• Announcements

    • KC

      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

      Be informed on better ways to stay safe on the web -- Source: Mozilla
Sg21

Need Help

This topic has had no activity within the past six months. It is recommended that you start a new topic instead of replying to old topics.

21 posts in this topic

I am new to the forum! An have also posted in the other are but really need some help my heart is breaking an i can't speak to anyone else about this! I have been having a relationship with my first cousin which is secret! We love each other deeply an make each other so happy! He has just ended the relationship as he says he can't carry on living in secret an he can't see how we can take it forward. I have said we will tell the family then but he says he won't as his 17 yr old daughter will fall out with him an he can't risk that. He wants us to stop all contact as he said he needs to get me out of his head he had even arranged a date with another woman he said to try an get these feelings to disappear! That has hurt so much. I have told him we just need to handle telling people the right way so that we can help his daughter deal with it. He has agreed to meet me to discuss if we can take this forward! Please help how can I convince him that we sort this I know he is scared an hurting as much as me???

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sg21,

Since it's help/advice you're looking for, I'll leave this thread, and remove the others in "Shoot the Breeze", just as a little housekeeping, and to keep us focused.

Now, as to advice to you. I took the liberty of having a little peek at where you are. Not being nosy, I just want to get an idea of what your legal situation is before I continue. Others would want to know too, so....

Anyhow, if my look-up is correct, it is perfectly legal in your country for you to have whatever relationship, up to, and including marriage, that the two of you decide you would care to have.

The only advice I have is for you to get him here, have him look around, and, even post, asking advice from his perspective, and spelling out his fears. We can, and will, get him up to speed with the facts. We have them, and they are free for him, and everyone else in the world to peruse at their leisure/convenience. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How does he know his 17 year old daughter will have issues with your relationship ?? Can't you be spending quality time with each other without having to tell friends and family the depth of your friendship ?? Sometimes I think folks seem to get too worried about the need to tell friends and family what is going on. Especially when you are older and out on your own in life. In some cases I feel the "don't ask, don't tell" policy might be the best way to go causing less drama.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for your advice, he just won't speak to me and when he does he gets angry an says I am being selfish by not leaving him alone to deal with getting over us as there is no way forward with the relationship! I don't have children so he says it's easier for me to tell everyone as his situations more complicated! I have pleaded with him an said if we handle telling people correctly no one needs to be hurt. But he just says no I am losing the best thing in my life with a truly wonderful man and don't know how to stop it an get him to talk to me. Has anybody had similar or have any advice on what I can do?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If he is asking you repeatedly to leave him alone you should respect that as much as it hurts. To keep pushing the relationship when he is saying "no" only seems to make it worse. I would think the best thing to do is keep in contact and/or presence then let him do his thing. The best you can hope for is he realizes what he is giving up. It has to come from him you can't force it on him. I know it hurts and is very painful. My thoughts are with you. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like his mind is made up, and if it is not, he needs the space to make that decision.  He must feel respected that his decision is his own.  Either way, be a good friend without any added pressure. 

I have had the experience of riding a roller coaster where we're together...then we are not...then together and so on.  We never saw other people during the off-times...and we still did things together.  She had wrestled with the decision for almost 3 years. She has children, and understandably, has been most concerned for them.  I put all my cards on the table, told her exactly how I felt, and then had to let the chips fall.

Today, we are looking for a new home together and while we are not informing the world, most get it (I think). 

In my experience, giving her a lot of breathing room and remaining her friend through it all made the difference.  It really could have gone either way.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sg21,

I can relate to your situation. I am now married to my second cousin. I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old, he has an 8 year old. We dated long distance for a year before I moved in with him. Right before Christmas, his parents got involved in our relationship, they used his son against him, they said that his son's mother would not approve and take the his son away from him. They said our children would be made fun of in school, that he could lose his job and his friends. They brain washed him, a 29 year old man. He told me he didn't think he could put the kids through any of that, that he loved his family and didn't want to hurt them, especially his son. So, we broke up and I moved back home. We we're broken up for 3 weeks, I gave him his space, but he kept ties with me. Telling me he loved me and missed me, we talked as though we were still together. During this time he hung out with and slept with an old ex girlfriend, (which i found out later). But when I came back to his house to get the rest of my things, he confessed all, and realized what a mistake he had made. He was lost. He was being pressured by his family and it was to their own undoing and control over him that he finally saw their true colors. He tried to fill the void of missing the family we had together by taking comfort in an old girlfriend, only to make himself feel worse.

Men are funny creatures, some cannot live up to the pressure. And some have to have a drastic moment of self loath to get a grip on what they really want! So my advice to you, as hard as it is and I know because, I too, went through it, let him go. Give it to God. If it's meant to be, he will do his thing and not be able to fill the void left in your absence. I'm not saying you have to move on right away, but do things to better yourself, keep yourself busy working on YOU. Not that you're a bad person, but when we focus on being the best we can be, all other things fall into place.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck. Everyone in this forum has been through this at one point. Just have faith.

