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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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phasechange

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About phasechange

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  1. 1st Cousins, Relationship Advice, Family Help

    Wow! Where do I start? Honestly, truly speaking from my being, your words are extremely encouraging. I came here looking for experience and man did I find it. I read and re-read what you wrote numerous times. Your words hit me hard, not in a bad way but in an emotional way. No shame in admitting it, it brought a few tears to my eyes, I had to stop and listen to music and get back to reading. My cousin, ahem I mean my girlfriend, see what I did there has been following this thread and I hope she will read it after I fall asleep later (our work schedules are different) -- I'm sure she will. Well let's continue this shall we? We are both in the same timezone, I used to think of it as a distance thing but after browsing through the forums and reading your posts here, I can see we really do have it easier despite all the hardships. She wants me to move there, and I want her to move here. I have no difficulties moving but our entire family literally is in Canada. I'm not sure I want to be around them, I feel like they would create more stress onto our relationship. I'd rather her be here away from them and I as well. At the very least, atleast my immediate family will give us support. I'm not against it though, as long as she is willing to deal with it. Sometimes it's better to remove yourself from the problem if you're not willing to fight the problem, know what i'm saying? The one thing I can say about our relationship is there is alot of honesty and openness. I hold no punches and she doesn't either. To answer your other question, no I'm not seeing or messing around with anyone else. I don't want to hurt her. She is the sun to my earth. Can't think of any other way to phrase it. I commend you and your significant other, you definitely have been through similar hurdles as we are (me and mine). I'd glad to hear things are going strong, all the best! The fact your posts are long shows alot. You clearly must find the similarities in my situation that I do with yours. Thanks, seriously for taking the time to share your insight with me (and my girlfriend who's reading). It has helped me immensely and given me hope. Maybe you can tell her something directly! She's the type of girl who needs a push to get started moving, you know? Amazing advice, thanks.
  2. 1st Cousins, Relationship Advice, Family Help

    She lives with her parents yea. She has her own job and makes her own money but still lives under their roof. I don't mind visiting for the weekend as originally planned, the issue being what excuse she will have to tell her mom to spend it with me away from her home. She definitely has some growing to do but her intentions are in the right place I feel. It's just the matter of making those intentions reality through action. Pooch you have some amazing insight bro. Honestly. Yes we do have to respect her relationship with her mom. Agreed. She's amazingly beautiful and funny. It is hard to resist good looks, but being in a LDR with her, I've learned to not only appreciate the looks but lacking physical contact as in a typical relationship, I learned to love her other characteristics as well. As mentioned we've talked for years and she was the first one to open her feelings to me, It must of taken me atleast a year after to finally open my heart to her and let her know that I love her as well. The future is a common topic that gets brought up and we both have the same intentions, to spend the rest of our lives together. It's just the mental roadblocks holding us back, atleast on her end. I'm way more brave and challenging while she is more timid and cautious. The flowers, man did she love the crap out of them. Literally adored them until the day they died. I actually had them delivered to her job but she went out of way to bring them home on 2 trains and 2 buses. Your deduction is correct about her dating history, I am her first boyfriend. She's not into partying, clubbing and doesn't even like to drink alcohol. As for her dad, he's a lot more open minded than her mom according to her, I haven't seen or spoke to him in over 2 decades but who knows how he would react to this? Your words are encouraging and I appreciate them, I don't have any intentions to break things off with her due to current circumstances. I guess you are right, letting things play out while being cautious myself is probably the best bet. You spoke of your cousin? Did you guys end up together?
  3. 1st Cousins, Relationship Advice, Family Help

    My cousin doesn't feel comfortable with me talking to her mom as she's afraid of her mom making her home life more stressful and taxing. Honestly I don't think my aunt would even pick up the phone to speak to me. I don't think she's ready nor has the words to talk to me 1 on 1. I still felt it right to extend her an open invitation to speak to me as I'm the man and it's what I felt best.
  4. 1st Cousins, Relationship Advice, Family Help

