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MissPrice

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Posts posted by MissPrice

  1. Why are you worried about whether or not she likes you, if you aren't planning to pursue a relationship either way? She doesn't sound bipolar, she sounds like a teenager. It also sounds to me like you aren't being entirely honest with yourself, that in fact, you would like to pursue a relationship with her. Otherwise why care? But Quarter25's right, no amount of information you give on a message board can determine whether or not she likes you; the only way to know for sure would be to ask her. I wouldn't recommend that, not because you are cousins, but because 17 and 24 is a pretty big age gap, and she's not legally an adult.

  2. Guester, I completely understand the "I would never do anything that would harm my family" thing. My cousin and I, after admitting our feelings to each other, initially said we wouldn't pursue it because we couldn't imagine our family ever accepting it. That didn't last long though, and when we did tell our family, they were way more accepting than we expected. Our grandmother didn't even pause: "I'm not surprised, you two always had a special connection". Take a look at this thread: 

     

  3. So you and your cousin have been having a secret (or at least partly secret) relationship for close to 18 years? I'm not surprised that both of you have wanted to leave at times. That's not a healthy place to be. You say "I know we both don't have the courage to come out to the family and friends". Why not? What is it that you are both so afraid of? Is it an issue of religion, cultural beliefs, what? I would say that either way, you both need to make a choice, either to be together fully, or to both move on. If, as you say, "the best we will do is live in the shadows",  you see her as a sister rather than a wife (although it doesn't sound like you are married? if you are, that changes things), and you have cheated on her multiple times, this doesn't sound like a relationship you want to stay in. In which case, I would say you need to do the honorable thing and end it. You say you feel a responsibility towards her, but staying in a relationship you don't want and repeatedly betraying the person you are with isn't loyalty.

  4. I second Lady C. There is nothing wrong with your feelings for your cousin, but there is a right and wrong order to do things in. You don't have a right to tell her how you feel as long as you are engaged. I was engaged to a man for three years, and I knew the whole time that I was in love with my cousin. I considered a relationship between us impossible, but eventually I realized that it wasn't fair to my fiancee if I was always comparing him to my cousin, and he was always falling short, so I broke up with him. I left him thinking I would probably be single for a long time, but I ended up telling my cousin my feelings, even though I didn't think there was a chance for anything between us, and even though I believed that even if he did feel the same, our family would never accept us. We are married now, and our family does accept us. You'll never get what you want if you aren't willing to take risks. If your cousin cares about you at all, it is highly unlikely she will never speak to you again, and if she doesn't return your feelings, that's on you to carry. No matter what, you absolutely owe it to both yourself and your fiance to get a job and leave her, because you have put her in a very unfair situation.

  5. Hi Randomness - That sounds like a confusing situation. I suspect your cousin is confused too. You are both at an age where hormones are going crazy, which I remember all too well. That is perfectly natural, and entirely unavoidable. However, what you and your cousin are doing together is not a good idea. Any kind of cousin relationship is complicated, and when you are a teenager, you have way too much going on to get tangled up in that. Additionally, what you are describing doesn't sound like the beginning of a relationship, it sounds like your cousin sees you as someone safe she can explore her sexuality with. You are not safe though. You two will always be family. You aren't some random boy she can forget in a year. I can make the assumption that your family would not be happy if they found out. This is the sort of situation that could turn into something that could complicate things for years, for both of your. I would strongly recommend that you put some distance between the two of you.

  6. Hi Brynn - Ambra is absolutely right, now is not a time to pursue anything with your cousin. Relationships are challenging, and cousin relationships are more complicated than most, because of the family dynamic. As a teenager, you have enough to worry about without that. You are figuring out who you are, and what you want out of life. If you have feelings for your cousin later on, there is nothing wrong with pursuing that then. But right now, you are both dependent on your families, you are both evolving rapidly, and you are both too young to make the kind of commitment to each other that makes dealing with all the complications of a cousin relationship worth it. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I would recommend putting some space between yourself and your cousin for now.  

  7. Let me say again Krissy how sorry I am that you are in this situation. Being on my first marriage with my first cousin and unable to imagine myself with anyone else, I am a big believer in the sanctity of marriage, but I also know that life is long and messy, and we get ourselves into situations we couldn't have foreseen, and don't see good way out of. My cousin/husband was married before, and I had a three year engagement, and was lucky to get perspective before we married, or had children. I'm glad your cousin has spoken with a lawyer, but I know that's not the answer to everything, or even much comfort considering what you are going through, and the uncertainty of what you would face in a court. There are no easy answers, I know. Are you and your husband still talking? Relying on the courts would be expensive, stressful, and potentially have an awful outcome for your whole family and you especially, as you are clearly well aware. It seems to me that the best outcome happens through communication. Do you think that's a possibility?

    Please do keep us updated here, and let us know how we can support you. If I had gone through with that three year engagement and lived in Texas, I can easily imagine myself in your position (my ex-fiancee just finished law school, which would have been a nightmare, and I'm 31). I'm happy to talk to you here, and you are welcome to message me privately. You are not alone, and any system that would call you a sex offender for loving your cousin is absolutely wrong. 

