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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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animetwin2

Coloradomarried, I need some advice

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Hi. I used to have an account here back in 2010/2011, but I can't seem to find it anywhere, so I just made a new one. I only posted a few times, so I don't think anyone here will remember me. Last time I was here, Coloradomarried gave me some really good advice, so I'm hoping he can help me again (or anyone else can too).

My cousin is married and does not return my feelings. Last time I was here, I was looking for a way to get closure and CM told me to focus on improving myself and become the type of person that any woman (my cousin or otherwise) would be proud to be with.

I've been trying really hard to follow that advice, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to keep going. As much as I hate to admit it, I've been having suicidal thoughts. I'm scared, confused, and lonely and I don't know what to do. The only thing that's kept me going is my interest in anime, particularly Naruto. Whenever I find it hard to keep going, I just think about Naruto's words, "I never give up and I never go back on my word! That is my Nindo, my Ninja Way!" Another anime that helps me through difficult times is Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood. Ed's closing words in the final episode are really inspiring. "There's no such thing as a painless lesson. They just don't exist. Sacrifices are necessary. You can't gain anything without losing something first. But, if you can endure that pain, and walk away from it, you'll find that you now have a heart strong enough to overcome any obstacle. Yeah, a heart made Fullmetal."

But despite all of those really good quotes, I'm still struggling and I'm not really sure where to go from here. Any advice is much appreciated.

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Hi animetwin2,I know CM is busy, but I'm sure he will pop up soon. I will share some thoughts with you because I can feel your pain.

As you know, your married cousin shouldn't be "returning your feelings." If she would, she wouldn't be the kind of girl you would want to get involved with in the first place. Cheaters suck. I'm not sure how old your are, but I certainly remember how difficult my younger years were at times. Life can be scary, lonely and confusing. It is for everyone at certain junctures, so don't think that you are different.

Suicidal thoughts are a red flag. Sometimes you need to reach out to someone and I suggest that you do that now. It sounds like you do not have anyone to talk to. I suggest a professional counselor who can offer some good advice on your specific problems. Just do it.

As far as closure, there is no trick. Time is your friend. All of my old girlfriends, way back when, now mean nothing to me. At the time, I didn't think I could live without them. You will find the right one for you, or at least, someone who will do in the meantime. I predict that you will forget all about your cousin within the first week.

So get out there and find someone. FWI- Positive assortative mating (homogamy) suggests that people seek out mates similar to their cousins. Cousins generally closely meet all of the characteristics that we are looking for in a mate. They don't necessarily have to look like your cousin, but anyway, now you know what you are looking for. Don't feel like an oddball because you have a thing for your cousin.

Maybe you can try a dating site that allows you to find other anime lovers. What is wrong with that?

Be safe out there my friend.

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Sorry it's been so long! I just saw this.  This reply will be short because I have to run in about 5 minutes.

I have to stand by what I said about being the kind of many your cousin or any other decent woman would want to be with and focusing on life in general.  There are things in life we can influence and change and there are things we cannot (or at the very least should not).  Your cousin is now married so that's something you can't/shouldn't change.  Your ability to be resilient enough to bounce back from that and look forward (never backward) will be a huge part of who you become in the future.  You can and should try to bounce back and see a life ahead because what is behind is just not something you can change.

Are you seeing any professional counselors?  Or faith counselors?  I highly recommend doing that if for no other reason than to have a sounding board to get things off of your chest.  Depression is something you have to learn how to live with because, in my opinion, there is no cure - only coping mechanisms.  But when it gets you to wondering about the value, purpose, or potential of your own life, it's telling you some very convincing but terrible lies.  That's when you need to find a way out that leads you forward.  You have an important purpose but you have to see it yourself to realize that potential stored inside of you.

I'll try to check back more often as I can.  PM me if you need to - I get emails that remind me to check back in :)

CM

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BTW - good choices on anime!  Check out "Fruits Basket" if you haven't already seen it.  I don't remember it having any profound messages but it was entertaining.  :cheesy:

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