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A.R Wright

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Everything posted by A.R Wright

  1. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    Well good news to this Lord of the Rings length ramble of mine. It seems my cousin and I have reconnected. He was incredibly sick for a while and has explained himself. As for the dating it seems to be a long process. He is still hesitant to see me in person but we have gone back to flirtatiously texting. If anyone is still listening, you've got to be a champ to have made it to page two haha, I am just wondering if I should pursue him further. We have both backed off quite a bit and I have stopped asking him to come into the city. But he seems much more open to texting and we enjoy chatting with each other. Men are confusing sometimes. Should I take this as shyness? I am trying to be patient but I want to enter into a serious relationship and he seems to afraid of the repercussions. Anyways if anyone's still listening how did you deal with the initial hurdle of the beginning stages of a relationship?
  2. This is possibly the hardest thing that I have ever done. I did not know where else to turn as this has been eating me up inside for a very long time. I find, and I am sure some others will agree with me, that being in love with your cousin, or, coming out as I call it, is worse than being Gay or Trans in Western Culture. I have found that the prejudice and disgust I get from most people even when, jokingly, I suggest I could possibly be in love with my cousin. And I am. Signing up to this forum to get this horrible thing off my chest was harder than I care to admit and I didn't want to even use my real email address in case it was hacked. Long winded introduction aside I have been in love with my second cousin for over twenty years. Even since I was a small child. I thought it was a phase and I was even told, by my therapist whom I have been seeing for nine years, that it was and that I would get over it. I have stopped seeing her as even she said to me it is something that I should, under no circumstances pursue and that it is something that I shouldn't even discuss with the cousin in question. I felt that, this deep dark secret isn't something that was safe from anyone, even my therapist the person I thought I could trust with this. What frustrates me is that my our family appears to be lenient when it comes to ALL OTHER forms of love. A 70 year old dating a teenager? No problem as long as she's legal. A man marrying 5 times in the course of 7 years? Who hasn't? But this, this seems to be the one thing that both of us have to hid for the rest of our lives. Every time I see him he gives me these looks which I know are longing. We have been on a few dates and it hurts now even to look at him. He seems to be ashamed of how he feels about me. Anything he says to me now is so completely innocuous that I don't know who he is anymore. I think of him every single day, I can't sleep or eat and what's worse is I can't tell anyone why. My mother thinks i'm depressed and I am but not for the reasons she thinks. I never thought something like love would kill me slowly but it is. As for him? Last year at our Christmas get together we were being especially affectionate towards each other. No kissing or anything like that but we were obviously infatuated with each other. The looks from my Aunts and Uncles were of utter disgust. As if, we shouldn't even be able to express how we feel without being physically affectionate. He has not seen me all year and I feel like this might be why. He never tells me how he feels, it's always just looks. Anytime we're alone together I am happier than I could ever imagine. I know that I will never love anyone as much as I love him. I want to tell him so badly how I feel but I feel so ashamed of myself. I hate myself for falling in love with him and it seems that everyone around me is telling me it's wrong. All I needed to do was right this down. Sometimes I can't stop crying because I know that no matter how hard we try our love story will never have a happy ending.
  3. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    Oh well. I have tried staying in touch. I have been sending him the occasional hello how are you since Christmas. It's very hard to give up on someone when you know you love them and would do anything for them. I just needed to vent. I can't exactly vent to my mother about it and even my therapist thinks my love for my cousin is wrong. Thanks for your help and support. I know we will see eachother at the next family event, that being next October, so it's not the end of the world. Maybe we will be able to have a conversation about our feelings then. I was hoping he would make the effort and come into the city to see me but obviously he doesn't care enough about me to do so or is ashamed that he ever did. I will always love him which is unfortunate for me. I am very grateful to have found somewhere to discuss. It's hard keeping all of this inside for so long. Thanks again.
