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LordRhobar

I love my second cousin.

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Hello everyone, I just found this website and thought I would benefit from the experience some of you must certainly have on the matter.

I'm in love with my second cousin. I've always sorta liked her, ever since I was a little kid. I'm 23 now and she's 6 months older than me (which makes her 24). We're both from Italy, living in Italy, currently in the same town. We've never been very close as we've always been shy with each other and we're both very private persons. We didn't really "grow up together", however we've always seen each other on special occasions such as holidays, as we always spend them together with our extended family on Christmas, Easter and other such occasions. Fact is, even when we did "see each other", we never really interacted as we've always been strangers to each other, pretty much, however the passive experience we shared over the years may still affect a hypothetical relationship between us (not to mention the opinions of our families, even though I don't think that would necessarily be a problem). My other cousins, namely the oldest of my first cousins, has more of a "cousin-like" relationship with her , even though they're by no means very close. This comes from the fact that they spend summer together in the same location (together with dozens of other people, so it's not that they're exclusively close or anything like that, so before assumptions gets made there is 100% nothing going on between them, aside from friendship, also my first cousin is engaged).

The problem is, I went from "sorta like her" to "in love with her" over the past year. In 2013, on the new year's eve, I started talking to her  for the first time. I was not single at the time, however I could feel the attraction getting stronger than usual, and I realized that I had a major crush on her. She looked stunningly beautiful, she was dressed as a noblewoman and to me she was the most beautiful princess I had ever seen. After that night however, we didn't talk, not even on facebook. Not a problem, as I was trying to shake it off due to the fact that I was already in a relationship. Last december however, my relationship ended and at the end of February I started entertaining the idea of us being together.

So, since we're friends on facebook, I decided it was time to make a move. We both like birds, I even owned some some years ago, and so I sent her a picture of a cute bird. She thanked me and seemed happy, and we just started talking from there. Over the next days we would talk for like hours, for 3 days straight we talked nonstop until 1 am, and she once mentioned that when she talks to me she doesn't realize time passes by so fast.

So from the beginning of March till like the 23rd or something, we really enjoyed chatting over facebook. After 3 days of chatting, she basically told me to see each other next time I go to university (we go to university in the same city, but in different places) since she has some spare time in-between classes where she has to wait alone. Of course I accepted her offer, and saw her at the beggining of march , and then again on the same day the week after.

We didn't really do anything special... we just ate something real quick, she showed me around her university, all the buildings etc . The first time , we came back together on the train ,the second time she offered me to accompany her to her class, after that, I left on my own.

Now , on the nature of our little chats over facebook... they're usually, to me , very flirtatious sometimes. We often sorta "roleplay" knight and princess or whatever, we share the same interest in high fantasy and other things (I know, kinda nerdy and stupid ahah). Sometimes we communicate in english over facebook because she wanted to practice it (her degree concerns languages). On those occasions, sometimes I guess she felt shielded enough to tell me things such as "you are cute in every way" , "you've been so kind to me tonight" etc. I think overall, she has a very good opinion of me but I'm not quite sure that is enough.

She's shy, not very experienced (she never really had a relationship, and I'm pretty sure she has never had sex) so she may not be very well aware of her feelings or relationships in general. Furthermore , we discussed what her ideal guy would be like, she simply mentioned "someone on whom I can rely, someone I can trust and makes me laugh". I guess I fit all the of those, but as you all know, attraction is fueled by chemistry.

On the 23rd-24th we all hang out together with the other cousins at this pub. She was beautiful that night but she was acting kinda strange. After the night was over she contacted me of her own initiative for the last time, telling me something and trying to cheer me up after I mentioned I was feeling a bit down. After that night she never initiated a conversation with me again. I did try to initiate a few. I mentioned that she seemed a bit strange lately and she mentioned she has a crush on this guy but that she's too shy to discuss it. I asked her since when, and she replied that it's been a thing for a while but only recently things seemed to look like they could evolve .

We saw each other again on a party some days ago . We kept to the four of us, me, her, her first cousin (which is my second cousin, not the first cousin I mentioned earlier) and this other guy she also knows from holiday (which is my first cousin's cousin) . Overall she seemed to "ignore me" the most. She was wearing a jumper that I told her days before "looked very good on her". (this may mean nothing though).  We did exchange a few words, but not much.