Ley

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ley,

Thanks for sharing your story it gives me hope! I just miss him so much and the anxiety it is creating about him going on a date with another woman is killing me. If I don't speak to him I can't focus on anything I have asked him to meet tomorrow but he has said he doesn't know he thinks we will be just going round in circles. I know I need to respect his decision but Its hurting so much.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

His daughter is 17, she is old enough to be spoken to like an adult & explained to the facts. Dad's life decisions shouldn't revolve around if it'll make her happy. That might be an unpopular take on the situation but oh well...

So, if he has agreed to sit down & talk to you then all you can do is try to explain your side & hope for the best. Tell him what you told us, that you love him & it's hurting you to think of losing him.

If he still wants you to leave him alone, do it. If he wants to date other woman you can't stop him. Give him some time & hope he realizes that he wants you more than he's afraid to be with you.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't want to sound harsh here, but are you sure he isn't just interested in another woman and is using the cousin status as an out?  To admit to you that he has already arranged a date with another woman in an attempt to get you out of his head sounds fishy to me.

That being said, children can be a issue when a parent wants to start up a new romance - whether you are cousins or not.  Since I still had one child - a 17 yr old - living at home, I made doubly sure that she was OK with my cuz moving in with us, and would've solicited her input whether my guy was my cousin or not.  Now, if she had gotten all icked out and irrational about the cousin thing, I would've dealt with it forthrightly.  Would I have postponed having cuz move in?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But most likely yes, afterall, this was her home first and I want her to be comfortable in her own home.  The oldest child (19 at the time) was a bit of a brat at first, and has since calmed down.  But she was already away at university so her comfort level was not as important to me as the younger's. 

If he has agreed to meet with you and discuss this, that's potentially a good sign.  It's time to come out of the closet and either be in a relationship with you or not.  Hawk's advice of having him peruse this site is good. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have considered wether he just wanted out u guess only he knows that! We met today and ended up sleeping together but he has said he can't carry on. An this evening he is on his date whilst I am in agony! He has told his best friend who I have spoken to an she said I should just cut him dead as he is being unfair.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have considered wether he just wanted out u guess only he knows that! We met today and ended up sleeping together but he has said he can't carry on. An this evening he is on his date whilst I am in agony! He has told his best friend who I have spoken to an she said I should just cut him dead as he is being unfair.

In my opinion that is just not right.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What is not right Unique? What he has done or to cut him dead? I am so confused an just don't know where to turn! Ur advice an support here is so helpful as I have no one to turn to

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think Unique means its not right for him to do that to you.

Honestly? Your guy sounds like a jerk. If I we're you I'd cut my losses & let him go. For him to have sex with you & go out with another girl that night is not ok.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think Unique means its not right for him to do that to you.

Honestly? Your guy sounds like a jerk. If I we're you I'd cut my losses & let him go. For him to have sex with you & go out with another girl that night is not ok.

Sorry for not making myself clear Totallynormal is correct your cuz is taking advantage of you. You deserve to have someone treat you better. Maybe in the future he well mature enough to appreciate you.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We have spoken last nite he apologised sn said it was a big mistake to go out with someone else. We are both gonna give each other space an see if we can get over our feelings for each other! It isn't what I want but I need to respect his wishes. He has told me he still loves me dearly but he can't see a future for us. I am now broken but I need to find a way to help me now as I can't change his mind

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's exactly how I felt like he was taking advantage an had all the control! But we hav spoken last night an he is as heartbroken as me! He apologised for going on the date an said it was a big mistake! He still feels there is no way forward for us as he can't continue living in secret an he can't tell his daughter do we have agreed to stay away from each other in the hope our feelings will fade! It's not what I want an I don't know if they will but I cannot force him to continue! So I guess my story is over an I just need to find a way to live without him.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't give up on the relationship. Stay in touch and keep the friendship alive in time things might change for the better. 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with Unique, things might change for the better. Glad he's been honest with you, you deserve that  :smiley:

Stay friends, because it's better than nothing at all. Giving both of you space is a good thing too, gives time to think things through.

nessa76

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Haven't been on for a while as I thought things were sorted! We couldn't stay away from each other an decided to try again without any pressure of telling family. Everything was going great spent some quality time together over the past couple of weeks an made plans to go away on holiday! On Saturday evening we spent time with the family had a lovely night then went back to his an had drinks. His friends wife came round who has just split with her husband I left them talking an went to bed. I woke an came down an he was hugging her! He knew I wasn't happy but I went back to bed! In the morning he swore it was nothing sinister. We argued an now he has ended it again I believe him nothing was happening an he was just consoling her! But he has said it is nothing to do with that he just can continue he wants to be on his an own and we should have never started the relationship again! I'm so confused last week he was so full on he has told me he loves me but he needs to forget his feelings for me! I have done all the needy things you shouldn't an beg an plead but he says he has got to do what he needs to do! We are so happy when we're together what do I do to make him realise? This is making me so down I feel like I have no control on the situation

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have prety big problem ,actualy I know that my cosin loves me ...and she is prety agresive at that point.for a holl 3 years i tried rejecting her but 5 days ago someting changed obout her.I mean i stoped seeng her like a cosin but...like a girl. We...have done something that cosins shoudn't do i realy don't know what should  i do

(Sorry if i tiped qt the rong place i am not verry good whit the computers)

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your content will need to be approved by a moderator

Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   You have pasted content with formatting.   Remove formatting

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor