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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Anon86

Can't stand the pain any more.

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I'm 28 about to turn 29 and since I was bout 4 or 5 I've had a crush on my first cousin. Over the years it has changed form many time from the little kids "let get married"  to a teen's "let's have sex" but I've never wanted to risk asking her how she feels. I've tried many things including all the things listed in http://love.allwomenstalk.com/things-to-do-if-you-have-a-crush-on-your-cousin but they never even dampened my feelings for her. At the age of 14 I pretty much decide I was tired of trying to live for a better life and just gave up on everything and want to kill my self then. However I have to be a caregiver for my elderly mother and feel it's just to selfish to make her have to bury me so I can't die yet. I reasoned back when I was 14 and it still holds true now I just have to avoid going nuts and ending up on the 6 o'clock news till she passes naturally then I can commit suicide. But I'm starting to think I can't wait that long.

A few years back the cousin I'm obsessed with actually moved in and was dating my roommate. As you can imagine that was pretty painful to live with. I would shut my self up inside my room for days just so I wouldn't have to see them so happy together all the time. A few years later she is pregnant with her first child by him and they moved out. They have since had a second child and separated (they never married). During the period of time they were "dating" she would often go out of state to visit her mom, my aunt.

During those times my roommate would occasionally use my IM program to chat sometimes video with her. One day getting on my IM I saw the remains of their conversation from the previous night. I took the liberty of skimming it and the first thing off hit me like a double decked bus going 60mph. When he started to flirt with her from the start for a moment she thought it was me. Then after explaining it was him she talked about how gross it would have been if had been me.

Now I always figured if I ever confessed how I felt she would probably tell me she thought that was disgusting and it would mess up the family. So reading what I did didn't really come as a surprise but what did was just how much my heart wrenched at knowing that's how she really felt towards me. Even no several years out it still feel like some one has their hand in my chest. I've tried to accept that she will never love me like I love her so telling her would just bring discomfort to  her life so why bother.

A little over a year or so ago I started a bit of a relationship with another cousin who according to family rumor was the product of an incestuous siblings. We flirted back when she was 17 and I was 13 but never did anything till about 2013. She has since been through a number of relationships, a rape & beating, suicide attempt (which she tried to use me as a living suicide note), and is now bound to a wheelchair and lives in another state. So the relationship has pretty much died even though we still talk and flirt with each other.

Even with the relationship with that one cousin I'm still completely obsessed with my first cousin and the feeling that I'm going to be trapped with these feelings for the rest of my life is terrifyingly depressing. For the last 15 years every morning I wake up and I wish I hadn't and then have to pretend all day I'm not as depressed as I really am or I'll stress out my mother or roommates. I feel like I just can't keep it up any more, for the last month I keep thinking about sending the cousin I'm obsessed with my suicide note and telling her how I felt all these years, but then I think of how much of jerk thing that would be to do and rather just make a shallow grave in the woods somewhere.

I don't doubt some people will give me the "don't kill yourself, you have things to live for" speeches but I read them all the time for other people and they always feel hollow. As horrible as this sounds I wish my mother would pass so I could kill myself already. I've left out a lot of other things that have happened with other cousins that makes me feel like I deserve to die cause this is the counsincouples not the killyourself forums.

I just needed to be able to vent about what I'm feeling somewhere and I doubt my family will ever stumble across this forum so it should be a safe place to do that.

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Anon, having been a person that has struggled with hopelessness and depression...I understand much of what you feel.  Some days, the struggle to find relief is unbearable, and the mindset of finding peace in death, seems right.

About 9 years ago, I was on that precipice, and thankfully, a person who I once considered an enemy became friend for life.  A decision was made...and then a defining moment happened.  She saw me and knew something wasn't right...it was in that conversation, that gave me pause.  My career, my marriage...all of my life seemed to be spinning out of control.

Since, I have sought out help...the hardest thing to do when you feel all is hopeless.  Talking to my doctor, my pastor, my new friend. I started a new path.  The new path was built gradually, still with dark days, but they had become fewer.