So she's basically been on full ignore mode over facebook, she hasn't initiated any conversations with me and everytime I tried she either replied late at night and went to bed soon afterwards or just doesn't visualize my messages. It might just be a busy time for her, as she also mentioned that way before we stopped talking. When I mentioned the crush thing at that party, she just said "I don't know...we 'll see what happens", si presumably things are still static, which wouldn't surprise me given her shyiness.

I'll see her again on Easter and the day after Easter which we'll be celebrating at my house.

I'm sorry guys, I guess it's a very long read, but as you can see I'm very fond of her and I need some advice. What should I do? Why has she stopped talking to me? (is it the "crush" ? I'm not even sure that is not a lie, although that would be wishful thinking). If you require more info on the matter, please feel free to ask. I want to help you help me :) .

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If she is shutting down on you I suspect the other guy is in the picture more than she is telling you. Do you know anyone she is friends with who could give you some info about what is going on in her life ?? Is there anything you could have said done that would have upset her ?? Stay close and be her friend, but pushing too hard could backfire on you.

Your visit with her at Easter could give you a better indication of where her head is at. 

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LordRhobar,

My first impression from the tale you've told, and how it has unfolded over these last few months, is, that there is a possibility this crush is on YOU. Have you considered that? What if she's had the same feelings toward you for as long as you've had them toward her, and she's too shy to say it, more less act upon it?

I recommend staying close, and enjoying what face time you can get out of her. I would stop texting her though. Kinda like "telephone tag." She's it. When you appear to go into "ignore mode", it could draw her out. Do the little flirty thing if you want to, but face to face and candidly only, and certainly nothing over the top with it. Drop a flirty little line, then walk away. See if she makes the effort to have a comeback. If she's as shy as you say, she may be considerably more nervous about what people would say than you are, and therefore trying to ignore her attraction to you.

Of course, all of this is dependent on if this crush of hers IS actually on you. I'm calling at least a 50/50% chance it is, from out here in the cheap seats....

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I agree with Hawk, the crush she has sounds like it might be on you (that would explain why she said she was too shy to talk about it)

If it were me I would call her on it, since Easter is being held at your house I would call her up & invite her to bring her man to Easter dinner. If she shows up alone then the odds it's you just got better.

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I agree with hawk. Don't know that I would suggest her inviting a potential rival to the party tho. If there is someone else, and she is as shy and reserved as you say, she may 1. Get very uncomfortable.  Or 2. Avoid the event altogether.  My suggestion would be, take her out. Have her meet you for lunch. Then drop the bomb on her. She could go either way. However, if you never ask, you'll never know.

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I have to agree with the above posters. Honestly, your story sounds a lot like mine. I've been dating my second cousin once removed for six months. In many ways she was like yours. Shy, a potential rival in the mix, etc. Finally, I worked up the courage to ask her out and here I am. Trust me, you have to find the resolve in yourself. Just ask. Give it all you've got. It worked for me.

As an added note, both our families are 100% on board with us. We have everyone's approval. I didn't expect literally everyone to support us, but they did. Don't let fear stop you. I'm not saying it'll all work out. But do yourself the favor and don't live in regret.

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Wow I thank everyone for the valuable input :) .

LordRhobar,

My first impression from the tale you've told, and how it has unfolded over these last few months, is, that there is a possibility this crush is on YOU. Have you considered that? What if she's had the same feelings toward you for as long as you've had them toward her, and she's too shy to say it, more less act upon it?

I've considered that but I'm terrified by wishful thinking. I always try to be as disillusioned as possible in every given circumstances in order to avoid false hope. What I forgot to mention is that she also attends this "art school" in the afternoon, once a week after university. She mentioned the guy she has a crush on attends this school too. It may not mean anything, I mean if I were to lie about something I wouldn't find it too hard to add some extra details to the lie... but still. But it simply feels kinda weird that all of a sudden this guy popped out of nowhere and made her stop talking to me just like that. So perhaps you are right, she does have a crush on me. I suppose I gotta find out... I've entertained the possibility that she may have feelings for me, because back in the days when we did not talk I think I caught her "staring" sometimes, but it might just be me trying to be hopeful lol. I'm really bad at reading signs etc.

