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I feel like a horrible person, and I need to hear the truth

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Recently, my second cousin (who's relationship with me has failed terribly) lost his grandmother to a stroke. After shock hit, and exhaustion took a toll on everyone, my family began to send their condolences to him and his immediate relatives. Because they live overseas, condolences were sent though Instant Messages, emails, and telephone calls. I, however, sent none to my loved cousin (but I did to his brother [who knows nothing of the relationship], and extended them to the rest of his family).

I feel like a terrible person for not doing so. Losing someone who has lived with you all your life is devastating, and he's already experienced more grief than he should at a young age. I feared reaching out to him for sake of argument between us, or cold silence that would stir up nothing but bad emotions on both ends. The last I heard of him, he said he would never speak to me again, not even if I was on my knees begging for it. I broke his heart by not being able to be the strong-willed woman I thought I could. I talked of beautiful times ahead of us, but could not pull through. I, at the time, could not get over the issues of confessing my cousin-love to my family, or the issues of being separated by the sea with no real plan in mind.

I left him shattered, along with his hopes, respect for me, and any lines of communication. I've loved him all my life, and continue to do so from a distance. I have not heard from him in 2-3 years, but I plan on visiting my overseas family soon (and him, as consequence). I am currently in my early 20s, and he in his mid/late.

I didn't want to cause him more pain by reminding him I exist, because I want to believe he's moved on. I have greatly paid for my wrongdoing to him (as karma taught me very valuable lessons), but I still feel forever in debt to him for causing him such hurt. Was I a monster for not sending my shared sorrow to him during that difficult time? Do I yet have to pay for my mistake of this? I have been haunted over and over by his memory and thoughts of guilt. I need the truth.

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it's never too late to send him a message of condolence. just include a brief note that you weren't sure he would be receptive to one from you, which is why you didn't sooner.

just curious. if things had not ended so permanently between the two of you, would you be willing NOW to shout your love from the rooftops and not care what the neighbors (and family) thought about it?

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I would be willing to shout until my lungs collapse. It would be difficult, especially with family, but I realized that no one will be happy for me unless I feel it myself. I won't sacrifice more than I already have for the sake of pleasing someone else.

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