  4. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    What a holiday. Things did not go as planned unfortunately. My grandparents did not end up going. They were afraid to drive in the storm. Things have taken a weird turn since then. I thought I was handling things delicately enough but it seems that, either I am being deeply paranoid, of our family has caught wind of our under the radar romance/my unrequited love for my cousin. Since Christmas he has been sending me deeply impersonal text messages and for almost ten days I have heard nothing from him. The last time we spoke and I told him things might not work out he said and I quote "If you can make it that would be great if not I'll probably be able to come into the city during the break! I'm sure we'll see eachother during the break!" Of course Christmas holidays are over and I have heard nothing. The last message I got from him was "I know it's too bad they couldn't make it. Hope you and the family had a great holiday" a d nothing since then. I feel like maybe I let things slip and revealed too much about my feelings for him. I don't believe he is encouraged to see me and that he is intentionally staying away because of my feelings for him. It's especially troubling since when we're together I can feel his love for me. He used to be so affectionate and caring. Now I feel like I'm out in the cold. I guess love does not conquer all after all.
  5. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    He and I would get married one day* Forum *
  6. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    Sorry for the various spelling errors. Tis the season to be running around in circles shopping so I typed this response out on my phone. I actually imagined he and I are getting married. We are so similar and is clear to both of us that we love each other. I'm reiterating again that I'm so happy I found this for him and other people who had the courage to pursue true love in the face of adversity and, more importantly, the Wrath or potential Wrath of their families. Possibly the greatest hurdle of all, at least in my eyes
  7. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    I certainly understand not reading the whole thing lady see! It is a very long and complicated story :-) as for why I'm not standing up to her. We have a very difficult relationship and even though I have graduated college and I'm starting a first career things are still a bit tense. It's not really so much that I am afraid of disobeying her it's more that going up to the suburbs where he lives has become technically complicated. It's the same reason that I didn't go to Thanksgiving or to the summer home during this past summer. It involved getting a drive from one of my siblings and then being picked up and taken to this particular place. I will admit I am feeling intimidated by her words and confused about my feelings. As for this particular Christmas the monkey wrench really is that weird now down to one car. My brother is going away for work and he was both my brother and I ride. It is particularly difficult to get to the supper by transit and considering the event is on Christmas day that makes it even more complex. I have actually been hemming and hawing as to whether to go with my grandparents who are also going out to this family event. The reason I haven't high is because my father's family is celebrating this day and I am being made to feel like I'm abandoning them for doing so. My sincere hope is that we'll see each other during this holiday. I certainly am tired of being under the Iron Fist of her and I am going to try my best to stand up to her. Something that I don't usually do. She was certainly successful in planting the seeds of doubt and I began to feel that my feelings were him we're just brought on by loneliness and mental illness. However I do have quite a lot of friends and the only reason I'm depressed is that I was looking forward to seeing him all year. I'm going to try and bring up the courage to pose the question of going with my grandparents. It is strange this is something I feared talking to anybody about because I was so ashamed and now I fear talking to my own mother about it about it.
  8. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    An unfortunate update to the story. I have been told that we are not going for Christmas this year. I don't know why but apparently my mom says we absolutely have to do Christmas with my fathers side on Christmas day. I was furious and distraught. I still don't understand why we don't do what we used to do which is rotate and do Christmas with my father family one year on Christmas day and the Next year rotate it to boxing day. I am completely numb. She told me about three weeks ago and since then I have been in and out of a deep depression. I no longer care about Christmas. We were supposed to go up there in the afternoon to visit as a kind of compromise but my brother is going away for work and has to leave Christmas day in order to get there on time. So no we have no way of getting up there in the afternoon as he has the car. I don't know what to do with myself so I am writing on this forum. My mother and I had a very long talk about my relationship with my cousin. I broke down in tears when she told me that we were'nt going up to the suburbs to see that side of the family. I couldn't stop crying and I even told her that he is one of the few people that makes me truly happy. I told her how I felt about him completely and her response was well, interesting. She told me that the relationship I have with him is an illusion likely brought on by depression and the fact that I associate him with a time long past, a happier time, my childhood. And that anything deeper I felt was just nostalgia manifested by loneliness and not enough to do. She re-iterated that she felt that it was his responsibility to make the effort to see me and that we were only going to go up there every two years from now on. Which made me so furious considering we NEVER see that side of the family and we see my father's side all the damn time. That she made her choice and that my fathers family is more important to her. I have tried many times to see him this year. That side goes up to their summer home where we used to have a place before the recession. He wanted me to come then. I didn't. At thanksgiving I didn't see him. We have been in touch all year and I have been told again and again that it should be him to make the effort. I have wanted to see him but I been told again and again by my mother that that side of the family is so too faced that I shouldn't trust that he really wants to see me. That what we had was nothing more that being cousins. Not even a friendship. I don't know if she was trying to plant the seeds of doubt but it seems to have worked. I feel that my feelings are being manipulated by my family. I thought I knew that I loved him and I am sure I still do. I don't know why this is happening and I am not sure where to go from here. He sent me a text after I told him that I probably wouldn't be able to come and he said the following "Hey! If you are able to come down to the dirty B that afternoon that would be great. If not i'll probably be able to go into T to hang out over the break. I'm sure we'll see each other over the break!" I believe him and I love him and always will. If I am in a toxic relationship it is with my family and the sooner he and I are independent the better. I feel that we are both being kept apart by our families. Both of us, unfortunately, still live at home. Which was fine, but now that it is becoming a toxic block it is harder to bear. I don't feel his family encourages him to see me either. I am hoping that he is telling me the truth and that one way or another we will see each other during the break.