What I also forgot to say is that... I mentioned a "romantic interest" to her, but I defined it as "unreachable" and she jokingly said I should stop having a crush on Emma Watson (since as a child I mentioned I did have a crush on her lol). She probably doesn't know that unreachable target was her all along. (I defined her as such because I never thought she could return my feelings).

Anyways, she also longs for a relationship , as I've learnt from the few times we discussed such things.

When we started talking, one of the first things she asked was if I was still "with that girl", I guess this could be a sign of her asking me if I'm available? I really don't want to go too far with the dreaming.

Now I see some people told me to ask her out. I tried to last week. I told her I wanted to discuss a "technical issue" with her, and made it sound like I needed a hand on some future project (I'm a programmer and she's an artist, therefore I made it sound like a game or some stuff like that). She said she was busy and that she's gonna be busy probably until June. She's leaving to France in July because she found a job there and won't be back until probably September or August. Now being paranoid, I suspected she simply did not want to see me... but it could also be that she truly believes I only want to discuss technical stuff... the problem is if the only opportunity of seeing her will be on easter and the day after, it's not gonna be a very private time to tell her this kind of stuff. Should I simply call her and ask her out?

I agree with Hawk, the crush she has sounds like it might be on you (that would explain why she said she was too shy to talk about it)

If it were me I would call her on it, since Easter is being held at your house I would call her up & invite her to bring her man to Easter dinner. If she shows up alone then the odds it's you just got better.

Well she never mentioned she had a man. She made it sound like a very early work in progress situation. It might be that she just has a crush etc. Even if they were "together" it would be too early to invite someone like that to my house on easter. I mean at least here, people usually spend time with their families and not with someone they've just met...

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After that night she never initiated a conversation with me again. I did try to initiate a few. I mentioned that she seemed a bit strange lately and she mentioned she has a crush on this guy but that she's too shy to discuss it. I asked her since when, and she replied that it's been a thing for a while but only recently things seemed to look like they could evolve .

So she's basically been on full ignore mode over facebook, she hasn't initiated any conversations with me and everytime I tried she either replied late at night and went to bed soon afterwards or just doesn't visualize my messages. It might just be a busy time for her, as she also mentioned that way before we stopped talking. When I mentioned the crush thing at that party, she just said "I don't know...we 'll see what happens", si presumably things are still static, which wouldn't surprise me given her shyiness.

This is what makes me think she is possibly interested in someone else. She appears to go from warm to cold pretty quickly. Putting a lot of distance between your two, for some reason. Directly asking her out might not be the best approach. Do you think when you see her at Easter you could get her alone to talk ??? Maybe leading in with you really enjoyed your conversations, time together and really miss it ?? Per her reply you'll have an idea where her head is at.

If she is shy and you push too hard she might pull away more.

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Make the call! If you have to, tell her you want to take her out to dinner before she leaves. If you wait now, you could loose her forever. Stop procrastinating and do it. You have everything to gain, and everything to loose. Inaction will be your downfall!

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Laptop died on me after I had written a huge detailed thing of what happened. I'll try to be brief this time also out of privacy, you never know who may be reading (her perhaps, in which case she wouldn't be too happy about it !).

Basically the day after Easter we held a family bbq at my house. She was there.

When everyone was busy talking I told her "Hey remember that thing I wanted to show you? Wanna see it?". She replied "Ah yes! About that!"

She followed me to my room. I shut the door and remain silent for a few seconds thinking what to say...

Me: "Uhm... well... err... someone once told me that ... an action can speak more than a thousand words..."

Her: "Mh.. ok..."

Me: "Mh... well..."

Her: "Paulie you are scaring me hahah"

Me: "Sorry about this..."

Her: "For what??"

*I hug her*

Her: *low voice* "Paulie??"

*I let her go and look at her*

Me: "Do you understand ?"

Her: "Err n... oh!! I do now!!" *smiles and looks away embarassed* (she's naive like that, love her ahah)

Me: "I... I had to let you know how I feel about you..."

Her: "Oh god I had no idea you felt this way about me..." *still embarassed and smiling*

Her: "But wait Paulie... I mean... we are cousins!!" *looks at me smiling*

Me: "Well we are not close relatives"

Her: "Well... sorta?"

