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womanallegro

issue with my sibling re my partner

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Hi.

I've been looking around on here for similar posts, but have found none, hence the new post.

I'm having a few issues with my sister regarding our cousin and my partner. You see, they were very close at one time....best of friends. He and I not so much back then, but we always got on famously the three of us. She and I are very close.

When our relationship was revealed, she was a little shocked and curious as to how it came about but said she was happy for us both.

However, I heard recently through the grapevine that actually, she's not happy about our relationship and feels betrayed by us both and that she's disgusted. I was beyond crushed and confronted her.

It took a while for her to admit she'd felt 'pushed out' and like she'd lost her best friend to me. She was upset at the knowledge he'd been with me at times when our relationship was under wraps, and had travelled up to spend time with me only and not her.

I asked if that would be such an issue if it was someone else he was seeing, or if it's because it's me and she didn't answer me. I can't help but think she's jealous and feeling sorry for herself.

This is affecting our sibling relationship, and their friendship. Obviously, I've told him everything.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

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sounds VERY jealous to me. and time is probably the only thing that is going to help the situation. :(

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Thanks for your response, Lady C.

Unfortunately, I'll just have to accept that that's how she feels and hope it changes with time.

She is now talking about moving down to where we're living as she isn't as close to any other family members back home. I really don't know how to react to this. Is it down to her feelings of envy or because she genuinely wants to be close to those she loves most? I should've mentioned her own relationship is very dysfunctional and she can be selfish at times. If her true opinion hadn't been revealed, I would've welcomed her to live nearer to us, but now I just don't know....

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we're all dysfuntional and selfish at times. i'd keep a watchful eye... i'd be concerned she's out for your man. you should probably discuss that possibility with him. men can be total goofs, oblivious to women coming on to them until it's too late.

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I hate to admit it, but it's crossed my mind. Perhaps she dismissed the possibility of a relationship with him because of him being a relative and I've now opened her eyes about that. It will be discussed with him. I'm glad I know I have his loyalty, infact, she would go waaaay down in his estimation (and mine), and effectivley ruin our relationships with her if she tried anything, given she's my sister and I'm expecting our baby. Its certainly a tough one....and the topic of her moving down will have to be discussed.

Wish me luck! Thank you.

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I hate to admit it, but it's crossed my mind. Perhaps she dismissed the possibility of a relationship with him because of him being a relative and I've now opened her eyes about that. It will be discussed with him. I'm glad I know I have his loyalty, infact, she would go waaaay down in his estimation (and mine), and effectivley ruin our relationships with her if she tried anything, given she's my sister and I'm expecting our baby. Its certainly a tough one....and the topic of her moving down will have to be discussed.

Wish me luck! Thank you.

For her to react as you describe it I would suspect she has feelings for him. Plus now she wants to move near you two ??

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Yeah, I know right?

Her initial reaction was one I would expect. After all, I'd never judge who she chose as a partner. But her true thoughts are what you'd expect of someone jealous of my happiness with someone whom she overlooked. This is tough to say the least, as I know she'd deny any feelings for him if I asked.

She has recently had problems with drugs and has been shown much negativity from family and friends. Some might think it takes the attention away from her if she makes us the focus of people's negative attention? I don't know what to think, but I'd hate to think my sister was capable of trying anything with my partner.

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I would discuss it with my partner & let it go. If you know he would never compromise your relationship to mess around with her then there's really no need to worry about it.

I would however at least give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she really is moving nearer to you because she feels like you both are the only true family she's got. And if that's the case I would at least try to make her feel welcome in your lives - it's what I would want someone to do for me in that situation.

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Oh, I'd never make her feel unwelcome. My hormones are probably compounding things somewhat. As her drug issues increase, I'd like her to move and get clean. She's my sister after all.

I'd rather she told me the truth and the reasons for badmouthing us, though. I guess time will tell with this one.

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What did she say exactly? If she was the one that started badmouthing you that's one thing, but if someone else was badmouthing you & she was just agreeing that's another. Also make sure she said what you heard she said, sometimes people lie...

I'm not taking her side, it's just that I spent my fair share of time with a bad temper & a big mouth lol I've had my foot in my mouth more than once.

