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Louisa

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  1. Yeah we weren’t in the USA and 2nd cousins so being related is less of an issue also something we would have been able to work passed although initially it was a bit confronting for me. Our families would have been ok eventually and we would have had each other so I wouldn’t have worried if someone had an issue. Yes the infidelity was the bigger of the issues and all that goes with that. The thing is there are many people you are compatible with in life. It’s all about the decision you make, the commitments you already have and all those important things. That’s normal controllable and part of life. This attraction was different and the point I’m making I guess. If you aren’t available to be together, trying to have some other type of relationship might not be doable despite the best intentions. There are a lot of people on here describing the same thing so there is obviously something to it that is more than noticing someone new. So yeah, people come on here saying they meet a cousin and it’s a big crazy thing but the are committed, the advice they get is stay true to their relationship and not continue contact. This is the result of trying to hang in as friends maybe.
  2. That’s a shame but thanks for the feedback Ambra Flows. I’m not sure what else would’ve been helpful honestly as there was quite a lot I could share. If you have any questions I’m happy to answer them.
  3. To the unfortunate souls who fall in love with their cousins, This is a cautionary tale that I hope helps demonstrate what happens when you don’t listen. I came to this site a few years ago looking for some information after a strange meeting with a cousin I hadn’t meet until adulthood. It was just like all the other stories about needing to be near each other and an immediate affinity, etc It was early days and all a bit overwhelming, so I looked at a few posts and made the decision that they seemed a bit extreme and I just need to stop being stupid. A big mistake. One of the repeated themes in the advice given to people was that if it couldn’t work out YOU NEED TO FINISH ALL CONTACT. This is the part I thought was the silly and extreme bit. Surely as a mature person I could manage myself without needing to be kind of mean and childish by cutting him off. Well no. Flash forward a few years and I have all but ripped the wheels off my life and there is nothing left of the relationship with my cousin. I certainly wasn’t looking to meet someone new and was in a long-term relationship which was pretty good. We had the usual day to day issues everyone has but a solid foundation in friendship and always protected our relationship. Sadly, the perimeter is breached unknowingly in these situations because you don’t think you need to have a perimeter with your family members until its already too late. I had the best intentions trying to maintain this relationship but if it can’t work out don’t bother. It feels special but it’s actually just like anything else when it goes to rubbish, only there is more to lose. There is something about it that is hypnotic or additive or something like that but the spell can be broken. I could go into a lot of detail listing reasons and mistakes but there is no point. Life will keep moving on and with each step further away from an opportunity to be together it will destroy you over and over again. I eventually sabotaged this relationship to finish it. Mostly subconsciously to begin with because I wanted to stop hurting but at the same time not lose him that kept me going back and he would always forgive me. There was a point at the beginning I might have been able to walk away but after that I was out of control. This began from the first eye contact and I honestly couldn’t stop myself until one day I looked around at my now fragile husband and the rest of my life that had changed a lot, and it was as if I had woken up from a dream. We stopped contact and it took about 3 months to feel like myself again. I was grieving that whole time and if he had given in to talking to me I would be back on that rollercoaster without a doubt. But not anymore. I thought I would be miserable without him and I was initially but it was the best thing I could do. It doesn’t even feel like I could care about him that way anymore even with effort and there’s so much more in life to enjoy rather than wasting time on something you can’t have or someone that doesn’t want you. I can see that if it did work out it would be amazing and the bond of a lifetime but when it doesn’t you need to burst that love bubble or you will go crazy. It will become an all consuming living hell if you don’t. Sadly there were casualties for us. I did lose a friend and he was a good one. There was no saving this. Our two extended families won’t likely have any further contact. I did stupid stuff and made a fool of myself but who cares. I hurt other people and become someone I’m not which is not cool and not right and it was all for nothing. I’m was lucky to have a husband who loved me a lot, stuck around and our relationship is even better now largely because of his commitment to making it work. But I was lucky! We are in our 40’s. I’ve been married some time and had relationships that didn’t work out before with none of this crazy b/s. There is something about this that is like nothing else and I can tell you I would never have hung in so long for anyone else. I was convinced my cousin and I should be together but that was never going to happen and I couldn’t see it at the time which is an insanity I just can’t account for. I think when you feel so strongly about someone, it’s a long life not to tell them about it so I wouldn’t change that. What I would have done differently is walk away when I got my answer. This is an all or nothing situation whether you like it or not because it is so intense and nothing else they or you can offer will be enough. This post doesn’t begin to capture how terrible and wonderful and devasting this has been and its only my side of the story. If after the initial freak out at the intensity of your feelings for each other you can’t have a conversation, there is a problem for one of you. DON’T DO IT! Just go your own way and don’t look back. It wasn’t worth it and we ended up with nothing anyway so I could have avoided years of pain before I even begin to consider the humiliation of my desperate attempts to be close him. MANY other posts suggest it never really goes away, and people reconnect years later or they long for the other person indefinitely. I feel pretty good now but will heed the warning this time rather than learn the hard way and won’t be taking any chances and seeing him again. I’m not inviting comment in particular with this post but hopefully it might help someone else make better decisions.
  4. It’s a tricky one Asteriia, I think when you are younger stuff is already very intense and confusing before you add in something like this. You both have a long way to go in life and there is a risk a mistake now could make things hard for you both and for your family. A strong friendship is also a special thing to share with someone and a good foundation for the future if that is still what you feel is right down the track. It’s hard to imagine how much time you have when you are young but you have lots. Also if it’s the law where you are you should follow that for now even if you don’t agree with it.
  5. That is beautiful. good idea posting it here in this safe space. it will eventually get easier but it could be some time away. I found it helpful to pick a time of the day I let myself think about it and feel all the emotions for about half an hr then put it away until the next day. it might help you take some control of something so all consuming and painful. In time the time I needed to grieve it shortened and became less frequent.
  6. Oh no. That’s so terrible 😞 that your family don’t like the idea. I guess if you have never experienced something like this it’s initially a little shocking fr people. Are you in the USA?
  7. You did the right thing. Sounds like he is acting impulsively as a reaction to the end of his last relationship. Always better to wait long, than marry wrong. he will see this in time and forget about it eventually.
  8. I think you fellas might be being a bit harsh here. Obviously there is additional risk in this kind of relationship at the onset that makes people unsure so all you need to add to that is a fairly moderate level of female insecurity and it gets hard to see the forest for the trees for most men. It’s not easy to put yourself out there like that and without being able to see a persons response it’s even harder. I’m imagining you are getting these declarations in emails and in a different time zone so by the time you read it, work through your own stuff and are ready to respond she’s panicked and feels rejected and pathetic. It’s a very real possibility she doesn’t know how you feel but maybe senses it then talks herself out of it thinking she is imagining it. Irrespective of the current status I would tell her you feel it too. Maybe it doesn’t go anywhere, maybe it opens up a conversation you need to have, maybe it’s to best thing you ever do. They are all better outcomes than maybe I should have said something once it’s too late. we (women) are basically all a bit crazy in love so if you think you have found one that isn’t, it probably just means she a better liar. That’s much worse. Be that strong man KC and Pooch are talking about, channel your inner Billy Joel and tell her about it I say.
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