  8. You might recommend that she look at this site. In the beginning, a lot of people feel like being part of a cousin couple is weird and isolating, and that their family will never accept it. I certainly did, and in the beginning my cousin and I decided we couldn't have a relationship because we didn't want to hurt our family. When we did tell them, one at a time, as we felt we were ready, the response was much more accepting than either of us would have imagined possible. With some people it took more time than with others, but now we are married, and in addition to our family knowing, our friends and many of my co-workers do as well. Not everyone has as easy a time as we have, but many find out that it's easier than they think. Additionally, being with a cousin isn't just a normal relationship with added stress, there are unique advantages too. I would suggest reading the post I wrote on that (below). Good luck!

     

  9. That sounds like a really tough situation. Have you spoken with a lawyer? If I were you, that would be the first thing I would do. What you are going through is exactly why the Texas law is so concerning. I can't personally relate to your story, but I'm so sorry to hear about it; people should never use children to threaten each other, and the fact that having a relationship with your cousin is a felony is so broken. Best of luck. 

  10. Wow, that's a long time to be in hiding. That must be very difficult on both of you. Have you ever discussed telling your family? How do you think they would react if you did?

    Can I ask where you live? Laws about cousin marriage vary by state. For example, my husband/cousin and I live in the state of Ohio in the US. We couldn't legally marry here, but we were able to go to Tennessee, marry, and have Ohio accept our marriage license. We didn't initally think our family would accept our relationship, but they did, and some of them are very happy about it. It is absolutey possible to marry your cousin, have kids, and live a normal life - I'm proof of part of that, and looking forward to the kids. :)

    I'm happy to talk to you about this here, or feel free to message me privately as well. I understand how difficult sorting out this kind of relationship can be, and you should know that you and your cousin are not alone.

  11. Hi Gabe - I don't mean this as any kind of personal judgement regarding you or your cousin, but it does open up a good topic, and I want to put this out there for anyone else who's considering a cousin relationship. Cousin relationships are inherently more complicated than non-consanguineous relationships, because you are always going to be related to that person no matter what. Twenty years in the future you might both be at a wedding or funeral of a shared relative, and you might be there with your respective partners/spouses. That kind of thing is bound to be awkward, and as you pointed out, even in the short-term, keeping that kind of secret is a big deal. I also get what you are saying about how hot taboo relationships can be; it can certainly add extra spice to a physical relationship. However, that's something that is pretty much guaranteed to fade with time, and then you are just left with the awkward. My husband/cousin and I have talked about how glad we are that we grew up far apart, and that we didn't see each other often when we were younger. In retrospect, it's easy for both of us to see that we were intensely attracted to each other from the time we started having those feelings for anyone, and if we had been around each other much, something would have happened when we were both too young for it to be a good thing. As it turned out for us, nothing happened until I was 29 and he was 32. It's also interesting for me to see in retrospect that my first serious boyfriend, who I spent seven years with, looked eerily like my cousin at the time. Point being, the feelings can be very real at times in life where a relationship of any kind could end badly, and this kind of relationship ending badly can cause problems in the family. It's particularly hard to take that into account when we're are young, and particularly important to take into account because of how much there is ahead of us, and how complicated young relationships are. 

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  12. I'm very happy for you both. :) I think it makes perfect sense to wait on telling your parents; we waited about three months. My dad was still concerned about what would happen if we broke up, because we'd still be cousins. I told him that I respected that, but that we were very serious about our relationship, and if we did ever break up we'd figure it out, but it was worth the risk. Life is long, but as of yet, I have no reason to regret that decision. What started as a more intense attraction than I'd felt before has grown into profound love, commitment, and trust that I wake up every day grateful for. I hope as much for you.

  13. RIVA, I'm so sorry that your parents are making things difficult for you, that must be tough. I know it's not the same as really knowing people, but you aren't alone, you have the whole community here to support you. It isn't fair to you that your parents aren't accepting your choice. I hope that with time they will learn to overcome their prejudices. In the meantime, I hope their disapproval doesn't hurt your relationship.

  14. What you are describing is attraction growing out of respect, admiration, and similarity of values. There is no better basis for a relationship that I know of. From my personal experience, if you try to use him as a bar for other men to reach, those men will disappoint you.

    It is wise to be more cautious getting into a relationship with a cousin than other relationships, because that person will always be a family member. 

    I recommend that you take a look at my post "The Benefits of Cousin Relationships". There are both pluses and minuses to this type of relationship, but I'm obviously prejudiced that at least in some cases the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks.

    Good luck!

  15. This is a post I've been meaning to write for a while, because I see so many people struggling with their feelings, and with how the world will/is responding. And I too struggled for years, and thought the idea of being with my cousin was impossible, and thought that if we were together, if by some chance he felt about me the way I felt about him, things would be impossibly hard.