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Jealousy is such an ugly thing. Depending on how close you ar, or feel to your sister, perhaps you should sit down with her. Discuss in detail why, and how things came to be. Also reassure her that your feelongs for your cousin and his for you, have no effect on your relationship with with her, or hers with him. Be sure to ask her how she feels. Be honest. And I would also address the fact that she appears jealous....(tread lightly though). If the issue with her can't be resolved.....then you have a hard decision to make. Personally I have already decided that when the time comes to disclose my relationship to my family, those who don't accept, or look down upon us, can take a long walk off a short bridge. My love for my cousin is more important to me than hurting their feelings.

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When people are doing drugs logic and common sense does not apply. It can cause a bunch of useless drama and stress. Keeping your sister away until she stops doing drugs might be an consideration. 

Snake - The few people I have told about my situation don't seem to have a problem with it at all. Recently she told her son and he was ok with it. So, maybe there is hope and understanding out there for you.

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Well we share a circle of friends, some of who's words I can take as gospel. She said to such a trusted friend, that she felt disgusted and betrayed by us both, that people were talking about us and the family because of our relationship. She seemed to relish telling our niece about our "dirty little secret" as she put it. She actually found out about us after going through my partners phone as she had suspicions and wanted them confirmed. As you can imagine, that did not go down well. Perhaps that's one of the reasons behind her behaviour.

By doing so she left us no choice but to tell our loved ones. Fortunately, they were fine on the whole.

Our mutual friend felt the need to tell me this because she told him her true feelings yet he witnessed her acting fine around us. He thought her two faced and has subsequently cooled off their friendship because of that. He would not have made it up. Plus, she confirmed it when I confronted her.

My best friend is a councillor, or therapist as you guys may say, and is of the opinion that she has sociopathic tendencies and there is sibling rivalry on her part.

I intend to talk about it with her, and see where it leads. There are so many layers to this....and all I want is my sister to be happy for me.

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I thinking you are expecting too much from your sister to be happy for you given what you have described.

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I thinking you are expecting too much for your sister to be happy for you given what you have described.

I believe you are correct.  However, you will never know if you don't try.

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Its all you can do and good luck  :smiley:

It does seem kinda stalkerish of her to move near you both. She very well might have sociopathic tendencies, kinda creepy if you ask me. I mean i'm attracted to my cousin but i'd never move over to where he lives, freak him out Lol

Good luck anyways like i said  :smiley:

nessa76

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Hello again.

I've not been on for a while so thought I'd update seeing as how so many offered their kind advice on this issue.

I moved to be with B a little while ago and everything has been perfect. My sister didn't come and we settled into our life together.

However, it is now the case that she needs to move to us. Her drug use has escalated and I'm worried for her and my nephew.

Ours is a small village and no one can get hold of hard drugs here. We want to help her get clean and stay that way. So the initial issues we had now pale in comparison to this major issue. We just want to help her get well now.

Thank you all for your help before, it's greatly appreciated x

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be very, very careful taking her into your home. and do NOT kid yourself that drugs are hard to get ahold of in a small village. my brother lives in a remote part of alaska (seriously, he has to fly an hour to fairbanks to buy groceries or see a doctor) and drugs are still plenty available even there.

that's not to say that it's hopeless. sometimes a change of scenery and a good family support network is enough to get someone off drugs. but it's still a crap shoot. so if it doesn't work out, don't beat yourself up over it.

(and trust me, i'm speaking from experience here!)

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Oh no! She won't be living in our home, my mum lives close by and she'll be staying there at first while looking for other accommodation. I plan on having her teenage son with me alot so she can detox and he isn't around her whilst she is. After everything that's gone on, I'm reluctant to let her live with us. Drugs or no, she has to stand on her own two feet and takes responsibility.

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Oh no! She won't be living in our home, my mum lives close by and she'll be staying there at first while looking for other accommodation. I plan on having her teenage son with me alot so she can detox and he isn't around her whilst she is. After everything that's gone on, I'm reluctant to let her live with us. Drugs or no, she has to stand on her own two feet and takes responsibility.

You're very wise in this.  Apart from the drug problem, this situation is fraught with danger, for reasons other people have pointed out.  But the drug issue complicates things exponentially.  There is no place in America (or the developed world) where drugs are not available to those who want them.  I hope she'll be in a drug therapy program, because you CANNOT be her drug therapist.  (Even if you're trained in that field, you can't do it for your sister or your spouse.  Trust me.)  If you are a person of faith, PRAY earnestly and diligently for her; for her son; for yourself; for your cousin/spouse/partner; for your mother.

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