Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Unique

First cousins view the world the same ??

This topic has had no activity within the past six months. It is recommended that you start a new topic instead of replying to old topics.

15 posts in this topic

Hello everyone I have been lurking for several months now. I see a lot of questions answered about first cousins having kids, legality of marriage, family acceptance issues and the unique strong bond they can have, but nothing really about seeing the world alike. By this I mean do couples tend to think alike, able to explain things to each other so they totally get it, have the same sense of humor and same thought processes ?? I seem to have this with my first cousin and it is uncanny at times. Little things down to drawing the exact same smiley faces.

  We have had almost no contact throughout our lives and recently connected in our mid 50?s. Our connection really fascinates me and is something neither one our us have experience in our lives.  I am sure genetics and similar upbringing could explain some of it. 

I recall my cousins voice very distinctly from the limited contact we had as kids?.why I don?t  know. Also, she had very bright pretty eyes that I recall. I was never around her enough to have a crush or any type of attraction. Just little things etched in my memory. She says now my voice touches something deep inside her?..go figure. Funny reading folks stories typically one of the two cousins turns into the aggressor breaking the ice saying they felt something stronger than just friends/cousins.

In my case she voiced her feelings early on and was very open about it. Saying she has never felt such a strong connection to anyone before. I don?t think I would have never crossed the line to say anything, but the door has now been cracked open. All our communication has been via text, emails and phone calls. We both seem to have a bit of the obsessive compulsive trait at times. She lives on the east side of the country and I live on the west. She has felt strong enough about this fly out here in a few weeks and meet. Of course all the crappy weather back east they are currently having now could be a factor as well?..so I tell her.  Whatever happens it?ll be fun to see her and reconnect.

Anyway back to my original statement could folks take the time to say if 1st cousins couples seem to view things the same, think alike and have the same sense of humor ?? It would be fun to explore this topic with others.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Unique,

I don't know about 1st cousins, because I only have those on my Dad's side of the family, and I've never really been around any of them much at all. I have several 2nd cousins on Mom's side, and a few on Dad's side locally. One in particular, I'm rather fond of, and close too. We're the same age, and when very young, had little contact. At ~9/10ish, we met formally, and within a short time after that, her Mom, her, and her older sister moved right across the street from us. We got very close. I actually had the "crush" thing on her older sister when we were kids. At 20, we had what we call a little "moment", got scared, and backed off. We let it be awkward for many years. DECADES, actually. Now, in our 50s, we've reconnected, aired it all out, and it's all good. The fact that I really didn't totally understand why we didn't go for it back then was a factor in my lurking here, eventually joining here, and sticking around. I try to advise younger members on what NOT to do, at least until they're ready to face the music that's more than likely to come.

Now, to Cuz, and our "connection". When I say we're the same age, I mean literally, almost the SAME age. I was born one week to the day before her. Our common Great-grandmother was THRILLED. She died when we were toddlers, Cuz doesn't remember her, and I only have a very vague recollection of her. Our Grandpa's were brothers, and the best of friends. They had many similarities, and were very influential in our younger years. Just before they moved here, her Grandpa was in the process of retiring, and was tragically killed in a car accident. As my Grandpa had done when another of their brothers had passed, (just before their mother passed) he stepped in, helped his widowed SIL and their kid(s), and the eventual and present, in this case, grandkids. He passed a few months after our little "moment", in early 1983. Actually, now that I think about it, it was only about a month or so afterwards. He never had any clue. Our Moms did, and were fine with it, but it was kept on the WAY down low for a very long time.

But, before, during, and after that time, I've noticed many similar traits Cuz and I share. She shares some traits with her Mom, naturally, but also some with my Mom, and all the other women of that line of the family. I've always been pretty close to my Mom, being her eldest son, so naturally, I'm sure some of that has rubbed off on me. I know that Cuz and I have this thing I can't really explain, and after being here for a while, it seems to not be all that unique. We are able to almost read each others' minds. We finish each others' sentences a LOT. If it's quiet, or someone else is talking, we can look at each other, and know EXACTLY what the other is thinking. And I don't mean we have to roll our eyes, or furrow our brows to do it. We just somehow know what the other is thinking. It can be a little unnerving at times. I think a lot of why our moment got so intense, so quickly, was because of this. We spent a lot of time together partying, but it was a lot quieter than our normal partying, and we would just set and look into each others' eyes, and not say a word. For a very long time, as in 10 to 20 minutes at a time. Somehow we just knew what the other was thinking, and didn't have to say anything. I think that could have been a little of the problem too. When she started getting nervous about us getting so close, so fast, and being cousins, I didn't pick up on it as quickly as I should have. She's pretty private with her feelings, so, other than "I can't do this. WE can't do this." we didn't really go into it. She was nervous, I didn't push her, and we walked away. So, yes, there IS something to be said for the connection some cousins have on that "deeper" level. At least I know what you're talking about.....