    I sent her a message on Whatsapp. It basically was a greeting and I extended her an invitation to feel free to speak to me about everything. I told her if I was busy at the time of contact that I will promptly get back to her and I wished her well. She read it almost instantly and it's been quite a few days and she hasn't replied yet. I doubt she will. After the text she asked my cousin to cut off all contact with me.
  5. 1st Cousins, Relationship Advice, Family Help

    I appreciate everyone and anyone who would take the time to give input into this situation regardless. It's really a difficult situation and any and all help I'm thankful for. We saw each other last in July of this year. I was planning on visiting her in January but with the current state of things with her mother, I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I want to do the right thing for her, I really do. If waiting on her while being in a relationship with her is the right thing I will do it. It's extremely scary the uncertainty of the situation, I could wait and months and months can go by only for her to realize she can't disappoint her mother and will have to let me go. I'm coming to terms with having to accept uncertainty if we are to work and it's not easy for me to do, by nature I'm a very meticulous person who likes to plan and have a set path I follow in all my endeavors. She really does care about me it's just the situation with her mother has her riding the middle lane, maybe she is hoping for it all to blow over? I'm not sure, I try to talk to her and she doesn't have answers to give me, she is really torn. All she can do is ask for me to give her some time and I understand, but I also have a duty to myself too. Hope this was clear, it's not easy to talk about feelings.
  6. I'm 32 Male and she is 24 Female, we are 1st cousins and both currently dating. She lives in Canada and I in New York. We didn't grow up together and reconnected about 4 years ago after over a decade of no contact. We immediately clicked and have been talking non stop since then. We've become best friends in that time (talking nearly every single day) and about a year ago things got pretty serious. 3 months ago we started dating. She's a very timid girl with a controlling mom so she doesn't have much exposure to real life struggles and decision making on her own. Her mom (my aunt) recently found out about us from a card I sent along with flowers that she accidentally happened upon. She is absolutely against the idea of us dating because we are family and she keeps telling my cousin how she will ruin her image in the family. She is so against her daughter dating me that she constantly tells her to leave me or she will cut her off, among many other idle threats including telling her brother and father, these threats keep getting postponed as my cousin ignores her "By next week or else!" "By end of the month or else!" "By new years or else!", etc. The problem is my girlfriend can't seem to stand up to her mom and is constantly stressed that her mom doesn't accept our relationship. She is afraid of losing her mom and also losing me. I told my mom about us and surprisingly my mom is totally on board and has even given my cousin advice on how to deal with her mom (my mom's sister) which includes standing up for what she wants in a respectful manner explaining that my aunt will get over it in time as she wouldn't exile her only daughter (My mom has much experience with 3 daughters who some are wed to people she didn't agree with at first). My mom and her mom even had a 5 minute phone conversation that got cut short and my aunt officially knows now that my mom knows as well. She's afraid to visit me because of what trouble her mom will cause with her. Even if I visit her I don't know if she will be able to spend a weekend with me. She's unsure on how to proceed without her mom's approval. We've gotten into a few arguments about it, because it's frustrating to me that she hasn't reached the point in life where she realizes her own life & happiness comes before anyone else, she only has 1 life to live. We love each other and it's very hard to be without one another and she tells me this over and over but she clearly has mental roadblocks to overcome. She mentioned her mom will not accept us & has asked me to wait on her to build up the courage and/or strength to overcome this. I'm conflicted about this because my brain is saying I will end up getting hurt in the end and it's best to give her the time she needs to mature mentally but on the other hand my heart is in pain at the thought of not being with her. It's very confusing and I feel like i'm wearing my heart on my sleeve. She wants me but she also wants her mom's acceptance, she wants us to have a normal family life from the get go but I can't see that happening due to my aunt. I'm sure in time she will get over it but definitely not right now. I seriously need advice from people who are in similar shoes or have been. This is why I made an account to post here. I appreciate all feedback including things I may not want to hear, I'm here to seek the truth in answers or atleast guidance in the right direction, thanks!
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