Me: "Well actually ..."

Her: "But I mean, I'm so sorry I really had no idea you felt this way about me. Did I give you the wrong idea?"

Me: "Well not really but, when we hang out together and all , those two times , that didn't mean what I thought it meant?"

Her: "Well... really I didn't want to give you that idea, I'm so sorry!!! *keeps smiling, still embarassed* I mean you are a very handsome boy, actually out of all the cousins you are the best looking by far... but I love you in the way I would love a brother"

Me: "Well but we've never been close ... ever... we really didn't talk before february... we didn't have any kind of relationship"

Her: "Well yeah that's true..."

Me: "I had no expectations really, I just... wanted to let go of a burden. However, if you ever change your mind... you know, I would like to give us a chance."

Her: *looks away again smiling* "Yes I understand."

Me: "And I find you beautiful"

Her: "oh... thanks !! " (very shy and vulnerable expressions)

*I smile and look away*

Her: "I feel really bad and I'm sorry If I gave you false hopes ..."

Me: "You don't have to feel bad... you did nothing wrong... actually I've always liked you, ever since we were kids."

Her: "Really??? "

Me: "Uhm... so? *I look into her eyes* , will you give me a hug at least? :D "

Her: "Sure!!! :D" *moves towards me as I move towards her*

We hugged for a few seconds there, and then I let go.

Her: "I'm just sorry that this may ruin our relationship... "

Me: "It doesn't have to... maybe it won't... in fact, I'll act as nothing happened in front of everyone after we get out of here"

Her: "Oh absolutely!"

Me: "You keep quiet about it too"

Her: "Yes!! Of course!"

I chatted with other people and avoided her, she kinda kept to herself too. After everyone was gone I contacted her later that day, around midnight. Told her I wanted to clarify a few things.

She repeated herself on some of the stuff she said and so did I , and said that even if the chance of her liking me in that way was low, I would still be open to the possibility. I made it clear that this won't be my life hope, I won't be basing my existence on that and that in the near or far future I may be with another woman, but that she may catch me during a time where I'm single and that she feels any different about me then she should feel free to consider it as a possibility. She said she understands.

I told her however that things may not be completely unchanged from now on, that if she's with another guy I may not want to see her on holidays etc. I also went into more details on how I feel about her, telling her she's a princess to me and all. She said she felt flattered and she knew I always meant all the beautiful things I told her during the past two months.

So we parted ways.

Some days afterwards I contacted her.

Me: "Look about the other day... I've been thinking about it and I think it's a shame to end our relationship like that... we're still family after all and I don't want to ruin everything"

Her: "Oh!! I'm glad!! You're showing me again how mature you are, just like the other night when you told me you are willing to move on and look far"

Me: "But you must accept that despite the fact we are cousins, I still find you beautiful and sexy ;)"

Her: "ahaha gotcha :), but you are also beautiful, both inside and outside".

Her: "I really admire your courage tho... I mean, when you told me how you felt and all... I wouldn't have been capable of such a thing"

Me:" Ahah well it's usually the men unfortunately, that take the first step :)"

Her: "ahah true, even tho women themselves now are taking the first step too, except me! "

then we smalltalked for a while and joked, and said goodnight (I terminated the conversation first).

Well basically... yes I guess I 'm friendzoned, however we are talking about a naive, shy girl that has never experienced a romantic relationship (nor sexual for that matter, as far as I know). So I think there are lots of things involved here and I don't feel like giving up on her just yet. I really, really love this girl. Now I'm gone to visit family on the other side of the country, and I'll be here for 20 days or so. During this time I was thinking that perhaps I should let her think. At least now she's aware of my feelings and may start seeing me as more than just a cousin with whom she only recently started having a relationship with. I wonder what to do next. After I come back, should I flirt? Should I ignore her? Should I act cool as if nothing happened? I really need some input !

I forgot to mention that I asked her again on facebook if she never suspected it and she said "well only at first... but it appeared impossible, because of the fact we are cousins and all... and I thought it was just me so I put that aside and didn't think of it".

well it went like this:

Me: "So I guess I embarassed you ?"

Her:" Well.. ahah yeah!! I mean it was totally unexpected!"

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