  9. 20/20 segment with LadyC and others.

    Thank you for this post. I have been struggling with falling in love with my second cousin. I am so grateful for this forum. This video really gives you some insight as to how ridiculous it is to ban cousin marriage. Why is everyone else allowed happiness but not us?
  10. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    Sorry and I also meant to add a After don't judge too harshly I am sure you're not judging FBW you just have not experienced it for yourself which is completely understandable. Also thank you Serendipity! Once I climb out of purgatory (I am doing odd jobs to jet by but honestly being in-between jobs in an expensive city is like living in purgatory) maybe my cousin and I can have a happy ending of sorts. We will see. I will definitely be sharing the outcome of our conversation in December. Thank you so much again. It was your words Pooch that encouraged me to have a serious discussion with my mother and friend about my cousin. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I am finally being honest with my feelings and don't feel like I am somewhere where I will constantly be shamed for feeling this way. Here's hoping there will be another chapter to my love story
  11. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    Thanks again! My class just finished so I have a quick response. As for my previous relationship on a final note. Things were actually quite happy for sometime before things went south so to speak. We did manage to sort out his possessiveness and I was pursing a career that I thought I enjoyed. There was drama, as with all relationships but we did love each other very much. It was a learning experience for both of us and as for time, I consider it precious time spent. It is extremely complicated, as I said, and difficult to explain in full, which makes it seem much more drama filled than it is. We did actually officially end things almost two years ago so in reality it has been an off again off again thing. I have been very involved in school and work so I haven't really had the time or want to be in a dedicated relationship. I wouldn't judge FBW relationships too harshly. Although it is not conventional, we have both put our drama out the door and focused on being their for each other as friends. I find it is much more constructive for the both of us this way. When I said I didn't want to hurt him, at the time, and I know that was only I week ago, he was beginning to send me mixed messages about our relationship. The marriage and kids conversation didn't even come up until we were three years into our relationship. Neither of us had really thought of it and were caught up in, what at the time, was a bit of a whirlwind romance. We have had an in depth discussion about this relationship I have with my cousin and the feelings I have harbored for him. My friend (I think that's a more accurate way to describe him ) told me how he felt about it and we discussed what he thought I should do about it. I am actually Canadian so it is legal here it is just considered immoral among most people. My friend is not seeing anyone at the moment and we see each other once a week at best. We discuss our careers and the like but we are finally on the same page with regards to our relationship. As for my cousin, I am a complex women and so I am sure there will be much to discuss when I see him. I am by no means going to pursue anything until I have my career and my relationships fully sorted out. My last intent is to laded an already extremely controversial relationship with excess baggage. My hope is that we can both come to an understanding of how the other feels, cards on the table, and maybe where we both are at. Even if things don't pan out I do miss being as close as I used to be with him so I am hoping at the very least for a repaired friendship. I am past the knight in shining armor complex I had and am ready to face reality with an open heart. A lot of things have happened this week. I have come to terms with a great deal and that initial post seems to me like a distant tear filled cry of a desperate girl. whatever may be may be but I am glad to have been able to hash this out among like minded folks with similar conundrums.
