid. This was my concern with myself and my cousin/husband when we got married. Ohio (where we live) doesn't allow marriages between first cousins, but they accept marriages from other states as valid, so we got married in Tennessee, where first cousin marriage is legal.

    Of course, it would only matter if someone had the motivation to argue in a court of law that a marriage was invalid, but to me that wouldn't be a chance worth taking, no matter how remote. 

    • Like 1
  8. Pooch, whatever your intended message, telling a guy to grab a girl and kiss her without ascertaining her feeling first is a bad idea. I and pretty much every woman I know has at some point been grabbed and kissed, fondled, caressed, whatever when it was not what we wanted. That is an "unwanted sexual advance", which is textbook sexual harassment. And this is textbook emotional abuse:

    On 4/27/2018 at 12:03 PM, pooch said:

    For example, call her names. You actually did a good job in calling her out and poking her but make sure you do it "tug" her emotions. Hurt her one time then comfort her the next time. Call her a "slut" for example. 

     

  9. Just to clarify - the age of your cousin's parents or your parents doesn't matter. What matters is how old you and she are if you decide to have children. For example, a woman over 35 has about a 10% increased risk of birth defects compared to a woman under 35. Not something you two need to worry about for a while, since she's 23.

    And let me add my support to LadyC and Romalee in saying "being a jerk" to a woman you are interested in (or any woman for that matter) is terrible advice. In fact, I hope you ignore that whole post, as much of what  "Pooch" suggests sounds like sexual harassment, and if a guy behaved that way towards me, far from being impressed, I would immediately distance myself as much as possible.

    I think you have some good ideas about opening lines. Good luck!

     

  10. It's too bad that your mom is being so closed-minded. It sounds like you have a good plan for handling the situation though, and I doubt you'll lose your family over this. There might be some distance for awhile with specific people, but there's a very good chance they'll learn to accept it over time when they realize they can't change it, and it's not a bad thing. Good luck!

  11. That's a tough situation. I haven't been there, but I've often thought that if my cousin (first cousin, now husband) and I had gotten together when we were younger/ when I was still financially dependent on my dad in college, he would have totally freaked out. The way it went for us, I was 28, financially independent, and living in a different state. I'd had feelings for my cousin forever, but it never occurred to me that a relationship was possible until then. My dad wasn't thrilled when I first told him, but he also knew that he didn't get a say, and he'd had several years to deal with me being an adult and making decisions he didn't always agree with. 

    You are absolutely right that you should get to decide who you want to be in a relationship with. Being an adult who is financially dependent on a parent is tough for lots of reasons though, and this is a big one. You shouldn't have to hide this from your mom, but if she's going to threaten your living situation and/or education because of it, it's probably the best option you have right now, and I'm sorry about that. Do you have a sense of why she was so freaked out? She's your mom, so she loves you, and she thinks she's protecting you from making a bad decision. So why does she think it's a bad decision? For example, if she's worried about genetic issues with her future grandkids, you could show her the science that the increased risk of birth defects is extremely small. It doesn't matter if you think you'll want kids or not, since it's just about her fears at this point. 

    Like I said, my dad wasn't thrilled when I told him, but over time, he saw how happy I was, and how great we were together, and I talked to him about the reality of the genetic risks to his grandkids and explained that we were consulting doctors and being responsible about it. By the time we got married, about a year and a half after we got together, he was completely over his initial hesitations. I think most parents do, because in the end, what they want is to see is that their kid is having a good life. I bet your mom will too, but as long as you're financially dependent on her, that complicates things. She thinks she still gets to direct part of your future, and it sounds like she's ready to use  whatever leverage she has to do it.  She's put you in a bind, and while her intentions are probably good, it doesn't leave you with a lot of options.

    Good luck!

    • Like 1
  12. I already gave you one suggestion. Just keep it simple. If you want to be less direct, try my suggestion above. My own approach was to be very direct. We were talking about dating, and he told me I would find the right man eventually. I said "finding him isn't the problem". He asked me what the problem was, and I told him that the problem was that "he is you, and I know you won't like that, but I can't change it". Something like that. Talk to her, and take the opportunity that presents itself, whatever that is. There is no script. Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

  13. Unfortunately, the only way to know is to approach her. No reward without risk. :) I can tell you that when I told my cousin, I didn't think he would return my feelings. I only told him because we were very close and talked about everything else, and I couldn't stand not telling him anymore. Now we are married, and I'm happier with him than I've ever been with anyone. It's a scary thing to do, to make yourself emotionally vulnerable like that. The question is, if you don't say something, how will you feel? If she goes off with someone else and you never said anything, is that better or worse than taking the chance that she'll reject you?

