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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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in love with my first cousin and need advice on how to deal with it

in love with first cousin, How do I deal with this?  

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  1. 1. in love with first cousin, How do I deal with this?

    • in love with first cousin, How do I deal with this?
    • How do I make him realise is not wrong?

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I am 23 and falling in love with my 20 year old first cousin. Me and him grew up together and spent a lot of time with each other as kids, but since the beginning of teenage years we sort of lost contact for a few years and only just started getting closer over the last few months. After spending more time together, we realized  we get on really well and have a lot of things in common, and I  started feeling strongly attracted to him. At first I tried to deny to my self how I was feeling, since according to our culture this is considered morally WRONG.But over time my feelings kept growing stronger and I am glad I found out that I am not the only one to be in this situation, but there are  many other people like me.

So  my cousin and I live  quite far away from each other, and the last couple of times I went to visit him I could tell that our relationship had turned into something more than just a family relationship.

For instance, we would spend nearly every night together and would end up laying all cuddled up on the beach, and a couple of times we even slept in the same bed. When we are alone we always search for physical contact, but lately as soon as he starts letting go a bit more he gets scared and moves away from me. the last time we met we had a few drinks and I started kissing him on his neck, at the beginning he seemed to like it and i could feel his heart beating faster,  but all of a sudden he stopped me, told me that WE CAN'T do this and said it was time to go.

Now I don't know what to do about this whole situation, because I don't understand whether he  also has feelings for me and is  just scared of what our family/society may think, or if he thinks I've gone completely mad..

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Hi svetka,

The usual suggestion is to say something along the lines of, "If you weren't my cousin...." then it gives you the option to go either way with the direction of the convo depending upon his reaction.

As you two have already gotten close, how about telling him about this site?  You could just mention it, or send him a link. 

From all the stories I have read on here,  the initial 'this is wrong' reaction is not always a permanent one.  Sometimes it is though, everyone is different.  Be patient, and try to point him to the facts.  As someone's postscript says on here (I forget who) "Educate when you relate".

Lori :)

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Thank you Lory :smiley:,

I'll try to follow your advice and  figure out a way to introduce him to this site, just hope I won't scare him off  :undecided:

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Honestly I don't think linking him to this site is the first thing to do. You should have just asked "why" when he said "we can't do this", and then talked about it then. Since you didn't, not really sure now.

Have you been in contact with him since then? He might have stopped you but I'd say, don't abandon him. I think you have to act like nothing has changed in your friendship and just meet with him like you always do. Perhaps bring up the time when he said "we can't do this" and then try to talk about it? Don't bring it up the moment you do meet with him, but as you guys do the things you usually do together, perhaps bring it up then...

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Hi Gryan,

yeah recently we have been chatting quite a lot on the Internet (we live in different countries and usually see each other every few months). Neither of us has mentioned anything about what happened when we last met and I can't feel any awkwardness between us which is good. I will be seeing him next week and we'll get to spend a couple of days together so I really need to try and make the most out of it. He said he misses me and would be happy if I stayed at his place,so hopefully I'll get the chance to bring up the "we can't do this" discussion and possibly try to express my feelings for him :). Would you have any advice to give me on that matter?

Thanks a lot:)

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