Before this message, only a handful of people knew my struggle.  I share this story and hope you find pause.

Today, I reflect daily on my life and am forever greatful for that one moment...  While there are still some dark days, they are few, and I know how to recognize and deal with them.

While your life is your decision, there are people hoping to embrace you here on this earth, and can help you get through these times.

Something I found useful http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/USA

Also, every Sunday, I visit postsecret.com.  Every week, there are new secrets shared, and no matter how dark my life seems, there are others that have faired worse. The choice to survive is an empowering one, and it's ok to accept help. 

For now, I pray for guidance and comfort for you.  While it seems that flood waters have risen, consider choosing to accept the boat he has sent for you.

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Thank you for sharing your own pain I know it can be quite difficult to do so. I have been reading a number of the stories others have been kind and brave enough to share and I'm both happy and saddened to know so many have gone through so much. To those that have found their love I'm both over joyed for you and a bit jealous. To those that still have hope of getting that one special person I do wish you all luck and happiness.

I talked today to the one cousin I've been intimate with and it seemed to help cheer me up a bit. It's still a seesaw of emotions but I'm trying to maintain the balance. As many on these forums know it is just such a horrible feeling being told by your heart to be so deeply in love with someone that you know you can never be with. The only thing that makes that worse is the knowledge you can never, ever, tell them how you truly feel for the massive damage it may cause.

Part of me wishes to use these forums to express many more things about my cousins that I feel burdened by, however I feel it's not the place for those things. I also still worry I will reveal enough info to possibly get back to my family and that would cause the very chaos I seek to avoid.

While I'm still stuck in the ocean of depression I've built up over the choices and other things in my life, my head is indeed above the water. For now I'll just keep swimming as best I can, like I've been doing. I just hope my strength holds out.

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Curious have you ever gotten close to your cousin in question ?? Beside the one thing you read, she wrote how do you know how she feels. Obviously she is comfortable with you because you two are/were living together and must be close to a point.

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That topic is kind of like a yo-yo it went back and forth, I'm gonna go ahead and spill my guts as secretly as I can.  Sorry if it's a wall of text or a TL/DR type of post but it's hard to sum up 25+ years of love for a person and all the heartache that has happened.

There were times I thought she (and other cousins) were flirting with me but was always too scared to cross the line of asking how anyone felt and at times was sure it was just my teenage hormones giving me the wrong idea. Most of my cousins are female and expect for their daughters are older than I am.

When it comes to how close me and the one cousin were growing up let's call her R for now. Our mothers are sisters and I would visit her family out of state during the school breaks and the usual big holidays. Our usual family vacations pretty much were going to see them. When R and I were very little we would often come back from the nearby beach covered in sand and since the plumbing there was kinda poor, R, myself, and usually whichever adult took us to the beach, would all pile in the shower to wash the sand off. Now this was when I was only about 4 or 5 and R is only 2 years and change older than I am.

Over the years we would go to visit pretty regularly, but I've always had emotional issues and am more of an introvert while R was much less so. Often there would be fun but social things going on that I would avoid, but she would go to. At times I would join her on outings with her friends but I always felt far more like the little sibling tagging along than one of the group being as everyone was about 2 years older than me.

Many times I convinced myself that "this" trip I'd tell her how I felt and would always chicken out in one way or another. Most of the times using the excuses that she was dating someone at the time and much rather have them than deal with the weirdness of how I felt for her. The fear that the whole family would hate me too was always in the background of the fear that she would hate me.

One time around the when I was 11 or 12 maybe a little older, whenever OZ the prison show was big on HBO, R and her family come to visit us, at that time I lived with not only my mother but my uncle and grandmother. I being a young boy got a room to myself and while we never had enough  money to afford HBO, at times it would be broadcast for free. R was a big fan of the show OZ and I had a TV in my bedroom. She was using a recliner and I had my bed, and I felt it was one of the few times we would be alone. I was about to speak to tell her how I felt or ask her if she would like to join me in the bed, and just then her mother knocked on the door to say goodnight. Needless to say my moment of courage was gone and I was too afraid to say much of anything to R for the rest of the night.