    • Like 1
  14. Kitty - it's not a good idea to stay with someone because they will be hurt if you leave. That's not fair to either of you, because you aren't with someone you want to be with, and he has to know this on some level. If you don't love him romantically, you need to leave him.

    One the other hand, if you are just afraid of the complications of cousin relationships, and you are in love with him, you might want to look into it more. There is a slight increase in a chance of birth defects for first cousins who have children together, but it is not high (significantly lower than a woman over 35 having a baby for example) and you can also mitigate the risk with genetic testing. Depending on where you are, you may or may not be able to legally marry, and that is certainly something to consider. However, if you really love each other, it's worth the challenges.

    In the long run, you need to make a choice based on how you feel about him. Good luck.

     

  15. Ah, I see you did make a separate post here. The standard advice offered on these forums - which seems good to me - is to say something like "if you weren't my cousin, I would like to date you", which gives you the option of backing off if she doesn't respond well.

    How do you think your family would respond if you two dated? Is it considered taboo for second cousins to date in the area of India you live in?

    • Like 1
  16. Hi CptnKitten - It sounds like you have a lot going on. I agree with Nattana: your ex is a complete jerk, and the less you let his cruelty affect you, the better. Your cousin obviously cares about you, and being attracted to someone who cares is completely rational, especially if you've been dealing with abusive and emotionally damaged people. However, cousin relationships are inherently more complicated than relationships between unrelated individuals, so if you do decide you want a relationship with him, it's good to understand that in the beginning. In terms of sorting out your feelings, it's hard to know unless you give it some time. I can tell you from experience that him being your cousin doesn't mean you're not attracted to him. He's someone you know, and feel safe with. Despite the kinds of relationships our society likes to glamorize, that can be a great basis for a relationship, especially if you have trouble trusting people.

    Knowing how your family would react is impossible without telling them. I think in most cases, family members who love you will get over it eventually if they see it's good for you. My dad definitely struggled when I first told him I was dating my cousin, but by the time we got married last year, he was just thrilled to see me so happy.

    Maybe try spending some more time with your cousin. That will give you opportunities to figure out your feelings about him, and also to gage his feelings for you. 

  17. That must be very frustrating for you, I get that. Do keep in mind though that she's pregnant and working. Also, it's possible you overwhelmed her with the gifts. It's a beautiful gesture, but she may feel awkward about accepting them. She may be unsure what your expectations are, and not in a position emotionally to engage with you, and craving pickles on ice cream with potato chips, and having hot flashes, and terrified of being a mother. My point is just that she has an awful lot going on right now, you know? After the father of her unborn child left her, she might distrust men in general, or she might not want to look at any man romantically, or any of a number of things. What's highly likely is that she doesn't have a lot of time for other people's thoughts and feelings (and she's probably not in the mood for surprises either). I can't imagine anyone who would in that situation. The best you can do is help where she lets you and be there when and if she wants you. It's hard to argue that she's using you, since she didn't ask, you offered.

    And I do get that it's really tough for you, and that you want so much to be a part of her life and to help her. I spent years watching my cousin with women who didn't value him, who took advantage of him, and didn't even notice his best qualities. It drove me up the wall. At one point, he was getting divorced, and was losing his house (that he and his wife had bought, and then she picked up and left him with the mortgage eight months later). I wanted so badly to fix it for him, and I couldn't. At the time, I was living two states away, and engaged. Point is, I really do understand how tough it is to not be right next to a person you love when they are going through a difficult time. But if you really want to be the better man in her life, all you can do is offer her your support (emotional support is more what I'm talking about than gifts), and then let her decide what she wants to do with that. Good luck!

    • Like 1
  18. Just a friendly outside perspective here, but it kinda sounds like you are pushing too hard. The last time you posted, the plan was that you would go see her and talk to her in person once you were over the flu. You still haven't seen her in person, correct? In the last message you sent her, you talk about "the promise you both made", but it's unclear to me from what you've said when she promised you anything. Also, it's great that you want to help her and her baby out, but she doesn't owe you for that. If you do think she does, it wasn't a gift. Had I had the opportunity, I would have advised you against sending that last message. You had already made your move, that puts the ball in her court.

     

  19. So, when you are trying to decide what to do in a situation, it's helpful to think about the pros and cons. What happens if you do tell her how you feel, best case scenario? What is the worst case scenario if you tell her? And best/worst if you don't?

    So, what do you hope will happen if you tell her? I did read your entire post, but not all in one sitting, so just to clarify: you see her for a couple of weeks once a year. You are in Canada, she is in Hawaii I believe?

