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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Britt

Need advice. Please. This might be the end.

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My cousin and I have been together for almost six years. We have kept our relationship a secret that long. He lives in California and I live in Kentucky so we don't get to see each other often. I just recently graduated college and I was supposed to move out with him...but now he is unsure and scared about our future. He is certain that his family (his parents and possibly brother-in-law) will never speak to him again...I think his sister may be accepting, but he is afraid we will cause a rift in the relationship between his sister and her husband :( and he feels that he won't be able to see his niece and nephew again. I keep trying to be strong for him and reassure him, but I think he may want to end things and I'm so hurt and scared. He is my soulmate and I don't want him to give up on us. We are so in love. We planned to move in together soon. And we wanted to be married. I bought a very expensive plane ticket to see him this weekend and I am so scared. I miss him so much and I hope this isn't the end for us.

Please give me everything you've got. I need help. How can I reassure him that we will be okay?

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it's hard to reassure someone who is terrified. it's like trying to sooth a scared kitten that has fallen into the bathtub.

when you see him this weekend, try to get him to come here and read some of the discussions. and have him check out the pages on the site (outside the message board) that cover laws, genetics and religions. have him chat with some people if anyone is in the chat room. talking to people who've been in his shoes might be really helpful.

he does know it's legal to marry a cousin in california, right?

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Yes :( I can't seem to make him feel better and it hurts.

I did tell him I went onto this website and asked advice for us. I also sent him the link. I didn't even know there was a chat room...I will tell him.

And we do know! We previously thought we couldn't be married at all, but I did a little bit of internet research and found out where we could be (not my state, unfortunately :/).

I really hope this site helps us. I feel like we desperately need reassurance. I don't want family to keep us apart :/ we have a wonderful relationship and not only are we boyfriend and girlfriend but we are also best friends.

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you are welcome to post a message asking people to chat... it's usually one of those 'catch me if you can' things. we have a few members who spend a lot of time there. and then you have people like me that rarely venture in, but i'd try to meet up with ya'll there if you can get him in there and i happen to be online.

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In the event that you are still seeking advice or reassurance... I believe all I can do is tell you my experience with this situation thus far.

My three sisters are suspect and I know them all very well. We believe they probably know and they aren't saying anything. I've always been a "Do what I want , it's my life" kind of person so they know that "openly disapproving or calling me out" will only cause rifts, though I know where they stand on the subject so its kind of a mute point there.

My parents know. My Dad said they suspected because we get along so well and are so close when I told him and his opinion was "Whatever makes you guys happy. It's your life, your choice, and whatever you decide I'm behind you 100%". My mom didn't say much but she is in agreement with my Dad.

My best friend knows and is ecstatic. We live an alternative lifestyle in many aspects and so does she so it's GREAT having that kind of support from someone close to me.

  His parents do NOT know. The main reason that he hasn't said anything is because , his dad is his boss and his parents aren't in the greatest health right now .

BUT we are completely in love with each other and the best of friends and have every intention of spending our lives together. The timing just isn't right for him to tell his parents at the moment. He is completely aware many of his family will disown him but like I said we are happy and perfect for each other and will take steps for coming out in strides . Yes it can be frustrating but until all the pieces are in place not everyone can know and it's worth the wait.

If he is not willing to lose a few people to create a family with you, that is his choice but hopefully everyone will approve and it all works out for y'all.

Best of luck!!

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This question comes at an interesting time for me - my brother & his girlfriend are going threw a messy breakup & she's using my relationship to cut off my keeping in touch with my nephew.

The fact that my relationship has a shelf life of more than double their's & has been far, far healthier than their's is besides the point I guess. Oh well.

Anyway. You have to let him make his own decisions, even if they are ones you don't want him to make :-( Unlike the other poster (forgot who was before me, sorry!) nieces & nephews take a long time to grow up.

I would sit down & have a long talk about what you two mean to each other & what you both want out of your relationship. His sister may very well come around or she may not. But you both need to decide if your happiness together is worth the risk.

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Britt,

I am married to my second cousin. We were long distance for a year before I finally moved in with him. We were even engaged for 6 months prior to me moving in. His family was NOT happy about it. His family tried and succeeded at breaking us up back in December. They used his son as their selling point, saying the mother would not approve and she would take his son away and that he would get made fun of in school. My husband's parents found a way to manipulate their 29 year old son into making a choice - me or them. He chose them and we broke up for 3 weeks. When I came back to get the rest of mine and my children's things from his house, he realized he had made a mistake and asked me to marry him that weekend! We got married and wrote letters to his family breaking the news. They never responded. Before we got really serious he was close to his family. When they broke us up, they tried harder to control him, he saw their true colors. Since we have been married his parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles no longer try to contact him. They all said how much they loved him and were there for him when they were trying to break us up. But since he made a choice for himself and married me they want nothing to do with him. Simply turned their backs on him. He, however, is ok with this. Because we're happy and for the first time in his 29 years of life, he has set himself free from needing their constant approval on every decision he makes.

Moral of the story... His family is going to do and say whatever they want to persuade his decision. They will make threats, take his nieces and nephews away from him, even cut him off. But in the end he needs to do what makes HIM happy. It's his life, his happiness and his future. They may be mad, but they won't stay mad forever. And if they do, it's their loss. My husband hasn't once regretted the decision he made since we got married. He is ten times the man he was before we got married. Love is not selfish, if my husband and your boyfriends family truly loved them, they would support their happiness. Period.

Hope this helps. Keep the faith, give it to God.

Ley

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These replies mean so much to me. Thank you for your advice and support. It is the greatest feeling in the world to know that we are not alone and that others have gone through similar situations. I am going to show him these stories.

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Zitprincess - How did your cousin react to the info/stories you showed him ??

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