One of the most painful memories is from a few years later after my mother and I moved to a new house away from my uncle and grandmother. R, visiting on a trip with her family, came with a friend of mine (let's call him C) to go get some marijuana as she wanted to try it. We met up with a guy and before I could interject somehow R and C worked out a deal to get it for her sleeping with the guy. The guy gave C the marijuana and she left with the dealer. An hour later my aunt, her mother, makes me take her older sister to go get her, and at the same time my mother takes C and goes looking too. Why are 2 groups looking for one girl? Because she is known for being horrible at directions and can get lost at the drop of a hat.

Somehow we find her and I end up in the front seat of the car with my mother while R is in the back seat with C, her sister much better with directions walks back. R is speaking softly enough that my mother doesn't hear but I hear her talking about not only did she sleep with 1 guy but a 2nd and thinks she has rug burn on her back. She lifts the back of her shirt to show my friend and I couldn't control myself and turned around to see too, when suddenly C snaps "what are you looking for" making me feel like the worlds biggest freak right there in that tiny 4 door car.

The reason she moved in was to be close to my roommate (call him M) that she was dating at the time, or as they called it bed-buddies. M was living with and us cause we are friends and I consider him a brother, before R meet M. Also his mother is nuts and kicked him out of the apartment the week he turned 18. To top it off the house only 2 bedrooms is small and I was talked in to letting his older brother move in too. So there were the 2 guys sharing basically the living room with R, and then my aging mother and myself, all stuck under the same roof. Then R get's pregnant and she and M move out thankfully M's older brother also soon get his own girlfriend and moves out.

While R and M are living together after their first child is born the 5 of us myself, C, R, M, and R&M's kid go out to a local fair. M is at work when C and I get to R's place, she's getting out of the shower and asks me to watch the baby. Then she and C disappear into the bedroom for the next 5-10 minuets till M calls and ask for a ride home from work. C goes to get him and I'm alone with R and her and M's kid. I know what happened, it's pretty obvious, but I don't know how to comment on what just happened.

Part of me dies inside as I really thought R had better standards, C is an okay guy I've know him since 2nd grade, but he's your classic good-old-boy, redneck, pig; his favorite line is "I like 2 kind of women bartenders and yours". However he has that natural charm that let's him get away with stuff most others couldn't. Also he is the 1 person I came closest to actually confiding my feelings about R to, but while I was never specific was pretty sure he knew. So for C and R to do that with me and her kid there and knowing she is with M hurt me in a number of ways too. C even was living with me and my mother at the time.

In fact for much of the time she was living under the same roof as me I got the feeling everyone in the house knew how I felt but no one would say anything. It felt like everyone was keeping a secret from you, and you knew it was going on but not what the secret was. For about 2-4 years I felt like an outsider in my own home. To this day other than the one cousin I've been intimate with I don't truly know if anyone (other than those here) know about my feelings or if it was just my own fears.

Now that she has moved back in with her mother out of stat and is dating a new guy who IMO is a, well, pick your favorite crude 4 letter word and insert here. I want to bite to bullet and tell her "Hey we pretty much never see each other so if you want to cut me out of your life after I say this it's understandable, but I've loved you my entire life and I can't take you not knowing how I feel any more. If that makes you hate me then okay, just know that I'll always love you.".

Goodness just typing that last bit made me feel like I was gonna have a panic attack.

Gonna call it a night had to hide this post a dozen times over the day before I could finish it.

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I'm probaby going to sound very blunt & possibly a little mean but here goes (just hear me out)....

R sounds like an unstable slut. She had sex with not one but two guys for pot & then asked you to watch her baby so she could screw a guy while her boyfriend was at work...these are not traits you want to be looking for in someone. And don't get me wrong, I've done some stupid things for some stupid reasons (I once slept with a guy for a tattoo - But a guy I knew & actually ended up dating years later) But she's taking it overboard...

You deserve better than her & you sound like a nice guy (albeit a little shy), I'm willing to bet you'll find someone if you look.