    Assuming I got the basic facts right: best case scenario, you tell her how you feel, and she feels the same. What happens then? She leaves her boyfriend, obviously. Are either of you in a position to visit the other until next year? If yes, would one of you eventually move to be with the other? If not, you would be in a long distance relationship. Is that what you want?

    If she rejects you, she's still your cousin. I'm going to assume you will still be in a position to see her every Christmas. How would you feel about that?

    My advice with cousin relationships is always to take it slow, be careful what you commit to, and if you commit to it, be ready for what that means.

    You can never change the fact that she is your cousin. You two could decide to have a relationship, and then break up, and she'd still be your cousin, and always part of your life. I believe that you are currently nineteen, and she is currently eighteen. That's pretty young to commit to anything serious. Not that it doesn't happen, but it doesn't happen often and turn out well. And I would say, if you don't want to commit to her long term, and think about having children with her (or not), and think about all of the implications of that, you may not want to complicate a good friendship now for something that probably won't last.

    And I know you feel strongly about her, and I know you are in a tough place right now. My advice though is to wait a few years. See who you are five years from now. See who she is. And if you've missed being with her every second you haven't been with her for those five years, and you think she might feel the same, say something then. Cousin relationships are never simple, and they are never easy. Make sure, if you get yourself into that, it's worth doing.

  20. Hi John. First, just to clarify, you do not currently have a romantic relationship with your cousin, correct? I ask because you say you are currently "dating" her, which, in American culture, implies a romantic relationship. However, it doesn't sound like it means quite the same thing in your context, because it sounds like there is no romantic relationship, you two just spend a lot of time doing things together.

    Secondly, the genetic question is quite complicated. I wouldn't get too caught up in percentages if I were you. The percentages are only estimations, and they are dependent on a lot of things, such as:

    • Is consanguinity common in the culture? (i.e., the chances of a birth defect are higher if multiple generations marry individuals they are related to)
    • How small is the population? (i.e., if it's a small, closed culture, even if cousin couples aren't common, there is a higher chance of birth defects)
    • Are there environmental factors increasing the risk of birth defects overall?
    • How old are the parents?

    There is also no perfect DNA test that will test for all possible defects. If you and your cousin do get married and decide to have children together, I would highly recommend talking to a genetic counselor about your specific risk factors, and what DNA test they would recommend based on what population/culture you are both from (which can determine what defects are more likely). 

    On the point of whether or not you should tell your cousin: if you feel something for her that you don't feel for any other woman, it would be unfair to any other woman to pursue them. Sometimes in life you have to take a risk, and in your case, it sounds like a risk worth taking. Lots of people have written on these boards about possible ways to bring up your feelings, I'd definitely recommend looking around. 

     

  21. Sounds like your cousin is struggling with his sexuality. That is absolutely not something you want to be in the middle of. It also sounds like his treatment of you is borderline physically abusive. I would strongly suggest putting some space between him and yourself for a while.

  22. I agree with all of that. If someone is looking for a fling, or a fun summer, or some drama (yuck), looking for any of that with a cousin is a terrible idea. Not every relationship can (or should) turn into something serious, but a relationship with a cousin is serious from the moment it starts, whether or not that's the plan. A cousin is a connection no matter what. and if someone gets hurt and the romantic relationship is over, that familial bond still exists. That's a lifetime of possible pain and awkward encounters. 

    It's my opinion that anyone who wants a relationship with a cousin needs to be willing to give that relationship their all, and be mature enough to recognize what a real relationship (as opposed to a fantasy or dream of a relationship) is like. Otherwise, the potential pitfalls make it not worth the risk. I knew I had a thing for my cousin years before I said anything. I needed to know how serious my own feelings were, and that they were real, and to be in a situation to make things work if he felt the same (which I didn't think he would, I just decided I needed to tell him anyway). I think that was the right choice, and I encourage anyone in a similar situation to do some serious soul searching before starting something that isn't simple or easy to back out of. 

    As a side note, it took a long time for me to say something to my cousin, but when I did, and when he felt the same, that was it. There was no question for either of us that we'd do whatever we needed to do to be together for the rest of our lives. That, I think, is part of what can make a cousin relationship so special. If you do it right, that cousin dynamic morphing into something deeper, something built on a pre-existing affection and knowledge of each other, the trust and intimacy can be exceptional.

    • Like 1
  23. She mentions that she wants to see you twice in a short conversation, she doesn't want you to buy her anything specifically (i.e.,  clearly not just interested in what you can do for her), and she says "I love you" first. Those are all good signs; she is clearly very fond of you. Definitely don't delay going to see her once you are feeling better! It sounds like she's in a tough situation, and that she wants you close. Whether or not she ever loves you the way you want, if you love her, you should absolutely be there for her. Keep us updated!

    • Like 1
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