    We've been married for about two months now. At the very least, members of our family(ies) accept us, and some of them are very happy we're together. Our friends all know and accept us. We are very lucky, and our world is not going to be what everyone gets, but I've learned that there are some advantages to cousin relationships that most relationships don't have, and I want to share that, because I think a lot of you don't know that, and are scared and confused, and I want you to know that not only are cousin relationships NOT impossible, but there are some things that make them special.

    So, for one thing. If/when your family accepts your relationship, here's a big plus: you are both invested in the same people. When our mutual grandmother (she just turned 87 and lives by herself) needs help, we are both right there to do everything we can. If one of us is more available than the other, that person spends the night at her house. If she's not feeding herself right, we both remind her of that, and if one of us decides to buy her nutritional supplements out of our grocery fund, the other one is happy about that. This is our family. We take care of them, and we both know why, and we both agree on that.

    Related, if there is a disagreement in the family, we send in the one of us who is best positioned to handle it. So, my husband/cousin's mother's husband (no relation to either of us) emailed the family saying he thought we should all come together and force our grandmother (again, no relation of his) into assisted living. And we talked about how to respond, and in that case my husband/cousin handled it beautifully. And I'm the one who calls our grandmother at least once a week, and tells her we both love her, and checks in on how she's doing, because I'm better on the phone.

    All of the above is about family, which is really important. But the personal is even more important. My husband/cousin and I saw each other a couple of times a year when we were kids. We didn't see each other for about ten years from adolescence to adulthood. After that, we saw each other again about twice a year, until I moved close to him and things got complicated. But at that point, I already knew him. I'd known him my whole life. We always talked freely about our relationships to each other. I watched him be a father to another woman's three girls, who weren't his, until she made it impossible for him. I knew what he would be like in a relationship before I was ever with him. I knew his strengths, and his flaws, just as he knew mine. And I knew that his strengths were exactly what I needed, and I knew that I complimented his flaws. I walked into this relationship knowing exactly what I was walking into, and loving him for who he is. 

    To me, that's the most powerful potential about a cousin relationship. That you can know the other person, so well, on other terms, before you become romantically involved or commit to them. That's not something most people get to have.

    Anyone who reads this and is struck by it, or anyone who is struggling with the possibility of a cousin relationship, please feel free to respond here, or to message me directly.

    And for those of you who are in happy cousin relationships: anything to add?

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    • Upvote 3
  16. If Lady C is correct that you can't marry in IL, you might look into the possibility of marrying in another state and seeing if IL will accept it. I say that because my husband/first cousin and I couldn't legally marry in Ohio, but Ohio recognizes marriages from other states even if those marriages couldn't legally take place IN Ohio... so we got married in TN.

    It's a headache for sure, good luck!

  17. I didn't mean to minimize your concerns either, and I hope it didn't sound that way. My point was just to let you know that you aren't alone, and that things can work out. When my cousin/husband and I first kissed (he was 33, I was 29), I didn't think there was any possibility of having a remotely normal relationship, but we do now, except it's incomparably better than any other relationship I've ever been in. I've been meaning for a while to write a post about some of the advantages of cousin relationships, something I think could be talked about more - things like levels of trust, being invested in the same family, stuff like that.

    I get the insecurity thing though. For months I would randomly ask him "have I scared you away yet?" and sometimes he would go to work, or just into another aisle at the grocery store, and I would think "Welp, I imagined all of this. He was never here, or he's never coming back, or something, because this is obviously too good to be true."

    Feel free to message me directly if you'd like to talk more, and best wishes!

    • Upvote 1
  18. I would recommend you poke around this site, and look at other people's experiences. Many of us on this site are happily in relationships with first cousins, a closer relationship than what you are considering. I don't think your marriage would be a legal issue anywhere in the world, and there shouldn't be any biological reason you couldn't have children, although you could always get genetic testing if you're concerned. Family dynamics can be a challenge, but you didn't mention being worried about that, and families usually learn to accept eventually.

    There's no logical reason for you to be terrified, so if you are into him. give it a shot. ;) 

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  19. It would help to know how old you and your cousin are, and what country you live in. Did you and your cousin/bf ever talk about the possibility of being open with your friends and family about your relationship? Keeping a relationship secret for four years would be tough on anyone. You say you could never have a normal relationship. but my cousin and I have been together openly for two years, and got married a couple of months ago. It was scary telling people at first, especially our immediate family, and it took some time for some of them to accept it (although our shared grandmother was thrilled). Things are a little more complicated when you are cousins, but the barriers to a happy relationship aren't insurmountable. Some people will always judge this type of relationship, but some people will judge you no matter what you do. If your bf doesn't want a secret relationship, why not suggest that it not be secret?

  20. I'm sorry to hear that he's not the person you were hoping to be friends with anymore. He certainly doesn't appear to be someone worth spending time or energy on. It sounds like you might be in the best possible place with him - you don't need to maintain zero contact anymore, which is always challenging with a family member, but you don't need to let him get close to you either, since it seems like all he cares about is himself. If I were you, I wouldn't waste any more time thinking about him.

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