As for C, his brother, M & all the other people who have/are living with you..throw them out! That is YOUR home, no one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable in it. I understand trying to help your friends, but there is a limit.

You've mentioned you are depressed & suicidal, are you seeing a therapist for any of this? I think you might really benefit from therapy, (I suffered from crippling panic attacks & agoraphobia  for years & loved my therapist for all her help - she was the one who finally  made me realize all my problems were caused by the extreme stress I was under). The bonus of a therapist? You can be 1,000% honest with them about R & your feelings for her & know that your secrets are still safe. My therapist met my partner, knew he was my first cousin & still supported our relationship <3

You mentioned you've had crushes on a few cousins, while I am 100% for cousin relationships (obviously), if you are ONLY attracted to your cousins there may be an issue there. A wild guess would be your projecting your feelings for R onto other cousins.

About the cousin who may or may not have mom/dad siblings, I'd like to hear more about her, is she someone you still like? Why did the relationship end? Are you still in contact with her?

Is it possible she really does love you & is hurt that you are so over the moon for R?

You sound like a very sweet caring person who is letting a woman, who cares little about herself let alone anyone else, ruin & possibly end your life. I know you've said you don't like hearing this but I'm going to say it anyway & I really do mean it: you deserve happiness & to be loved, go after what will make you happy, but I don't think that will be R.

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The others had already moved out, but I did kick C out after he basically told me that since he was paying rent and I wasn't he had more right to live there than I did when it was my mothers home. That coming from a guy I knew since the 2nd grade and thought of like a brother was pretty much the last straw. I've spoken to him since then but made it obvious I have not forgiven him. He's asked R why both my mother and I still treat him so coldly compared to the other past roommates. He really doesn't get how deep the feelings of betrayal are.

When it comes to therapists I am very weary for a few reasons. First I was in therapy as a child for depression and anger issues and when I would ask if what I told them would be kept private I get the "If I think you're a danger (to yourself or others) I'll tell someone" crap. I get what they mean, but how can I tell my deepest and darkest feelings to them when I know how easily they would spill everything if they think it would "help" me. Also a large portion of therapy these days is just throw a different pill at it till it works and I've been burned by that before. Once when the medication gave me an allergic reaction and started to close off my throat. Then when I was in 7th grade I was on Prozac for depression which was okay till one day I went manic at school. Acted out, got sent to detention, walked out of dentition and out of the school, caught a bus home then slept for 15 straight hours to awake with no memory of what I did and a very concerned mother. The local school system then said I had to go to an outpatient mental hospital for about 3 weeks to prove it was the medication and not that I was just that bleeping nuts.

So yeah been burned by that a bit too bad to just say "hey here's my money and all my secrets, please fix me". Sorry if am sounding aggressive I did not get offended by anything you said in fact much of it I do agree with, I just sometimes have to push my anger button to build up any confidence. I've learned it feels more empowering to rage against something then drown in a pool of sorrows, but I have to do it carefully or I just end up lashing out. I agree and have felt for awhile that the feelings towards the other female cousins were likely a transfer of my feelings for R. I'm not just attracted to my cousins but R seems to take up so much real estate in my heart that the attraction to other girls is like comparing candles to the sun.

The cousin you asked about (let's go with B for her) we are still close at heart but at distance in the real world. Our grandparents are a pair of brothers that married a pair of sisters, one couple are her grandparents and the other mine. I had fallen out of touch with B for many years till some time around 2012 or 2013 when she called me out of the blue. We talked over the phone a few times getting more and more flirtatious with each other, till we talked about one time when we were teens. The story is simply we were alone hanging out in the basement while R, her mother, sisters, and my mother were all up stairs listing to B's grandmother and my grandmother tell stories of the old days. While down there we were flirting and had B's sister (technically her cousin cause B was raised by an aunt B's parent's sibling) not kept bouncing upstairs and downstairs we might have done something then and there, when she was about 17-18 and I was about 13-14.

