I’m a 30 year old female and my male cousin is 40. We saw each other sporadically growing up, at most once a year, despite living within mere miles of each other and it wasn’t until we were both adults that we became close friends. I invited him for Christmas with my family one year and we have seen each other regularly since and always talk to each other.
When I was a teenager I remember always wanting to impress him and secretly fancying him although this must have been quite obvious as a couple of family members commented. As adults I have not experienced the same comments.
Also as adults I knew he was my cousin and he was therefore a no go zone. I remember that he always used to have girlfriends but since we have become close he hasn’t had one proper romantic interest. Whereas I’m married.
We used to talk about his romantic interests quite frequently but I’ve noticed that for the last two years he has not. Nor does he say to me anymore about meeting anyone else just that he doesn’t feel he can offer the whole package at the moment.
When me and my husband got engaged I told my cousin that I thought it was going to happen and he always visits at the time of year it happened but this particular year he was set against it, said he wouldn’t come and said it was because he liked a girl.
Fast forward to the wedding and he was there and at the end of the night whilst my husband was out of the room he hugged me in a bear like manner and when I went to pull away he pulled me back in and we stood like that for ages. It was when I first got the tingle of something more. On my wedding day! I wanted to stay like that forever. Now though he is always the first to end a hug.
We have always had a jokey relationship and I guess at times I consider myself flirting with him but we are cousins so I didn’t think it would go anywhere.
Recently we were hanging out for a couple of nights alone and our interactions got a little more playful and he said a number of times after pulling away ‘what would your husband think’.
Throughout those nights together I constantly was dying to kiss him but I’m not the type to go in. I tried to give him plenty of opportunity but he didn’t go in.
However he kept bringing up stories or discussions about sex. It may all be wishful thinking on my part but it felt like he was testing the waters.
Throughout those nights I felt like he was giving me certain looks and he was really making me want to make the first move.
He has also looked at me like that since and every time the tension appears he brings up a topic related to sex.
Since then it’s been much the same sort of scenario where it feels to me like it is always something that’s simmering just beneath the surface. It feels like the tension between us is something solid. The way he looks at me sometimes makes me feel he’s hungry. I have to force myself to stay strong and resist. It feels like wer constantly baiting the other. But I’m scared it’s all in my head.
It’s not just physical either. I regard him as my person. He’s the person to cheer me up, that I want to tell things to and I yearn to be with him.
He doesn’t live close by and every time he leaves I fall in to a slump of sadness, I miss him like crazy and even though we haven’t touched each other in any way I just want to hold his hand and have him close.
I feel he likes me and feels the same way but if he doesn’t I could damage our relationship. I couldn’t ever lose him. It brings me to tears thinking about never seeing him again.
I just don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I want to speak to my friends about it but I fear they will judge me.
Please help me, I need to know how to broach the subject without putting what we do have at risk.
Or do you think I’m just imagining it?
My relationship with my husband is not perfect but we are best of friends, sometimes that is all we feel like so I don’t want to hurt him for nothing.
I almost wish my cousin will be searching for answers too and I hope he sees this.
I don’t care about family backlash, I care for him too deeply. Please help.