  12. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    I should also make it clear that my cousin and I, our date, was really just catching up to get a coffee. We were probably more affectionate towards each other than we should have been I suppose but this was two years ago and my boyfriend and I had been trying a trial separation so to speak. I should also say I probably do need quite a bit of clarification from my cousin. We have both been told our entire lives that the feelings we have for each other are morally wrong. I was constantly reprimanded by my Aunt and Uncle even just for being so close to him. If he feels anything for me he is burying it deeper than I ever have. B is the suburb he lives in and T is the city I live in. I don't think that I would be pursuing it right away I just think I need to get my love for him off my chest and tell him to relieve 20 years of pain and heartache. I want to know how he truly feels about me and maybe at that point either we will both be too chicken sh** to do anything about it and continue in a relationship half heartedly for the rest of our lives or there will be some sort of discovery. As for my boyfriend he knows and feels that I am morally wrong for feeling the way I do. We both have physical needs that we fulfill for each other, but long term I see no future.
  13. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    Hello again! again I am so glad that I found this forum I cannot tell you. I have felt so lost and alone that I couldn't even tell my therapist. Anyways I do have quite a lengthy response but I was so happy to hear advice I am typing part one during my class break. I have an extremely complex relationship with my current boyfriend. And at this point, to be fair, I wouldn't even consider it a relationship. We are friends with benefits at best. For the first four years of our relationship it was certainly amazing. I had thought, wow I am finally in love again, and was completely dedicated and ready to be serious. Things fell apart rather quickly as I discovered that he is extremely possessive and disappointed me over and over again. I won't go too into it but after about four years I felt that I was ready to move on. We never moved in together and we see each other once or twice a week at best. In the beginning it was more often. I did love him at one point but it has become clear to me that I am no longer in love with him. When I reunited with my cousin four years ago it was clear to me that I was still in love with him. I suppressed this and did make a concerted effort to salvage my current relationship. Recently I did actually confess to my boyfriend that I was in love with my cousin. I asked him why he thought my cousin was staying away from me and he said that because it is morally wrong and that he felt my cousin didn't want to be tempted to "do something stupid". We certainly have hurt each other in the past but for the past three years I have been very much more honest and forthcoming when it comes to my feelings. I do not feel like I am cheating on him as we both know where we stand in terms of our relationship. It is mostly physical and we are fulfilling each others needs. He has made it clear that he is not interested in marriage, I am. He wants kids, I don't. We are on two completely different planes in terms of values and understanding each other. As for my cousin, he probably does feel like I have some baggage but then again who doesn't? Otherwise the world would be a perfect place with no divorce lol. At first I though I was seeing him as a shining knight on a white horse type of situation (you know, come save me from my sorrow and this terrible relationship) But as time went on and my relationship became more transparent I realized that of course, I can only save myself from sadness, and that my relationship was a dead end. I guess I do need a clean break but for the past year we have make it very clear that we are just friends who sleep together not boyfriend and girlfriend. I guess I should have made that more clear. I certainly don't want to B.S anyone especially someone I care about and I do still care about this man I just am no longer in love with him. Something I have told him myself. What I am hoping will come out of this Christmas is more of an understanding of where my cousin stands so to speak. I have just been feeling this way for a very long time. I even told my mother in a very obscure way. She warned me that it is a Davies trait (her side of the family) to get more than they give and not to get myself hurt. She warned me that that side of the family can be selfish and two faced and to make sure that I don't get hurt. I told her I missed him so much and that I wanted to see him so badly. She told me to let him come to me as I was they one to go up to the suburb where he lives and see him rather than him driving to the city to see me. It's 30 minutes in good traffic I should say, 45 in bad. He said he wanted to come to the city where I live. I believe him and I want to believe he hasn't changed for the worse and that he means what he says. As for the quiet attitude, he is a deeply shy and self conscious man my mom also told me not to take his withdrawal personally. She says its amazing that he texts me since that side of the family is so unreliable. There is a long and hurtful history behind her words and I am hoping to discover on December 25th that the love of my life is different.
  14. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    Last thing, can't sleep, and I hope I am not misreading signs here but the reason why I feel like his feelings for me have gotten stronger is that when we reunited we went on a date for the first time. Usually we were just spending time we each other at family gatherings and the like. It was a bit awkward but I was very affectionate and he seemed very comfortable and willing for me to stroke his hair, touch his hands etc. As we were leaving I caught him looking at me as though he was going to kiss me. He then awkwardly hugged me and left for work. The second time we saw each other he never wanted to be more than a few feet from me and had his arm around me when people weren't looking. I keep catching him giving me these looks and staring. But when I try and talk to him alone he just gets all quiet. And I have been asking to see him for a year now and he rarely responds. I am flummoxed. Anytime I see him I seem to be the center of his world but if we are not together I feel like he has forgotten about me. Yet when I mentioned I would be coming for Christmas (sometimes we do things on my fathers side that day) he seemed genuinely excited. I am dealing with an Enigma. Anyways that's all I have really in terms of his perspective.