After recalling that story B and I pretty much told each other that we were lustful for each other. She however has been through some rather hard times that have shaped her life. An uncle (possibly her own father) molested her and her sister when she was younger, and went to jail for it. After high school she got pregnant and got married, got divorced, got pregnant again, married and divorced again. Then married a man much older than her and was still somewhat happily married to him when she called me again after so many years.

At the time she was living in a neighboring state and after a few months of phone calls back and forth she and her hubby decided to come to visit. We played around like teens, kissing and grabbing on each other when no one is around, then she sends her hubby out to pick up lunch and some smokes. That was the first time we were truly intimate, though brief, we really enjoyed it. I did feel guilty being with a married woman, but the big head wasn't often the one doing a lot of the thinking.

A few years go by and she and hubby lose one home to a fire, and then aren't so happy. She divorces him and hooks up with new guy then he dumps her. Next B moves back in with her folks into another neighboring state but this is now a much longer of a drive. We stay close thanks to the internet, planning to hook up again. We manage to do so (when the stars aligned just right) and got 4 wonderful but far to short hours together. She soon has met a new guy and having had enough of living with her folks moves to a new state with him.

I get to be with her on one more visit, but we barely have 2 seconds alone together. After that the guy she was with dies of a fast progressing and until too late undiagnosed cancer. She a few months later argues with some guys in her apartment complex parking lot. They decide to break down her door and beat and rape her. She tells me all she has to go through, nearly kills herself from depression and tries to use me as a living suicide note. I managed to get her to call 911, and she survived. A friend of the guy who died starts dating her and they are now married but live in a state even farther away. Add to that she is now bound to a wheelchair due to the spinal damage from the beating.

So the chance we will be able to be together again is slim at best. Not like I can show up one day and tell the guy "hey I'm here to screw your wife, help me get her into the bed". I still talk to her and we still flirt, the other day when I was at a really low point she happened to call and it helped cheer me up. Her therapist told her it was time to face her uncle and wanted a hand tracking him down. That bravery was something inspiring and thanks to Google was able to help her pretty easy. That helped push me along but now I've fallen back into one of those slumps of depression.

B is the only person not on this forum that I have directly told about my feelings for R. I've asked her how she feels about it and if it bothers her. She says she understands but has not said if she feels hurt by it, so I'm not really sure. Also since the whole situation in her life is so complicated I'm afraid we will be past lovers and nothing more. We have talked about the whole becoming a couple thing in the past but the whole how will the family act stuff has kept it at just thoughts of being together and nothing more.

More than anything though my problem is no matter how much I try or want to not be in love with R, I am. I've tried to convince myself I hated her, didn't work, love her too much. Tried to convince myself she see me with eyes filled with disgust to try and dampen my feelings, and while it tares at my heart, it doesn't make love R any less. Part of me fears that I will forever be trapped with this love that is so strong and never be able to escape it. That is why suicide at times feels like such a welcome escape. To have relief from feeling yourself constantly pulled in a direction you know you dare not go, sounds so comforting.

That's why at times I just want to tell R and get it over with, often with suicide so I wont have to face the rejection and following fall out I anticipate. However having gotten pretty much that call, the "goody bye cruel world" call, I could never do that to someone I love so much. That and I feel it would be horribly cruel and disrespectful to my mother to make her have to bury me after all I already put her through as a stupid kid. Those two things, mainly my duty to my mother, is what make me say no. However days like this that feeling doesn't seem as strong as on other days. My 29th birthday is now 2 days away and it feels more like an execution date than a holiday.

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I'll try to keep this short, I'm doing a bit better depression wise. Had a long talk with B and am in much better spirits thanks to her.

I know it's gonna be a long road, but I'm gonna try to retrain my brain to try and stop loving R. Even if I tell her how I feel I doubt anything positive would come of it.

I want to thank everyone one these forums for giving me a place that I could finally talk about what I've been feeling for so long. Just sharing here has helped lift a bit of my burdens off of my shoulders.

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It is a great place to vent and think out loud. Glad to see you are trying to move on. You sound like you are young enough to have time to find that special someone.

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