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i don't think that occurrence is exclusive to cousins. i think it can happen (and does) with any two people... and it often leads to a romantic connection. if the couple is mature enough, it can lead to a lifelong marriage commitment. but if it was a cousin thing, then it would occur with every cousin.

when two people do share a common world view, they have a good foundation for marriage.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hawk - thanks for the detailed reply. Have you wonder what could of/would of been if you had explored things between you two further ?? This is the quandary I'm feeling.

I don't think you can discount it saying it isn't unique, because it really is. Not many people can say they have encountered something like you have in their lives.......just saying.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Lady C - I agree it isn't exclusive to cousins. I'm willing to bet it happens more with cousins than the common folk ; -) It would be interesting to know the true percentage.

Yes, finding someone that views the world as same as yourself is truly a wonderful thing. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Unique,

As you and LadyC have noted, it isn't only unique to cousins. I have mentioned a few times that I now have a wonderful GF. When we met, we probably couldn't have been more different. Me, a recently divorced hairy scary Harley Boy. Her, a widowed mild mannered school marm. She had already got bit by the Harley bug though, got her motorcycle license, and was looking for a bike. She's not seriously looking anymore.  :wink: We also sit and look into each others' eyes on occasion. We're getting to where we can kinda tell what the other is thinking too. I don't know so much about my world view, but I can assure you SHE has certainly had her eyes opened hanging with me.  :evil: But, she's proudly wearing my patch now, the guys, and especially the girls, just love her as much as I do. In a year and a half, we've NEVER ONCE raised our voices to each other. The most "strenuous" "argument(s)" we've had, have been over who's turn it is to either cook or buy supper. And we've had SEVERAL of those.  :grin:

Odd, that as I had finished that post, going into how close I am with Mom, I realized I hadn't talked to her in a while. Within minutes, the phone rang, and it was Mom. She asked about the GF, told of her latest doctors visit, then, as always, said "Have you heard from _____?" (Cuz) "Nope, PM'd her on FB, rubbing it in about how we're actually having a winter this year, (my and her favorite time of year) and there she is stuck in the Caribbean." :tongue:  And, that I called Cuz's Mom the other day, and she sounded considerably better than she did the last time I saw her. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Mom's a saint, but I thought to myself "Speak of the devil, and who would call."  :laugh: Maybe there is something genetic, or, more likely, it's some sort of psychic "Mom" thing this time. LMAO

As far as the world view of Cuz and I goes, it's complicated. We are very similar in our views of a wide variety, and majority of topics. However, since we've reconnected, I realize that had we made a go of it, there would have been a few disparities that would have been an issue at some point. She, as many think, was convinced we wouldn't have been able to have kids. I'm not sure what her thoughts on the topic were at the time, and I doubt she was in any hurry, (she did wait a few years) but I had already made up my mind that I didn't want kids. I've took the initiative to see to it that I didn't. She's told me that she's never been happier in her life than the two times she was pregnant with her kids. That WOULD HAVE been an issue.

In some ways, she's considerably naive. I've done a little on that front to "enlighten" her on just how dangerous some of the places she works actually are. It's dawned on her a little, with some of the things she's seen, being in the medical profession. I have a tendency to cynicism. Of late though, I see that tempering a bit. The contrast of naivete' and cynicism would have been an issue. I hate to think it, and would have hated to see it, but, I have a feeling she would have tended more my direction than I would have toward hers. She always wants people to think well of her, and tries to see that in others, to the point of dismissing bad behavior while looking for the good. She's a very nice person, and thinks everyone else is too. I'm afraid that back in the day, I would have fallen off the pedestal in fairly short order.

She's certainly not a Harley girl. (Sis is though, and has rode with me a few times, LOL) She has agreed to go riding with me sometime, but, we've not been able to make our schedules accommodate a ride yet. Back in the day, she would have NEVER got on the back of a bike with me. Probably with good reason. Back then, I had a crotch rocket, and was lucky to survive it. Her best friend's brother got killed on one. At the funeral, she sat on my lap, crying, and looked me right in the eyes, and said "Your next if you don't get rid of that SOB." She certainly wasn't the first and far from the only one to say that to me. It was just odd for her to say it in the same words, and the same way as my Dad! But, they were wrong. It wasn't me, it was my best friend. After that, it took the fun out of it for many years, and a motorcycle was transportation, and not so much for fun and frolic. But yeah, motorcycles would have been an issue.

There are a couple other "world view" issues I don't feel at liberty to go into here, as they came up in candid conversations that shall remain such. While they may have not been "deal breakers", they would have been issues, and I'm not so sure they wouldn't be even now, if we were both available and willing to rehash the past. But, we're not, and we won't be going back to the days of our youth, by any stretch. Much too much water under the bridge, and all of that. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hawk - interesting you seem to have strong connection(s) to the females in your life. One?s significant other not sharing or approving of the same interests can make things difficult in a relationship. A lot of that can be where someone?s head is at in their life. Views, interests and so forth change over time. That is what happened with my ex of 20 years we grew apart, which wasn?t a good thing.  Anyway my cousin and I both agree we both would have not been able to consider any possibilities between us in our lives prior to this one in time.