  15. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    Also to clarify last year he was living a city three hours from he and now is in a suburb a 35-40 minute drive away. thats what he meant by closer
  16. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    Sorry to Clarify my cousin has had two girlfriends in the past and is currently single not my boyfriend lol
  17. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    Hey thank you for your thoughtful response it has given me a lot to chew on. Especially concerning him. There are a lot of UN-answered questions I have myself like how he really feels. This is why I am going to confront him when is see him. He seems like he is ashamed to show affection towards me because of our families response now and in the past. When we are alone together he is deeply affectionate and very open to me being overtly affectionate towards him. That is when no-one is around. I don't think he would be ashamed and maybe we would see each other more often if it weren't for our family members. As for baggage, as with many people, I do have a bit of a past and have struggled with serious depression. I lost my job a year and a half ago and have gone back to school to upgrade my resume. I am slowly getting my life back on track and he is currently substitute teaching about 45 minutes from where I live. As for background, which I know I didn't go into I have been in a relationship with a man for about seven years. He has had two girlfriends in the past and I am pretty sure he is currently single. My cousin and I didn't see each other for six years and reunited four years ago at a birthday party for my great Uncle. We walked together and that is when i realized that the current relationship I was in was based on a lie. At least a little bit. I was still desperately in love with my cousin and had not fully gotten over him, despite feeling, hoping and convincing myself that i was in love with this other man. Recently it has gotten to the point where being intimate with my boyfriend doesn't feel right unless I close my eyes and pretend it's my cousin. I don't want to hurt him anymore so I am trying to break up with him. It has been slow and painful since I want to remain friends but I want to make it clear that it is nothing more than that. I think if we were to pursue each other things would be very tense with our families and we might possibly be banished as in, be told by our parents that they don't want to see us anymore. Best case scenario if we were to get together and, in my wildest fantasies, get married either they would come around and just silently accept that we were a couple or they were embrace that fact that both of us, who to be frank have been suffering to varying degrees over this as in never having a successful relationship, were finally happy and in love. This Christmas I am going to be testing the waters, to see if he is finally willing to say what he is thinking. And it does bother me that it is such an issue with our family. We are both consenting adults in love and It frustrated me to know end that I feel like I have this burning secret on the tip of my tongue that is destroying me slowly. He hasn't told me whether not he is currently, as in the past few months, been in a relationship but he works every single day and weekends so the likelihood is none-to-slim. I did confess in a way I said via text "When my birthday comes around I miss you. I love you and I miss spending time together" His response as usual was rather innocuous, "I understand how you feel but at least we are closer now. I am living in B and would love to come to T sometime." I had no idea what to make of that.
  18. Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

    He and I are not married. We are the same age and have just started new careers so we haven't been able to see much of one another. I have posed the question hypothetically to my family to sense if they indeed would be offended by our relationship and it seems that it is the last thing I would be allowed to pursue. I am seeing him this Christmas though so I have going to talk to him seriously. After 20 plus years of hemming and hawing it's time to lay the cards on the table. I am in the process of leaving my relationship as it has become clear to me that I am too in love with him to be in a relationship. I feel like I am playing pretend when I am with anyone else. He is not in a relationship that I am aware of and has had two past relationships. I don't know if it has to do with me, but it seems that he has not been successful in any long term relationships. To be honest a few things have happened between us in the past and we were caught by my Uncle, his father, on more than one occasion. Nothing sexual but we use to enjoy dancing together and apparently that was far enough. I am so glad I found this forum because I have truly been suffering. I didn't know being in love could cause food to lose its' taste or for concentrating on anything to be impossible. Really it is the fact that we are cousins that is the hurdle. At least for him. He seems to be too ashamed of how he feels to express himself in any way. My plan is to ask him how he feels about me so at least I know. So much has happened between us that I don't believe I am making an erroneous assumption by saying he has feelings for me. Thank you for responding. I feel hopeless but less alone