Sounds like you were a bit of a bad boy and she was Miss Goody Two Shoes. Now over time you two could have met in the middle a bit.

How often do you and your cousin stay in touch ??

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Unique,

I suppose I do overindulge my women to some degree. The former DW and I did have a lot in common. There was just a pattern of behavior I had always hoped would change, but it never did, for any length of time. After almost 21 years together, I decided there wasn't going to be another 20 years of it. We were both at loggerheads and pretty much done.

All of us were pretty much bad boys, and Cuz wasn't the total angel either. Just, compared to some of the rough and tumble girlfriends of hers, she did seem that way.

You asked previously about what I think would have happened if we had went for it. I wanted us to go South to where her Dad lives. I suppose I never made that clear enough to her, because when I mentioned it about 4 years ago, she said "Why didn't you tell me?" I said "I did, I guess just not quite plainly enough." Anyhow, had we done that, we would have most likely done quite well for ourselves. These issues would have probably came up, but, I would think we would have worked through them. And, it wouldn't have been so much us meeting in the middle, as us being out of the environment we were in, and making a clean start. Her Dad is one of my favorite people, and one of the coolest guys I've ever met. He's done real well for himself, and he would have no doubt pointed us in the same direction.

We don't really communicate a whole lot. Since we reconnected, and partially because of it, our schedules and proximity have changed. I "nudged" her along to do this traveling thing she does now. She's done real well with it, and I'm pretty proud of her for it. She detests the telephone though, so, most of it is offline PMs back and forth on FB. We'll send a text back and forth on occasion, and, in fact, now that you mention it, I really should text her, and see if she's up for a phone call. It has been quite a while since we've talked. She'll be home in a little over a month, so, I probably should touch base with her. Thanks for reminding me actually.....

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I doubt this has anything to do with just cousin couples. People are attracted to people with the same views as them. So to say that it's a cousin thing is a bit of a stretch.

That said...my cousin is the exact opposite of me and I love that about him :) I am a free spirited, progressive 'hippie' & he's a country boy with conservative values. But are just what we both needed, we push each others  limits.

Have you seen The Notebook? We react to each other JUST like that <3

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Totally Normal - I wasn't claiming it was just cousins that would feel that way. I was wondering if it was more common and how other folks felt about it. It appears in your case the opposites attract which is great !!

Is the Notebook a movie ??

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Update - finally met my cousin and it was awesome we totally connected on all levels. Never felt anything like it at my ripe old age. She says "I rocked her world", so the feelings were mutual. Currently figuring out the next steps, but it appears she is going to move out here. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Almost all the posts here only have one partners voice, but rarely the others. My cousin just wrote me very sweet an email with a short timeline that explains her feelings. I might ask her if I can post it here. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All of this has been really interesting.  When my CL and I were teenagers, we thought a lot alike, with same values and interests.  We both loved her father, and neither of us liked her mother.  We both loved my mother, and neither of us liked my father.  She usually knew what I was thinking, and I usually was so clueless that I couldn't guess what she would do next.  :huh:  Anyway, a lot of great memories from then.  :cry:

We both married other people, and over the years each of us has become more like our spouse.  She married a preacher, and seems to have become a  Goody Two-shoes, which she was surely not at 16.  (But she still harbors feelings for me at some level; I can't figure it out.)  (The more I think I understand it, the less I actually understand!  If that makes sense.) 

My wife and I get along well, but mostly because I just don't fight her.  I like peace more than conflict, but I'm afraid I've built up some resentments over the years.  (We don't talk about those.)  If she wants something, she'll get it in the end, so it might as well be sooner as later.  I have learned over the years that I can predict my wife's reactions more accurately than those of my cousin. All this doesn't change the fact that my cousin is the One Great Love of my Life.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I like peace more than conflict, but I'm afraid I've built up some resentments over the years.  (We don't talk about those.) 

I think that was a huge factor in my marriage ending. We both felt marriage counselling would have saved it after the fact. We rarely argued avoiding conflict, but resentment built up over time.

Do you stay in close touch with your cousin ?? 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Unique asks:

      "Do you stay in close touch with your cousin ??"

Pretty much.  I send her flowers for her birthday.  We see each other two or three times a year at family events.  We talk on the phone every few months (usually for an hour or so).  We text sometimes.  Can't really email, b/c she & her husband share an email account.  We take a deep interest in each other's children and grandchildren.  (When my daughter lost a baby, my cousin was extremely supportive and comforting.)  When I see her or talk to her, I'm definitely on a high for several days.  It's infinitely better than never hearing from her, but it's also saddening to realize again that there's no future.

As far as marriages ending, that's just "not in the cards" for either of us; our family is dead set against breakups; marriage is a life sentence.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your content will need to be approved by a moderator

Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   You have pasted content with formatting.   Remove formatting

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0